The Having Of Teenagers -- Part 2

I know my last post on this topic of having teenagers was a bit rambling, but I just had to figure out a way to tell and comment on that story about the kid and his coffee cake wishes.

This post will probably be a bit briefer and more to the point.  Maybe.

First of all, people living with other people is always problematic.  Because people are problematic.  There are times when I think it would be lovely to have my own studio apartment with a murphy bed and shiny hardwood floors.  There would be nothing in it except the bare essentials and my Mac.  And I think we all wish this sort of thing from time to time.  Do we actually want it to happen?  Nah.  It's just that people living with people has its stresses, as well as its rewards, no matter how much you love each other.

And so it is if you have teenagers.  It's going to get stressful.  But, it can also be a lot of fun.

How can we make it fun?

It starts when they're little, as I said before.  Have fun together, enjoy life together, but make it clear that you are in charge.  If you say something, it goes.  It doesn't have to be a fight.  You can be friendly about it.

For example, if you are in the park and it's time to go home:
     Mom:  You have five more minutes to do what you want to do and then it's time to go home.
     *Five Minutes Pass (Or ten. When they are three, they really have no idea.)*
     Mom:  (in a friendly, yet firm, voice) We are leaving now.
     Children:  (whining) Can't we stay just five more minutes!?!?!?  Pleeeeease!?!?!?
     Mom: (calmly walking over, picking up the youngest child, fully expecting the others to follow) We are leaving now.

If you do this, each and every time, it will work.  I think.  You just have to be consistent.  And calm.  And firm.

And if you start this with your toddlers and your pre-schoolers, things will probably progress rather smoothly as your children head toward adolescence.

Then, one day, your adolescent child (especially if said child is a girl) will roll her eyes at you when you ask her to do something quite reasonable.  Do not lose your temper.  Just smile mischievously and take her picture with your iPhone.  I actually did this (though not with an iPhone, as they weren't invented yet) and my daughter started to laugh.  Calmly re-assert what you want your child to do and expect that she will do it.  Of course, before you make your request, you have to take your child's personality and state-of-mind and mood into consideration.  Don't set yourself up for failure.  Set yourself up for success.  It is best to make requests of your child when she is not feeling exhausted and overwhelmed with life.  Because -- let's face it -- teens these days do have a lot of pressure.  One mother told me that her child was told to take the SAT at least three times and to fill out a minimum of ten college applications.  No wonder so many of them are on anti-depressants (the moms and the teens).  So, start by making small, reasonable requests when your child is in a good mood and not in the middle of a term paper.  That way, she will get used to cooperating with you in a pleasant way.

In this vein, do not ever fight with your teenagers.  Don't get into shouting matches.  Don't threaten.  Just don't do it.  You will lose.  Every time.  They have way more energy than you do.  They can come up with clever plans to get around you.  They have friends who will collude with them against you.  Even if they are homeschooled.

How to not fight?

Firstly, listen to your teen without judging.  Kids like to tell you things, even when they are teens and young adults, if you don't judge them and what they're saying.  So, if your teen is telling you her opinion that short hair on guys is better than long hair on guys -- which is a totally screwed up opinion, in my opinion -- it is best just to listen.  Or if your son is telling you that if he doesn't get into college, he has figured out a way to live independently on minimum wage, just hear him out.  My husband once said to me something like this, "The kids tell you all kinds of crazy things, and you don't say anything."  "Well," I replied, "they will eventually figure out most of these things for themselves."

Does this mean you should never say anything?  Of course not.  My Bridget and I have had many discussions about the hair of Thor versus the hair of Captain America.  But, this is the thing.  You have to gauge the state-of-mind of your child when she starts talking.  Is it time to have a mutual discussion or to just be a listening ear?  If in doubt, go with the listening ear.

Secondly, do not micromanage your teens.  Nobody likes to be micromanaged.  Keep your expectations simple and basic, such as:  have good personal hygiene, pass your classes, speak politely to your parents and siblings, don't date douche-bags, no sex, no illegal drugs, drive in a legal manner.  Keep your requests reasonable, too.  For example, I have always thought a strict curfew was lame.  But, on the other hand, I had to know where my kids were going, with whom, and by when they would be home.  The time I expected them to arrive home depended on the activity.  And I expected them to call if their plans changed or they were going to be late.  And if they gave me a bad time about these reasonable things, I would calmly explain how they were reasonable things and what could happen if they did not do them.  These kinds of discussions evolved over time -- starting from when they were in grade school -- so, my expectations were no big shock when they became teenagers.  (Confession:  Even now, even though they are in their 20's, these rules still apply.  They will apply until my kids get places of their own.  Because I cannot sleep if I don't know where they are.  I start imagining them being kidnapped.  Yes, this is idiotic.  But, it's the way it is and the price for living at home with a mother who gets slightly anxious even though she tries not to.  Did I say "slightly?"  My kids would probably laugh at my use of that word.  They are patient with me, though.  Most of the time, anyway.)

Thirdly, and probably most important, enjoy your teens and let them see that you are a "cool" person.  By "cool," I don't mean that you have to take Metal Class on Mondays (like Chris Bruno) -- although that is very cool.  You don't have to act like a teen yourself, because -- frankly -- that will just embarrass your teens.  But, be the kind of parent whose teenagers will enjoy having their friends over to your house.  My kids have lots of parties with their friends at my house -- even though they aren't teens, anymore.  And their friends seem to enjoy coming over here.  Probably because we let them drink beer (now that they are of age).  We even buy their friends beer sometimes.  And, sometimes, their friends buy the beer.  They even let my husband and I attend the parties and have some beer, too.  Let me say, though, that nobody -- EVER -- gets drunk.  That would quickly end the parties, and my kids know it.

I guess I have digressed a bit -- in talking about beer parties -- from the topic of teenagers.  For whom you should never, ever buy beer.

And while we are on the topic of enjoying your teens -- now that I am done digressing -- maybe it is worth it to discuss the issue of TV and movies.  These things often cause conflict among parents and teens.  For example, Mom might want to watch "Magic Mike" and her kids might think it is inappropriate.  Well, Mom, it is time to assert your parental authority here.  Or Mom might want to watch "SouthLAnd" and her kids might think it is too violent.  Again, time to assert the parental authority, and -- if your teen is female -- point out the hotness of Ben McKenzie, thus luring her in and making her your "SouthLAnd" buddy.  My point being?  If you don't act all judgmental about your kids' TV shows and movies, they won't act all judgmental about yours.  And if you want your kids to watch your stuff with you, it is important that you watch their stuff with them.  And then talk about their stuff with them in a friendly, non-threatening way.  Here are some possible discussion questions that you can use when discussing TV shows and movies with your kids:
     1.  How come the Rules For Being A Vampire are different in each vampire show?
     2.  How come it is taking Charlie so damn long to propose to Amita?
     3.  How come some actors don't mind showing us their bums and some do?
     4.  Do you think this role is more or less likely to cause the paparazzi to show up at Shawn Hatosy's house?
     5.  How do you like the way the abortion issue is handled by the writers of "The O.C."?
     6.  How many sexually transmitted diseases do you suppose Ben Sherman has?
     7.  When did Neil Patrick Harris suddenly become hot?
     8.  Who is Channing Tatum?
     9.  What do you suppose would happen if you spent hours upon hours locked up in a pool house alone with Ryan Atwood?  Would this be good sense?
    10.  Did Sammy steal the money from the bank robbery?  If he did, is that actually such a bad thing?
    11.  Is the guy who plays Jim in "The Office" more or less of a douche in real life than the guy who plays Dwight?
    12.  Was Joss Whedon's "Much Ado About Nothing" the most rockin' thing you ever saw, or what?
    13.  What was your favorite scene in Joss Whedon's "Much Ado About Nothing"?
    14.  How is Hollywood's representation of gay characters, of sexuality, of women's rights the same as, or different from, what others in the homeschool community might have you believe?
    15.  Should they have killed off Marissa or let her and Ryan live happily-ever-after?  How did the killing off of Marissa affect your opinion of how Hollywood might affect the souls of young actors?

So, I guess we have now discovered whether or not I would be briefer and more to the point today.

Definitely not.

I hope, though, that you have been entertained by this post.  At least a little bit.  And I hope that, perhaps, you have gotten something out of it that is helpful to you, or will someday be helpful to you. 

And I want you to know that I really appreciate the time you have taken to read my meandering ramblings. ;-)           





       

Ben Sherman -- Epilogue, Part 2

AFRICA, THREE YEARS LATER

It is already hot as the sun rises up over the valley in the middle of this ancient continent.  This ancient continent where families and lives were once ripped apart by those who thought bartering in humans was a God-given right. This ancient continent full of a multiplicity of cultures.  War-ravaged in some places, disease-ridden in others, but full of great beauty and majesty and life.  Life wild and free, alongside life shackled and oppressed.  Great poverty and great riches, sometimes in one place.

She lies next to me -- this woman, my woman -- breathing softly.  Her skin soft and brown and warm.  The dark curls of her hair gently brushing my shoulder.  Her belly swollen with the child.  Breasts full and ready to give milk to a new babe.  Soon he will come.  Or she.  I don't know.  The woman -- the lovely woman whom I love -- doesn't want to know, so the decision is made.   We will be surprised.  Isn't life just one long surprise, anyway?  We plan, God laughs -- isn't that what they say?

Who knew,  almost three years ago, that my life would come to this?   Who knew that my life would come to anything?   Fuck 'em all, I thought to myself back then.  Sammy and Cooper, Brooke -- fuck 'em all.

They were rather awkward, those initial days after my confrontation with Sammy.  I mean, we couldn't work together, anymore.  Not one more day.  Sammy pulled some strings, got us new partners.  Not too many questions were asked.  Hell, I thought.  I'm taking the Detectives' Exam, anyway.  I'll be out of this fuckin' squad car in a few months.  And I should have been.  I got the second highest score ever recorded in the department.  But, the promotion got "held up."  One fuckin' excuse after another.  No one ever said it directly, but I know that fucker Sammy was responsible.  It became clear to me that I was going to be riding in that patrol car forever -- or humpin' the pine.  I had been blackballed -- by the guy who told me that "you always have your partner's back, especially when he's wrong."  That fucker.

And then there was Cooper.  Brought down by his own team, he lived through it all.  But, after all that -- after his own psycho trip -- he still thought he was better than me.  The guy pistol-whips his neighbor, disgraces himself after almost 25 years on the job, and he has the audacity to treat me with disdain when I go visit him.  Maybe I stretched my authority a bit in going after a few bad guys, but they were the BAD GUYS.  Not some Joe Lunch Bucket who couldn't pay his electric bill.

The one bright star amongst all this fucked-up crap?  Elena.  I really did love Elena.  Not like I love the woman who lies next to me now, the woman large with my child.  But, I did love her.  She was the little bit of light in the middle of all my darkness -- as corny as that sounds.  And Brooke knew it, too.  I should have been more careful with Brooke.  Should have taken her unstable behavior more seriously.  I was a cop, after all.  But, I wasn't willing to admit to myself what I knew deep down to be the full extent of her anger, of her hatred.  Because if I admitted that to myself, I would have had to admit that maybe I was a little bit responsible for it.  Yes, she was crazy.  That wasn't my fault.  But, in how I treated her -- in how I screwed around on her -- I probably did tip the scales a bit.  Probably did uncage the beast that was inside of that tiny lady.  And now one lives in an institution, unable to even feed herself.  And one lives in prison.  Elena didn't mean to cause that trauma to Brooke's brain. Brooke, after all, did start the fight.  The fight that ended in a fall when Elena pushed Brooke away from her.  And when a head meets concrete violently, the head doesn't stand much of a chance.  I really didn't think Elena would face prison time.  It seemed a simple matter of self-defense to me.  Evidently, the D.A. saw things differently.  He maintained that Elena used unnecessary force.  And the D.A. prevailed. 

So, that's how it was.  That's where I was.  Trapped in a life I had never anticipated.  Looking for a way out.  The usual escapes -- sex, alcohol -- they weren't doing it, anymore.  And the other cops?  They were polite, professional.  But, they were no longer my comrades.

So, I made a decision.  A decision that involved putting into practice one of the things I had learned from John Cooper -- skimming pills from perps I took into custody.  (Of course, Cooper always denied that he did this.  I never fuckin' believed him, though.  No sane person would.  The guy was a fuckin' addict.  And addicts say whatever they need to say.)  Nobody noticed a few pills missing here and there -- especially when I made sure I was the one to book the things into evidence.  It only took a few months, and I had enough to do what I needed to do.  Kill myself.  You may wonder why I didn't just eat my gun.  Basically, I was too polite for that.  Didn't want anyone to have to clean up after me.  And there were Olivia and Chloe to think about.  And my mother.  Chances were, it would have been one of them who found me.  And I didn't want them to find a bloody mess.  With the pills, it would have been far more peaceful -- for me and for all the rest of 'em.  I go to sleep and they find me that way.  A fuckin' Sleeping Beauty -- guy version.  Except, no kiss could or would have magical powers in this rendition of that classic tale.

To be continued...

How I Came To Watch "SouthLAnd"

Since I often refer to the TV show SouthLAnd in this blog, I figured I would explain how I came to watch it.  I don't know if this is interesting to you, but it is fun for me to talk about.

There is this very kind actor I follow on Twitter.  His name is Chris Bruno.  Back in January, I think it was, he was a guest star on SouthLAnd, so he tweeted something like, "I will be appearing on SouthLAnd tonight.  If you have time, you can watch it.  But, don't blink."  I thought his request was just so humble and self-effacing that I decided to watch the show.  I thought it was going to be about The South.  You know, like Tennessee or Mississippi or Alabama.  Imagine my surprise when it was a show about the LAPD.  I guess that explains the "LA" in "SouthLAnd".  Yeah.  I can be pretty dense sometimes.

I have now watched all the episodes of SouthLAnd, but this particular episode came in the middle of Season 4.  My children, after watching the series with me, have come to the conclusion that this was the most violent episode of them all.  I cannot disagree.

So, anyway, I turn on the show and I see the following things:  First.  A crazed woman in an old nightgown and bathrobe waving a knife.  A lady cop goes to tackle her.  Freeze frame.  But, you know nothing good is going to result.  Second.  Cute blond dude in bed with two ladies, who has to leap out of a second floor window when the husband of one of the ladies arrives home unexpectedly.  To his credit, this dude apparently did not know the lady was married.  At first, I do not know this young man is a cop, but later in the show, I learn that he is one of the main cop characters.  He then has to work hard to win me over, as I am not immediately impressed.  (Also, I do not personally understand why two women would want to share one guy.  I guess it's because I am Italian.  We do not share our guys.)  At this point I am thinking, "Chris, you are apparently a wonderful person.  But, WHAT IN THE HELL KIND OF SHOW IS THIS???"  And the grand finale of the episode?  A very large tattooed man viciously attacking one of the heroic police officers by knocking him over and latching his teeth onto said officer's neck.  They struggle for what seems like an eternity.  We are left not knowing what will be the fate of this obviously epic law enforcement official.  In the midst of all this action is Chris Bruno's scene, which is a lot of fun.  He plays a cop who has just put several bad guys out of commission, all by himself, using kick-ass martial arts skills.  Yes, perhaps he broke a few cop rules.  But, all's fair in love and war.  Right?

The episode ended.  I thought, "Well.  It was fun to see Chris Bruno.  But, I am DONE with watching SouthLAnd."  The following week came around, though, and SouthLAnd was going to be on that night.  I couldn't help but wonder what was going to be the fate of the neck-bite victim.  Evening came.  I turned on the set.  And, so, there you have it.  Each week, I told myself that I was finished with this "dark and gritty" show.  Then, the next week would roll around, and I couldn't help but wonder what was going to happen next.  And, to be fair, I stopped seeing the show as being "dark and gritty."  The characters gained my sympathy and the writing is extremely compelling, providing a lot of food for thought.  The production value is also top-notch.   I finished watching Season 4 of SouthLAnd, and then proceeded to watch all the other episodes of all the other seasons.  Can't wait for Season 5.  Coming in 2013.  

John Cooper And This Catholic Lady

I homeschooled my kids for 15 years, during which I didn't have much time for movies or TV.  And when I did turn something on, it had to be at least pretty kid-friendly, with all my kids gathered round the set.  So, I wouldn't have watched something like SouthLAnd during those years, because I wouldn't have wanted to try to explain why Officer Sherman was in bed with two ladies.  Call me lazy...

The kids grew up, though, and one of them earned a college degree in "Communications Media, With An Emphasis In Entertainment Media".  In short, a "film degree".  Hence, she watched many movies and TV shows while completing her education; and upon her return home after graduation, continued to watch many movies and TV shows in the house.  Thus, I was drawn in.

Through a series of events, involving my daughter's love of a TV show called Numb3rs, Twitter, and a very kind actor named Chris Bruno, I was led to watch SouthLAnd.  YES!  I am going to talk about SouthLAnd again!  But, today I will not be discussing Ben McKenzie's character, but a character named John Cooper, played most excellently by Michael Cudlitz.

John Cooper is an officer in the LAPD.  And he is a gay character.  And he totally changed my idea of Hollywood and the "gay agenda".

As I educated my children, I hung with people who were mostly very conservative in their views.  I am mostly conservative in my views; but I do have kind of a rebel side, as you know if you have been reading my blog.   The prevailing opinion of the people I hung with is that Hollywood is aggressively promoting the gay lifestyle, trying to get us to accept and condone it, threatening us with "white martyrdom" if we don't.  And, I admit, this became my point-of-view as well, even though I never actually watched any movies or TV shows dealing with gay-rights issues or involving gay characters. (And please don't take any of this as a criticism of homeschooling.  All homeschoolers are individuals, and should not be stereotyped.  This is just my personal experience.)

But, as I watched the character of John Cooper in SouthLAnd, I came away with a different view of things.  In this show, the gay man John Cooper is portrayed in a way that could be construed as very Catholic.  He is portrayed, first and foremost, as a man -- a human being.  He is a man of integrity who works hard, is a good friend, is trustworthy and honorable, with his own share of demons (having to do with an addiction to prescription painkillers).  He is a person like any person -- gay or straight.  And his sexual orientation is just part of who he is as a person.  It is not paraded around by the writers of the show in a way that is aggressively promoting any kind of political agenda.  And when, on a police call,  he has to talk to a teenage boy who has just come out of the closet to his parents -- causing a near knock-down, drag-out fight in their home -- he takes the boy outside and gently encourages him to give his parents time to adjust to this new reality in their lives.  He tells the boy that it is a lot for his parents to digest, and encourages him to have patience.  The feelings of the parents are treated with respect by the show's writers -- even though they are not "politically correct" -- through the character of John Cooper, and I was quite touched by this.

So, this has me thinking.  Maybe Hollywood is not necessarily trying to promote a threatening agenda, but is trying to encourage the idea of gay people as human beings, first and foremost.  Perhaps there is a legitimate concern that gay people have been abused by many in our society, including by many Christians, just because they are gay.  We can debate gay marriage and other gay-rights issues.  But, as we do, we need to correctly discern the concerns of those with opposing views.  We need to try to understand those concerns.  And we need to remember that there are human beings at the center of this debate.  Human beings who want to have what we all want to have -- freedom to live their lives without fear and persecution, compassion, friendship, family, and love.  All of us in our society need to pursue truth, but we need to pursue truth in charity.  In ALL things -- charity.