Do you believe in God? I'm not sure I do. And if there is a God for me to believe in, I'm not quite sure what rendition of that supernatural being I should put my faith in. Does He care? Or did He just start this world a-spinning; and does He just look with amusement upon what we do with it, what we do with each other? Or is God even a He? Could God be a She? Or an It? Or is the universe somehow conscious -- being aware of and impacting us in an active manner? Some people believe that. You know what I don't believe in? Many Gods. They would have just wiped each other out long ago in some great, grand battle -- ending, along with themselves, what they had created. I mean, can creation survive without its Creator? I don't think so. I guess it is easiest -- for me -- to believe in a God people would call "He." Even if He contains female attributes. Logically, He could not create what He does not possess. So, He has to have female characteristics, I guess. If He exists. And it's easier to believe in this kind of God -- for me, anyway -- because He would be a God who could piss you off. A God you could get angry with -- like your own earthly father. And, "God knows," I have plenty of experience getting angry with my own earthly father. So, it's easy for me to imagine this kind of a God. A God whom I could call "He." A God who tells you everything He does is for your good, but to whom "your good" seems to involve one hell of a lot of pain. A God who says He loves you and is close to you, even though you feel quite ignored by Him most of the time. So, maybe I do believe in God. But, is He any better than my own biological father? I don't know.
The woman lying next to me, stirring gently, she believes in God. She believes He is good. She believes He brought me to her -- that I am His "gift" to her. Why she would believe that I am a gift, I have no idea. She knows my past, my secrets. For some reason -- that I don't understand at all -- I have always felt compelled to let her in on those things, the things I keep locked away from everyone else. She knows my faults. She knows I lack her kind of faith, and that I probably always will. But, she says I am a "gift." She says that there is within me kindness and gentleness. She believes -- foolishly, in my mind -- that I am good. She tells me that the evil I have done is because the good in me couldn't bear the evil I was seeing -- the evil I was experiencing on a day-to-day basis. Yes, I think she is a rather delusional fool for believing I have any goodness in me. But, I let her love me. I let her love me because it is a love that does not expect anything, that just accepts everything. Her love is my peace. And I can't help loving her back. Loving her and the child. The child who was so unexpected. The child whom I didn't even really want at first. But, she wanted him -- or her. And so it is to be, because I find that I cannot refuse her.
Why do I bring these things up? These things about God and faith and doubt and love? Well, they have to do with why I didn't die. I was determined to die. I had made my preparations. And then I was stopped by a phone call. A phone call from somebody I had not seen in years, or even thought about. The woman who loves me -- she believes it was something she calls "providence." What do I believe? Hell if I know. Hell if I know why God would have waited so long, watching with seeming callousness all of my mistakes, watching me hurt many of His so-called "children" before stepping in. That doesn't make any sense to me. If I were God, I certainly wouldn't have done it that way. If I were God, I would have either stopped me before I could inflict any damage, or I would have let me kill myself. And then I would have sent me to "hell" -- if such a place actually exists. For, if the Judeo-Christian version of God has any truth to it, "hell" is where that particular philosophy certainly would have said I deserved to go.
My beautiful woman -- she talks about "mercy." She says God treated me with "mercy." I have a really hard time believing that. Where is His "mercy" in the middle of urban Los Angeles, I would like to know?
So, back to that phone call...
To be continued...
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