Thursday, September 4, 2014

What To Do When Your Nude Pics Get Leaked Online

First of all, let me say this. Although I am going to be a bit humorous in this post, I do not take the online leaking of celebrities' nude photos at all lightly. I think they should find the bastard who did it and then prosecute him to the full extent of the law. Why? Because it is illegal. Duh. Beyond that, though, it is an action that shows severe disrespect for the inherent integrity and dignity of a human being. There are probably people who think that if someone would pose for nude photos then she deserves what she gets. I say, "Bullshit." These were private pictures. And to show them to the world without the consent of the subjects is a sign of contempt for women -- and human beings, in general.

So there.


So, what should you do (besides having "The Law" track down the perpetrator) if your nude photos do get leaked to the world?

This is what I would do.

And -- yes -- I have nude photos. Sort of.

Do you remember -- years ago -- when Demi Moore was pregnant and she did that magazine cover where she was kind of naked, but covering up her "vitals" with a drapey sheet thing? She was quite lovely. And I -- being pregnant at the same time -- was quite inspired. So, I re-enacted the pose -- plus some of my own design -- using colorful silk scarf things. My hubs took the pictures, and it was kind of fun. I never showed the pictures to anybody. And I eventually got rid of them, because I didn't look quite as inspiring as Demi, probably because I lacked a professional photographer with professional lighting and professional make-up and hair people and professional air-brush experts. I didn't realize -- in my youth and with my hormonally-influenced brain -- that these professional things would probably make a huge difference in the quality of the final product. So, I was -- in the end -- not very pleased with the pictures. I kept them for a few years, and then threw them away. I also thought about the fact that my poor kids would come upon them when cleaning out my things after I die. That would probably cause them to have to spend their inheritance on counseling, instead of a grand European holiday, and that would be a true bummer. So, I threw the pictures out -- after tearing them up in little pieces first, of course, because I didn't want to traumatize any trash collection people or dumpster divers. When I think about it now, though, I kind of wish I had kept them. I bet I actually looked pretty hot, because I was all of 29 years old and had gained only the recommended amount of pregnancy weight for being 8 months along. Well, not really. I had gained more than that. But, it was all water weight. Really.


When those nude photos were leaked of those lovely celebrities, my mind went immediately to these pictures and how I would feel and what I would do if they got leaked. Because, you know, they still might be out there, somewhere. Because I sent them to the film developing place to get developed. And I realized, even as I brought them to the film developing place, that somebody in that little film developing business might make a copy of my pictures and hold onto them for himself. If he had a thing for 8-months-pregnant women, anyway. Or if he thought there was a chance that I might get rich and famous someday, giving him the opportunity to blackmail me and, thus, to free himself from his crappy film-development job. Because -- you know -- we didn't have much money, so I went to the cheap film development place where the people probably made minimum wage, at best. So, my nekkid pregnancy pictures might -- even now -- be in the hands of some pathetic middle-aged dude, just waiting for his chance to pounce. I mean, even if he didn't try blackmail, he still might want to gain some notoriety for his poor, pathetic self by posting my nude photos online the very day I become Executive Producer of "SouthLAnd -- The Movie" or am chosen by Hillary Clinton to be her running mate in 2016.

So, as you can see, I have had to think about this thing. It is not just some theoretical "what if" proposition for me. It might actually happen. And I have considered -- in the 20+ years since I posed for those pictures -- what I would do if it did happen.

(You may wonder why in the world I would bring that film to get developed at the cheap film developing place. After all, as you may realize, strange men would see those pictures, even if they didn't leak them online. Well -- there was no "online" at the time. The answer -- besides my hormonally-influenced cerebrum -- is that I really didn't care. I am really not that shy. And I had covered up my "vitals" with my colorful silk scarf things. So, there you have it. Judge me if you will. I don't care. I've had 50+ years to learn to cope with my personality, and I have achieved a certain level of self-acceptance. Take me or leave me. At least you know what you're getting.)

Back to what I would do if my "private" photos were leaked.

First of all, I would set "The Law" on the son-of-a-bitch who leaked them.

Secondly, I would hold my head high. I would refuse to be embarrassed. I would consider, instead, who really needed to be embarrassed -- the son-of-a-bitch who leaked the photos and all those who chose to look at them. Those are the people who should be embarrassed. I would also realize that the situation would give me an opportunity -- an opportunity to prove myself to actually be the classy, self-assured broad that I want to be. And can you imagine telling that story as an old lady??? It would be awesome, if you told it well. I would also ask my professional photography friends to put the pictures through their photo-shop device so that I would look like a true bombshell of a pregnant chick. And then "Rolling Stone" would put me on the cover. And not only would I be the VP of the United States of America AND the Executive Producer of "SouthLAnd -- The Movie", I would be offered a permanent position playing the Diner Waitress in "Gotham."

So, there. ;-)

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