Mothers Judging Mothers

I read a blog post recently by a stay-at-home, homeschool mom in which she bemoaned the fact that homemaking seems to be turning into a lost art.  She wondered if, not too far into the future, the art of homemaking will be something only read about in fictional tales of yore.  And she seemed to be aiming at least a little bit of negative energy at the women of whose homemaking efforts and skills she disapproves. 

I am a stay-at-home mom, too.  I also homeschooled my kids for many years.  And I have enjoyed my life.  Are there things I regret, things I wish I had done differently?  Yes.  Do I see the negative side of homeschooling, as well as the many ways in which it benefited my kids?  Yes.  Do I romanticize homemaking?  No.  Well, at least not as much as some other people seem to.  Can I be kind of a rebellious bitch?  Yes.  Definitely.

So, in the spirit of rebellious bitchiness, here is the way I look at things.

First of all, many years ago (when I was a little girl), most women were home the majority of the time, but it was often out of necessity more than desire.  For example, there was no Trader Joe's, or any type of food that could be prepared conveniently and in little time.  Women had to cook from scratch, for the most part.  There were no dish washers.  The dish soap was not as good, thus necessitating more scrubbing.  Stores such as Target -- which provide a variety of relatively inexpensive clothes -- did not exist.  Women had to do at least some sewing.  There were no cotton/poly blends, so most clothes had to be ironed.  A lot of people didn't even have clothes driers, thus time had to be spent hanging the wash out on lines and then taking it back in.  Floors did not have easy-to-clean finishes.  They had to be stripped of their old wax and re-waxed regularly.  Same with the wood furniture.  Freezers had to be defrosted about every week -- manually.  This meant emptying the freezer of its contents, turning it off, filling it with pots of boiling water, and then cleaning up the melting ice before it got all over the place.  Baby bottles needed to be sterilized every day, because this was before pediatricians realized it really wasn't necessary.  Doctors also required mothers to prepare baby formula daily using sterilized water   Some women did nurse their babies, but it was not as common back then as it is now.  And women who did nurse their babies generally didn't do it for very long.  A lot of families only had one car, too -- usually used by the dad of the house to get to work -- which really put a crimp in the style of any mom who wanted to leave the house regularly.

So, when I see women criticizing other women for not attending properly to the art of homemaking, but instead working and bringing their kids to many after-school and summertime activities, I get a little annoyed.  Especially when some of these critical women are bringing their kids to PLENTY of extra-curricular activities, which take up plenty of time.  In fact, I have seen these critical women bristle when other, even more "traditional" women criticize them for putting their kids into too many sports and stuff.  I mean, COME ON PEOPLE, maybe we should mind our own business and allow moms and dads to make their own decisions about their own kids and family styles.  Maybe when are tempted to look to long and hard at others, we should instead turn our gaze to Ben McKenzie in "SouthLAnd."  Um... I mean... to our own business.

I will close out with a little personal history.  My dear cousin and her dear husband have three kids (now young adults) who are about the same ages as my three kids (also now young adults).  Her kids went to school and did many sports and activities.  They weren't home all that much.  Their mom was not overly-concerned about the state of the corners of her kitchen floor.  She also worked two days a week in a wonderful career field in which she excelled (and still excels).  On top of it all, this remarkable mother earned a teaching credential while raising her kids.  I, as I said, did homeschool.  My kids were involved in activites, but not quite as many.  I was a tad too concerned about the state of the corners of my kitchen floor.  Did my kids turn out better than hers?  Not at all.  Not one teeny, tiny little bit better.  All our kids are wonderful kids, making their way in the world as responsible, happy young adults.  Would people rather come to my house than hers?  Is my house warmer and more welcoming?  Again, not at all.  In fact, most people would rather go to her house.  The food at her parties is better.  And the atmosphere is full of fun.  My point?  Creating a wonderful family and a wonderful home can be done in many ways, including by ignoring the "art of homemaking" to a very large degree.  It is the loving welcome that matters, not the organization of the linen closet.

In my opinion, anyway. ;-)

 

Some Thoughts About Blogging

I read a beautiful mom's beautiful blog post yesterday.  She spoke movingly about her eldest child's recent wedding and how proud she is of her lovely family.  She also discussed how, over the years, many people have been critical of her for the lifestyle she has chosen -- that of a devoutly Catholic homeschooling, homemaking mom.  She told of the conclusion she has come to -- that she is no longer going to let the naysayers get to her.  She has decided that listening to and getting upset by the negative voices is a waste of her time and energy. 

"Kudos!" I thought.  And then I was going to comment on her blog post, telling her how much I was moved by it and how happy I was for her that she has decided not to let the meanies get her down.  And I found that she had closed the comments -- not allowing anybody to say anything to her about that particular post. 

And I sort of snickered.  I mean, I guess that's one way to handle it.  You can't let people's negative comments and opinions affect you if you just don't allow them to say anything to you.  Right?

Now, don't get me wrong.  I, too, am a very sensitive person.  I like people to be happy with me and say nice things to me.  I don't like bullies -- cyber or otherwise.  I sometimes get teary if I feel unjustly criticized.

But, this is the thing.  This lady is a fairly high-profile blogger.  She seems to be willing to put herself and her family "out there" on pretty much a daily basis.  I have recently been doing that, too.  And I figure that if you are going to do that -- if you are going to posit your thoughts and opinions on religion, politics, friendship, education, marriage, family life, etc. on a public blog, then you need to allow other people to speak to you.  Even if they don't agree with you.  Even if they think you are downright wrong about stuff.  Otherwise, it isn't really fair.  You get to say your side -- quite confidently -- but, you accuse others of being hurtful if they disagree with you.  It's almost like saying, "My way or the highway."  It's like saying that you aren't willing to consider that you might possibly be even a little bit wrong in any of your choices.  This strikes me as maybe a little bit prideful.

Now, I'm not saying we have to put up with people who are being purposefully rude.  Comments that are just nasty should be deleted -- unceremoniously and without tears.  Some people who travel the world of cyberspace are simply looking to be mean.  They are not interested in any real exchange of ideas.  But, we should work on not letting those people get to us.  Their opinions about us don't matter, because they aren't looking to have an intelligent discussion.  They are just looking to make us cry.  And, if we cry, we let them win.  And they are not worth the price of the kleenex we blow our noses on.

But, if reasonable people disagree with us about things -- even if they are a bit vociferous about it -- they can be worth listening to.  As I was raising my kids, I made certain choices and judgements about what would be best for them.  I was pretty confident in those choices and judgements.  And, as I look back with hindsight now, I can see that I was very wrong at times.  Even as I was feeling quite righteous.  And there were people who did try to talk to me, who disagreed with me.  In my zealous self-confidence, though, I ignored them -- to the detriment of myself, my husband, my kids, and my family life. 

Just because we feel passionately about our ideas does not guarantee that we are correct in our conclusions.  So, if you are raising kids, I would encourage you to listen to the voices of others, voices that might differ from your own.  Yes, in the end, your choices are yours to make.  But, other people might have more insight than we want to give them credit for, even if they might strike us as unfairly critical in their tone.  Most of us, after all, don't really consider how we are going to come across when we give an opinion.  That doesn't mean those opinions aren't worthwhile. 

And if someone really has a hard time with people who post contrarian comments on her blog, maybe a nice diary of the old-fashioned book variety would be a wise investment.

Being A Mom. Being Overwhelmed. Situation Normal.

A lovely Catholic mother of nine was recently talking about feeling overwhelmed.  She seemed to be of the opinion that if she was doing things as God wanted her to do them, she would not feel thus. 

Ahem... NO.

As the very wise Father Buckley has stated:  Just because you are a Christian doesn't mean that you will ride your surfboard on a continual wave of joy all your life.

True that...  And so, if you are a mother, you are going to feel overwhelmed sometimes.  It doesn't mean you are doing anything wrong, at least as far as being a Christian is concerned.  Especially if you have nine children -- or even one, for that matter.  Motherhood -- as well as any other vocation -- is going to leave you feeling overwhelmed from time to time.  Or even quite often.

First, let's remember that thing called "The Fall."  It happened in the Garden of Eden.  And nothing has been the same since.  If you are a Christian, you believe in "The Fall."  And if you are not a Christian and you don't believe in "The Fall," I bet you would still be willing to admit that a lot of things in this world, for some reason or another, seem awfully "f-d" up.  So, even if we are doing the very best job we can as mothers, we should not expect smooth sailing all the time.  And, perhaps, if we can accept the imperfections and frustrations inherent in life -- and even the feeling of being completely overwhelmed at times -- we will actually have more peace of mind.  Because at least we won't be beating ourselves up by blaming these normal feelings on our supposed shortcomings as Christian women. 

Stuff happens... You know?

One day, when my kids were 4, 2, and newborn, I awoke to the following.  The 4-year-old had peed in her bed, the newborn's diaper had leaked all over my bed, and the 2-year-old had thrown up sometime during the night (apparently without waking up) -- leaving me to find her, her bed, and the wall next to the bed absolutely covered in dried barf.  And I am not good with barf -- ask any of my kids.  I can take massive arterial bleeding better than I can take barf.  My husband was hurrying out the door to work as I discovered all of these things, so he was unavailable to help.  I cried.  I didn't know which mess or which child to attend to first.  I was all bleary-eyed, exhausted from taking care of the new baby during the night.  Did I feel overwhelmed?  You bet your little backside.  Did I feel this way because I was lacking something in my relationship with the Lord?  No.  I was feeling this way because there was pee and barf all over my house, and I was the only adult present. 

Another day, I thought I was finished with meals and messes for a little while.  If you are a mother of three little children, you will know that life is a constant whirlwind of meals and messes.  I was looking forward to some quiet playtime with my kids.  But, as I walked into the kitchen, I discovered that my then 3-year-old daughter had colored the bottoms of her shoes with blue marker and walked ALL OVER the white kitchen floor.  I wish I could say that I had a sense of humor about the whole thing, but I did not.  A massively poopy diaper followed by blue footprints all over my white floor were not my idea of a good time.  And I felt -- OVERWHELMED.  Again, not because of my lack of a spiritual life.  Simply because I was very tired and there were these freaking "decorations" covering my linoleum.  Yes -- that is what my daughter told me she was doing -- "decorating" the floor, because white was boring. 

Now, I admit that having a good prayer life will help you through these difficult times as a mom.  But, life is life.  And the world is fallen.  So, when s**t happens to us as moms, and we feel overwhelmed, we shouldn't beat ourselves up over it.  Jesus felt overwhelmed, too.  Remember how he used to try to escape the crowds for a while, to have some peace and quiet prayer time?  Of course, the people always managed to find him in his places of respite -- just like our kids always manage to find us. 

Admittedly, it is wise for us mothers to look at how we are structuring our lives.  It is wise for us to examine our daily routines and our expectations of ourselves and others.  At times, we can find ways to do things more efficiently, leading to fewer occasions when we feel stressed to the max.  And we should examine our spiritual lives.  They are important.  A positive spiritual life can definitely help us deal with difficult circumstances in more positive ways.  Just like Jesus taking his quiet prayer time apart from the crowds helped him in his mission on earth.

But, life is life.  It can be overwhelming.  I think it's healthy to accept that.  So, let's just say a little prayer, do the best we can from day to day, and try to remember that "this, too, shall pass..."