Today, a very lovely young woman posted an article to Facebook. It dealt with the topic of Christian young people and the sexual issues they face -- regarding such things as sexual development, sexual identity, sexual activity, and pornography. The article encouraged parents not to be fools, not to be in denial about the possibility of their own kids struggling in these areas.
There are times when I think that Catholic/Christian young people have it harder than more secular young people when it comes to growing up and dealing with issues of sexuality. After all, if you are a Catholic/Christian teen or young adult, and you are going to church and are active in church-organized youth activities, it is expected that you are "holy" and "wholesome." People often assume that you aren't sexually active in any way, shape, or form. And you can be ashamed if you realize that you aren't meeting these often unfair and, possibly, unreasonably high expectations. This shame will most likely cause you to not communicate about these issues honestly with your parents, for example. So, it is the parents' job to be aware of the fact that their kids are sexual beings, in the midst of becoming sexual adults, and they might need an ear, some understanding, and some help.
And I don't mean by this that if you catch your kid masturbating that you should drag him (or her) off to Confession and never let him (or her) close his (or her) bedroom door again, figuring that you have solved the problem.
Okay. Now a bunch of you are probably mad at me. I don't mean to belittle the proper use of Confession. Confession -- especially with the help of a kind, understanding, and wise priest (like Father Cornelius Buckley) -- is a comforting and wonderful thing. But, I have seen -- at least at times -- Catholics and other Christians oversimplifying the whole issue of sexual development in young people. It's not that I feel that I'm all-wise and all-knowing in this area. But, these are just some of the things I have figured out along the way, starting from my experiences as the tutor for the Human Sexuality class in college and continuing on through my experiences as a young single woman, a young married woman, a mom, an older married woman, and a friend of people who are single/married/straight/gay/etc. I am not speaking for the Church here. These are only my opinions and what has worked for me. Take it or leave it, as you will.
First of all, I have seen a movement in certain Catholic/Christian circles that basically attempts to ban all possibility of "errant" sexual activity amongst young people by not allowing any dating until it is for the sole purpose of marriage -- and then calling it courting, with a bunch of strict rules in place. This movement also discourages most (if not all) physical affection between "courting" couples. (Some young people are even encouraged to refrain from kissing until their wedding day. Frankly, if I had to go from not even kissing a guy to full-on sexual intercourse in one day, I would have been totally freaked out and overwhelmed. But, that's just me.) Some religious groups are also telling young women that they must be totally chaste -- in mind, body, and spirit -- in all of their relationships with young men, telling them that they are the sexual standard-bearers of society. These young ladies are given the message that they are failing if they think of men in a sexual way, thus perhaps tempting these poor, weak guys who aren't expected to have any sexual self-control of their own. Until, of course, these young women get married. Then they are expected to figure out how to chastely satisfy the sexual needs of their husbands. I have read articles by some of the young women who have been raised in this manner -- women who love God very much and who want to be good Christians -- and they explain how this, essentially, "screwed them up."
Now a bunch more of you are probably mad at me. That's cool. Also, I admit, there are happy young people who have been raised in this very strict way. I am also not trying to say -- in any way, shape, or form -- that young people should be encouraged or allowed to just "have at it" with each others' bodies. And that is another extreme which some schools of thought seem to favor.
So, what do I actually think is helpful to young people who are trying to become mature adults -- sexually, as well as in all other ways?
I think it is our responsibility, as parents, to help our kids create well-rounded and satisfying lives, beginning in early childhood. How can we help our kids succeed academically, develop their areas of interest (such as athletics or the arts), and have happy social lives? How can we make our homes and families places where our kids feel loved, supported, and nurtured? If we pay attention to these things, it will probably help to forestall many potential problems our kids might face -- not only in the area of sexuality, but in other areas, as well.
I think we must also accept that a certain amount of sexual curiosity and exploration are normal for teenagers and young adults. My friend and I used to find and read all the "sexy parts" in our moms' "bodice-ripper novels." My sister and her friends found somebody's hidden stash of "Playboy" magazines and looked through them. None of us went on to develop a pornography addiction. Why? Because when we told our mothers about our little "discoveries," they did not over-react. They reacted calmly, with good humor. They also gave us good examples of how to be as women by how they actually behaved as wives and in their relationships with men. In short, they helped us keep these things in perspective. I suppose one of the thing my own mother did which I found especially helpful was how she talked to us about the sex in movies, TV, and books. Because, frankly, as much as some people protest, these things aren't going to go away. My mother made it a point to talk to us about "real-life" sex, and how it compared to and contrasted with the sex onscreen and in print. She gave us a view of sex which was real, without coming down on us for having normal, girlish imaginations.
And what if you do happen to catch your teenager in some sexual situation to which you object? First of all, stay calm. If you lose it, you'll probably just make things worse. Give your child the time and space to disengage himself from the activity with dignity. Before talking to your child, ask yourself, "Is this activity within the realm of normal sexual development for a person of this age group?" After asking yourself this question, speak with your teen. But, don't humiliate your child. Treat him or her with dignity and understanding. And -- this is just my opinion -- do not, under any circumstances, scare your child with threats of going to hell. Hell is a pretty serious thing, reserved for those who commit grievous actions with full knowledge and consent. Teenagers and young adults have a lot of stuff going on developmentally, so even if you believe what your kid was doing was a big sin, there is a good possibility that the conditions for full culpability did not exist. And, in any case, I have not usually found threats of hell all that effective in the raising of kids. I have never done it myself, but I have seen it done, often with poor outcomes. A quiet manner, a listening ear, and an understanding heart are usually much more helpful.
I know this has been very rambling and long. If you have stuck it out, I appreciate your time. If I lost you along the way, that is perfectly understandable. Again, these are just my thoughts. I don't claim to be any kind of font of wisdom. Pax.
Showing posts with label sex. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sex. Show all posts
Wednesday, August 21, 2013
Saturday, May 4, 2013
Sex -- Second Installment
I wrote a post a while ago about sex. I thought I'd write another one today.
These are just my thoughts. If you roll differently, that's cool. I'm nobody's judge and jury. Believe me, I know what it feels like to be judged. And it doesn't feel too good.
I am Catholic. Growing up Catholic, I was taught the Catholic ideas about sex. Many people misunderstand the Catholic ideas about sex. I have heard Catholicism referred to as an "anti-sex cult." That makes me giggle.
Anyway, amongst all the theological sex discussion that I grew up with, there is one statement which still stands out to me to this day. It was spoken to my by my Italian immigrant peasant-farmer-turned-candle-factory-worker Nana. Before I tell you what she said, though, let me tell you a little bit about her.
My Nana was cool. And she was no prude. In the family, it was known that she and my Grandpa were, as you might put it, "into each other." And she loved the handsome blonde guy on "The Lawrence Welk Show" and she loved her soap opera hotties. I tell you, if "The O.C." had been on when I was a young girl, my Nana would have been right there watching it with us. I think she would have dug Sandy Cohen and Jimmy Cooper (and, yes, even Ryan Atwood). Although, as we watched it together, she probably would have injected some of her Nana-wisdom into the whole situation. For example, she would have told us that the whole idea of Ryan in that poolhouse just wasn't good sense. She would have made him leave all the blinds open 24/7. And he would never have gotten away with taking off in the Range Rover in a fit of temper. My Nana was like 5'11" and 180 -- and Ryan just would not have gotten away with crap like that. Ryan would also never have been able to pull the wool over her eyes in his attempt to sneak across the border to finish off that Volchok character. My Nana would have seen that coming a mile away. And it just wouldn't have happened. She would have sent him outside to dig post holes or paint the house until he cooled off. That was her way of dealing with youthful passions. The digging of holes was high on her list of techniques for coping with teenagers and their ways. But, even with all that, she would have watched every single episode of "The O.C." and loved every minute of it.
When my Nana spoke, then, you listened. Because when she spoke, she always made sense. Because when she spoke, you felt like she understood you. And she always had a little gleam in her eye when she dispensed advice, as she did comprehend the hearts and minds of young people.
So, here I present to you the one piece of sex advice she ever gave me. I remember it clearly to this very day. We were in her "TV room" -- probably after watching one of the soaps that she loved. She was standing up, stretched out to her full 5'11'' height. And she said:
"Why should you have sex before you get married? If you have sex before you get married, then what will you have to look forward to?"
That was all she said. Nothing about sin or hell or the Theology Of The Body. Just, "What will you have to look forward to?" And, boy, in the midst of the Sexual Revolution, that did give me pause. Because when you are in the "middle of it" with a hot guy (or a hot girl, or whatever), it is hard to remember theological stuff, but it is not hard to remember a statement like that.
Again, this is not a judgement on anybody. Everybody is free to make their own decisions about sex. It's just something I present for your consideration. And it is a memory that brings a smile to my lips.
These are just my thoughts. If you roll differently, that's cool. I'm nobody's judge and jury. Believe me, I know what it feels like to be judged. And it doesn't feel too good.
I am Catholic. Growing up Catholic, I was taught the Catholic ideas about sex. Many people misunderstand the Catholic ideas about sex. I have heard Catholicism referred to as an "anti-sex cult." That makes me giggle.
Anyway, amongst all the theological sex discussion that I grew up with, there is one statement which still stands out to me to this day. It was spoken to my by my Italian immigrant peasant-farmer-turned-candle-factory-worker Nana. Before I tell you what she said, though, let me tell you a little bit about her.
My Nana was cool. And she was no prude. In the family, it was known that she and my Grandpa were, as you might put it, "into each other." And she loved the handsome blonde guy on "The Lawrence Welk Show" and she loved her soap opera hotties. I tell you, if "The O.C." had been on when I was a young girl, my Nana would have been right there watching it with us. I think she would have dug Sandy Cohen and Jimmy Cooper (and, yes, even Ryan Atwood). Although, as we watched it together, she probably would have injected some of her Nana-wisdom into the whole situation. For example, she would have told us that the whole idea of Ryan in that poolhouse just wasn't good sense. She would have made him leave all the blinds open 24/7. And he would never have gotten away with taking off in the Range Rover in a fit of temper. My Nana was like 5'11" and 180 -- and Ryan just would not have gotten away with crap like that. Ryan would also never have been able to pull the wool over her eyes in his attempt to sneak across the border to finish off that Volchok character. My Nana would have seen that coming a mile away. And it just wouldn't have happened. She would have sent him outside to dig post holes or paint the house until he cooled off. That was her way of dealing with youthful passions. The digging of holes was high on her list of techniques for coping with teenagers and their ways. But, even with all that, she would have watched every single episode of "The O.C." and loved every minute of it.
When my Nana spoke, then, you listened. Because when she spoke, she always made sense. Because when she spoke, you felt like she understood you. And she always had a little gleam in her eye when she dispensed advice, as she did comprehend the hearts and minds of young people.
So, here I present to you the one piece of sex advice she ever gave me. I remember it clearly to this very day. We were in her "TV room" -- probably after watching one of the soaps that she loved. She was standing up, stretched out to her full 5'11'' height. And she said:
"Why should you have sex before you get married? If you have sex before you get married, then what will you have to look forward to?"
That was all she said. Nothing about sin or hell or the Theology Of The Body. Just, "What will you have to look forward to?" And, boy, in the midst of the Sexual Revolution, that did give me pause. Because when you are in the "middle of it" with a hot guy (or a hot girl, or whatever), it is hard to remember theological stuff, but it is not hard to remember a statement like that.
Again, this is not a judgement on anybody. Everybody is free to make their own decisions about sex. It's just something I present for your consideration. And it is a memory that brings a smile to my lips.
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
Sex
Today, I am going to talk about sex. Not really in a theological or philosophical way. Just reflecting on things I have observed.
I hope I don't offend anyone. If you have different ideas, that's cool with me. I'm not claiming to be an authority figure here.
On the TV show "Angel" -- which is actually not extremely recent, but recent enough for my purposes -- the pretty lady is coming onto Angel (who is a vampire, played by David Boreanaz). She, though, doesn't know he is a vampire. He is rather taken aback, and asks her if she "wants to make love." She scoffs and asks what century he is from. This, of course, is meant as a comic moment, since he is hundreds of years old (being a vampire and all).
My daughter Andrea started me watching "Angel" and various other current TV shows and movies. She also got me doing more things on the Internet. This caused me to be more "in touch" with modern society, as I had been busy for many years homeschooling my kids. Andrea thought that since I was finished with homeschooling that I might enjoy connecting with the world once again. And it has been quite fun.
One of the things I started noticing is how people are looking at and talking about and having sex.
Now, I have never been naive about sex. I am not a prude. I grew up during the sexual revolution, after all. My education was provided at public institutions by many sexual revolutionaries. I do not mind talking about sex and thinking about sex. I have never shunned movies and TV shows with sexual content. I enjoy the good "dirty joke." But, with homeschooling and the lifestyle which that required, I had sort of been away from these things for a number of years. Just didn't really have the time for them.
So, when I started observing once again the world of modern sexual ideas and practices, there are some things I have noticed. I present them to you for your consideration.
And that brings me back to "Angel." When the young lady scoffs at the handsome vampire for referring to sex as "making love," she acts as though no one calls it that anymore. And guess what I have discovered since? Nobody really does. Not that everybody called it "making love" back in my youth, either. But, the term was much more common than it is now. Even the hippies wanted to "make love, not war."
I am not trying to sound all prudish and judgmental here. But, as I look at young people today and hear them referring to sex as anything but "making love," I find it a little sad. And the reason I find it sad is that it seems, on some level at least, to make them sad. I am not seeing a lot of happiness or joy in the "hook-up" culture. I am not seeing a lot of young people who feel valued and cared for in their sexual relationships. I see not a little bit of cynicism.
Please don't get me wrong. I am not what you would call an "ultra-conservative" in these matters. I would never be able to wait for my wedding day to have my first kiss with my new husband. I have always enjoyed physical affection, and I have a hard time doing without it. And I had a hard time doing without it when I was young, too. (Sorry if this is TMI.) So, I understand people's desires.
I hope, though, that people would really think about what is actually healthy for themselves. Yes, we hear a lot about "safe sex." We hear about how women need reliable birth control in order to have sex lives which are satisfying and free -- without worry about unplanned pregnancies. And I understand the reasoning behind these ideas.
But, maybe with all the talk about condoms and birth control pills and whether or not we should support the HHS mandate, we are forgetting that sexual health also includes healthy relationships. Relationships that include friendship and true affection. Relationships where people can actually trust and rely on one another. Relationships that include love...
So, yes, I admit I enjoy a good "off-color" joke. There are people who would probably disapprove mightily of some of the things I "favorite" on Twitter. And I understand that not everybody is Catholic or Christian. I understand that nobody wants to get forced into conforming to someone else's ideas of morality. We all have the freedom to choose what we will believe. That is part of the definition of human dignity.
Given that, though, I think most people want to feel valued by their sexual partner. Most people want to feel loved and cherished. Some people deny that these things are important to them. But, I don't quite believe it. I think the people who deny they want love are people who -- somehow, some way, for some (probably painful) reason -- have given up on finding it. And so I think, as a society, we should reflect on this. Condoms and birth control pills can prevent physical events, but they don't do anything for our psyche. And maybe the health of our hearts, minds, and souls is just as important as the health of our genitals.
In conclusion, I am going to mention -- once again -- the TV show "SouthLAnd." (You knew I'd find a way. Tee-hee.) In the current season of this epic series, we see Officer Ben Sherman -- young, handsome, star on the rise in the LAPD -- juggling two women. First, he starts dating a pretty schoolteacher. Things start to get a little serious (a.k.a. she likes him quite a bit). So, what does he do? He goes off and sleeps with this rather wild young lady -- who, in her own right, is lovely and interesting. Why does he do this? It seems that he is rather freaked out at the idea of commitment and, thus, is shooting himself in the foot. Now, Officer Ben has always had a rather wild sex life. This is nothing new. And I often wonder about the trail of antibiotic-resistant bacteria he is leaving in his wake. But, as the show progresses, we see that this footloose and fancy-free sex life does not actually make him happy. And I think this particular aspect of this particular show (as well as the above-mentioned scene in "Angel" and many other themes in current TV, movies, songs, books, etc.) reflects what I have spoken of in this post. There is a lot of sex going on. But, is it really making people happy?
We do have the freedom to choose. And we really always will, no matter what the state of the law. May we have the wisdom to choose that which will actually lead us to happiness.
I hope I don't offend anyone. If you have different ideas, that's cool with me. I'm not claiming to be an authority figure here.
On the TV show "Angel" -- which is actually not extremely recent, but recent enough for my purposes -- the pretty lady is coming onto Angel (who is a vampire, played by David Boreanaz). She, though, doesn't know he is a vampire. He is rather taken aback, and asks her if she "wants to make love." She scoffs and asks what century he is from. This, of course, is meant as a comic moment, since he is hundreds of years old (being a vampire and all).
My daughter Andrea started me watching "Angel" and various other current TV shows and movies. She also got me doing more things on the Internet. This caused me to be more "in touch" with modern society, as I had been busy for many years homeschooling my kids. Andrea thought that since I was finished with homeschooling that I might enjoy connecting with the world once again. And it has been quite fun.
One of the things I started noticing is how people are looking at and talking about and having sex.
Now, I have never been naive about sex. I am not a prude. I grew up during the sexual revolution, after all. My education was provided at public institutions by many sexual revolutionaries. I do not mind talking about sex and thinking about sex. I have never shunned movies and TV shows with sexual content. I enjoy the good "dirty joke." But, with homeschooling and the lifestyle which that required, I had sort of been away from these things for a number of years. Just didn't really have the time for them.
So, when I started observing once again the world of modern sexual ideas and practices, there are some things I have noticed. I present them to you for your consideration.
And that brings me back to "Angel." When the young lady scoffs at the handsome vampire for referring to sex as "making love," she acts as though no one calls it that anymore. And guess what I have discovered since? Nobody really does. Not that everybody called it "making love" back in my youth, either. But, the term was much more common than it is now. Even the hippies wanted to "make love, not war."
I am not trying to sound all prudish and judgmental here. But, as I look at young people today and hear them referring to sex as anything but "making love," I find it a little sad. And the reason I find it sad is that it seems, on some level at least, to make them sad. I am not seeing a lot of happiness or joy in the "hook-up" culture. I am not seeing a lot of young people who feel valued and cared for in their sexual relationships. I see not a little bit of cynicism.
Please don't get me wrong. I am not what you would call an "ultra-conservative" in these matters. I would never be able to wait for my wedding day to have my first kiss with my new husband. I have always enjoyed physical affection, and I have a hard time doing without it. And I had a hard time doing without it when I was young, too. (Sorry if this is TMI.) So, I understand people's desires.
I hope, though, that people would really think about what is actually healthy for themselves. Yes, we hear a lot about "safe sex." We hear about how women need reliable birth control in order to have sex lives which are satisfying and free -- without worry about unplanned pregnancies. And I understand the reasoning behind these ideas.
But, maybe with all the talk about condoms and birth control pills and whether or not we should support the HHS mandate, we are forgetting that sexual health also includes healthy relationships. Relationships that include friendship and true affection. Relationships where people can actually trust and rely on one another. Relationships that include love...
So, yes, I admit I enjoy a good "off-color" joke. There are people who would probably disapprove mightily of some of the things I "favorite" on Twitter. And I understand that not everybody is Catholic or Christian. I understand that nobody wants to get forced into conforming to someone else's ideas of morality. We all have the freedom to choose what we will believe. That is part of the definition of human dignity.
Given that, though, I think most people want to feel valued by their sexual partner. Most people want to feel loved and cherished. Some people deny that these things are important to them. But, I don't quite believe it. I think the people who deny they want love are people who -- somehow, some way, for some (probably painful) reason -- have given up on finding it. And so I think, as a society, we should reflect on this. Condoms and birth control pills can prevent physical events, but they don't do anything for our psyche. And maybe the health of our hearts, minds, and souls is just as important as the health of our genitals.
In conclusion, I am going to mention -- once again -- the TV show "SouthLAnd." (You knew I'd find a way. Tee-hee.) In the current season of this epic series, we see Officer Ben Sherman -- young, handsome, star on the rise in the LAPD -- juggling two women. First, he starts dating a pretty schoolteacher. Things start to get a little serious (a.k.a. she likes him quite a bit). So, what does he do? He goes off and sleeps with this rather wild young lady -- who, in her own right, is lovely and interesting. Why does he do this? It seems that he is rather freaked out at the idea of commitment and, thus, is shooting himself in the foot. Now, Officer Ben has always had a rather wild sex life. This is nothing new. And I often wonder about the trail of antibiotic-resistant bacteria he is leaving in his wake. But, as the show progresses, we see that this footloose and fancy-free sex life does not actually make him happy. And I think this particular aspect of this particular show (as well as the above-mentioned scene in "Angel" and many other themes in current TV, movies, songs, books, etc.) reflects what I have spoken of in this post. There is a lot of sex going on. But, is it really making people happy?
We do have the freedom to choose. And we really always will, no matter what the state of the law. May we have the wisdom to choose that which will actually lead us to happiness.
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