Tuesday, November 5, 2013

Sleepless In Austin (Girl Version)

I hope this is not like plagiarizing.

Anyway, a little while back, some dude calling himself "Sleepless In Austin" wrote a blog post in which he chronicled all of his requirements for a new girlfriend.  My guess is that he is probably still single.  The ways of love, though, are hard to figure out -- so, you never know.  I mean, sometimes a guy who you think for sure would have gotten married by now is still totally girlfriendless, while another guy -- who you think that no self-respecting female would touch with the proverbial 10-foot pole -- is honeymooning in Hawaii with his model wife.  But, I digress.

The point is that this insomniac Austinite made me laugh so hard with his post that I thought I'd spoof it.  I know you're probably not supposed to tell people that you're spoofing something, but being that I'm married and all, I just wanted to make everything perfectly clear.  This is a joke.  It is humor.  It is just for fun.  Fun for me, anyhow.

***So, I give you ---> Sleepless In Austin (Girl Version), A.K.A. Sleepless In Southern California:

I like to be with a man.  This much is true.  I don't like to be alone.  I'm not very good at it.  I like all the things about being with a man.  I like eating and going for drives, although not in immediate sequence, because then I get car sick.  I also don't like eating sushi with a guy.  Well, maybe I do like eating sushi with a guy, but I just don't know it.  The thing is that I have a biology degree, so when I think about sushi, I just think about parasites.  So, forget sushi.  Sushi is a deal-breaker.  The only way that sushi would not be a deal-breaker is if you are Ben Sherman and you bring your gun on our date and give me plenty of saki and do all the driving, because I don't want to be arrested for drunk driving on our date.  Getting arrested on our date would be a deal-breaker.  Unless you bailed me out of jail.  Or broke me out.  Breaking me out of jail would definitely make up for the getting arrested part.  Although, then I would have a hang-over and having a hang-over would probably cause me to throw up in your car, so I should probably just stick with sushi being a deal-breaker.  Besides, Ben Sherman is fictional, so there's that.

I do like being with a man, though.  Besides eating and going for drives, I like hiking.  But, not if it's too hot and not if the surroundings are too dry-looking, because that is just depressing.  I like going to the beach, but only if the man does not complain about the sun and getting burned.  A man who fusses about getting skin cancer is a deal-breaker.  I mean, go ahead and put on your sunscreen, but for heaven's sake don't fuss about it like a girl.  BE A FREAKING MAN about the sun.  I also like watching sports with an enthusiastic man, but not if he talks about a particular game for DAYS ON END afterwards.  When the game is over, it's over.  Get over it already.  My favorite sport to watch is swimming.  I realize most men aren't into that, but if you expect me to watch your football, you can watch my swimming.  And when my favorite sport is on, you get to make the snacks.  When your favorite sport is on, I'll make the snacks.  Fair is fair.  But, don't try feeding me any of those wasabi peas.  Wasabi peas are a deal-breaker.  And if you EVER make fun of my favorite beer being Bud Light, that is a deal-breaker.  Besides, Bud Light puts me in a romantic mood because it's just enough alcohol and not too filling.  So, you should be grateful that Bud Light is my favorite beer, because I can be very sexy.

As far as sex goes, I like it.  But, you'd better not be all pushy about it.  Being pushy about sex is a deal-breaker.  Hey, I'm not saying you shouldn't try to get me interested, but being pushy is the biggest turn-off in the world.  I also like hand-holding and kissing.  But, I do not like being slobbered on.  Being slobbered on is a deal-breaker.  I was once slobbered on by one of the hottest guys ever to be seen on the face of this good earth, but all the long wavy blonde hair and muscles and golden skin couldn't make up for the slobber, so that was that.  He called me for weeks, but it was to no avail.  So, guys, do yourselves a favor and learn to kiss without slobbering.  THINK about kissing before you actually try to land one, for pete's sake.  Watch some movies and TV shows that contain good kissing and study the techniques.  Practice on your arm.  Whatever it takes.  Do not show up on a date as a novice kisser.  And if you are a novice kisser, keep your tongue in your mouth while you practice your lip work.  Same goes for actual sex.  Study up before actually trying it out.  And I am NOT talking about porn.  Some women may disagree, but porn moves are not what most of us ladies want.  If you want to know what most of us ladies want, go read some of those bodice-ripper novels that can be found in the back of your grandma's closet.  Your grandma ain't no fool. 

Tattoos and piercings.  Talking about sex makes me think of tattoos and piercings.  Because I think tattoos are rather sexy, but there are some conditions.  For instance, you should not appear to be clothed in them.  That is a deal-breaker.  If you are naked, people should be able to tell that you are naked.  If you are naked and I can't tell because of all your tats, that is a deal-breaker.  Also -- tattoos on your arms are only sexy if you have sexy arm muscles to go with them.  Like Cam Gigandet.  (Google it, boot.)  So, if you're going to have tats and you don't want it to be a deal-breaker, then lift some weights.  At least four times a week.  As for piercings, I don't mind them in the ear.  But, the naval or the nipple or the nose or the lip?  Deal-breaker.  I have to admit, whenever I see someone with a nipple ring, I have this perverted inclination to yank on it.  YUCK!!!  That is SO PERVERTED!!!  But, it's true.  I probably wouldn't actually do it, but you never know what might happen in the heat of passion.  So, if you have a nipple ring, either remove it or stay the hell away from me, if you have any sense of self-preservation.

Hygiene.  Talking about yanking on nipple rings naturally makes me think of infections which naturally makes me think about hygiene.  Hygiene matters.  Even if you can totally rock a silk shirt, it don't matter if you don't shower.  And use deodorant.  And brush your teeth.  And floss.  And SHAVE.  For god's sake, what is it with all this neck stubble I see these days?  Either shave or grow a beard.  A REAL beard.  Like the kind Commander Ryker sported in "The Next Generation."  I mean, these days I'm seeing all these guys -- even hot guys -- walking around with all this stubble on their cheeks and chins and necks.  What gives?  All this does is show true laziness of character or a real misperception of what is attractive or an actual effort to appear less attractive.  I guess if you are a hot celebrity man who is chased about by young females, then maybe there is an appeal to trying to make yourself less attractive by sporting week-old neck hair growth.  But, if you wear Ray-Ban aviators along with the neck hair, you are just sending mixed messages about your desire to appear desirable.  So, in the interest of transparency of intention, which is only common decency, either shave and wear your Ray-Ban aviators -- or -- grow a real beard and wear your Ray-Ban aviators -- or -- sport your neck hair in combination with a pair of cheap Walmart-brand sunglasses.  Also, if you grow a beard, COMB IT.  Not combing your beard causes little beard hairs to fall out onto the kitchen counters.  Do you know what this looks like?  It looks like there are pubic hairs all over the kitchen counters.  And pubic hairs (even the appearance thereof) on my kitchen counters is a DEAL-BREAKER!!!

Lest I am sounding shallow by talking about such things as sex and tats and piercings and facial hair and hygiene, I do want to assure you that I am interested in personality.  There are all types of personalities that I like.  Many kinds of people are interesting to me.  But, it is good if you know how to string words together in a way that makes at least some kind of sense.  In other words, don't be a Tea Party Republican.  You can be a Republican.  That's okay.  But, be a NORMAL Republican (does anybody out there remember what that means???).  You can be a Democrat, too.  Democrats are cool.  I especially like Democrat men in ponytails and jeans.  Communists can be especially sexy, although I would argue a lot with a Communist, since I actually am a Republican.  So, if you are a Communist, that might not be a total deal-breaker, as long as you like to argue and you have at least some sense of humor.  And long, wavy hair.  A Democrat or a Communist might be able to get away with sporting some neck stubble, too -- as long as he also has a good body and intense, thoughtful eyes.  Please don't think that I'm saying here that a Democrat and a Communist are in any way the same thing.  I know that they are not the same thing.  I mean -- for land's sake -- I'm NOT Rush Limbaugh.  It's just that Democrats and Communists have this sort of sexy earthiness about them that Republicans just can't manage to pull off.  And if you are a non-Tea-Party Republican who wants to date me, do NOT try to pull off a pony tail.  Because everybody knows that Republican males cannot pull off pony tails.  But, also try to avoid looking totally stuffy.  An ideal Republican man has an excellent upper body and knows how to rock the following look --> dress shirt, open collar, no tie.  An ideal Republican male also shamelessly drives a totally spotless, big, bad-ass, carbon producing car, recognizing its value as the perfect place to make out with a woman.  But, if you are a Republican, you must also have a good sense of humor about the liberal, hippie, wanna-be cage dancer side of my personality.  If you don't have a good sense of humor about this, and if you cannot tolerate my opinion that there should be a single-payer national healthcare system, then you are not for me.

And -- reflecting on the value of a sense of humor -- you should definitely have one.  Because, hey, life's short.  And because penis jokes are funny.  (But, only if told by somebody with skill in telling penis jokes.  If you don't have the gift, don't tell penis jokes.  Telling penis jokes without skill is a deal-breaker.)  You need to be able to laugh, though -- at life, at yourself, at me, and at the Tea Partiers.  ;-)


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