"Ryan. I am a Jewish boy. I don't know if I can be one of the Three Wise Men. Lightning might strike."
"Quiet, Seth. Or we'll miss the directions."
"Look, Ryan. Just because you have a crush on Rebecca does not mean I should be doing this."
"I don't have a crush on Rebecca. She's just a friend. And I'm helping her out. So -- PLEASE -- be QUIET."
Yep. There we were. Seth and I. At the First Berkeley Intercultural Holiday Festival. Where the Jewish kids enacted the Living Nativity Scene; the black kids lit the menorah, spun the dreidel, and cooked latkes; the Christian kids donned Kwanzaa attire; and the atheist kids read aloud from "The Collective Works Of Ted Cruz."
And -- yes -- a girl named Rebecca did have something to do with us being there. But, not because I had a crush on her. Okay. Maybe I had a little crush on her, but that really had nothing to do with it. Besides, she was dating one of the Oakland Raiders. And you just don't mess with that stuff, if you value your health.
This is the thing. We're both architecture majors -- Rebecca and I. And she's great -- really smart, creative, artsy, kind, compassionate, a free-thinker. And beautiful. Yes -- beautiful. And she came up with this idea of the Intercultural Holiday Festival. It's not really associated with the university, per se. But, a lot of the students wanted to participate. And Rebecca asked me if I would design the structure for the Nativity Scene. She wanted it to be a bit avant-garde. So, I designed a stable set into a hillside. And I fashioned it all out of biodegradable/organic/recyclable materials from the university's food service. There really wasn't straw available, of course. But you would be amazed at what you can do with cardboard boxes and a heavy-duty shredder.
Rebecca also asked if Sandy and Kirsten's new baby could play the infant Jesus. "Well, I guess so. Although, she is a girl," I told her.
"Like it matters, Atwood," Rebecca replied. "She's just a few months old. Nobody's gonna notice. And it's not like there's a whole lot of babies to choose from around here."
So, that's how Kirsten ended up showing my friend Sam how to hold a new baby. Sam was playing Joseph, and Rebecca had decided that it was about time to have a Nativity Scene in which Joseph holds the baby.
I know it all sounds a bit ridiculous, a bit disrespectful. As accepting as he is about all things Berkeley, even Sandy had his doubts. But, you know, it all came off beautifully. In spite of the initial chaos, the atmosphere ended up being quite peaceful. And everybody learned something -- about another culture, another faith, another way of looking at the world. And in viewing our differences, we also saw our similarities. We saw the things that bring us together. We realized that everybody has a heart-felt need to be heard, to be cared for, to be loved. We learned that respecting another's beliefs doesn't have to diminish our own -- whether in a family or in a country. Maybe if we respect another's sincere beliefs, that other will respect ours as well. And -- maybe -- that is a way to peace.
As I ate my latke and gazed upon Mary, who was bemusedly watching Joseph try to keep the swaddling clothes from slipping off of a fussy "Baby Jesus" -- sheltered as they were in a "cave" made of dozens upon dozens of industrial-sized egg containers, welded together by compost -- a real feeling of contentment filled me. Until -- UNTIL -- Seth's camel (courtesy of the San Francisco Zoo) decided it was time to gift us with some organic material of its own making.
So -- whistling "Jingle Bells" to myself -- I hustled off to get the shovel.
Happy Holidays!
Showing posts with label The O.C.. Show all posts
Showing posts with label The O.C.. Show all posts
Sunday, December 8, 2013
Monday, November 11, 2013
Creating A World With Cinematography
My oldest daughter has a good friend named Julia Swain; and I am privileged to call Miss Julia my friend, too. She and my daughter met while in college, studying all things media. Julia has worked in media for a long time -- on projects ranging from shorts to television to feature films. She is now enrolled in UCLA's MFA program, with an emphasis in cinematography. And do you know how hard it is to get into that program? It's only the best of the best, baby.
Now, Julia is not only amazing with the camera, but she is a cancer survivor and an all-around kick-ass young woman. A really good woman. A woman of excellent character and a work ethic second-to-none. She is also a lot of fun.
I have had the wondrous good fortune of having Julia shoot projects in my home. Such an amazing time it is when Julia shows up at your door with bags full of camera equipment and her infectious enthusiasm and beautiful smile. She doesn't even complain when I fed her hot dogs for dinner. Craft services -- Marla style. I also had the honor of being an associate producer on one of her films. And I hope to collaborate with Julia on many other future projects.
Julia has even been on the "SouthLAnd" set. I pretty much had to be peeled off the ceiling when I found that out. (And if you have read my blog at all, this does not surprise you in the least.) I don't know if she met any of the show's cast or crew, but I bet if Julia sort of accidentally wandered into the trailer of Mr. Ben McKenzie himself, she would not get in trouble. Not at all. In fact, she would most certainly walk out of that trailer with a deal to work as DP on his next indie film. Such is the impressive nature of Julia. And she would make him look awesome in that indie film. Tall even.
Julia has caused me to think a great deal about the role of the cinematographer in a TV or movie project. I never really thought about this before. In the past, when I thought about cinematography, I thought of the camera operator aiming the camera at the actors and turning it on when the director yells, "Action!" (I wonder if directors actually yell, "Action!" or if that's just a stereotype intended to mislead us naive fans. And after we are misled, the directors probably sit around laughing about how we civilians think they yell, "Action!" Perhaps, instead of yelling out this important directive, they just pronounce the word with great authority.) Anyway, back to cinematography. Nothing to it, I thought. Just know the right button to push and what hole to look through. Boy, was I ignorant and bone-headed. My apologies to you, Julia, and to all of your camera-wielding friends, too. Because what I have discovered, as I have paid more attention to Julia and her work and the work of other cinematographers, is that they know how to use their cameras in such a way as to actually create a world in which the actors bring their characters to life and enact their story. The creation of this world is, of course, a collaborative effort on the part of the many individuals involved in a project. But, the cinematographer has a unique and vital role to play. Her abilities are crucial if the world inhabited by a particular story is to have an authentic, believable feeling.
For instance, a little over a month ago, my daughter Bridget and I were traveling from San Diego to Ojai. En route, we passed the Redondo Beach Pier, where much of the television series "The O.C." was filmed. I know a couple of lovely ladies who are huge fans of that show, but who live much too far away from SoCal to ever have an opportunity to visit the locations. So, Bridget and I decided to stop and take some pictures to send their way. I had never been to the Redondo Beach Pier before, so after I parked the car, Bridget and I began to wander around, looking for sights that seemed familiar from the show. And we discovered much more than we had anticipated. We found the diner -- which we had expected to find. We saw the building that was used as The Bait Shop. We discovered the route in which Ryan famously rides Marissa on the back of his bike, accompanied by Seth on his skate board. We also happened upon, which was a huge surprise, buildings which had served as Sandy Cohen's office and the family planning clinic. We also felt that we recognized other spots on the pier as being used in the show. In short, we found the pier to be a resource of many of the show's locations, but locations which were not necessarily supposed to be near each other in the world of "The O.C."
First off, hat tip to the location scouts in finding this goldmine of a place. We realized that many scenes in various episodes of the show were filmed at the Redondo Beach Pier, which must have simplified the logistics involved in shooting. I suppose several scenes could have been filmed at once at different points on the pier, being that it is an absolutely huge place, assuming the scenes involved different characters. Or, prep for one scene could be done at one part of the pier, while shooting was happening in a different spot. I am just guessing here, though, as my grasp of television production is essentially null. But, what I was struck by was the creative vision of those who were entrusted with finding the locations for "The O.C."
What especially struck me, though, as my daughter and I meandered around the pier, was the talent of the cinematographers who worked on this hit show. I really know nothing about photography, but some things stood out to me. For example, I thought about Ryan, with Marissa on the back of his bike, Seth zooming along beside them on his skateboard. As I looked at the pier, I realized the scene had to be shot in such a way that certain things surrounding the pier wouldn't be visible. The show also had to be shot so that it wouldn't be obvious that the various locations were basically in the same place. The diner, The Bait Shop, Sandy's office, etc., had to seem like part of the same community, but they had to look like they were at least somewhat geographically unique from one another. This would involve careful camera set-up and conscientious attention to what was in each shot, so as not to include background scenery or other visual cues that would give away the fact that these places were physically so close together. Additionally, "The O.C." stands for "Orange County." And the show was supposed to take place in a very affluent area of Orange County known as Newport. But, the Redondo Beach Pier is not anywhere near Newport. In fact, the pier does not exude any sort of air of wealth or privilege. Yet, the cinematography for the show was accomplished in such a way that the relatively lowly locations on the pier were transformed into an upscale and glamorous fictional world -- a very believable upscale and glamorous fictional world.
So, I salute you, Julia. And I salute all of your talented colleagues. Thank-you for applying your talent, your abilities, your time, and your energy in order to perfect your craft -- a craft that enables us viewers to enter into and believe in these amazing worlds you create. These worlds are valuable places -- they educate, inform, entertain, and edify. We would be poorer without them.
Now, Julia is not only amazing with the camera, but she is a cancer survivor and an all-around kick-ass young woman. A really good woman. A woman of excellent character and a work ethic second-to-none. She is also a lot of fun.
I have had the wondrous good fortune of having Julia shoot projects in my home. Such an amazing time it is when Julia shows up at your door with bags full of camera equipment and her infectious enthusiasm and beautiful smile. She doesn't even complain when I fed her hot dogs for dinner. Craft services -- Marla style. I also had the honor of being an associate producer on one of her films. And I hope to collaborate with Julia on many other future projects.
Julia has even been on the "SouthLAnd" set. I pretty much had to be peeled off the ceiling when I found that out. (And if you have read my blog at all, this does not surprise you in the least.) I don't know if she met any of the show's cast or crew, but I bet if Julia sort of accidentally wandered into the trailer of Mr. Ben McKenzie himself, she would not get in trouble. Not at all. In fact, she would most certainly walk out of that trailer with a deal to work as DP on his next indie film. Such is the impressive nature of Julia. And she would make him look awesome in that indie film. Tall even.
Julia has caused me to think a great deal about the role of the cinematographer in a TV or movie project. I never really thought about this before. In the past, when I thought about cinematography, I thought of the camera operator aiming the camera at the actors and turning it on when the director yells, "Action!" (I wonder if directors actually yell, "Action!" or if that's just a stereotype intended to mislead us naive fans. And after we are misled, the directors probably sit around laughing about how we civilians think they yell, "Action!" Perhaps, instead of yelling out this important directive, they just pronounce the word with great authority.) Anyway, back to cinematography. Nothing to it, I thought. Just know the right button to push and what hole to look through. Boy, was I ignorant and bone-headed. My apologies to you, Julia, and to all of your camera-wielding friends, too. Because what I have discovered, as I have paid more attention to Julia and her work and the work of other cinematographers, is that they know how to use their cameras in such a way as to actually create a world in which the actors bring their characters to life and enact their story. The creation of this world is, of course, a collaborative effort on the part of the many individuals involved in a project. But, the cinematographer has a unique and vital role to play. Her abilities are crucial if the world inhabited by a particular story is to have an authentic, believable feeling.
For instance, a little over a month ago, my daughter Bridget and I were traveling from San Diego to Ojai. En route, we passed the Redondo Beach Pier, where much of the television series "The O.C." was filmed. I know a couple of lovely ladies who are huge fans of that show, but who live much too far away from SoCal to ever have an opportunity to visit the locations. So, Bridget and I decided to stop and take some pictures to send their way. I had never been to the Redondo Beach Pier before, so after I parked the car, Bridget and I began to wander around, looking for sights that seemed familiar from the show. And we discovered much more than we had anticipated. We found the diner -- which we had expected to find. We saw the building that was used as The Bait Shop. We discovered the route in which Ryan famously rides Marissa on the back of his bike, accompanied by Seth on his skate board. We also happened upon, which was a huge surprise, buildings which had served as Sandy Cohen's office and the family planning clinic. We also felt that we recognized other spots on the pier as being used in the show. In short, we found the pier to be a resource of many of the show's locations, but locations which were not necessarily supposed to be near each other in the world of "The O.C."
First off, hat tip to the location scouts in finding this goldmine of a place. We realized that many scenes in various episodes of the show were filmed at the Redondo Beach Pier, which must have simplified the logistics involved in shooting. I suppose several scenes could have been filmed at once at different points on the pier, being that it is an absolutely huge place, assuming the scenes involved different characters. Or, prep for one scene could be done at one part of the pier, while shooting was happening in a different spot. I am just guessing here, though, as my grasp of television production is essentially null. But, what I was struck by was the creative vision of those who were entrusted with finding the locations for "The O.C."
What especially struck me, though, as my daughter and I meandered around the pier, was the talent of the cinematographers who worked on this hit show. I really know nothing about photography, but some things stood out to me. For example, I thought about Ryan, with Marissa on the back of his bike, Seth zooming along beside them on his skateboard. As I looked at the pier, I realized the scene had to be shot in such a way that certain things surrounding the pier wouldn't be visible. The show also had to be shot so that it wouldn't be obvious that the various locations were basically in the same place. The diner, The Bait Shop, Sandy's office, etc., had to seem like part of the same community, but they had to look like they were at least somewhat geographically unique from one another. This would involve careful camera set-up and conscientious attention to what was in each shot, so as not to include background scenery or other visual cues that would give away the fact that these places were physically so close together. Additionally, "The O.C." stands for "Orange County." And the show was supposed to take place in a very affluent area of Orange County known as Newport. But, the Redondo Beach Pier is not anywhere near Newport. In fact, the pier does not exude any sort of air of wealth or privilege. Yet, the cinematography for the show was accomplished in such a way that the relatively lowly locations on the pier were transformed into an upscale and glamorous fictional world -- a very believable upscale and glamorous fictional world.
So, I salute you, Julia. And I salute all of your talented colleagues. Thank-you for applying your talent, your abilities, your time, and your energy in order to perfect your craft -- a craft that enables us viewers to enter into and believe in these amazing worlds you create. These worlds are valuable places -- they educate, inform, entertain, and edify. We would be poorer without them.
Thursday, September 26, 2013
An "O.C." Reunion That Might Be Acceptable All-Around
I'm just taking a wild guess about this. But, here goes.
Recently, the TV show "The O.C." (which ran from 2003-2007) celebrated its 10-year anniversary. Of course, I only heard about the thing a little over a year ago, so I don't have that long of a history with it. Some people, though, have loved and adored it from its premiere episode all those years ago right up on to the present day. And many, if not most, of these long-time fans would love to see a reunion. But, there are apparently some problems with this reunion concept, not the least of which is the reluctance of a couple of the main stars of the series to do such a thing. I don't really blame them for this. Life goes on; other appealing and challenging projects present themselves. A reunion may seem a bit like going backwards to something that -- even though it was a wonderful cultural phenomenon -- might be best left to iTunes and DVDs.
On the other hand, I feel a bit bad for these scores of faithful fans. So, I have been wondering about an "O.C." reunion format that might be amenable to those who may be a bit hesitant to participate.
I get the impression that when most people think about a reunion, they think about a continuation of the story. They imagine the original actors reprising their roles, bringing the tale of the Ryan Atwood and Company up-to-date. To my mind, there are difficulties with this concept. The series ended on a very satisfying note, bringing the hope of happiness for each of the beloved characters. Each fan has his/her own idea about the details of what the future will hold for Ryan, Seth, Summer, and everybody else. Of course, we are given some clues, such as a glimpse of Seth and Summer's nuptials. A lot, though, is left to the imagination. And this, to me, is a good thing. If the story were to be continued -- a la Josh Schwartz -- there is a lot of risk. Because of the necessity for tension in stories -- not everything will be happy -- many fans may find themselves being let down. And even if everything ends happily once more, it may not end happily in the manner each die-hard fan has been imagining for the last several years. The show left all of us with many warm, fuzzy feelings and good memories. Introducing controversy into that equation is at least a little bit dangerous.
There is an alternative, though, to this. Instead of continuing the story and requiring Ben McKenzie to once again don his white wife beater, maybe there could be a rather informal gathering of the cast members to reminisce. Each actor could choose favorite scenes to be shown, describing his or her memories and feelings. Anecdotes could be told. There could be a general atmosphere of levity. This would require a minimal financial investment and would not require a great deal (if any) preparation by the actors. Mischa Barton could even participate, even though her character died tragically at the end of Season 3. And I know many people would enjoy that -- seeing "Ryan and Marissa" together again on TV, even though they'd be appearing as their real selves. Perhaps audience members could submit questions -- either in advance or in real time -- via Twitter or some other internet mode. It could be a lot of fun for the fans. It could even be fun for the cast members and Josh Schwartz. No pressure on anybody. Just a celebration of what is -- at least to many people -- one of the biggest television joys of our time.
Recently, the TV show "The O.C." (which ran from 2003-2007) celebrated its 10-year anniversary. Of course, I only heard about the thing a little over a year ago, so I don't have that long of a history with it. Some people, though, have loved and adored it from its premiere episode all those years ago right up on to the present day. And many, if not most, of these long-time fans would love to see a reunion. But, there are apparently some problems with this reunion concept, not the least of which is the reluctance of a couple of the main stars of the series to do such a thing. I don't really blame them for this. Life goes on; other appealing and challenging projects present themselves. A reunion may seem a bit like going backwards to something that -- even though it was a wonderful cultural phenomenon -- might be best left to iTunes and DVDs.
On the other hand, I feel a bit bad for these scores of faithful fans. So, I have been wondering about an "O.C." reunion format that might be amenable to those who may be a bit hesitant to participate.
I get the impression that when most people think about a reunion, they think about a continuation of the story. They imagine the original actors reprising their roles, bringing the tale of the Ryan Atwood and Company up-to-date. To my mind, there are difficulties with this concept. The series ended on a very satisfying note, bringing the hope of happiness for each of the beloved characters. Each fan has his/her own idea about the details of what the future will hold for Ryan, Seth, Summer, and everybody else. Of course, we are given some clues, such as a glimpse of Seth and Summer's nuptials. A lot, though, is left to the imagination. And this, to me, is a good thing. If the story were to be continued -- a la Josh Schwartz -- there is a lot of risk. Because of the necessity for tension in stories -- not everything will be happy -- many fans may find themselves being let down. And even if everything ends happily once more, it may not end happily in the manner each die-hard fan has been imagining for the last several years. The show left all of us with many warm, fuzzy feelings and good memories. Introducing controversy into that equation is at least a little bit dangerous.
There is an alternative, though, to this. Instead of continuing the story and requiring Ben McKenzie to once again don his white wife beater, maybe there could be a rather informal gathering of the cast members to reminisce. Each actor could choose favorite scenes to be shown, describing his or her memories and feelings. Anecdotes could be told. There could be a general atmosphere of levity. This would require a minimal financial investment and would not require a great deal (if any) preparation by the actors. Mischa Barton could even participate, even though her character died tragically at the end of Season 3. And I know many people would enjoy that -- seeing "Ryan and Marissa" together again on TV, even though they'd be appearing as their real selves. Perhaps audience members could submit questions -- either in advance or in real time -- via Twitter or some other internet mode. It could be a lot of fun for the fans. It could even be fun for the cast members and Josh Schwartz. No pressure on anybody. Just a celebration of what is -- at least to many people -- one of the biggest television joys of our time.
Thursday, August 22, 2013
Watching TV With Your Teens And Young Adult Kids -- A Few More Thoughts
Yesterday, I used "The O.C." as an example of how I watch TV with my kids, who are now 24 (almost 25), 23, and 21 years old. The older two are girls. The youngest is a boy.
I tend to get along pretty well with my kids. Sometimes, they think I am too strict. Sometimes, I think they are too strict. Don't go thinking that they don't get on me about stuff. Like, for instance, my cage dancing fantasy.
But, anyway.
When I spoke about watching "The O.C." with my children, I related how I used the characters and happenings in the show as "teachable moments." We would discuss issues the show presented and how the characters handled various situations they encountered. I hoped that these discussions would help my kids to become a little wiser about the ways of the world.
As I thought more about my blog post, I realized I kind of made it sound like I'm always and everywhere trying to teach my kids valuable lessons when we watch TV and movies. Frankly, if that were the case, I don't think my kids would want to watch ANYTHING with me, at all. I would just be a ball and chain around their entertainment-loving young selves.
So, I guess, most of the time, I just sit with my kids and we enjoy television shows and movies together. No comments, no judging, no discussion. Just fun and genuine, spur-of-the-moment reactions to the stories being told. Maybe some snacks thrown in. I mean, after all, my kids are older now. If they don't know the values I wanted them to grow up with by this time, I have pretty much failed. Although, I also took this more silent approach -- at least most of the time -- when they were teenagers. And I think it has value.
Why do I think it has value?
People are a generally rebellious lot. We don't like to get told what to do so very much. We like to make up our own minds. And, frankly, most kids know what their parents' opinions are by the time they are teenagers. That's why, when you see them rebelling, they are doing the opposite of what their parents would suggest. They have obviously figured out their parents way of thinking. And they are testing that way of thinking.
As you may know by now (ha-ha), I am a rather rebellious person. But -- and this may surprise you -- I never engaged in any so-called "high-risk" behaviors as a teen or young adult. Why? Certainly not because of my own common sense. I attribute this to my parents -- especially my dad -- who knew how to tread gently. He knew not to back me into a corner. This doesn't mean we didn't have some pretty "spirited discussions" -- a.k.a. "fights." But, in the end, my dad would look at me calmly and say, "Well, it's your life. Do what you want." Then, most of the time, whatever common sense I did possess would kick in and I would realize that I didn't want to do whatever that lame-ass thing was that I had been so vehemently demanding to do a few minutes before. Why didn't I want to do it? Because there was no more contest of wills going on. I didn't have to do that lame-ass thing in order to prove to my father that I couldn't be forced into things, by him or anyone else.
And that brings me back to the idea of just watching TV shows and movies with my kids with no commentary, simply with the goal of enjoying (or, perhaps, being shocked or terrified by) a story. Especially if it is a television program or movie of their choosing. I'm not going to turn this form of entertainment into an opportunity for rebellion. I am, rather, going to use it as an opportunity for bonding. After all, having a good time together watching Sammy and Ben run around is one ingredient that can lead to a very positive mother-daughter relationship. At least, in my experience. SouthLAnd. Forever. ;-)
Disclaimer: I am assuming, of course, that your kids aren't bringing home "films" from the Adult Store. That is a whole different issue.
I tend to get along pretty well with my kids. Sometimes, they think I am too strict. Sometimes, I think they are too strict. Don't go thinking that they don't get on me about stuff. Like, for instance, my cage dancing fantasy.
But, anyway.
When I spoke about watching "The O.C." with my children, I related how I used the characters and happenings in the show as "teachable moments." We would discuss issues the show presented and how the characters handled various situations they encountered. I hoped that these discussions would help my kids to become a little wiser about the ways of the world.
As I thought more about my blog post, I realized I kind of made it sound like I'm always and everywhere trying to teach my kids valuable lessons when we watch TV and movies. Frankly, if that were the case, I don't think my kids would want to watch ANYTHING with me, at all. I would just be a ball and chain around their entertainment-loving young selves.
So, I guess, most of the time, I just sit with my kids and we enjoy television shows and movies together. No comments, no judging, no discussion. Just fun and genuine, spur-of-the-moment reactions to the stories being told. Maybe some snacks thrown in. I mean, after all, my kids are older now. If they don't know the values I wanted them to grow up with by this time, I have pretty much failed. Although, I also took this more silent approach -- at least most of the time -- when they were teenagers. And I think it has value.
Why do I think it has value?
People are a generally rebellious lot. We don't like to get told what to do so very much. We like to make up our own minds. And, frankly, most kids know what their parents' opinions are by the time they are teenagers. That's why, when you see them rebelling, they are doing the opposite of what their parents would suggest. They have obviously figured out their parents way of thinking. And they are testing that way of thinking.
As you may know by now (ha-ha), I am a rather rebellious person. But -- and this may surprise you -- I never engaged in any so-called "high-risk" behaviors as a teen or young adult. Why? Certainly not because of my own common sense. I attribute this to my parents -- especially my dad -- who knew how to tread gently. He knew not to back me into a corner. This doesn't mean we didn't have some pretty "spirited discussions" -- a.k.a. "fights." But, in the end, my dad would look at me calmly and say, "Well, it's your life. Do what you want." Then, most of the time, whatever common sense I did possess would kick in and I would realize that I didn't want to do whatever that lame-ass thing was that I had been so vehemently demanding to do a few minutes before. Why didn't I want to do it? Because there was no more contest of wills going on. I didn't have to do that lame-ass thing in order to prove to my father that I couldn't be forced into things, by him or anyone else.
And that brings me back to the idea of just watching TV shows and movies with my kids with no commentary, simply with the goal of enjoying (or, perhaps, being shocked or terrified by) a story. Especially if it is a television program or movie of their choosing. I'm not going to turn this form of entertainment into an opportunity for rebellion. I am, rather, going to use it as an opportunity for bonding. After all, having a good time together watching Sammy and Ben run around is one ingredient that can lead to a very positive mother-daughter relationship. At least, in my experience. SouthLAnd. Forever. ;-)
Disclaimer: I am assuming, of course, that your kids aren't bringing home "films" from the Adult Store. That is a whole different issue.
Wednesday, August 21, 2013
The O.C. -- A Case Study In Watching TV With Young People
This post is related to my last post, which was a rather long, boring, and preachy post. Maybe this one will be more fun, while also serving as an example of what I was talking about in my last rather long, boring, and preachy post. Maybe it will serve as a bit of a clarification, if you will.
Some of you reading this may have never heard of the TV show entitled "The O.C." It was enormously popular from 2003-2007. In spite of its enormous popularity, the first time I heard about it was last spring when I was engrossed in watching another TV show -- "SouthLAnd" -- which I also didn't hear about until late in the game, as in the middle of Season 4. "SouthLAnd" has an amazingly talented ensemble cast. I had seen most of the principal actors from "SouthLAnd" in other TV shows and movies, with the exception of one, whose name is Ben McKenzie. So, being that I had never heard of him, I decided to look up his IMdB to see if he had done any other work. Lo and behold, he had done a lot of other work, including a TV show called "The O.C." I googled "The O.C." and discovered that it had been quite a hit. It was billed as a teen soap opera, which normally I don't watch, but because Mr. McKenzie had impressed me so much with his work on "SouthLAnd," I decided to give it a try. So, I ordered the DVD's and proceeded to watch it, along with my two daughters, who are in their early 20's. They, too, had never before heard of or seen "The O.C." They had, though, been wrangled (by me) into watching "SouthLAnd."
"The O.C." is the tale of a young man from the "wrong side of the tracks" named Ryan Atwood (Ben McKenzie), who -- through the actions of Providence and some extremely creative storytellers -- ends up being adopted into a wealthy family in Orange County, California. Admittedly, "The O.C." has many soap-opera elements to it. What drew me into the story, though, is its touching portrayal of such things as family life, friendship, forgiveness, and hope. The writing is also clever and sprinkled with ample bits of humor. And Mr. McKenzie does an absolutely superb job of making his character relatable. Ryan -- from the very first scene of the very first episode -- is someone for whom you deeply care, someone for whom you want only the best. He is also damn hot. He wears white wife beaters, which show off the fact that Mr. McKenzie probably works out constantly. He sports uber-cool leather accessories, and his expressive face and off-putting manner caused my younger daughter to wonder "if Ben got away with lots of things while he was growing up." So, of course, since Ryan Atwood is the way Ryan Atwood is, there are going to be sexual situations.
As a parent, I had a couple of alternatives. I could decide that we were not going to watch this show in my house, with all its "objectionable" content. Or, I could decide to take advantage of all the teachable moments it presented. If I chose the first alternative, we would have missed out on what turned out to be an absolutely delightful story. I would have also annoyed my daughters. And I wanted to watch the show myself, so there's that. Therefore, I chose the second option. I didn't turn out lecture after lecture on sexual morality for my kids, based on "The O.C." But, I did use situations presented in the show and the questions my kids had as an opportunities for the tossing about of ideas.
Here is an example:
Bridget and I were at a Mexican restaurant one night, having a little mom-daughter dinner, because the rest of the family was otherwise engaged. She said to me, "What would you say if I brought Ryan Atwood home?"
I laughed and replied, "I would high-five you and shout, 'Score!!!'" I then said, "I have never, in all my life, known a guy like Ryan Atwood. And I have known a fair number of guys. But, if you did happen to find him, there are a lot of good things about Ryan. He's a good person. He's good to people. He's kind. He works hard. And, yeah, who doesn't want a hot boyfriend?" But, I also told her, "I wouldn't go locking yourself in any pool house with him, though. The chances of ending up pregnant would be pretty high. And even if you didn't end up getting pregnant, if you slept with him and then broke up, it would break your heart even more than it would if you hadn't slept with him. That's been my experience in life, anyway." To throw some good humor into the whole thing, I ended with, "If you did hang out in the pool house with him, I'd make you keep all the blinds open. And I'd walk back and forth every five minutes and wave at you guys."
What were my goals in this conversation? I wanted Bridget to know that I perfectly understand the appeal of Ryan Atwood. He's great. But, I wanted to sort the fantasy from the reality. I also wanted her to know that I am -- always -- on her side. I wanted to speak to her in a way that let her know that she can come to me with anything, any time. And I wanted her to know that I have a sense of humor and a sense of fun about things youthfully romantic. After all, it's just a plain old good time talking with and laughing with a daughter about "The O.C."
Some of you reading this may have never heard of the TV show entitled "The O.C." It was enormously popular from 2003-2007. In spite of its enormous popularity, the first time I heard about it was last spring when I was engrossed in watching another TV show -- "SouthLAnd" -- which I also didn't hear about until late in the game, as in the middle of Season 4. "SouthLAnd" has an amazingly talented ensemble cast. I had seen most of the principal actors from "SouthLAnd" in other TV shows and movies, with the exception of one, whose name is Ben McKenzie. So, being that I had never heard of him, I decided to look up his IMdB to see if he had done any other work. Lo and behold, he had done a lot of other work, including a TV show called "The O.C." I googled "The O.C." and discovered that it had been quite a hit. It was billed as a teen soap opera, which normally I don't watch, but because Mr. McKenzie had impressed me so much with his work on "SouthLAnd," I decided to give it a try. So, I ordered the DVD's and proceeded to watch it, along with my two daughters, who are in their early 20's. They, too, had never before heard of or seen "The O.C." They had, though, been wrangled (by me) into watching "SouthLAnd."
"The O.C." is the tale of a young man from the "wrong side of the tracks" named Ryan Atwood (Ben McKenzie), who -- through the actions of Providence and some extremely creative storytellers -- ends up being adopted into a wealthy family in Orange County, California. Admittedly, "The O.C." has many soap-opera elements to it. What drew me into the story, though, is its touching portrayal of such things as family life, friendship, forgiveness, and hope. The writing is also clever and sprinkled with ample bits of humor. And Mr. McKenzie does an absolutely superb job of making his character relatable. Ryan -- from the very first scene of the very first episode -- is someone for whom you deeply care, someone for whom you want only the best. He is also damn hot. He wears white wife beaters, which show off the fact that Mr. McKenzie probably works out constantly. He sports uber-cool leather accessories, and his expressive face and off-putting manner caused my younger daughter to wonder "if Ben got away with lots of things while he was growing up." So, of course, since Ryan Atwood is the way Ryan Atwood is, there are going to be sexual situations.
As a parent, I had a couple of alternatives. I could decide that we were not going to watch this show in my house, with all its "objectionable" content. Or, I could decide to take advantage of all the teachable moments it presented. If I chose the first alternative, we would have missed out on what turned out to be an absolutely delightful story. I would have also annoyed my daughters. And I wanted to watch the show myself, so there's that. Therefore, I chose the second option. I didn't turn out lecture after lecture on sexual morality for my kids, based on "The O.C." But, I did use situations presented in the show and the questions my kids had as an opportunities for the tossing about of ideas.
Here is an example:
Bridget and I were at a Mexican restaurant one night, having a little mom-daughter dinner, because the rest of the family was otherwise engaged. She said to me, "What would you say if I brought Ryan Atwood home?"
I laughed and replied, "I would high-five you and shout, 'Score!!!'" I then said, "I have never, in all my life, known a guy like Ryan Atwood. And I have known a fair number of guys. But, if you did happen to find him, there are a lot of good things about Ryan. He's a good person. He's good to people. He's kind. He works hard. And, yeah, who doesn't want a hot boyfriend?" But, I also told her, "I wouldn't go locking yourself in any pool house with him, though. The chances of ending up pregnant would be pretty high. And even if you didn't end up getting pregnant, if you slept with him and then broke up, it would break your heart even more than it would if you hadn't slept with him. That's been my experience in life, anyway." To throw some good humor into the whole thing, I ended with, "If you did hang out in the pool house with him, I'd make you keep all the blinds open. And I'd walk back and forth every five minutes and wave at you guys."
What were my goals in this conversation? I wanted Bridget to know that I perfectly understand the appeal of Ryan Atwood. He's great. But, I wanted to sort the fantasy from the reality. I also wanted her to know that I am -- always -- on her side. I wanted to speak to her in a way that let her know that she can come to me with anything, any time. And I wanted her to know that I have a sense of humor and a sense of fun about things youthfully romantic. After all, it's just a plain old good time talking with and laughing with a daughter about "The O.C."
Sunday, July 28, 2013
"The O.C." -- The Chrismukkah Shopping Babysitting Job
*A Little Fan Fiction For A Sunday Evening*
It seemed fair enough. Sandy and Kirsten needed to go Chrismukkah shopping. Besides, they hadn't gone out together alone since Sophie was born several months ago. Not that they were complaining. They are totally over the moon with that baby. And living in Berkeley allows Kirsten to be the kind of mom she's always really wanted to be. A Birkenstock-clad, cotton-skirt-wearing, quinoa-eating, nursing machine. Don't get me wrong, though. It looks good on her. Beautiful, in fact. I have never seen her looking so lovely. And simply happy.
But, the Chrismukkah shopping did need to be done. And I was finished with my finals. "So," I thought to myself, "why not offer to babysit?"
So, there I was. Me, a beautiful little blonde baby girl, and a bottle of breast milk. I was trying -- very, very hard -- not to think about where the cream colored liquid in that bottle came from. And the baby girl? Was unhappy. Noisily and loudly unhappy. She was not being fooled by the silicone nipple on that plastic bottle. Not at all. Smart girl.
"Yes," I thought to myself. "You should have spent more weekends at the house. Then your baby sister would know you a little better. You could have practiced holding her, getting familiar with all her favorite positions. Maybe Kirsten would even have let you give her the occasional bottle of breast milk." But, of course, I had gotten wrapped up in my studies. And my new social life. I had neglected my family a bit, along with my little sister. And my sister was now letting me know, in no uncertain terms, that she didn't appreciate my neglect.
So, I put down the bottle and I took a deep breath and I cradled the baby in my arms the way I had seen (on the rare occasions I was home) Sandy do it, with her head nestled in the crook of my left elbow and my right arm supporting her body. I held her close to my chest and took deep, calm breaths. She was still crying, but seemed to be relaxing a bit. I walked over to the window, looking out at the twinkling holiday lights decorating the neighborhood on this cold night, and I rocked little Sophie back and forth. I looked at her little face, and into her blue eyes. And I thought about all the Chrismukkahs before this one. Special times that always did seem to bring miracles, in spite of my usually dubious attitude. "You should never doubt Moses and Jesus," Seth would remind me. Moses and Jesus -- the world's original superheroes. And as I looked into my little sister's eyes, I couldn't help but think of the little brother that I would soon be seeing. My little half-brother. Marissa's little half-brother. He would be visiting for the holiday, along with all the people I have come to call my family. A family I know will never leave me. Miracles added upon miracles.
Sophie was now quiet, but very alert, looking back into my eyes as I gazed into hers. "Are you hungry, little one?" I asked her. It's funny, isn't it, the way you talk to babies like they'll answer you? I guess they do, in their own way. Retrieving the bottle from the place where I had left it, I put it to Sophie's lips and she started to drink, never taking her eyes off my face. It was a feeling that I had never had before -- her warm little body, wrapped in soft flannel, hungrily drinking her mother's milk. And she polished off the whole thing in no time flat. A true Cohen.
I then proceeded to the next step. Burping her. I placed a cloth diaper that had been left on the dining room table for this purpose over my left shoulder and lifted Sophie up to that shoulder, the way I had seen Sandy do it. I could feel her soft hair against my neck and cheek as I gently patted her back. And then, it happened. She burped, all right. She burped with such great force that Kirsten's beautiful white easy chair -- which was about three feet behind me -- was fairly soaked with liquid.
For a moment, I was a bit panic-stricken. But, then I just had to laugh. I held the little girlie gently out in front of me, so I could see her face. I have to say she looked quite self-satisfied. "Happy with yourself, are you?" I chided gently.
Deciding to ignore the mess on the easy chair in favor of not losing any of this rare and special time with my sister, I carried her into her room, and sat down with her in the rocking chair that Kirsten kept in there. An antique wooden rocking chair, carved with beautiful, intricate designs, and covered with soft hand-made cushions. The moonlight was coming in through the window. A window silhouetted by delicate lace curtains. I rocked Sophie on my shoulder until I could tell by her deep, even breaths that she was asleep. And then I rocked her some more. I rocked her until Sandy and Kirsten came home.
And when they did come home, I didn't mention the mess on the easy chair. I simply didn't want to ruin the moment. And I figured they'd find it for themselves, easily enough, the next day. Besides, Seth was coming home the next day. He's always had a talent with upholstery cleaner.
It seemed fair enough. Sandy and Kirsten needed to go Chrismukkah shopping. Besides, they hadn't gone out together alone since Sophie was born several months ago. Not that they were complaining. They are totally over the moon with that baby. And living in Berkeley allows Kirsten to be the kind of mom she's always really wanted to be. A Birkenstock-clad, cotton-skirt-wearing, quinoa-eating, nursing machine. Don't get me wrong, though. It looks good on her. Beautiful, in fact. I have never seen her looking so lovely. And simply happy.
But, the Chrismukkah shopping did need to be done. And I was finished with my finals. "So," I thought to myself, "why not offer to babysit?"
So, there I was. Me, a beautiful little blonde baby girl, and a bottle of breast milk. I was trying -- very, very hard -- not to think about where the cream colored liquid in that bottle came from. And the baby girl? Was unhappy. Noisily and loudly unhappy. She was not being fooled by the silicone nipple on that plastic bottle. Not at all. Smart girl.
"Yes," I thought to myself. "You should have spent more weekends at the house. Then your baby sister would know you a little better. You could have practiced holding her, getting familiar with all her favorite positions. Maybe Kirsten would even have let you give her the occasional bottle of breast milk." But, of course, I had gotten wrapped up in my studies. And my new social life. I had neglected my family a bit, along with my little sister. And my sister was now letting me know, in no uncertain terms, that she didn't appreciate my neglect.
So, I put down the bottle and I took a deep breath and I cradled the baby in my arms the way I had seen (on the rare occasions I was home) Sandy do it, with her head nestled in the crook of my left elbow and my right arm supporting her body. I held her close to my chest and took deep, calm breaths. She was still crying, but seemed to be relaxing a bit. I walked over to the window, looking out at the twinkling holiday lights decorating the neighborhood on this cold night, and I rocked little Sophie back and forth. I looked at her little face, and into her blue eyes. And I thought about all the Chrismukkahs before this one. Special times that always did seem to bring miracles, in spite of my usually dubious attitude. "You should never doubt Moses and Jesus," Seth would remind me. Moses and Jesus -- the world's original superheroes. And as I looked into my little sister's eyes, I couldn't help but think of the little brother that I would soon be seeing. My little half-brother. Marissa's little half-brother. He would be visiting for the holiday, along with all the people I have come to call my family. A family I know will never leave me. Miracles added upon miracles.
Sophie was now quiet, but very alert, looking back into my eyes as I gazed into hers. "Are you hungry, little one?" I asked her. It's funny, isn't it, the way you talk to babies like they'll answer you? I guess they do, in their own way. Retrieving the bottle from the place where I had left it, I put it to Sophie's lips and she started to drink, never taking her eyes off my face. It was a feeling that I had never had before -- her warm little body, wrapped in soft flannel, hungrily drinking her mother's milk. And she polished off the whole thing in no time flat. A true Cohen.
I then proceeded to the next step. Burping her. I placed a cloth diaper that had been left on the dining room table for this purpose over my left shoulder and lifted Sophie up to that shoulder, the way I had seen Sandy do it. I could feel her soft hair against my neck and cheek as I gently patted her back. And then, it happened. She burped, all right. She burped with such great force that Kirsten's beautiful white easy chair -- which was about three feet behind me -- was fairly soaked with liquid.
For a moment, I was a bit panic-stricken. But, then I just had to laugh. I held the little girlie gently out in front of me, so I could see her face. I have to say she looked quite self-satisfied. "Happy with yourself, are you?" I chided gently.
Deciding to ignore the mess on the easy chair in favor of not losing any of this rare and special time with my sister, I carried her into her room, and sat down with her in the rocking chair that Kirsten kept in there. An antique wooden rocking chair, carved with beautiful, intricate designs, and covered with soft hand-made cushions. The moonlight was coming in through the window. A window silhouetted by delicate lace curtains. I rocked Sophie on my shoulder until I could tell by her deep, even breaths that she was asleep. And then I rocked her some more. I rocked her until Sandy and Kirsten came home.
And when they did come home, I didn't mention the mess on the easy chair. I simply didn't want to ruin the moment. And I figured they'd find it for themselves, easily enough, the next day. Besides, Seth was coming home the next day. He's always had a talent with upholstery cleaner.
Thursday, July 11, 2013
The Having Of Teenagers -- Part 2
I know my last post on this topic of having teenagers was a bit rambling, but I just had to figure out a way to tell and comment on that story about the kid and his coffee cake wishes.
This post will probably be a bit briefer and more to the point. Maybe.
First of all, people living with other people is always problematic. Because people are problematic. There are times when I think it would be lovely to have my own studio apartment with a murphy bed and shiny hardwood floors. There would be nothing in it except the bare essentials and my Mac. And I think we all wish this sort of thing from time to time. Do we actually want it to happen? Nah. It's just that people living with people has its stresses, as well as its rewards, no matter how much you love each other.
And so it is if you have teenagers. It's going to get stressful. But, it can also be a lot of fun.
How can we make it fun?
It starts when they're little, as I said before. Have fun together, enjoy life together, but make it clear that you are in charge. If you say something, it goes. It doesn't have to be a fight. You can be friendly about it.
For example, if you are in the park and it's time to go home:
Mom: You have five more minutes to do what you want to do and then it's time to go home.
*Five Minutes Pass (Or ten. When they are three, they really have no idea.)*
Mom: (in a friendly, yet firm, voice) We are leaving now.
Children: (whining) Can't we stay just five more minutes!?!?!? Pleeeeease!?!?!?
Mom: (calmly walking over, picking up the youngest child, fully expecting the others to follow) We are leaving now.
If you do this, each and every time, it will work. I think. You just have to be consistent. And calm. And firm.
And if you start this with your toddlers and your pre-schoolers, things will probably progress rather smoothly as your children head toward adolescence.
Then, one day, your adolescent child (especially if said child is a girl) will roll her eyes at you when you ask her to do something quite reasonable. Do not lose your temper. Just smile mischievously and take her picture with your iPhone. I actually did this (though not with an iPhone, as they weren't invented yet) and my daughter started to laugh. Calmly re-assert what you want your child to do and expect that she will do it. Of course, before you make your request, you have to take your child's personality and state-of-mind and mood into consideration. Don't set yourself up for failure. Set yourself up for success. It is best to make requests of your child when she is not feeling exhausted and overwhelmed with life. Because -- let's face it -- teens these days do have a lot of pressure. One mother told me that her child was told to take the SAT at least three times and to fill out a minimum of ten college applications. No wonder so many of them are on anti-depressants (the moms and the teens). So, start by making small, reasonable requests when your child is in a good mood and not in the middle of a term paper. That way, she will get used to cooperating with you in a pleasant way.
In this vein, do not ever fight with your teenagers. Don't get into shouting matches. Don't threaten. Just don't do it. You will lose. Every time. They have way more energy than you do. They can come up with clever plans to get around you. They have friends who will collude with them against you. Even if they are homeschooled.
How to not fight?
Firstly, listen to your teen without judging. Kids like to tell you things, even when they are teens and young adults, if you don't judge them and what they're saying. So, if your teen is telling you her opinion that short hair on guys is better than long hair on guys -- which is a totally screwed up opinion, in my opinion -- it is best just to listen. Or if your son is telling you that if he doesn't get into college, he has figured out a way to live independently on minimum wage, just hear him out. My husband once said to me something like this, "The kids tell you all kinds of crazy things, and you don't say anything." "Well," I replied, "they will eventually figure out most of these things for themselves."
Does this mean you should never say anything? Of course not. My Bridget and I have had many discussions about the hair of Thor versus the hair of Captain America. But, this is the thing. You have to gauge the state-of-mind of your child when she starts talking. Is it time to have a mutual discussion or to just be a listening ear? If in doubt, go with the listening ear.
Secondly, do not micromanage your teens. Nobody likes to be micromanaged. Keep your expectations simple and basic, such as: have good personal hygiene, pass your classes, speak politely to your parents and siblings, don't date douche-bags, no sex, no illegal drugs, drive in a legal manner. Keep your requests reasonable, too. For example, I have always thought a strict curfew was lame. But, on the other hand, I had to know where my kids were going, with whom, and by when they would be home. The time I expected them to arrive home depended on the activity. And I expected them to call if their plans changed or they were going to be late. And if they gave me a bad time about these reasonable things, I would calmly explain how they were reasonable things and what could happen if they did not do them. These kinds of discussions evolved over time -- starting from when they were in grade school -- so, my expectations were no big shock when they became teenagers. (Confession: Even now, even though they are in their 20's, these rules still apply. They will apply until my kids get places of their own. Because I cannot sleep if I don't know where they are. I start imagining them being kidnapped. Yes, this is idiotic. But, it's the way it is and the price for living at home with a mother who gets slightly anxious even though she tries not to. Did I say "slightly?" My kids would probably laugh at my use of that word. They are patient with me, though. Most of the time, anyway.)
Thirdly, and probably most important, enjoy your teens and let them see that you are a "cool" person. By "cool," I don't mean that you have to take Metal Class on Mondays (like Chris Bruno) -- although that is very cool. You don't have to act like a teen yourself, because -- frankly -- that will just embarrass your teens. But, be the kind of parent whose teenagers will enjoy having their friends over to your house. My kids have lots of parties with their friends at my house -- even though they aren't teens, anymore. And their friends seem to enjoy coming over here. Probably because we let them drink beer (now that they are of age). We even buy their friends beer sometimes. And, sometimes, their friends buy the beer. They even let my husband and I attend the parties and have some beer, too. Let me say, though, that nobody -- EVER -- gets drunk. That would quickly end the parties, and my kids know it.
I guess I have digressed a bit -- in talking about beer parties -- from the topic of teenagers. For whom you should never, ever buy beer.
And while we are on the topic of enjoying your teens -- now that I am done digressing -- maybe it is worth it to discuss the issue of TV and movies. These things often cause conflict among parents and teens. For example, Mom might want to watch "Magic Mike" and her kids might think it is inappropriate. Well, Mom, it is time to assert your parental authority here. Or Mom might want to watch "SouthLAnd" and her kids might think it is too violent. Again, time to assert the parental authority, and -- if your teen is female -- point out the hotness of Ben McKenzie, thus luring her in and making her your "SouthLAnd" buddy. My point being? If you don't act all judgmental about your kids' TV shows and movies, they won't act all judgmental about yours. And if you want your kids to watch your stuff with you, it is important that you watch their stuff with them. And then talk about their stuff with them in a friendly, non-threatening way. Here are some possible discussion questions that you can use when discussing TV shows and movies with your kids:
1. How come the Rules For Being A Vampire are different in each vampire show?
2. How come it is taking Charlie so damn long to propose to Amita?
3. How come some actors don't mind showing us their bums and some do?
4. Do you think this role is more or less likely to cause the paparazzi to show up at Shawn Hatosy's house?
5. How do you like the way the abortion issue is handled by the writers of "The O.C."?
6. How many sexually transmitted diseases do you suppose Ben Sherman has?
7. When did Neil Patrick Harris suddenly become hot?
8. Who is Channing Tatum?
9. What do you suppose would happen if you spent hours upon hours locked up in a pool house alone with Ryan Atwood? Would this be good sense?
10. Did Sammy steal the money from the bank robbery? If he did, is that actually such a bad thing?
11. Is the guy who plays Jim in "The Office" more or less of a douche in real life than the guy who plays Dwight?
12. Was Joss Whedon's "Much Ado About Nothing" the most rockin' thing you ever saw, or what?
13. What was your favorite scene in Joss Whedon's "Much Ado About Nothing"?
14. How is Hollywood's representation of gay characters, of sexuality, of women's rights the same as, or different from, what others in the homeschool community might have you believe?
15. Should they have killed off Marissa or let her and Ryan live happily-ever-after? How did the killing off of Marissa affect your opinion of how Hollywood might affect the souls of young actors?
So, I guess we have now discovered whether or not I would be briefer and more to the point today.
Definitely not.
I hope, though, that you have been entertained by this post. At least a little bit. And I hope that, perhaps, you have gotten something out of it that is helpful to you, or will someday be helpful to you.
And I want you to know that I really appreciate the time you have taken to read my meandering ramblings. ;-)
This post will probably be a bit briefer and more to the point. Maybe.
First of all, people living with other people is always problematic. Because people are problematic. There are times when I think it would be lovely to have my own studio apartment with a murphy bed and shiny hardwood floors. There would be nothing in it except the bare essentials and my Mac. And I think we all wish this sort of thing from time to time. Do we actually want it to happen? Nah. It's just that people living with people has its stresses, as well as its rewards, no matter how much you love each other.
And so it is if you have teenagers. It's going to get stressful. But, it can also be a lot of fun.
How can we make it fun?
It starts when they're little, as I said before. Have fun together, enjoy life together, but make it clear that you are in charge. If you say something, it goes. It doesn't have to be a fight. You can be friendly about it.
For example, if you are in the park and it's time to go home:
Mom: You have five more minutes to do what you want to do and then it's time to go home.
*Five Minutes Pass (Or ten. When they are three, they really have no idea.)*
Mom: (in a friendly, yet firm, voice) We are leaving now.
Children: (whining) Can't we stay just five more minutes!?!?!? Pleeeeease!?!?!?
Mom: (calmly walking over, picking up the youngest child, fully expecting the others to follow) We are leaving now.
If you do this, each and every time, it will work. I think. You just have to be consistent. And calm. And firm.
And if you start this with your toddlers and your pre-schoolers, things will probably progress rather smoothly as your children head toward adolescence.
Then, one day, your adolescent child (especially if said child is a girl) will roll her eyes at you when you ask her to do something quite reasonable. Do not lose your temper. Just smile mischievously and take her picture with your iPhone. I actually did this (though not with an iPhone, as they weren't invented yet) and my daughter started to laugh. Calmly re-assert what you want your child to do and expect that she will do it. Of course, before you make your request, you have to take your child's personality and state-of-mind and mood into consideration. Don't set yourself up for failure. Set yourself up for success. It is best to make requests of your child when she is not feeling exhausted and overwhelmed with life. Because -- let's face it -- teens these days do have a lot of pressure. One mother told me that her child was told to take the SAT at least three times and to fill out a minimum of ten college applications. No wonder so many of them are on anti-depressants (the moms and the teens). So, start by making small, reasonable requests when your child is in a good mood and not in the middle of a term paper. That way, she will get used to cooperating with you in a pleasant way.
In this vein, do not ever fight with your teenagers. Don't get into shouting matches. Don't threaten. Just don't do it. You will lose. Every time. They have way more energy than you do. They can come up with clever plans to get around you. They have friends who will collude with them against you. Even if they are homeschooled.
How to not fight?
Firstly, listen to your teen without judging. Kids like to tell you things, even when they are teens and young adults, if you don't judge them and what they're saying. So, if your teen is telling you her opinion that short hair on guys is better than long hair on guys -- which is a totally screwed up opinion, in my opinion -- it is best just to listen. Or if your son is telling you that if he doesn't get into college, he has figured out a way to live independently on minimum wage, just hear him out. My husband once said to me something like this, "The kids tell you all kinds of crazy things, and you don't say anything." "Well," I replied, "they will eventually figure out most of these things for themselves."
Does this mean you should never say anything? Of course not. My Bridget and I have had many discussions about the hair of Thor versus the hair of Captain America. But, this is the thing. You have to gauge the state-of-mind of your child when she starts talking. Is it time to have a mutual discussion or to just be a listening ear? If in doubt, go with the listening ear.
Secondly, do not micromanage your teens. Nobody likes to be micromanaged. Keep your expectations simple and basic, such as: have good personal hygiene, pass your classes, speak politely to your parents and siblings, don't date douche-bags, no sex, no illegal drugs, drive in a legal manner. Keep your requests reasonable, too. For example, I have always thought a strict curfew was lame. But, on the other hand, I had to know where my kids were going, with whom, and by when they would be home. The time I expected them to arrive home depended on the activity. And I expected them to call if their plans changed or they were going to be late. And if they gave me a bad time about these reasonable things, I would calmly explain how they were reasonable things and what could happen if they did not do them. These kinds of discussions evolved over time -- starting from when they were in grade school -- so, my expectations were no big shock when they became teenagers. (Confession: Even now, even though they are in their 20's, these rules still apply. They will apply until my kids get places of their own. Because I cannot sleep if I don't know where they are. I start imagining them being kidnapped. Yes, this is idiotic. But, it's the way it is and the price for living at home with a mother who gets slightly anxious even though she tries not to. Did I say "slightly?" My kids would probably laugh at my use of that word. They are patient with me, though. Most of the time, anyway.)
Thirdly, and probably most important, enjoy your teens and let them see that you are a "cool" person. By "cool," I don't mean that you have to take Metal Class on Mondays (like Chris Bruno) -- although that is very cool. You don't have to act like a teen yourself, because -- frankly -- that will just embarrass your teens. But, be the kind of parent whose teenagers will enjoy having their friends over to your house. My kids have lots of parties with their friends at my house -- even though they aren't teens, anymore. And their friends seem to enjoy coming over here. Probably because we let them drink beer (now that they are of age). We even buy their friends beer sometimes. And, sometimes, their friends buy the beer. They even let my husband and I attend the parties and have some beer, too. Let me say, though, that nobody -- EVER -- gets drunk. That would quickly end the parties, and my kids know it.
I guess I have digressed a bit -- in talking about beer parties -- from the topic of teenagers. For whom you should never, ever buy beer.
And while we are on the topic of enjoying your teens -- now that I am done digressing -- maybe it is worth it to discuss the issue of TV and movies. These things often cause conflict among parents and teens. For example, Mom might want to watch "Magic Mike" and her kids might think it is inappropriate. Well, Mom, it is time to assert your parental authority here. Or Mom might want to watch "SouthLAnd" and her kids might think it is too violent. Again, time to assert the parental authority, and -- if your teen is female -- point out the hotness of Ben McKenzie, thus luring her in and making her your "SouthLAnd" buddy. My point being? If you don't act all judgmental about your kids' TV shows and movies, they won't act all judgmental about yours. And if you want your kids to watch your stuff with you, it is important that you watch their stuff with them. And then talk about their stuff with them in a friendly, non-threatening way. Here are some possible discussion questions that you can use when discussing TV shows and movies with your kids:
1. How come the Rules For Being A Vampire are different in each vampire show?
2. How come it is taking Charlie so damn long to propose to Amita?
3. How come some actors don't mind showing us their bums and some do?
4. Do you think this role is more or less likely to cause the paparazzi to show up at Shawn Hatosy's house?
5. How do you like the way the abortion issue is handled by the writers of "The O.C."?
6. How many sexually transmitted diseases do you suppose Ben Sherman has?
7. When did Neil Patrick Harris suddenly become hot?
8. Who is Channing Tatum?
9. What do you suppose would happen if you spent hours upon hours locked up in a pool house alone with Ryan Atwood? Would this be good sense?
10. Did Sammy steal the money from the bank robbery? If he did, is that actually such a bad thing?
11. Is the guy who plays Jim in "The Office" more or less of a douche in real life than the guy who plays Dwight?
12. Was Joss Whedon's "Much Ado About Nothing" the most rockin' thing you ever saw, or what?
13. What was your favorite scene in Joss Whedon's "Much Ado About Nothing"?
14. How is Hollywood's representation of gay characters, of sexuality, of women's rights the same as, or different from, what others in the homeschool community might have you believe?
15. Should they have killed off Marissa or let her and Ryan live happily-ever-after? How did the killing off of Marissa affect your opinion of how Hollywood might affect the souls of young actors?
So, I guess we have now discovered whether or not I would be briefer and more to the point today.
Definitely not.
I hope, though, that you have been entertained by this post. At least a little bit. And I hope that, perhaps, you have gotten something out of it that is helpful to you, or will someday be helpful to you.
And I want you to know that I really appreciate the time you have taken to read my meandering ramblings. ;-)
Saturday, May 4, 2013
Sex -- Second Installment
I wrote a post a while ago about sex. I thought I'd write another one today.
These are just my thoughts. If you roll differently, that's cool. I'm nobody's judge and jury. Believe me, I know what it feels like to be judged. And it doesn't feel too good.
I am Catholic. Growing up Catholic, I was taught the Catholic ideas about sex. Many people misunderstand the Catholic ideas about sex. I have heard Catholicism referred to as an "anti-sex cult." That makes me giggle.
Anyway, amongst all the theological sex discussion that I grew up with, there is one statement which still stands out to me to this day. It was spoken to my by my Italian immigrant peasant-farmer-turned-candle-factory-worker Nana. Before I tell you what she said, though, let me tell you a little bit about her.
My Nana was cool. And she was no prude. In the family, it was known that she and my Grandpa were, as you might put it, "into each other." And she loved the handsome blonde guy on "The Lawrence Welk Show" and she loved her soap opera hotties. I tell you, if "The O.C." had been on when I was a young girl, my Nana would have been right there watching it with us. I think she would have dug Sandy Cohen and Jimmy Cooper (and, yes, even Ryan Atwood). Although, as we watched it together, she probably would have injected some of her Nana-wisdom into the whole situation. For example, she would have told us that the whole idea of Ryan in that poolhouse just wasn't good sense. She would have made him leave all the blinds open 24/7. And he would never have gotten away with taking off in the Range Rover in a fit of temper. My Nana was like 5'11" and 180 -- and Ryan just would not have gotten away with crap like that. Ryan would also never have been able to pull the wool over her eyes in his attempt to sneak across the border to finish off that Volchok character. My Nana would have seen that coming a mile away. And it just wouldn't have happened. She would have sent him outside to dig post holes or paint the house until he cooled off. That was her way of dealing with youthful passions. The digging of holes was high on her list of techniques for coping with teenagers and their ways. But, even with all that, she would have watched every single episode of "The O.C." and loved every minute of it.
When my Nana spoke, then, you listened. Because when she spoke, she always made sense. Because when she spoke, you felt like she understood you. And she always had a little gleam in her eye when she dispensed advice, as she did comprehend the hearts and minds of young people.
So, here I present to you the one piece of sex advice she ever gave me. I remember it clearly to this very day. We were in her "TV room" -- probably after watching one of the soaps that she loved. She was standing up, stretched out to her full 5'11'' height. And she said:
"Why should you have sex before you get married? If you have sex before you get married, then what will you have to look forward to?"
That was all she said. Nothing about sin or hell or the Theology Of The Body. Just, "What will you have to look forward to?" And, boy, in the midst of the Sexual Revolution, that did give me pause. Because when you are in the "middle of it" with a hot guy (or a hot girl, or whatever), it is hard to remember theological stuff, but it is not hard to remember a statement like that.
Again, this is not a judgement on anybody. Everybody is free to make their own decisions about sex. It's just something I present for your consideration. And it is a memory that brings a smile to my lips.
These are just my thoughts. If you roll differently, that's cool. I'm nobody's judge and jury. Believe me, I know what it feels like to be judged. And it doesn't feel too good.
I am Catholic. Growing up Catholic, I was taught the Catholic ideas about sex. Many people misunderstand the Catholic ideas about sex. I have heard Catholicism referred to as an "anti-sex cult." That makes me giggle.
Anyway, amongst all the theological sex discussion that I grew up with, there is one statement which still stands out to me to this day. It was spoken to my by my Italian immigrant peasant-farmer-turned-candle-factory-worker Nana. Before I tell you what she said, though, let me tell you a little bit about her.
My Nana was cool. And she was no prude. In the family, it was known that she and my Grandpa were, as you might put it, "into each other." And she loved the handsome blonde guy on "The Lawrence Welk Show" and she loved her soap opera hotties. I tell you, if "The O.C." had been on when I was a young girl, my Nana would have been right there watching it with us. I think she would have dug Sandy Cohen and Jimmy Cooper (and, yes, even Ryan Atwood). Although, as we watched it together, she probably would have injected some of her Nana-wisdom into the whole situation. For example, she would have told us that the whole idea of Ryan in that poolhouse just wasn't good sense. She would have made him leave all the blinds open 24/7. And he would never have gotten away with taking off in the Range Rover in a fit of temper. My Nana was like 5'11" and 180 -- and Ryan just would not have gotten away with crap like that. Ryan would also never have been able to pull the wool over her eyes in his attempt to sneak across the border to finish off that Volchok character. My Nana would have seen that coming a mile away. And it just wouldn't have happened. She would have sent him outside to dig post holes or paint the house until he cooled off. That was her way of dealing with youthful passions. The digging of holes was high on her list of techniques for coping with teenagers and their ways. But, even with all that, she would have watched every single episode of "The O.C." and loved every minute of it.
When my Nana spoke, then, you listened. Because when she spoke, she always made sense. Because when she spoke, you felt like she understood you. And she always had a little gleam in her eye when she dispensed advice, as she did comprehend the hearts and minds of young people.
So, here I present to you the one piece of sex advice she ever gave me. I remember it clearly to this very day. We were in her "TV room" -- probably after watching one of the soaps that she loved. She was standing up, stretched out to her full 5'11'' height. And she said:
"Why should you have sex before you get married? If you have sex before you get married, then what will you have to look forward to?"
That was all she said. Nothing about sin or hell or the Theology Of The Body. Just, "What will you have to look forward to?" And, boy, in the midst of the Sexual Revolution, that did give me pause. Because when you are in the "middle of it" with a hot guy (or a hot girl, or whatever), it is hard to remember theological stuff, but it is not hard to remember a statement like that.
Again, this is not a judgement on anybody. Everybody is free to make their own decisions about sex. It's just something I present for your consideration. And it is a memory that brings a smile to my lips.
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
The O.C., Fishing Boats, Manual Labor, And My Dad
I haven't written anything in a long time, as life has been pretty chaotic lately. Of course, there have been the holidays. There have also been other things -- family health problems, weddings -- a mixture of the good and the bad. But, I have missed blogging. So, I thought I would start out 2013 by talking about two of my favorite subjects -- "The O.C." and my dad.
At one point during the four seasons of "The O.C.", Ryan becomes dejected. Yes, I know he spends most of his time being dejected. But, this particular time, he decides it would be a good idea to go off and work on a fishing boat for several months. Of course, none of the other characters in the show think this is a good idea. I, on the contrary, thought it was a marvelous plan. Why? It reminded me of my dad and his very wise ideas about life and work.
Now, don't get me wrong. My dad encouraged my sisters and I to go to college. He told us that it would make life much easier for us. You see, he had not gone to college. He went for a semester, after his two years in the army were over, but he didn't think much of the professors and their ideas. He explained to us how one of his teachers tried to tell the class that nobody and nothing was really there. That they were all just imagining everything. Of course, which of them was the real one who was actually doing the imagining was not made clear. This kind of thing frustrated my very down-to-earth father to no end. One day, though, when he was at Bank of America depositing some money, the manager came over to him and offered him a job as a teller. (That is the way getting a job used to work in the "old days.") My dad jumped at the chance. And he ended up having a pretty successful career at the bank, but he realized that he was sometimes passed over for promotions or had to work harder for them because he had no degree. So, he told us that we should just buckle down and get that piece of paper, even if it meant putting up with some "nutty" thinking along the way.
Even as he thought getting a degree was a very important thing, though, my father always taught me about the value of hard work and the wisdom of the working man (or woman). He was of the opinion that those who are not formally educated, who do the "blue-collar" jobs in our society, are often smarter than those with advanced degrees. He felt that because they usually do not make much money, and have to work really hard to get ahead, that they develop common sense about how to interact with people and solve the practical problems of life -- like providing food, clothing, transportation, and shelter for themselves and their families.
And my father's positive opinion of working-class people was proven to me by those individuals I met through him. After working for 16 years at Bank of America, he left the suit and tie behind to become a general contractor. He had a partner and they ran a pretty small company, but they would hire sub-contractors for various jobs that they did. I, therefore, had the privilege of meeting many plumbers, electricians, painters, roofers, appliance repairmen, etc. My father knew the very best of these working men, and he thought very highly of them. And they, in turn, thought very highly of him. When I lived in the Bay Area and I needed something done in my house, my dad would send the very best guy available to my assistance. The job was always done right, by a polite man who never left a mess. And each of these men would tell me how great my father was and how much they enjoyed doing jobs for him. I don't really miss living in the Bay Area, but -- I tell you truly -- I miss those guys when something springs a leak in my home.
Because of his life experience, then, my dad never thought of it as a negative thing to be a working-class person. In fact, I remember him making numerous comments through the years about how spending some time digging ditches could be the very best thing for a young man's character. So, if my son was having some struggles in life and he told me that he wanted to spend several months working on a fishing boat -- saving up some money and contemplating his future -- I would totally and completely give him the green light. Not only would he learn a lot about himself, he would gain an appreciation of those who spend their lives doing that kind of work. For, it is a kind of work that does require skill and common sense. The kind of skill and common sense that it is not a waste of time acquiring from those who might be willing to teach it to you.
At one point during the four seasons of "The O.C.", Ryan becomes dejected. Yes, I know he spends most of his time being dejected. But, this particular time, he decides it would be a good idea to go off and work on a fishing boat for several months. Of course, none of the other characters in the show think this is a good idea. I, on the contrary, thought it was a marvelous plan. Why? It reminded me of my dad and his very wise ideas about life and work.
Now, don't get me wrong. My dad encouraged my sisters and I to go to college. He told us that it would make life much easier for us. You see, he had not gone to college. He went for a semester, after his two years in the army were over, but he didn't think much of the professors and their ideas. He explained to us how one of his teachers tried to tell the class that nobody and nothing was really there. That they were all just imagining everything. Of course, which of them was the real one who was actually doing the imagining was not made clear. This kind of thing frustrated my very down-to-earth father to no end. One day, though, when he was at Bank of America depositing some money, the manager came over to him and offered him a job as a teller. (That is the way getting a job used to work in the "old days.") My dad jumped at the chance. And he ended up having a pretty successful career at the bank, but he realized that he was sometimes passed over for promotions or had to work harder for them because he had no degree. So, he told us that we should just buckle down and get that piece of paper, even if it meant putting up with some "nutty" thinking along the way.
Even as he thought getting a degree was a very important thing, though, my father always taught me about the value of hard work and the wisdom of the working man (or woman). He was of the opinion that those who are not formally educated, who do the "blue-collar" jobs in our society, are often smarter than those with advanced degrees. He felt that because they usually do not make much money, and have to work really hard to get ahead, that they develop common sense about how to interact with people and solve the practical problems of life -- like providing food, clothing, transportation, and shelter for themselves and their families.
And my father's positive opinion of working-class people was proven to me by those individuals I met through him. After working for 16 years at Bank of America, he left the suit and tie behind to become a general contractor. He had a partner and they ran a pretty small company, but they would hire sub-contractors for various jobs that they did. I, therefore, had the privilege of meeting many plumbers, electricians, painters, roofers, appliance repairmen, etc. My father knew the very best of these working men, and he thought very highly of them. And they, in turn, thought very highly of him. When I lived in the Bay Area and I needed something done in my house, my dad would send the very best guy available to my assistance. The job was always done right, by a polite man who never left a mess. And each of these men would tell me how great my father was and how much they enjoyed doing jobs for him. I don't really miss living in the Bay Area, but -- I tell you truly -- I miss those guys when something springs a leak in my home.
Because of his life experience, then, my dad never thought of it as a negative thing to be a working-class person. In fact, I remember him making numerous comments through the years about how spending some time digging ditches could be the very best thing for a young man's character. So, if my son was having some struggles in life and he told me that he wanted to spend several months working on a fishing boat -- saving up some money and contemplating his future -- I would totally and completely give him the green light. Not only would he learn a lot about himself, he would gain an appreciation of those who spend their lives doing that kind of work. For, it is a kind of work that does require skill and common sense. The kind of skill and common sense that it is not a waste of time acquiring from those who might be willing to teach it to you.
Thursday, December 13, 2012
Choosing A College
(I wonder if, in this post, I will find a way to talk about "SouthLAnd", "The O.C.", or Ben McKenzie. We shall see...)
Anyhoo.
It is that time again. The time when kids and parents start making decisions about college for the coming school year. It can all be very stressful and harrowing. Kids have opinions. Parents have opinions -- which can be different than their kids' opinions. There are finances to consider. And to top it all off, I have heard that high school counselors are now encouraging students to apply to at least 10 schools. TEN SCHOOLS???!!! And most teens seem to be taking these SAT prep courses that cost about a zillion dollars. And they are taking the test about a zillion times. If I was in high school now, I think I'd end up in the psyche ward. (I wonder what score Ben McKenzie got on the SAT, anyway...)
Back in my day (I graduated from high school in 1981), the PSAT was considered to be the thing -- and pretty much the only thing -- you did to practice for the SAT. And you usually took the SAT once. If you were very smart, you got to be a National Merit Finalist for scoring exceptionally well on the PSAT -- my husband was one of those people. I scored in the top 10% on the PSAT, so I was not a National Merit Finalist, but I got a cute little congratulatory card. A lot of colleges also sent me literature. It was all a big surprise to me that this happened, and I enjoyed the attention.
Now, as I have said before, my grandparents came from the "old country" in Italy. They had third grade educations. Both of my parents graduated from high school and took a few college courses, but neither of them had a degree. They did think it would make life easier on my sisters and me if we did go to college, so they encouraged us to do that. But, there was no big pressure. (I wonder if Ben McKenzie's parents put a lot of pressure on him to go to college.) My father also figured that the most intelligent way to get a college degree was to attend two years of junior college and then transfer to a school in the California State System. He told us that we would save a lot of money that way and we could also live at home. Being that he was very Italian, he felt that everyone should live at home until they married. It was his philosophy that paying money on room/board or rent was just flushing dollars down the toilet. He also thought that it was good for us to live with him while the wacko college professors were feeding us their wacko college professor ideas, because he figured that he could straighten us out in the evenings and on weekends. (My family was not like the family in "The O.C." The family in "The O.C." shares many of the same ideas as my college professors.)
In the end, I did not end up going to junior college and then transferring. I just went straight to San Francisco State University from high school. Why? Because my best friend babysat for the family of a professor of that institution. He taught Human Sexuality. He and his wife convinced my friend and me that we should just go straight into that four-year school, bypassing the whole community college thing. It was quite economical. I did live at home, and I paid for my entire education by working in a hospital gift shop on weekends. I enjoyed my time at SF State, even though the neighborhood scared me a little bit, as I was a suburban kid. (Although, it was not nearly as bad as some of the neighborhoods in which they shoot "SouthLAnd".)
So, what is my point here? My point is that, without a lot of angsty stressing out, and without spending the equivalent of the cost of a McMansion, my sisters and I ended up with college degrees and professions. We all became teachers. Which bothered my father to no end, because all of our lives he told us -- over and over again -- "Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach."
Of course, I realize that it is no longer possible to pay for an entire college education -- even using my father's methodology -- by working in a hospital gift shop on weekends. And I acknowledge the value of putting some careful thought into choosing a school that suits ones personality. I have also seen -- through the experiences of my husband and children -- what a wonderful opportunity for growth going away to college can be. I just feel bad for people when I see how much mental anguish can go into this decision. And the amount of debt some of my kids' friends are racking up -- so they can go to the "right" school -- is a bit distressing. (I wonder if Ben McKenzie had to take out student loans...)
I will end with the tale of my son -- Scott -- whose own college decision was a rather haphazard process, the end result of which has been quite delightful. Thus far, anyway.
Scott really wanted to go to Thomas Aquinas College -- the school is older sister was attending. It is a lovely institution, and offers a lovely education. The thing is, they read about 2000 pages a day at that place and do some rather difficult math, so a relatively high SAT score is required.
The day before Scott took the SAT (for the first time), our dog required unexpected emergency surgery for the removal of one of her eyes. Scott was with me the whole time that was going on, and it was pretty stressful. He didn't sleep well that night. And he had to get up much earlier than normal the day of the test. (As a homeschooler, he really never got up before 7:30 or 8:00 in the morning.) He also had to eat breakfast a lot earlier than usual, which gave him a stomach ache. He has never been a breakfast person, anyway. He came out of the test quite dejected, telling me that he had "totally bombed" it. And he flatly refused to take it again -- ever.
Well, he didn't totally bomb the test. He actually did pretty well, considering the circumstances. But, not well enough to get into Thomas Aquinas College. I encouraged him to try again, as I think he could have scored high enough on a second go-around, but he declined. If you know Scott, you will understand his reaction here. If you don't know him, well... Let's just say he is one of the most bull-headed people I have ever encountered. As he has gotten older, this aspect of his personality has turned out to be an asset. But, as a younger child and adolescent, it could pose a formidable challenge.
What to do, then? I recalled a school my daughter had briefly considered when she was looking at colleges. It was out-of-state, which is why she decided against it. But, I remembered that it was a school that accepted kids with more average SAT scores, even giving out financial aid in the form of "opportunity grants". Scott went for a visit and adored the place. He has now completed three semesters, is on the Dean's List, is a Resident Assistant, and has great friends. I have never seen him happier.
So, if you are a parent or a kid worrying about college decisions, I would encourage you to relax a little. Do what is within your means. Don't worry so much about whether or not you are making exactly the right decision. Sometimes, the most wonderful things can happen in the most unexpected of ways... (I wonder if Ben McKenzie ever changed his major.) ;-)
Anyhoo.
It is that time again. The time when kids and parents start making decisions about college for the coming school year. It can all be very stressful and harrowing. Kids have opinions. Parents have opinions -- which can be different than their kids' opinions. There are finances to consider. And to top it all off, I have heard that high school counselors are now encouraging students to apply to at least 10 schools. TEN SCHOOLS???!!! And most teens seem to be taking these SAT prep courses that cost about a zillion dollars. And they are taking the test about a zillion times. If I was in high school now, I think I'd end up in the psyche ward. (I wonder what score Ben McKenzie got on the SAT, anyway...)
Back in my day (I graduated from high school in 1981), the PSAT was considered to be the thing -- and pretty much the only thing -- you did to practice for the SAT. And you usually took the SAT once. If you were very smart, you got to be a National Merit Finalist for scoring exceptionally well on the PSAT -- my husband was one of those people. I scored in the top 10% on the PSAT, so I was not a National Merit Finalist, but I got a cute little congratulatory card. A lot of colleges also sent me literature. It was all a big surprise to me that this happened, and I enjoyed the attention.
Now, as I have said before, my grandparents came from the "old country" in Italy. They had third grade educations. Both of my parents graduated from high school and took a few college courses, but neither of them had a degree. They did think it would make life easier on my sisters and me if we did go to college, so they encouraged us to do that. But, there was no big pressure. (I wonder if Ben McKenzie's parents put a lot of pressure on him to go to college.) My father also figured that the most intelligent way to get a college degree was to attend two years of junior college and then transfer to a school in the California State System. He told us that we would save a lot of money that way and we could also live at home. Being that he was very Italian, he felt that everyone should live at home until they married. It was his philosophy that paying money on room/board or rent was just flushing dollars down the toilet. He also thought that it was good for us to live with him while the wacko college professors were feeding us their wacko college professor ideas, because he figured that he could straighten us out in the evenings and on weekends. (My family was not like the family in "The O.C." The family in "The O.C." shares many of the same ideas as my college professors.)
In the end, I did not end up going to junior college and then transferring. I just went straight to San Francisco State University from high school. Why? Because my best friend babysat for the family of a professor of that institution. He taught Human Sexuality. He and his wife convinced my friend and me that we should just go straight into that four-year school, bypassing the whole community college thing. It was quite economical. I did live at home, and I paid for my entire education by working in a hospital gift shop on weekends. I enjoyed my time at SF State, even though the neighborhood scared me a little bit, as I was a suburban kid. (Although, it was not nearly as bad as some of the neighborhoods in which they shoot "SouthLAnd".)
So, what is my point here? My point is that, without a lot of angsty stressing out, and without spending the equivalent of the cost of a McMansion, my sisters and I ended up with college degrees and professions. We all became teachers. Which bothered my father to no end, because all of our lives he told us -- over and over again -- "Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach."
Of course, I realize that it is no longer possible to pay for an entire college education -- even using my father's methodology -- by working in a hospital gift shop on weekends. And I acknowledge the value of putting some careful thought into choosing a school that suits ones personality. I have also seen -- through the experiences of my husband and children -- what a wonderful opportunity for growth going away to college can be. I just feel bad for people when I see how much mental anguish can go into this decision. And the amount of debt some of my kids' friends are racking up -- so they can go to the "right" school -- is a bit distressing. (I wonder if Ben McKenzie had to take out student loans...)
I will end with the tale of my son -- Scott -- whose own college decision was a rather haphazard process, the end result of which has been quite delightful. Thus far, anyway.
Scott really wanted to go to Thomas Aquinas College -- the school is older sister was attending. It is a lovely institution, and offers a lovely education. The thing is, they read about 2000 pages a day at that place and do some rather difficult math, so a relatively high SAT score is required.
The day before Scott took the SAT (for the first time), our dog required unexpected emergency surgery for the removal of one of her eyes. Scott was with me the whole time that was going on, and it was pretty stressful. He didn't sleep well that night. And he had to get up much earlier than normal the day of the test. (As a homeschooler, he really never got up before 7:30 or 8:00 in the morning.) He also had to eat breakfast a lot earlier than usual, which gave him a stomach ache. He has never been a breakfast person, anyway. He came out of the test quite dejected, telling me that he had "totally bombed" it. And he flatly refused to take it again -- ever.
Well, he didn't totally bomb the test. He actually did pretty well, considering the circumstances. But, not well enough to get into Thomas Aquinas College. I encouraged him to try again, as I think he could have scored high enough on a second go-around, but he declined. If you know Scott, you will understand his reaction here. If you don't know him, well... Let's just say he is one of the most bull-headed people I have ever encountered. As he has gotten older, this aspect of his personality has turned out to be an asset. But, as a younger child and adolescent, it could pose a formidable challenge.
What to do, then? I recalled a school my daughter had briefly considered when she was looking at colleges. It was out-of-state, which is why she decided against it. But, I remembered that it was a school that accepted kids with more average SAT scores, even giving out financial aid in the form of "opportunity grants". Scott went for a visit and adored the place. He has now completed three semesters, is on the Dean's List, is a Resident Assistant, and has great friends. I have never seen him happier.
So, if you are a parent or a kid worrying about college decisions, I would encourage you to relax a little. Do what is within your means. Don't worry so much about whether or not you are making exactly the right decision. Sometimes, the most wonderful things can happen in the most unexpected of ways... (I wonder if Ben McKenzie ever changed his major.) ;-)
Thursday, December 6, 2012
Faith, Hope, Love, Young People -- And "The O.C."
If you read my blog, you probably realize that my mind contains a rather large jumble of things all being shaken up together -- Catholicism, mom stuff, wife things, homemaking, teaching, music, TV, movies, philosophy, politics... Sometimes, a bunch of this stuff blends together into an image in my imagination, which I want to express here, but the transition from what's in my head to the written word can be rather difficult. So, here I go...
Today, I have been reflecting on TV, music, modern life, youth, and faith. Specifically, how modern shows like "The O.C." and its music speak to and about young people -- their hearts and their faith -- their seeking for what is worthy of belief. And how can we, as parents, teachers, and adults, help them on their way?
First, I should probably say something about my philosophy of TV and movie watching with my kids. I allowed my children -- who are now 24, 22, and 20 years old -- to view many different types of things as they grew up. I didn't make decisions about what they could watch based, necessarily, on language, sexual content, and violence. Although, I did take these into consideration. I was careful not to overwhelm their senses with images they weren't ready for developmentally. The fast-forward/scene-skipping buttons on the remote came in pretty handy here. What I mainly looked for were stories that were well-told, that meant something, which we could use as a springboard for discussion and further learning. A few of the movies and TV shows my kids most enjoyed were probably the following: "Top Gun", "Jerry Maguire", "Band of Brothers", "Pearl Harbor", "The Lord of the Rings" triology, and "JAG". More recently, we have enjoyed together "Numb3rs", "Angel", "SouthLAnd", and "The O.C."
Now, as for watching "The O.C." My kids didn't see this when it originally aired. This wasn't a conscious decision on my part. We were just involved in other things at the time, and this show didn't appear on our radar. Although, my kids -- at least my older two -- were probably in the original target audience for the original air dates. So, I ask myself if I would have been ok with them watching it when they were actually in high school, as it does contain a fair amount of sexuality and other soap-opera-like drama. I was talking about this with my older daughter and I ended up saying, "Well, I probably would have let you watch it. And I would have watched it with you. But, I would have said one simple thing -- 'If you act like the kids on that show, you WILL get pregnant.'" She laughed, and did not disagree.
We actually started watching "The O.C." because we were watching "SouthLAnd" and learned that Ben McKenzie (Officer Sherman on "SouthLAnd") had done this other show. I, therefore, ordered the first season of "The O.C." on DVD, just for kicks. I wasn't going to order the other seasons. Then we all got hooked and some Hollywood people made some money off me. Money they earned well, I must say.
After watching all four seasons of "The O.C." and listening to the music chosen for the show, I have been having some wistfully philosophical thoughts, as I am want to do. Whoever chose the music for that show has epic talent. The writing, acting, and music all come together to really tug on your heartstrings. And for me, as a mom -- and a person for whom youth is not too far distant a memory -- it tugs on my heartstrings in a special way. I do not say to myself, "Young people are a hopeless, immoral, faithless mess; and the world is going to hell in a hand basket." Instead, I have the following thoughts:
It seems to me that "The O.C." -- and many other movies and television shows of interest to youth -- reflect a real seeking on the part of young people. Yes, these kids may be rebellious and do things that defy common sense, but that is the nature of this age group. It always has been. And if you don't believe me, read the Old Testament and Aristophanes. But, there is more to these kids than trouble making and sex drive. Their hearts do contain a real desire to love and be loved, to be part of families they can count on, to be involved in friendships where they can rest their hearts and be understood, to know the truth about things (even religious things). But, they don't want to be preached at. They don't want to feel constrained. They want to be listened to and really heard. They want to be trusted. And they don't want to be judged. They also don't really care to judge. One of the most wonderful things about young people, in my opinion, is their capacity for compassion and understanding, their open minds.
So, what should we -- as the adults in the equation -- do with this? I think it is helpful to recall our own experience of being young. When I remember my own youth, it helps me to observe, listen to, and talk with my own kids with an open heart and without so much of a need to immediately "fix" all their "faults". I realize that -- if there are any ways in which I have improved as a person over the years -- experience (combined with words of wisdom from wise people) has often been the best teacher. My father said one heck of a lot of smart stuff to me. But, I have often not recalled his advice until I have experienced the pain of not heeding it.
But, you might say, we want to spare our children the suffering and scars of making mistakes. Believe me, so do I. Has there ever been, though, in the history of the world, a person who has not "sinned"? A person with no scars? I don't think so. I ask myself, therefore, "Am I not being prideful in thinking that my own kids -- under my ever-so-superior tutelage -- are going to be perfect?" Haha.
Therefore, I will just try to walk with them and talk with them along the way. I will try to be gentle. I will attempt to remember that I need to let go -- little-by-little -- and let them make their own decisions. My mother-in-law is especially good at this, so I will try to follow her example. Her own five kids -- good people all -- have done some really crazy-ass things over the years, as I'm sure they would admit. And she has not always remained silent. But, after she has spoken her peace, she does the whole "live and let live" thing extremely well. Hat tip to you, Gail... And how does she do this? Well, she ACTUALLY DOES trust God to love her kids and take care of them, even better than she can. And she sees the virtue in each of her children, all the time.
So, maybe this is what my heart is feeling when reflecting on youth and the things they enjoy watching and listening to. These young people want us to see their virtue. They want us to see the virtue in others. They get tired of us constantly pointing out to them what is wrong -- with them, with people they like and admire, with the world. They want to see the positive, to have hope for the future. And they want us to do the same. If we are people of faith, especially, they want us to demonstrate that we actually do trust in God by our love and compassion and positive outlook, not by our constant negative judgements and fearful statements about the future of our country and the world. Our youth want us to BE WITH them along the way. And then, perhaps, they will truly learn from us anything we have that is actually worth teaching.
Today, I have been reflecting on TV, music, modern life, youth, and faith. Specifically, how modern shows like "The O.C." and its music speak to and about young people -- their hearts and their faith -- their seeking for what is worthy of belief. And how can we, as parents, teachers, and adults, help them on their way?
First, I should probably say something about my philosophy of TV and movie watching with my kids. I allowed my children -- who are now 24, 22, and 20 years old -- to view many different types of things as they grew up. I didn't make decisions about what they could watch based, necessarily, on language, sexual content, and violence. Although, I did take these into consideration. I was careful not to overwhelm their senses with images they weren't ready for developmentally. The fast-forward/scene-skipping buttons on the remote came in pretty handy here. What I mainly looked for were stories that were well-told, that meant something, which we could use as a springboard for discussion and further learning. A few of the movies and TV shows my kids most enjoyed were probably the following: "Top Gun", "Jerry Maguire", "Band of Brothers", "Pearl Harbor", "The Lord of the Rings" triology, and "JAG". More recently, we have enjoyed together "Numb3rs", "Angel", "SouthLAnd", and "The O.C."
Now, as for watching "The O.C." My kids didn't see this when it originally aired. This wasn't a conscious decision on my part. We were just involved in other things at the time, and this show didn't appear on our radar. Although, my kids -- at least my older two -- were probably in the original target audience for the original air dates. So, I ask myself if I would have been ok with them watching it when they were actually in high school, as it does contain a fair amount of sexuality and other soap-opera-like drama. I was talking about this with my older daughter and I ended up saying, "Well, I probably would have let you watch it. And I would have watched it with you. But, I would have said one simple thing -- 'If you act like the kids on that show, you WILL get pregnant.'" She laughed, and did not disagree.
We actually started watching "The O.C." because we were watching "SouthLAnd" and learned that Ben McKenzie (Officer Sherman on "SouthLAnd") had done this other show. I, therefore, ordered the first season of "The O.C." on DVD, just for kicks. I wasn't going to order the other seasons. Then we all got hooked and some Hollywood people made some money off me. Money they earned well, I must say.
After watching all four seasons of "The O.C." and listening to the music chosen for the show, I have been having some wistfully philosophical thoughts, as I am want to do. Whoever chose the music for that show has epic talent. The writing, acting, and music all come together to really tug on your heartstrings. And for me, as a mom -- and a person for whom youth is not too far distant a memory -- it tugs on my heartstrings in a special way. I do not say to myself, "Young people are a hopeless, immoral, faithless mess; and the world is going to hell in a hand basket." Instead, I have the following thoughts:
It seems to me that "The O.C." -- and many other movies and television shows of interest to youth -- reflect a real seeking on the part of young people. Yes, these kids may be rebellious and do things that defy common sense, but that is the nature of this age group. It always has been. And if you don't believe me, read the Old Testament and Aristophanes. But, there is more to these kids than trouble making and sex drive. Their hearts do contain a real desire to love and be loved, to be part of families they can count on, to be involved in friendships where they can rest their hearts and be understood, to know the truth about things (even religious things). But, they don't want to be preached at. They don't want to feel constrained. They want to be listened to and really heard. They want to be trusted. And they don't want to be judged. They also don't really care to judge. One of the most wonderful things about young people, in my opinion, is their capacity for compassion and understanding, their open minds.
So, what should we -- as the adults in the equation -- do with this? I think it is helpful to recall our own experience of being young. When I remember my own youth, it helps me to observe, listen to, and talk with my own kids with an open heart and without so much of a need to immediately "fix" all their "faults". I realize that -- if there are any ways in which I have improved as a person over the years -- experience (combined with words of wisdom from wise people) has often been the best teacher. My father said one heck of a lot of smart stuff to me. But, I have often not recalled his advice until I have experienced the pain of not heeding it.
But, you might say, we want to spare our children the suffering and scars of making mistakes. Believe me, so do I. Has there ever been, though, in the history of the world, a person who has not "sinned"? A person with no scars? I don't think so. I ask myself, therefore, "Am I not being prideful in thinking that my own kids -- under my ever-so-superior tutelage -- are going to be perfect?" Haha.
Therefore, I will just try to walk with them and talk with them along the way. I will try to be gentle. I will attempt to remember that I need to let go -- little-by-little -- and let them make their own decisions. My mother-in-law is especially good at this, so I will try to follow her example. Her own five kids -- good people all -- have done some really crazy-ass things over the years, as I'm sure they would admit. And she has not always remained silent. But, after she has spoken her peace, she does the whole "live and let live" thing extremely well. Hat tip to you, Gail... And how does she do this? Well, she ACTUALLY DOES trust God to love her kids and take care of them, even better than she can. And she sees the virtue in each of her children, all the time.
So, maybe this is what my heart is feeling when reflecting on youth and the things they enjoy watching and listening to. These young people want us to see their virtue. They want us to see the virtue in others. They get tired of us constantly pointing out to them what is wrong -- with them, with people they like and admire, with the world. They want to see the positive, to have hope for the future. And they want us to do the same. If we are people of faith, especially, they want us to demonstrate that we actually do trust in God by our love and compassion and positive outlook, not by our constant negative judgements and fearful statements about the future of our country and the world. Our youth want us to BE WITH them along the way. And then, perhaps, they will truly learn from us anything we have that is actually worth teaching.
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
"The O.C.", My Father, And My Jewish Brother-In-Law
Yeah. Here I go again with "The O.C." I do admit that TV shows and movies often cause me to reflect on things in my own life. And those things show up on my blog.
I guess one of the factors that causes me to have the "warm fuzzies" when watching "The O.C." is the fact that the Cohens are a family of mixed religions -- a Jewish father and a Christian mother. And I really enjoy how the Jewish creator of the show -- Josh Schwartz -- has instilled in the marriage of these characters such great love and respect. This is especially significant to me as my sister -- a Catholic -- is married to a Jewish man.
My two sisters and I were raised in a very Catholic environment, by very Catholic parents. My father always explained to us that marrying someone of the same faith would probably be easier in the long run, because -- as he told us -- "there will be enough things to fight about, without fighting about your religion." Pretty practical and sensible, right? My father never indulged in deep philosophical reasoning about how you should live your life. He always had very down-to-earth reasons for why he did what he did.
Anyway, my sisters and I never "left the Church." Our faith has always been a central part of our lives. I married a very serious Catholic man. One of my sisters has not married, but is a kick-ass kindergarten teacher. And my youngest sister (Gina), when she was about 29 or 30 years old, began to date a Jewish man named Aaron, and they married a few years later.
Now, my dad could have flipped out about Gina and Aaron and the fact that Aaron was not only not Catholic, but not Christian, either. In fact, Aaron is a rather agnostic individual. But, my dad always said, "You tell your kids your opinions about marriage before they fall in love. Then, you accept their decisions." And that is just what he did with Gina and Aaron. And my dad's relationship with Aaron, before my dad passed away, was an inspiring good example for everyone. My father became one of Aaron's closest friends and confidantes. They took piano lessons together. They often went out for breakfast. And they talked about any and all subjects -- including those where they had some serious disagreements (faith, religion, and politics) -- without any hard feelings. In fact, they enjoyed their spirited discussions and would always end up laughing. And when Aaron's father would come out from Philadelphia to visit, he would join Aaron and my dad in their discussions and adventures. Aaron's father actually delivered a eulogy at my father's funeral. He said that even though their religions were different, they shared the same values in the areas of friendship and family life. And he spoke of how he would so much miss my father, who had become his close friend.
I will not say that Gina and Aaron's road to the altar was an entirely easy or smooth one. Her Catholic faith remained (and still remains) important to her. And Aaron was no doormat about his opinions, either. Once, he presented Gina with a 12-page list of his objections to the Catholic Church. She sat and patiently (or, maybe, not-so-patiently) went through the list line-by-line and responded to each item. Through it all, though, my father was gracious and supportive of their relationship. He encouraged Gina to stand up for what she believed. But, he also encouraged Aaron to express himself. And then he trusted that they would make a wise decision.
Their wedding, in the end, was celebrated in a Catholic church with a Chuppah on the altar. Both a deacon and a rabbi officiated. The "Ave Maria" was sung, as well as some wonderful Jewish music. One of the cool things about their wedding preparations -- and one of the things I found most inspiring -- was my father's sensitivity to the Jewish guests' possible feelings about being in a church with a crucifix. Jewish people can be rather sensitive about crucifixes, as they have often been wrongfully and unfairly accused of killing Jesus, resulting in a lot of serious anti-semitism. So, my father brought Aaron's parents to the church well before the scheduled wedding date. He wanted them to check it out and have the opportunity to express their feelings about whether or not they and their friends and family members would be comfortable there. Aaron's parents graciously gave their blessing for the wedding ceremony to be celebrated in that church building.
Gina and Aaron have been married for 11 years now. They have a beautiful son and daughter. Their children are being raised as Catholics, but the Jewish Sabbath and holy days and seasons are also observed in their home. The children are learning to love and respect the faiths of both of their parents, primarily because Gina and Aaron respect each others' faiths. And it is lovely to hear their little girl chant the prayer before meals in the Hebrew language.
So, when I watch "The O.C.", the relationship of Sandy Cohen and his wife and the way they treat others -- regardless of faith or politics -- reminds me a lot of the mixed-religion marriage within my own extended family. And I am grateful for people who are gracious and grace-filled enough to make such a thing work. And I am grateful for artists like Josh Schwartz, who are able to paint a beautiful picture for us of such a relationship. For art can and should reflect truths about us and what we are capable of doing -- both the sweet and the salt.
Oh. I also must say that it was great fun to hear my father tell people -- rather proudly -- that he had a son-in-law who "is one of the Chosen People."
I guess one of the factors that causes me to have the "warm fuzzies" when watching "The O.C." is the fact that the Cohens are a family of mixed religions -- a Jewish father and a Christian mother. And I really enjoy how the Jewish creator of the show -- Josh Schwartz -- has instilled in the marriage of these characters such great love and respect. This is especially significant to me as my sister -- a Catholic -- is married to a Jewish man.
My two sisters and I were raised in a very Catholic environment, by very Catholic parents. My father always explained to us that marrying someone of the same faith would probably be easier in the long run, because -- as he told us -- "there will be enough things to fight about, without fighting about your religion." Pretty practical and sensible, right? My father never indulged in deep philosophical reasoning about how you should live your life. He always had very down-to-earth reasons for why he did what he did.
Anyway, my sisters and I never "left the Church." Our faith has always been a central part of our lives. I married a very serious Catholic man. One of my sisters has not married, but is a kick-ass kindergarten teacher. And my youngest sister (Gina), when she was about 29 or 30 years old, began to date a Jewish man named Aaron, and they married a few years later.
Now, my dad could have flipped out about Gina and Aaron and the fact that Aaron was not only not Catholic, but not Christian, either. In fact, Aaron is a rather agnostic individual. But, my dad always said, "You tell your kids your opinions about marriage before they fall in love. Then, you accept their decisions." And that is just what he did with Gina and Aaron. And my dad's relationship with Aaron, before my dad passed away, was an inspiring good example for everyone. My father became one of Aaron's closest friends and confidantes. They took piano lessons together. They often went out for breakfast. And they talked about any and all subjects -- including those where they had some serious disagreements (faith, religion, and politics) -- without any hard feelings. In fact, they enjoyed their spirited discussions and would always end up laughing. And when Aaron's father would come out from Philadelphia to visit, he would join Aaron and my dad in their discussions and adventures. Aaron's father actually delivered a eulogy at my father's funeral. He said that even though their religions were different, they shared the same values in the areas of friendship and family life. And he spoke of how he would so much miss my father, who had become his close friend.
I will not say that Gina and Aaron's road to the altar was an entirely easy or smooth one. Her Catholic faith remained (and still remains) important to her. And Aaron was no doormat about his opinions, either. Once, he presented Gina with a 12-page list of his objections to the Catholic Church. She sat and patiently (or, maybe, not-so-patiently) went through the list line-by-line and responded to each item. Through it all, though, my father was gracious and supportive of their relationship. He encouraged Gina to stand up for what she believed. But, he also encouraged Aaron to express himself. And then he trusted that they would make a wise decision.
Their wedding, in the end, was celebrated in a Catholic church with a Chuppah on the altar. Both a deacon and a rabbi officiated. The "Ave Maria" was sung, as well as some wonderful Jewish music. One of the cool things about their wedding preparations -- and one of the things I found most inspiring -- was my father's sensitivity to the Jewish guests' possible feelings about being in a church with a crucifix. Jewish people can be rather sensitive about crucifixes, as they have often been wrongfully and unfairly accused of killing Jesus, resulting in a lot of serious anti-semitism. So, my father brought Aaron's parents to the church well before the scheduled wedding date. He wanted them to check it out and have the opportunity to express their feelings about whether or not they and their friends and family members would be comfortable there. Aaron's parents graciously gave their blessing for the wedding ceremony to be celebrated in that church building.
Gina and Aaron have been married for 11 years now. They have a beautiful son and daughter. Their children are being raised as Catholics, but the Jewish Sabbath and holy days and seasons are also observed in their home. The children are learning to love and respect the faiths of both of their parents, primarily because Gina and Aaron respect each others' faiths. And it is lovely to hear their little girl chant the prayer before meals in the Hebrew language.
So, when I watch "The O.C.", the relationship of Sandy Cohen and his wife and the way they treat others -- regardless of faith or politics -- reminds me a lot of the mixed-religion marriage within my own extended family. And I am grateful for people who are gracious and grace-filled enough to make such a thing work. And I am grateful for artists like Josh Schwartz, who are able to paint a beautiful picture for us of such a relationship. For art can and should reflect truths about us and what we are capable of doing -- both the sweet and the salt.
Oh. I also must say that it was great fun to hear my father tell people -- rather proudly -- that he had a son-in-law who "is one of the Chosen People."
Monday, November 19, 2012
"The O.C." And The Best Of Liberal Thought
As I have mentioned before, I really enjoy watching "The O.C." Yes, I am behind the times a bit. And, yes, this show has many dramatic soap-opera elements about it. But, it has many other elements, as well. The one I will be discussing today is how, to me, this "sexy, teenage soap" espouses the best of liberal thought -- at least, the best of liberal thought as I have experienced it in my life.
I am a pretty conservative person -- religiously, politically, in my life as a wife and mom. I did earn my college degree at San Francisco State University, though. And most of my teachers at that storied institution, and many of my friends, were pretty (extremely ?) liberal. In watching "The O.C." I have been reminded of my experience in college and the things I learned to appreciate there from those who embraced the more "progressive" view of things.
One of the main characters in "The O.C." is a man named Sandy Cohen. He is a Jewish, Berkeley-educated public defender married to a beautiful, kind, very wealthy Protestant woman. These two have a 16-year-old son, Seth, who is rather socially awkward, but has great potential for a certain romantic coolness. The premise of the show is that, in the course of doing his job, Sandy comes across an enigmatic, soulful young man (Ryan Atwood) who has run afoul of the law (albeit, rather unintentionally). Seeing the goodness in this young man, Sandy doesn't want to leave him to the whims and vagaries of "the system," so he brings the teenager home to live with his family in a monied area of Orange County.
Throughout the four seasons of "The O.C.", Sandy faces many situations -- with Ryan and Seth, with his wife, in his work and community -- which challenge him and necessitate a response. He is not a perfect man and doesn't always make perfect decisions, but the humanity with which this character responds to both people and situations reflect what I consider to be the true beauty of liberal values.
First of all, in bringing Ryan home, Sandy personifies the liberal value of reaching out to the less fortunate. Of seeing the true potential in someone who has been treated rather harshly by life -- unstable family situation, low socioeconomic status, sub-par schools. He is willing to give that person a chance to see what he can really do with his life. And Sandy doesn't give up on Ryan when he makes poor decisions at times. He encourages Ryan to reflect on and rectify situations in which he hasn't handled himself properly. Sandy trusts Ryan, when all is said and done, to do what is right. He trusts in that people are, generally speaking, created to be good.
Which leads me to the next "liberal value" I see Sandy Cohen putting into action. And that is the value of withholding judgment when someone (especially a young someone) screws up -- allowing that person to learn from his mistakes without humiliation. Having hope that the person will, in fact, go on to be better for the experiences he has had. Throughout my education, the liberals in my life gave me confidence, because they gave me the freedom to try things out -- both actions and ideas -- in order that I could learn and figure things out for myself. I tried to make good decisions; but, of course, I wasn't always successful in that effort. And when I made mistakes, I didn't feel condemnation from these progressives. Instead, I felt compassion and understanding. This compassion and understanding gave me the strength I needed to pick myself up and move on. The sense of freedom and trust these individuals gave me also allowed me to express myself with sincerity, instead of making me feel I had to conform to a certain way of thinking out of fear that I would be rejected. And in being able to express what I truly felt, I was able to "shake out" my ideas -- test them among different people and in various situations, to see if they would truly hold up. And this is what I see in the interaction of the Sandy and Ryan (and Sandy and Seth) characters.
Sandy Cohen also embraces the best of liberal thought in his religious outlook and community life. One of my favorite episodes centers around the Jewish celebration of Passover in the Cohen household. At the Sedar meal, Sandy leads the prayer. As part of the prayer, he calls to mind an individual's and family's obligation to society -- both in the smaller community and larger world. And this character does put that idea into practice throughout all the seasons of the show. He struggles against the temptations of selfish individualism and material greed, always attempting to do what is truly the right thing for people and society. Even if it costs him personally.
Of course, Sandy Cohen -- progressive maverick -- at times does things much differently as a parent than I would. I would never be making peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for my 18-year-old son so that he could go off to Vegas for New Year's Eve to have sex with his 18-year-old girlfriend. (Knowing Sandy as I do, I must say that he probably sneaked some condoms into that cooler, along with the sandwiches). I also would never give my handsome, charming stepson his own pool house, equipped with a king-sized bed made up with satin sheets and fluffy pillows. And one of my favorite scenes -- I love it especially because it is something I would NEVER do -- is when Ryan is going off on one of his missions of vengeance. In the COHENS' RANGE ROVER, of all things. And Sandy is standing calmly by the open driver's side window, trying to calmly talk Ryan out of his insane plan. And Ryan drives away. And Sandy calmly lets him. I WOULD BE FREAKING DIVING INTO THAT WINDOW AND REMOVING THE KEYS FROM THE IGNITION AND DRAGGING RYAN BY HIS EAR BACK HOME AND LOCKING HIM (BY HIMSELF, WITH NO GIRLS) IN THE POOL HOUSE UNTIL HE CALMED THE HELL DOWN. But -- hey -- that's just conservative old me. ;)
I am a pretty conservative person -- religiously, politically, in my life as a wife and mom. I did earn my college degree at San Francisco State University, though. And most of my teachers at that storied institution, and many of my friends, were pretty (extremely ?) liberal. In watching "The O.C." I have been reminded of my experience in college and the things I learned to appreciate there from those who embraced the more "progressive" view of things.
One of the main characters in "The O.C." is a man named Sandy Cohen. He is a Jewish, Berkeley-educated public defender married to a beautiful, kind, very wealthy Protestant woman. These two have a 16-year-old son, Seth, who is rather socially awkward, but has great potential for a certain romantic coolness. The premise of the show is that, in the course of doing his job, Sandy comes across an enigmatic, soulful young man (Ryan Atwood) who has run afoul of the law (albeit, rather unintentionally). Seeing the goodness in this young man, Sandy doesn't want to leave him to the whims and vagaries of "the system," so he brings the teenager home to live with his family in a monied area of Orange County.
Throughout the four seasons of "The O.C.", Sandy faces many situations -- with Ryan and Seth, with his wife, in his work and community -- which challenge him and necessitate a response. He is not a perfect man and doesn't always make perfect decisions, but the humanity with which this character responds to both people and situations reflect what I consider to be the true beauty of liberal values.
First of all, in bringing Ryan home, Sandy personifies the liberal value of reaching out to the less fortunate. Of seeing the true potential in someone who has been treated rather harshly by life -- unstable family situation, low socioeconomic status, sub-par schools. He is willing to give that person a chance to see what he can really do with his life. And Sandy doesn't give up on Ryan when he makes poor decisions at times. He encourages Ryan to reflect on and rectify situations in which he hasn't handled himself properly. Sandy trusts Ryan, when all is said and done, to do what is right. He trusts in that people are, generally speaking, created to be good.
Which leads me to the next "liberal value" I see Sandy Cohen putting into action. And that is the value of withholding judgment when someone (especially a young someone) screws up -- allowing that person to learn from his mistakes without humiliation. Having hope that the person will, in fact, go on to be better for the experiences he has had. Throughout my education, the liberals in my life gave me confidence, because they gave me the freedom to try things out -- both actions and ideas -- in order that I could learn and figure things out for myself. I tried to make good decisions; but, of course, I wasn't always successful in that effort. And when I made mistakes, I didn't feel condemnation from these progressives. Instead, I felt compassion and understanding. This compassion and understanding gave me the strength I needed to pick myself up and move on. The sense of freedom and trust these individuals gave me also allowed me to express myself with sincerity, instead of making me feel I had to conform to a certain way of thinking out of fear that I would be rejected. And in being able to express what I truly felt, I was able to "shake out" my ideas -- test them among different people and in various situations, to see if they would truly hold up. And this is what I see in the interaction of the Sandy and Ryan (and Sandy and Seth) characters.
Sandy Cohen also embraces the best of liberal thought in his religious outlook and community life. One of my favorite episodes centers around the Jewish celebration of Passover in the Cohen household. At the Sedar meal, Sandy leads the prayer. As part of the prayer, he calls to mind an individual's and family's obligation to society -- both in the smaller community and larger world. And this character does put that idea into practice throughout all the seasons of the show. He struggles against the temptations of selfish individualism and material greed, always attempting to do what is truly the right thing for people and society. Even if it costs him personally.
Of course, Sandy Cohen -- progressive maverick -- at times does things much differently as a parent than I would. I would never be making peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for my 18-year-old son so that he could go off to Vegas for New Year's Eve to have sex with his 18-year-old girlfriend. (Knowing Sandy as I do, I must say that he probably sneaked some condoms into that cooler, along with the sandwiches). I also would never give my handsome, charming stepson his own pool house, equipped with a king-sized bed made up with satin sheets and fluffy pillows. And one of my favorite scenes -- I love it especially because it is something I would NEVER do -- is when Ryan is going off on one of his missions of vengeance. In the COHENS' RANGE ROVER, of all things. And Sandy is standing calmly by the open driver's side window, trying to calmly talk Ryan out of his insane plan. And Ryan drives away. And Sandy calmly lets him. I WOULD BE FREAKING DIVING INTO THAT WINDOW AND REMOVING THE KEYS FROM THE IGNITION AND DRAGGING RYAN BY HIS EAR BACK HOME AND LOCKING HIM (BY HIMSELF, WITH NO GIRLS) IN THE POOL HOUSE UNTIL HE CALMED THE HELL DOWN. But -- hey -- that's just conservative old me. ;)
Friday, August 24, 2012
King David, The Pool House, And The Big, Comfy Bed
It is Friday. I am in a celebratory mood. And I am just going to have fun writing this crazy-ass post. ;-)
As I have said before, my daughters and I are engaged in the endeavor of watching The O.C. This is a TV show which ran for four seasons starting in 2003. And, yes, I am quite behind in my television watching. The main character is a young man of 17 named Ryan Atwood (played by a 20-something Ben McKenzie). Ryan is truly a King David-type character (but, that is another post), though possessing a rather troubled past. He is taken in by the family of his public defender after a scrape with the law. The public defender makes no money, of course, but is married to a fabulously wealthy woman, with whom he has one son who is the same age as Ryan. Thus, they all come live together in the very upscale community of Newport Beach in Orange County.
When Ryan arrives at his new home, the mother of the family decides that he will take up residence in the pool house. When the doors to the pool house are opened, we see, in the middle of the room, a giant comfy bed -- made up with masculine linens and all sorts of fluffy pillows. Uh-huh. If I was the mother in this household, there is no possible way I would put my new, handsome, 17-year-old, King David-like, worldly-wise stepson all by himself in a pool house with this big, wondrous bed right smack dab in the center of it. ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? Perhaps I am just narrow-minded, but anyway....
As the story of Ryan and his new family and friends unfolds, I have come to see this bed being used to indicate the status of this boy's relationships with all the different characters, and also his own moods. Fascinating. Everything revolves around the bed. If Ryan is feeling lonely, he reclines by himself in a mopey mood on the bed. If he has decided that life must take a more serious turn and he is thinking about his future, he is seen studying on the bed. If he is not feeling so close with his girlfriend, they sit on the edge of the bed; and if he is feeling closer to her, of course they make out on the bed atop all the fluffy pillows. With a platonic friend, a closer relationship is indicated if they talk on the bed together; more distance is reflected if Ryan is sitting on the bed and his friend on the floor or a nearby chair. A tentative new relationship with a girl might be illustrated by both of them sitting on the floor at the foot of the bed, perhaps playing a video game. When the girl that Ryan gets pregnant comes to reside with this family for a while, she is given the pool house to stay in and the big, comfy bed to sleep in, with Ryan being moved into the main house (where I personally would have put him in the first place; but, then nobody would have watched the show). You see her -- a very beautiful young woman -- through the windows of this lovely structure, making the bed. Meanwhile, Ryan and his current girlfriend sit together outside, with Ryan looking, understandably, concerned (drastic understatement here). The visual effect of this scene shows us and causes us to feel the pain of Ryan's situation in a way that 1000 words never could. And when Ryan leaves his happy new community to go back to his hometown with the pregnant girl, because he feels it is his duty to do so, the image of the mother of the family stripping this bed while crying many tears is stunning -- leaving the audience to grasp fully the impact Ryan has had among the people who have come to love him. He eventually does return, but during his absence, there are shots of the bed with the blankets and sheets carefully folded at the foot of it. A stark illustration of a heartbreaking situation.
Maybe I am imagining this whole thing, through the oft-strange workings of my mind, but I don't think so. I believe what I am seeing is some delightful creativity and compelling story-telling. And I tip my hat to the creators, producers, writers, and actors of The O.C. Kudos!!!
As I have said before, my daughters and I are engaged in the endeavor of watching The O.C. This is a TV show which ran for four seasons starting in 2003. And, yes, I am quite behind in my television watching. The main character is a young man of 17 named Ryan Atwood (played by a 20-something Ben McKenzie). Ryan is truly a King David-type character (but, that is another post), though possessing a rather troubled past. He is taken in by the family of his public defender after a scrape with the law. The public defender makes no money, of course, but is married to a fabulously wealthy woman, with whom he has one son who is the same age as Ryan. Thus, they all come live together in the very upscale community of Newport Beach in Orange County.
When Ryan arrives at his new home, the mother of the family decides that he will take up residence in the pool house. When the doors to the pool house are opened, we see, in the middle of the room, a giant comfy bed -- made up with masculine linens and all sorts of fluffy pillows. Uh-huh. If I was the mother in this household, there is no possible way I would put my new, handsome, 17-year-old, King David-like, worldly-wise stepson all by himself in a pool house with this big, wondrous bed right smack dab in the center of it. ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? Perhaps I am just narrow-minded, but anyway....
As the story of Ryan and his new family and friends unfolds, I have come to see this bed being used to indicate the status of this boy's relationships with all the different characters, and also his own moods. Fascinating. Everything revolves around the bed. If Ryan is feeling lonely, he reclines by himself in a mopey mood on the bed. If he has decided that life must take a more serious turn and he is thinking about his future, he is seen studying on the bed. If he is not feeling so close with his girlfriend, they sit on the edge of the bed; and if he is feeling closer to her, of course they make out on the bed atop all the fluffy pillows. With a platonic friend, a closer relationship is indicated if they talk on the bed together; more distance is reflected if Ryan is sitting on the bed and his friend on the floor or a nearby chair. A tentative new relationship with a girl might be illustrated by both of them sitting on the floor at the foot of the bed, perhaps playing a video game. When the girl that Ryan gets pregnant comes to reside with this family for a while, she is given the pool house to stay in and the big, comfy bed to sleep in, with Ryan being moved into the main house (where I personally would have put him in the first place; but, then nobody would have watched the show). You see her -- a very beautiful young woman -- through the windows of this lovely structure, making the bed. Meanwhile, Ryan and his current girlfriend sit together outside, with Ryan looking, understandably, concerned (drastic understatement here). The visual effect of this scene shows us and causes us to feel the pain of Ryan's situation in a way that 1000 words never could. And when Ryan leaves his happy new community to go back to his hometown with the pregnant girl, because he feels it is his duty to do so, the image of the mother of the family stripping this bed while crying many tears is stunning -- leaving the audience to grasp fully the impact Ryan has had among the people who have come to love him. He eventually does return, but during his absence, there are shots of the bed with the blankets and sheets carefully folded at the foot of it. A stark illustration of a heartbreaking situation.
Maybe I am imagining this whole thing, through the oft-strange workings of my mind, but I don't think so. I believe what I am seeing is some delightful creativity and compelling story-telling. And I tip my hat to the creators, producers, writers, and actors of The O.C. Kudos!!!
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