Young People And Sexual Issues

Today, a very lovely young woman posted an article to Facebook.  It dealt with the topic of Christian young people and the sexual issues they face -- regarding such things as sexual development, sexual identity, sexual activity, and pornography.  The article encouraged parents not to be fools, not to be in denial about the possibility of their own kids struggling in these areas. 

There are times when I think that Catholic/Christian young people have it harder than more secular young people when it comes to growing up and dealing with issues of sexuality.  After all, if you are a Catholic/Christian teen or young adult, and you are going to church and are active in church-organized youth activities, it is expected that you are "holy" and "wholesome."  People often assume that you aren't sexually active in any way, shape, or form.  And you can be ashamed if you realize that you aren't meeting these often unfair and, possibly, unreasonably high expectations.  This shame will most likely cause you to not communicate about these issues honestly with your parents, for example.  So, it is the parents' job to be aware of the fact that their kids are sexual beings, in the midst of becoming sexual adults, and they might need an ear, some understanding, and some help.

And I don't mean by this that if you catch your kid masturbating that you should drag him (or her) off to Confession and never let him (or her) close his (or her) bedroom door again, figuring that you have solved the problem. 

Okay.  Now a bunch of you are probably mad at me.  I don't mean to belittle the proper use of Confession.  Confession -- especially with the help of a kind, understanding, and wise priest (like Father Cornelius Buckley) -- is a comforting and wonderful thing.  But, I have seen -- at least at times -- Catholics and other Christians oversimplifying the whole issue of sexual development in young people.  It's not that I feel that I'm all-wise and all-knowing in this area.  But, these are just some of the things I have figured out along the way, starting from my experiences as the tutor for the Human Sexuality class in college and continuing on through my experiences as a young single woman, a young married woman, a mom, an older married woman, and a friend of people who are single/married/straight/gay/etc.  I am not speaking for the Church here.  These are only my opinions and what has worked for me.  Take it or leave it, as you will.

First of all, I have seen a movement in certain Catholic/Christian circles that basically attempts to ban all possibility of "errant" sexual activity amongst young people by not allowing any dating until it is for the sole purpose of marriage -- and then calling it courting, with a bunch of strict rules in place.  This movement also  discourages most (if not all) physical affection between "courting" couples.  (Some young people are even encouraged to refrain from kissing until their wedding day.  Frankly, if I had to go from not even kissing a guy to full-on sexual intercourse in one day, I would have been totally freaked out and overwhelmed.  But, that's just me.)  Some religious groups are also telling young women that they must be totally chaste -- in mind, body, and spirit -- in all of their relationships with young men, telling them that they are the sexual standard-bearers of society.  These young ladies are given the message that they are failing if they think of men in a sexual way, thus perhaps tempting these poor, weak guys who aren't expected to have any sexual self-control of their own.  Until, of course, these young women get married.  Then they are expected to figure out how to chastely satisfy the sexual needs of their husbands.  I have read articles by some of the young women who have been raised in this manner -- women who love God very much and who want to be good Christians -- and they explain how this, essentially, "screwed them up."

Now a bunch more of you are probably mad at me.  That's cool.  Also, I admit, there are happy young people who have been raised in this very strict way.  I am also not trying to say -- in any way, shape, or form -- that young people should be encouraged or allowed to just "have at it" with each others' bodies.  And that is another extreme which some schools of thought seem to favor.

So, what do I actually think is helpful to young people who are trying to become mature adults -- sexually, as well as in all other ways?

I think it is our responsibility, as parents, to help our kids create well-rounded and satisfying lives, beginning in early childhood.  How can we help our kids succeed academically, develop their areas of interest (such as athletics or the arts), and have happy social lives?  How can we make our homes and families places where our kids feel loved, supported, and nurtured?  If we pay attention to these things, it will probably help to forestall many potential problems our kids might face -- not only in the area of sexuality, but in other areas, as well.

I think we must also accept that a certain amount of sexual curiosity and exploration are normal for teenagers and young adults.  My friend and I used to find and read all the "sexy parts" in our moms' "bodice-ripper novels."  My sister and her friends found somebody's hidden stash of "Playboy" magazines and looked through them.  None of us went on to develop a pornography addiction.  Why?  Because when we told our mothers about our little "discoveries," they did not over-react.  They reacted calmly, with good humor.  They also gave us good examples of how to be as women by how they actually behaved as wives and in their relationships with men.  In short, they helped us keep these things in perspective.  I suppose one of the thing my own mother did which I found especially helpful was how she talked to us about the sex in movies, TV, and books.  Because, frankly, as much as some people protest, these things aren't going to go away.  My mother made it a point to talk to us about "real-life" sex, and how it compared to and contrasted with the sex onscreen and in print.  She gave us a view of sex which was real, without coming down on us for having normal, girlish imaginations. 

And what if you do happen to catch your teenager in some sexual situation to which you object?  First of all, stay calm.  If you lose it, you'll probably just make things worse.  Give your child the time and space to disengage himself from the activity with dignity.  Before talking to your child, ask yourself, "Is this activity within the realm of normal sexual development for a person of this age group?"  After asking yourself this question, speak with your teen.  But, don't humiliate your child.  Treat him or her with dignity and understanding.  And -- this is just my opinion -- do not, under any circumstances, scare your child with threats of going to hell.  Hell is a pretty serious thing, reserved for those who commit grievous actions with full knowledge and consent.  Teenagers and young adults have a lot of stuff going on developmentally, so even if you believe what your kid was doing was a big sin, there is a good possibility that the conditions for full culpability did not exist.  And, in any case, I have not usually found threats of hell all that effective in the raising of kids.  I have never done it myself, but I have seen it done, often with poor outcomes.  A quiet manner, a listening ear, and an understanding heart are usually much more helpful.

I know this has been very rambling and long.  If you have stuck it out, I appreciate your time.  If I lost you along the way, that is perfectly understandable.  Again, these are just my thoughts.  I don't claim to be any kind of font of wisdom.  Pax.    
  



 

Sex -- Second Installment

I wrote a post a while ago about sex.  I thought I'd write another one today.

These are just my thoughts.  If you roll differently, that's cool.  I'm nobody's judge and jury.  Believe me, I know what it feels like to be judged.  And it doesn't feel too good.

I am Catholic.  Growing up Catholic, I was taught the Catholic ideas about sex.  Many people misunderstand the Catholic ideas about sex.  I have heard Catholicism referred to as an "anti-sex cult."  That makes me giggle.

Anyway, amongst all the theological sex discussion that I grew up with, there is one statement which still stands out to me to this day.  It was spoken to my by my Italian immigrant peasant-farmer-turned-candle-factory-worker Nana.  Before I tell you what she said, though, let me tell you a little bit about her.

My Nana was cool.  And she was no prude.  In the family, it was known that she and my Grandpa were, as you might put it, "into each other."  And she loved the handsome blonde guy on "The Lawrence Welk Show" and she loved her soap opera hotties.  I tell you, if "The O.C." had been on when I was a young girl, my Nana would have been right there watching it with us.  I think she would have dug Sandy Cohen and Jimmy Cooper (and, yes, even Ryan Atwood).  Although, as we watched it together, she probably would have injected some of her Nana-wisdom into the whole situation.  For example, she would have told us that the whole idea of Ryan in that poolhouse just wasn't good sense.  She would have made him leave all the blinds open 24/7.  And he would never have gotten away with taking off in the Range Rover in a fit of temper.  My Nana was like 5'11" and 180 -- and Ryan just would not have gotten away with crap like that.  Ryan would also never have been able to pull the wool over her eyes in his attempt to sneak across the border to finish off that Volchok character.  My Nana would have seen that coming a mile away.  And it just wouldn't have happened.  She would have sent him outside to dig post holes or paint the house until he cooled off.  That was her way of dealing with youthful passions.  The digging of holes was high on her list of techniques for coping with teenagers and their ways.  But, even with all that, she would have watched every single episode of "The O.C." and loved every minute of it.

When my Nana spoke, then, you listened.  Because when she spoke, she always made sense.  Because when she spoke, you felt like she understood you.  And she always had a little gleam in her eye when she dispensed advice, as she did comprehend the hearts and minds of young people.

So, here I present to you the one piece of sex advice she ever gave me.  I remember it clearly to this very day.  We were in her "TV room" -- probably after watching one of the soaps that she loved.  She was standing up, stretched out to her full 5'11'' height.  And she said:

"Why should you have sex before you get married?  If you have sex before you get married, then what will you have to look forward to?"

That was all she said.  Nothing about sin or hell or the Theology Of The Body.  Just, "What will you have to look forward to?"  And, boy, in the midst of the Sexual Revolution, that did give me pause.  Because when you are in the "middle of it" with a hot guy (or a hot girl, or whatever), it is hard to remember theological stuff, but it is not hard to remember a statement like that.

Again, this is not a judgement on anybody.  Everybody is free to make their own decisions about sex.  It's just something I present for your consideration.  And it is a memory that brings a smile to my lips.

Bullying And Family Life

Yesterday, I spoke about the need for kids to be allowed to stand up for themselves against bullies.  Today, I would like to speak of how our homes and family lives can be used to shield our children from bullying and its negative effects.

Young people, common wisdom holds, are very peer-oriented.  It is quite important to them to feel accepted by their confreres, to "fit in."  And this makes them especially vulnerable to bullying.  Bullies can make their targets virtual outcasts at school and in other social situations, as most kids -- even those who aren't doing the bullying -- feel unable to stand up to these mean people.  So, the victims of bullies are often victimized twice over -- by the bullies themselves, and by the otherwise nice kids who don't befriend or stick up for them out of their own fear of the bullies.  I had this experience myself in school. When I was bullied, the kids who actually liked me would often avoid me because they were afraid to become targets themselves.  So, not only did I feel abused by the mean kids, I also felt very alone.

And this is where a positive home and family life are so important for young people who are victims of  bullies.  Now, I realize that for some kids, a good home life is a near impossibility.  And that is an issue to be addressed separately.  For now, I am speaking to parents -- married, single, straight, or gay  -- who have the ability to create a haven in their homes for their kids.  Who can make their relationships with their kids into safe harbors against the storms of life, including bullying.  And I believe this to be a grave parental responsibility.  I know that we as parents have plenty of our own problems, and it can be tempting to play down the problems that our sometimes difficult teens are having.  Really, though, in the long run, if we can reach inside and dig out of ourselves whatever is necessary to help our kids, we are not only helping them -- we are helping ourselves.  I mean, let's face it.  Nothing makes your life more miserable than a miserable kid. (Yes. I guess I am appealing a little bit to our own adult selfishness here.  Please forgive.)

I know that in my own experience of growing up, nothing comforted me more in the face of the bullies at school than looking forward to Sunday dinner at my grandparents' house, where my cousin would be over.  We used to play "The Flying Nun" and my cousin always got to be the Mother Superior.  We would attempt to "fly" by jumping off of my nana and grandpa's front porch.  And if you don't know what "The Flying Nun" is, then Google it. #generationgap ;-)

And after a tough day in the presence of bullies, what could be lovelier than a meal with a dad who will truly listen - or - having your mom read aloud from that ridiculous hippie-era book, "Flowers for Algernon," that your stuck-in-the-60's English teacher insists upon assigning - or - sitting on the couch watching a movie with your siblings, while your parents make you popcorn?

You, as parents, may say to me, "My kids just aren't interested in doing these kinds of things with us." Well, I beg to differ. With a little finesse on your part, dear parents, most of your kids would be happy to hang with you, to accept this kind of comfort from you.  You just have to be a little bit clever about it. Ask yourselves what would have made you want to hang out with your own parents when you were young.

After all, isn't it really in the home, with our families, where we are truly meant to find our comfort and sense of belonging in this life?  I think so.  And it is our job as parents to teach our children this, to give them this gift.  For if our kids know that they actually do have a place in this world, a place that is secure, then it will be much easier for them to say -- "Who gives a flying f**k about these bullies, anyway?"