The Having Of Teenagers -- Part 2

I know my last post on this topic of having teenagers was a bit rambling, but I just had to figure out a way to tell and comment on that story about the kid and his coffee cake wishes.

This post will probably be a bit briefer and more to the point.  Maybe.

First of all, people living with other people is always problematic.  Because people are problematic.  There are times when I think it would be lovely to have my own studio apartment with a murphy bed and shiny hardwood floors.  There would be nothing in it except the bare essentials and my Mac.  And I think we all wish this sort of thing from time to time.  Do we actually want it to happen?  Nah.  It's just that people living with people has its stresses, as well as its rewards, no matter how much you love each other.

And so it is if you have teenagers.  It's going to get stressful.  But, it can also be a lot of fun.

How can we make it fun?

It starts when they're little, as I said before.  Have fun together, enjoy life together, but make it clear that you are in charge.  If you say something, it goes.  It doesn't have to be a fight.  You can be friendly about it.

For example, if you are in the park and it's time to go home:
     Mom:  You have five more minutes to do what you want to do and then it's time to go home.
     *Five Minutes Pass (Or ten. When they are three, they really have no idea.)*
     Mom:  (in a friendly, yet firm, voice) We are leaving now.
     Children:  (whining) Can't we stay just five more minutes!?!?!?  Pleeeeease!?!?!?
     Mom: (calmly walking over, picking up the youngest child, fully expecting the others to follow) We are leaving now.

If you do this, each and every time, it will work.  I think.  You just have to be consistent.  And calm.  And firm.

And if you start this with your toddlers and your pre-schoolers, things will probably progress rather smoothly as your children head toward adolescence.

Then, one day, your adolescent child (especially if said child is a girl) will roll her eyes at you when you ask her to do something quite reasonable.  Do not lose your temper.  Just smile mischievously and take her picture with your iPhone.  I actually did this (though not with an iPhone, as they weren't invented yet) and my daughter started to laugh.  Calmly re-assert what you want your child to do and expect that she will do it.  Of course, before you make your request, you have to take your child's personality and state-of-mind and mood into consideration.  Don't set yourself up for failure.  Set yourself up for success.  It is best to make requests of your child when she is not feeling exhausted and overwhelmed with life.  Because -- let's face it -- teens these days do have a lot of pressure.  One mother told me that her child was told to take the SAT at least three times and to fill out a minimum of ten college applications.  No wonder so many of them are on anti-depressants (the moms and the teens).  So, start by making small, reasonable requests when your child is in a good mood and not in the middle of a term paper.  That way, she will get used to cooperating with you in a pleasant way.

In this vein, do not ever fight with your teenagers.  Don't get into shouting matches.  Don't threaten.  Just don't do it.  You will lose.  Every time.  They have way more energy than you do.  They can come up with clever plans to get around you.  They have friends who will collude with them against you.  Even if they are homeschooled.

How to not fight?

Firstly, listen to your teen without judging.  Kids like to tell you things, even when they are teens and young adults, if you don't judge them and what they're saying.  So, if your teen is telling you her opinion that short hair on guys is better than long hair on guys -- which is a totally screwed up opinion, in my opinion -- it is best just to listen.  Or if your son is telling you that if he doesn't get into college, he has figured out a way to live independently on minimum wage, just hear him out.  My husband once said to me something like this, "The kids tell you all kinds of crazy things, and you don't say anything."  "Well," I replied, "they will eventually figure out most of these things for themselves."

Does this mean you should never say anything?  Of course not.  My Bridget and I have had many discussions about the hair of Thor versus the hair of Captain America.  But, this is the thing.  You have to gauge the state-of-mind of your child when she starts talking.  Is it time to have a mutual discussion or to just be a listening ear?  If in doubt, go with the listening ear.

Secondly, do not micromanage your teens.  Nobody likes to be micromanaged.  Keep your expectations simple and basic, such as:  have good personal hygiene, pass your classes, speak politely to your parents and siblings, don't date douche-bags, no sex, no illegal drugs, drive in a legal manner.  Keep your requests reasonable, too.  For example, I have always thought a strict curfew was lame.  But, on the other hand, I had to know where my kids were going, with whom, and by when they would be home.  The time I expected them to arrive home depended on the activity.  And I expected them to call if their plans changed or they were going to be late.  And if they gave me a bad time about these reasonable things, I would calmly explain how they were reasonable things and what could happen if they did not do them.  These kinds of discussions evolved over time -- starting from when they were in grade school -- so, my expectations were no big shock when they became teenagers.  (Confession:  Even now, even though they are in their 20's, these rules still apply.  They will apply until my kids get places of their own.  Because I cannot sleep if I don't know where they are.  I start imagining them being kidnapped.  Yes, this is idiotic.  But, it's the way it is and the price for living at home with a mother who gets slightly anxious even though she tries not to.  Did I say "slightly?"  My kids would probably laugh at my use of that word.  They are patient with me, though.  Most of the time, anyway.)

Thirdly, and probably most important, enjoy your teens and let them see that you are a "cool" person.  By "cool," I don't mean that you have to take Metal Class on Mondays (like Chris Bruno) -- although that is very cool.  You don't have to act like a teen yourself, because -- frankly -- that will just embarrass your teens.  But, be the kind of parent whose teenagers will enjoy having their friends over to your house.  My kids have lots of parties with their friends at my house -- even though they aren't teens, anymore.  And their friends seem to enjoy coming over here.  Probably because we let them drink beer (now that they are of age).  We even buy their friends beer sometimes.  And, sometimes, their friends buy the beer.  They even let my husband and I attend the parties and have some beer, too.  Let me say, though, that nobody -- EVER -- gets drunk.  That would quickly end the parties, and my kids know it.

I guess I have digressed a bit -- in talking about beer parties -- from the topic of teenagers.  For whom you should never, ever buy beer.

And while we are on the topic of enjoying your teens -- now that I am done digressing -- maybe it is worth it to discuss the issue of TV and movies.  These things often cause conflict among parents and teens.  For example, Mom might want to watch "Magic Mike" and her kids might think it is inappropriate.  Well, Mom, it is time to assert your parental authority here.  Or Mom might want to watch "SouthLAnd" and her kids might think it is too violent.  Again, time to assert the parental authority, and -- if your teen is female -- point out the hotness of Ben McKenzie, thus luring her in and making her your "SouthLAnd" buddy.  My point being?  If you don't act all judgmental about your kids' TV shows and movies, they won't act all judgmental about yours.  And if you want your kids to watch your stuff with you, it is important that you watch their stuff with them.  And then talk about their stuff with them in a friendly, non-threatening way.  Here are some possible discussion questions that you can use when discussing TV shows and movies with your kids:
     1.  How come the Rules For Being A Vampire are different in each vampire show?
     2.  How come it is taking Charlie so damn long to propose to Amita?
     3.  How come some actors don't mind showing us their bums and some do?
     4.  Do you think this role is more or less likely to cause the paparazzi to show up at Shawn Hatosy's house?
     5.  How do you like the way the abortion issue is handled by the writers of "The O.C."?
     6.  How many sexually transmitted diseases do you suppose Ben Sherman has?
     7.  When did Neil Patrick Harris suddenly become hot?
     8.  Who is Channing Tatum?
     9.  What do you suppose would happen if you spent hours upon hours locked up in a pool house alone with Ryan Atwood?  Would this be good sense?
    10.  Did Sammy steal the money from the bank robbery?  If he did, is that actually such a bad thing?
    11.  Is the guy who plays Jim in "The Office" more or less of a douche in real life than the guy who plays Dwight?
    12.  Was Joss Whedon's "Much Ado About Nothing" the most rockin' thing you ever saw, or what?
    13.  What was your favorite scene in Joss Whedon's "Much Ado About Nothing"?
    14.  How is Hollywood's representation of gay characters, of sexuality, of women's rights the same as, or different from, what others in the homeschool community might have you believe?
    15.  Should they have killed off Marissa or let her and Ryan live happily-ever-after?  How did the killing off of Marissa affect your opinion of how Hollywood might affect the souls of young actors?

So, I guess we have now discovered whether or not I would be briefer and more to the point today.

Definitely not.

I hope, though, that you have been entertained by this post.  At least a little bit.  And I hope that, perhaps, you have gotten something out of it that is helpful to you, or will someday be helpful to you. 

And I want you to know that I really appreciate the time you have taken to read my meandering ramblings. ;-)           





       

Asthma Attacks and Holiday Decor

I have not blogged much this week, as things got a bit out-of-hand. 

This past Tuesday, my Bridget went off to work, as per usual.  I guess there was a stinky smell permeating the office, so one of her co-workers decided to spray some ammonia-based air freshener all around the place.  Causing Bridget to have one heck of an asthma attack.  She called me to come pick her up around mid-morning, and her boss and doctor gave her orders not to return to the job until this coming Monday. 

Those of you who are aquainted with Bridget know that she is a very fun person.  She is full of joyful enthusiasm and creativity.  And I have been having a great time hanging out with her all week.

The first couple of days she was at home were kind of low-key, since she was feeling pretty crappy.  We drank Starbucks coffee.  We watched "Numb3rs" -- also known in our household as "The Colby Granger Show."  Colby Granger is one of the best characters ever created for a TV show.  Colby runs fast and knocks people down and shoots a really big gun and drives FBI vehicles in a daring way.  He is also very funny, if you are paying attention.  He is played by Dylan Bruno.  I don't know anything about Dylan Bruno, except that he has a really nice older brother named Chris.  Chris obviously taught Dylan everything he knows about being funny and knocking people down.

But, I digress.

After a couple of days, Bridget started to feel better.  And that enthusiastic, creative mind started looking for ways to stay entertained.  So, she began teaching me about theology -- how Jesus is a divine person and how the Holy Spirit is spirated.  She worked on the quilt she is making for a friend's wedding.  She scrap-booked.  And she came up with a nefarious plot to decorate our house for the holidays.

Those of you who are aquainted with me know that I do not decorate.  I do like to put up the Christmas tree, but that is about it.  To me, decorating the house for the holidays means that you are just going to have to un-decorate it again and somehow figure out what to do with all the decorations for the remaining 11 months of the year.  Decorating also means that you have to clean the house and get all the dust and grime off the surfaces that are to be decorated. 

Bridget, though, does not see eye-to-eye with me on this issue.  So, off we went to the craft store and the fabric store, where we purchased some shiny baubles and paper and ribbons and other decorative doo-dads.  And Bridget went-to-town.

All the pictures on our walls are now wrapped in Christmas paper and ribbons, so it looks as though Christmas gifts are hanging on all of our home's vertical surfaces.  There are vases filled with gleaming silver, gold, and red holiday "stuff" in our living room and family room.  There are turkey-shaped place cards forming on the dining room table, in anticipation of our annual Thanksgiving dinner.  A dinner which has never before featured place cards.  Some sort of silver garland is being planned for the hearth.  There is glitter on the sofa. 

And it is all so much fun!  My decorating cynicism is being stripped away.  Of course, I would never do any of this if left to my own devices.  So, when it comes time for Bridget to fly away from the nest, Christmas gifts will not be seen hanging on any of my walls come December.  For now, though, I admit that I am greatly enjoying the festive atmosphere and watching my not-so-little girl happily put the house into a proper holiday mood.

I can't say that I'm at all glad Bridget had that asthma attack.  But, all-in-all, she did take the lemons which were handed to her this past week and turn them into one hell of a pitcher of spiked lemonade...

How I Came To Watch "SouthLAnd"

Since I often refer to the TV show SouthLAnd in this blog, I figured I would explain how I came to watch it.  I don't know if this is interesting to you, but it is fun for me to talk about.

There is this very kind actor I follow on Twitter.  His name is Chris Bruno.  Back in January, I think it was, he was a guest star on SouthLAnd, so he tweeted something like, "I will be appearing on SouthLAnd tonight.  If you have time, you can watch it.  But, don't blink."  I thought his request was just so humble and self-effacing that I decided to watch the show.  I thought it was going to be about The South.  You know, like Tennessee or Mississippi or Alabama.  Imagine my surprise when it was a show about the LAPD.  I guess that explains the "LA" in "SouthLAnd".  Yeah.  I can be pretty dense sometimes.

I have now watched all the episodes of SouthLAnd, but this particular episode came in the middle of Season 4.  My children, after watching the series with me, have come to the conclusion that this was the most violent episode of them all.  I cannot disagree.

So, anyway, I turn on the show and I see the following things:  First.  A crazed woman in an old nightgown and bathrobe waving a knife.  A lady cop goes to tackle her.  Freeze frame.  But, you know nothing good is going to result.  Second.  Cute blond dude in bed with two ladies, who has to leap out of a second floor window when the husband of one of the ladies arrives home unexpectedly.  To his credit, this dude apparently did not know the lady was married.  At first, I do not know this young man is a cop, but later in the show, I learn that he is one of the main cop characters.  He then has to work hard to win me over, as I am not immediately impressed.  (Also, I do not personally understand why two women would want to share one guy.  I guess it's because I am Italian.  We do not share our guys.)  At this point I am thinking, "Chris, you are apparently a wonderful person.  But, WHAT IN THE HELL KIND OF SHOW IS THIS???"  And the grand finale of the episode?  A very large tattooed man viciously attacking one of the heroic police officers by knocking him over and latching his teeth onto said officer's neck.  They struggle for what seems like an eternity.  We are left not knowing what will be the fate of this obviously epic law enforcement official.  In the midst of all this action is Chris Bruno's scene, which is a lot of fun.  He plays a cop who has just put several bad guys out of commission, all by himself, using kick-ass martial arts skills.  Yes, perhaps he broke a few cop rules.  But, all's fair in love and war.  Right?

The episode ended.  I thought, "Well.  It was fun to see Chris Bruno.  But, I am DONE with watching SouthLAnd."  The following week came around, though, and SouthLAnd was going to be on that night.  I couldn't help but wonder what was going to be the fate of the neck-bite victim.  Evening came.  I turned on the set.  And, so, there you have it.  Each week, I told myself that I was finished with this "dark and gritty" show.  Then, the next week would roll around, and I couldn't help but wonder what was going to happen next.  And, to be fair, I stopped seeing the show as being "dark and gritty."  The characters gained my sympathy and the writing is extremely compelling, providing a lot of food for thought.  The production value is also top-notch.   I finished watching Season 4 of SouthLAnd, and then proceeded to watch all the other episodes of all the other seasons.  Can't wait for Season 5.  Coming in 2013.  

The OC -- Selling Teen Sex, Or Not?

Have you seen The OC? Yes, I am way behind on my television watching. Recently, though, I have been watching this fascinating show in the company of my 22 and 23 year old daughters. It concerns a group of friends and relatives living in the wealthy conclave of Newport Beach who are visited upon by a young man from Chino named Ryan Atwood. Ryan is thoughtful, a little haunted, worldly-wise, sensitive, and, yes, a hottie. He could also be the U.S. Ambassador to Iran, so sensible and skilled at bringing together warring factions he is.

Anyway, you have this dude Ryan making his way around Newport in his white tanks, with other attractive youths, both male and female, swarming around him and so -- here comes the teen sex.

Now, many people would say this show sells teen sex. You have all these very attractive "teens" -- most of whom are actually played by people in their 20's -- in various sexual situations. Sometimes making out. Sometimes more than making out. Kind of appealing to a 16-year-old, right? I mean, I have never seen anyone plant one onscreen like that Ryan person. Except for Chris Bruno in "The Last Of The Romantics", which is probably the sweetest movie kiss ever. But, I digress.

When you really look at what happens, though, could this show actually be doing the opposite of selling teen sex? Ryan gets a beautiful girl pregnant and she tells him the baby is not his so that he will go to college and have a bright future. She is a strong and selfless person, who really shows that there is some true love for him in her heart. He is strong and selfless, too, willing to give up his plans to be with her. And so we are shown that teen sex is not without consequences -- serious consequences. And then we have the sweet couple -- Seth and Summer -- who also really love each other and decide to have sex. Which is pretty much an unromantic disaster in the beginning. Very REAL. There are also Luke and Marissa. She loses her virginity to him, which makes all the difficulties in their relationship and their eventual break-up just that much harder to bear. I mean, let's face it, teens are emotional creatures just learning to form romantic relationships. Sex is like throwing gas on the fire, and The OC illustrates that in a powerful and human way.

And there is also all the talk about condoms in The OC. As you see, I am giving this subject its very own paragraph. The show's writers are trying to be responsible, I presume, by incorporating the subject of condom usage into the characters' sexual activities. Summer asks Seth if he has a condom on him, for example, before they have their first intimate encounter -- the encounter that ends up being an epic disaster. So, you can look at it this way. Two teenagers. Trying to figure out how to make love for the first time, while simultaneously attempting proper condom usage in the midst of it all. Yeah.

Thanks for taking the time to read this, and for considering this possibility:  Ryan Atwood -- The Anti-Teen-Sex God. And Ambassador to Iran??? ;-)