Love, Respect, and -- Say, What???

Perhaps I am misunderstanding or misinterpreting something here. But, I have been seeing an idea floating around the interwebs to the effect that:

*Women need love and men need respect and this is the way to have a good relationship/marriage.*

Ahem...

SAY, WHAT???

This reminds me a bit of these lame-ass books I read years ago called "Fascinating Womanhood" and "Man Of Steel And Velvet," which basically advised men to do manly things like kill spiders and women to cry like little girls when their husbands were unfaithful to them (thus, playing upon the emotions of these dudes and bringing them back into line.)  I kind of tried to get into these ideas, as I was a Reagan conservative at the time, and all.  But, they also kind of made me gag.  Over the years, I have decided that these books and their ideas serve nobody, really.  You don't encourage women to act like little girls in order to gain the love of their husbands.  Women are also plenty capable of killing spiders, for land's sake.  And being a good, suportive husband does not require dudes to perform manly feats of daring-do.  My son, for example, is a very manly man.  And guess who was standing on the arm of the sofa when the GIANT lizard got into the family room?  And guess which woman with the biology degree caught said lizard -- with her bare hands, no less.  Yet, when I am at a loss and need advice about an important matter, guess which young man is always readily available with a sympathetic ear and solid horse sense?  "Manliness" and "womanliness" are not always so easily defined.

Anyway, these fascinating, steely, velvety ideas seem to be back, although somewhat repackaged.  Women need love and men need respect, you say?  I say bunk. They both need both.  Over a lifetime, they both need both.

Now, I have heard women speak disrespectfully of their husbands.  Truly disrespectfully.  And -- maybe -- that is what these "new" ideas are addressing.  It is very destructive to a marriage when a woman is consistently disrespectful of her husband in thought, word, and deed.  It is just plain mean.  And shows a lack of love.  But, I have also heard husbands speak disrespectfully of their wives, which is destructive.  And mean.  And shows a lack of love.  Love and respect are -- intricately and irrevocably -- tied together.

I guess, though, what people may be thinking of, when they speak husbandly love, are tenderness on the part of the husband toward his wife -- an emotional connection, understanding of her feelings, a sweet touch and expression, an intuitive knowledge of her needs in the moment. For example, if the wife is suffering severe barfiness and exhaustion every evening during her first trimester of pregnancy, a husband who knows -- without being asked -- to bring the TV into the bedroom, so he can both watch the game and rub his wife's back while she suffers for the sake of their child, could be said to be showing love. This husband realizes the need his wife has of being close to him, even if she is not particularly good company for a few months. He will recognize that watching the TV out in the living room while his wife is stuck in the bedroom every evening after dinner -- unable to achieve an upright position without upchucking -- is not the loving thing to do.

By the same token, when people think of a wife showing respect to her husband, they may mean that she actively shows an appreciation for the things he does for her and their family, for his abilities, for his strengths. If a husband is good at his job or at household repairs, for example, he probably would appreciate his wife praising him for those things. Such praise from the woman he loves would, naturally, give a man confidence and build his self-esteem.

Now, before I make my feminist self hurl by talking like this, I would like to point something out.

Even though women need love and men need respect, I believe it is equally true that women need respect and men need love. I have been married long enough -- and many of my friends have been married long enough -- that I know this. I know it for sure.

After a long day, during an illness, while grieving a loss -- heck, at any and all times -- men need "love" just as much as women do, in many of the same forms that women need it.  They enjoy tenderness and intuitive understanding just as much as any woman.

And women need respect as much as any man does. Women go through many phases in their lives -- phases which are often dramatically different from each other. This may sound -- or even be -- sexist, but many women bear children.  And this bearing of children and raising them and having them leave the nest means that a woman must redefine herself several times as she goes through life, in a way that is both professional and profoundly personal. Having the respect of her husband is vital to a woman -- to her self-confidence and sense of self-esteem -- as she goes through these phases. A husband who shows his wife that he respects her in her roles as a wife and mother, in her professional and creative endeavors, who actively supports her as she transitions from one major role to the next, gives her a truly priceless gift. The esteem with which a husband regards his wife's intelligence, opinions, and thought processes will profoundly impact the way she views herself. A husband's respect for his wife has just as much an impact on her self-confidence, self-esteem, and success as a wife's respect for her husband has on him.

Life is complicated, and sometimes (blessedly) messy. Let's not put each other into nice, neat little boxes too easily. Those boxes, which -- admittedly -- may seem to work at times, can end up being our self-imposed prisons, whether we are male or female, married or single, or some combination thereof.

Pax.

Junebug And Gold Wedding Bands

Recently, I had the opportunity to see the movie "Junebug," which is the story of a family in North Carolina.  A family composed of middle-aged parents and two sons.  The elder son lives in The Big City and has recently married a beautiful, well-educated, artsy, very kind-hearted woman.  The younger son (Johnny) lives, along with his very pregnant wife (Ashley), in his parents' home.  The story unfolds when the older son brings his new wife home to meet this rather dysfunctional, though utterly loving and lovely, family.

Johnny (played by Ben McKenzie) and Ashley (played by Amy Adams) are, seemingly, rather ill-prepared for marriage.  They were high-school sweethearts.  Johnny is still struggling to earn his GED, and it is unclear whether or not Ashley managed to graduate.  It is also a little vague whether or not Ashely became pregnant before or after their marriage.  Although, it was probably before.  She is, though, very much in love with Johnny.  He, too, is in love with her, even though she doesn't really feel his love.  At one point, she says something to this effect, "I wish Johnny loved me like he did in high school."  And we see a picture of the two of them from those happy days -- a picture in which he is, quite obviously, head-over-heels for her.  He still is head-over-heels for her; but, he is basically scared shitless by their situation, so his actions do not always belie his feelings.  There are a few scenes in this lovely film, though, which demonstrate quite clearly how much young Johnny loves young Ashley, such as when he attempts to record a TV show for her about one of her very favorite things -- meerkats.  The ending of the story, too, makes it abundantly clear how much Johnny loves Ashley.  In fact, I think the final events, as they unfold, show Johnny himself discovering just how deep his love for his young bride happens to be.

And so for the gold wedding bands.  I love to notice little details in movies -- tiny, understated things that contribute to the story-telling in profound ways.  Johnny and Ashley's wedding bands are simple, unadorned, rather slim gold rings.  They kind of scream, "Shot-gun wedding! No money! Oh, crap!"  But, they also illustrate, in their simplicity, the innocence and promise of young love.  Young love, as immature and inexperienced as it can be, is also full of hope.  There can be a depth and a faith and a truth to it that is sometimes difficult to find in the more "complex" love of more "mature" people.  And in these very basic wedding rings we are reminded of what love is in its basic and most elemental form.  And we are reminded that young people -- as "immature" as they can be -- are also capable of a very pure, very uncomplicated kind of love for each other -- as pure and uncomplicated as these pure and uncomplicated gold wedding bands.

Am I saying here that all the 18-year-olds should get each other pregnant, marry, and live with their parents?  No.

What I am saying is that young people are capable of love -- love which is real and simple and pure.  And given the right soil in which to grow -- such as parents who provide a good example and emotional support, a community that is nurturing, an economy that provides dignified work -- perhaps young love can put down healthy roots, grow, and bloom into something truly beautiful. 

To My Girls

Dear Andrea and Bridget,

I know you already know these things.  But, I thought I'd just write them down, for whatever they're worth.  Please don't feel naggety-nagged.  This little exercise is perhaps more for my own benefit than for yours.

You are both now college graduates, entering the world of work and the adventure known as the "rest of your life."  I know it is exciting, but also scary and confusing and difficult. 

You have both been provided with solid, Catholic higher educations.  This is something both your father and I wanted for you, and we are so happy that you wanted them, too.  You have both truly taken full advantage of the educational opportunities afforded you.  You have achieved the twin goals of majoring in worthy subject areas and learning your faith at an advanced level.  And your faith now permeates all you do, in both your personal and work lives.  I see this every day.  And I am so very happy that your faith is a consolation to you.  It is not a burden.  The Lord should never be a burden.  Always remember that the Lord loves you and is on your side.  Too many people today -- even Catholic people -- seem to view the Lord as a burden.  As someone always waiting for them to trip up, so he can judge and condemn them.  And that is very sad to me.

Which brings me to this.  Your dad and I wanted you to be educated in your faith for your own good, but also for the good of others.  Not so you can go around being preachy and pushy and judgmental.  But, so that you can be a "light of love."   Do you remember in "The O.C.", during the Passover episode in the 1st season, when Sandy Cohen begins the prayer at the Seder dinner?  He prays that their family will be and do good for the world, for the country, for the community.  That their family will care for humanity.  Well, that prayer is a good summary of what your dad and I hope for you.  So, take your educations and go out into the world and meet people Where They Are.  Be compassionate.  Listen to others' points of view, humbly recognizing the truth contained in those points of view.  Don't demonize those who disagree with you.  But, realize that most people are good, and that they want to do the right thing.  And, realizing this, work with all people of good-will for a better world, knowing that you will not always get your way.   Knowing that people need to make their own choices without being coerced or forced or guilt-tripped into things.  Look for the virtue in people.  Look for the fun.  Look for the joy.  And, finding these things, enjoy those other people, even if they are very different from you, and work together toward a more fraternal society. 

Remember, also, that Jesus repeatedly says, "Do not be afraid."  I think he says this so often because we all tend to become easily afraid.  Many of your friends are afraid of what they see going on in our country and in our world.  You have seen what happens when people give into that fear.  People hide, stop speaking to anyone who disagrees with them, only befriend those who are like-minded, see the worst in the motivations of others.  I admit, I have been guilty of this, too.  But, this is not what we are supposed to do as Catholics.  We are supposed to be "in" the world, but not "of" the world.  Being "in" the world means that we are not supposed to run away.  We are supposed to be part of the "grand party" of life, along with all the other people God has created.  And what does it mean to not be "of" the world?  It doesn't mean that we are to look down our noses at people who don't share our perspective.  It does mean that we are to always have hope, no matter what goes on around us.  That we are to realize that no matter what our government or our politicians do, they cannot take away that hope, for it is not grounded in them.  Real faith, and a real life of faith, is not dependent on worldly "leaders."  Accordingly, when you see others losing hope, being not "of" the world means that you will provide a listening ear, some empathy -- whether or not those people share your belief system. 

So, beautiful daughters of mine, I love you so very much.  And, again, I know you already know these things.  It just feels good to write them down.  And, as you find your way through the minefields of life, know that you will step on some of those mines and they will loudly detonate, but you never know what loveliness lies just beyond the smoke and debris.

All my heart,
Mum