Hate...

... It goes both ways.

And it needs to stop.  Because it hurts us all.  It hurts the hated, the hater, and our whole society.

Here are two stories, which were told to me by two very reliable, very good, very compassionate people.

1.  The first story was told to me by a close friend from the San Francisco Bay Area.  This man has a friend who is a lesbian.  She is married to a lady and they have a child.  For quite a while, they lived in San Francisco, and all was well.  They then moved, in order to be closer to their places of employment.  Since they have lived in their new neighborhood, their tires have been slashed, because of their sexual orientation and their non-traditional family.

2.  The second story was told to me by a close friend from Southern California.  During the Proposition 8 campaign, there was a family who lived in an area that is considered to be rather progressive.  This family had a sign in their front yard, supporting Proposition 8.  And they had their tires slashed. 

Now, I know I am old.  I know I am non-confrontational.  I also like everybody, whatever their opinions may be, as long as they are good people.  What is a good person?  To me, a good person is someone of good-will, someone who is honest and trustworthy.  A good person is someone who treats others well, no matter what the color, creed, sexual orientation, or political perspective of those "others" might be.  A good person has humility.  A good person is compassionate and charitable, striving to overcome the innate selfishness that most of us possess.  I like to be surrounded by these types of people, and I have found them amongst both conservatives and progressives.

And it seems that there are also "haters" amongst both conservatives and progressives.  This just makes me sad.  The thing is, though, there always have been and always will be "haters."  So, what can the rest of us "non-haters" do, in order to overcome this hatred, in order to minimize its impact on our culture?

One thing we can do is learn how to have a discussion.  Please know that I am not claiming to be an expert in having discussions.  But, there are things I have learned along the way to being 50 years old.  Many of these things I learned in the five years I spent at San Francisco State University.  You can learn a lot from going to a school where most of the people are different than you are in their religious/political ideas.  It was quite a beneficial experience for me.  One of the most important lessons I learned was that I didn't have to be afraid of those who were different than I.  I was treated very well and with respect in my interactions with people, even people with whom I had disagreements about various issues.  I also found that most people, on both sides of the fence and everywhere in-between, were interested in achieving the same goals -- goals rooted in the idea of human dignity.  Most of the differences of opinion arose in how to achieve those goals.

So, for whatever it's worth, these are things I have learned about having a discussion.  Do I, myself, always remember to abide by these guidelines?  No.  I misstep plenty of times.  But, I do find that things generally work out better when I follow these principles.  And, no, these ideas probably won't work with true "haters" -- but, I hope most people don't fall into that category.

First of all, in a discussion, assume that the other person is someone of good-will, someone who actually wants to see authentically good things happen in our world, in our country, in our communities, and in our families.

Secondly, don't look at the other person as your "enemy," but rather as a fellow human being, worthy of being treated with respect and dignity.

Third.  Listen.  Really and truly listen to the opinions of the other person.  Try to understand those opinions and where they come from.  Try to find areas of agreement, instead of automatically "jumping on" areas of disagreement.

Fourth. When speaking, don't only give your own opinion, but tell the other person what you like about his/her opinion.  And speak gently.

Fifth.  Be sincere.  You are not there to "shine the other person on," so that he/she will come around to your "correct" way of thinking. 

And my final point, which is related to what I just said, is:  Don't have it as your goal to "win."  It should not be your goal to show that you are right and that the other person is wrong.  It should not be your goal to change the other person's mind.  Your goal should be to make a respectful connection with another person, a connection that might yield some good fruits in our culture.

Now, you may be thinking, "This sounds nice, but it won't actually get anything concrete accomplished.  It's just all touchy-feely, nicey-nicey, hippie thinking."  Perhaps.  But, unless we can start with this, how can we ever come to answers that will yield a better society.  Force probably won't work, even the force of law.  Because if most (and I mean way more than 52% of people) don't believe in an idea, they probably won't respect a law which strives to enforce said idea.  Snarky comments, rude jokes, and name-calling aren't going to yield any concrete solutions, either.  They may feel good, but they usually aren't very effective in building a civil society -- one that is truly based on equality, freedom, and justice for all.

Oh.  One final thought about discussions.  Try to keep a sense of humor, especially -- most especially -- about yourself, your opinions, and your "side."

A Little Reflection

This is just a little reflection about something that I have been... well... reflecting on lately.

There is a wonderful priest at our parish.  He is older, and full of wisdom and life experience.  I love his homilies.  They always leave me feeling peaceful.  A few weeks ago he said (I was so impressed that I wrote it down in my checkbook register during his homily), "Sin is that which causes enmity between people."  And then he said, "War is rooted in sin."

This started me thinking about the wars of the current century, including the so-called "Culture War."  And I wondered if, in this "Culture War," the "issues" that we are all so concerned about are not the things which are of primary importance to us, either as Christians or as people of good will who do not call themselves "Christians."  It hit me that, perhaps, what we need to be concerned about most is the enmity that has arisen in our country among people of differing viewpoints.  Maybe what we need to really pay attention to is the way our opinions -- even about important things -- cause us to view one another and treat one another.  So, if your neighbor -- and I am speaking of "neighbor" in the sense that Jesus did -- is a Democrat and you are a Republican, you need to treat that neighbor with respect and charity.  You need to treat his or her opinions -- which he or she holds as dear as you hold yours -- with respect and charity.  Because, at least according to the wonderful priest who gave this inspiring homily, our sin can be looked upon as having its beginnings in our lack of loving kindness in our attitudes, words, and actions towards others.  Because it is this lack of loving kindness that leads to enmity between people.  It is this lack of loving kindness that leads to war, including "Culture War."

And when the "bad guy downstairs" sees us fighting, full of impatience and intolerance and anger and hate, I bet he is laughing his ugly little ass off.  Because we are playing right into his ugly little hands.  Even when -- and maybe especially if -- we are convinced that our opinions are the morally correct ones.

So, let's pray a little bit for peace.  Peace in our own hearts and minds.  Peace with our neighbor -- whatever his or her religious or political ideology might be.

Pope Francis "The Upstart"

In my family, we have been talking a bit about the new Pope.  He has been doing and saying some interesting things -- things that piss some people off, that make others happy, that mystify many.  He seems to be going in some new directions.  For example, he washed the feet of women when he was first elected, breaking with tradition.  He spoke of how atheists can go to Heaven.  He said that gay people must not be marginalized, and even seemed to accept the idea of gay men being ordained to the priesthood.  And these things make a lot of folks wonder what he is up to.

This is what I think.

First of all, I don't think he is doing anything that is out-of-step with Church teaching, if you really read the Catechism (and the New Testament).

What I think he is doing is reminding us of the true spirit of Christianity, of how Christ actually behaved -- things that some in the Church seem to have forgotten.  Why have they forgotten it?  The last couple of Popes, who I also truly loved, saw a Church that had begun to lose a lot of its tradition -- in the liturgy, in religious orders, in moral and social teachings, for example.  These Popes, of happy memory, reminded us of those things, which was very good.  But, in so doing, a division started to creep into the Church, a division which had probably always been there, but which became exacerbated.  What division?  The division between the more conservative Catholics and the more liberal Catholics.  It is almost like these two groups don't even accept each other as true Catholics; there is a lot of looking down the nose at one group by the other.  My husband, for example, told me that he heard a rather conservative Catholic commentator describe people "who are in the pews, but not in the Church."  EXCUSE ME???  If your fellow baptized Catholic is sitting next to you in the pews, and has not been excommunicated by the Pope, you really shouldn't be talking that way about him.  Or her.  And even if he/she is excommunicated, he/she is still a baptized Catholic.  On the other side of the coin, I once told a more liberal Catholic that I really love the Latin Mass and she acted like I had said the "black mass."  There has also been more and more talk about a "Culture War."  There has been much feeling amongst Catholics who view themselves as following the right path that they cannot work with, socialize with, live in the same neighborhoods as, or even pleasantly get along with people of differing points of view or of different lifestyles, because they are afraid of compromising their faith.  And because they feel uncomfortable around these different types of people.

I think Pope Francis sees these things.  And he sees the way the Church blew it in regard to priestly abuse.  And he sees the other ways in which the Church has made various groups of people -- like women and homosexuals -- feel marginalized.  In short, he sees the many sins and shortcomings of the Church and its clergy and its people.  And he is trying to lead us forward.  If we look at his example, if we truly and prayerfully look at it, I believe that we can begin to heal the rifts in the Church, we can help people to see how Jesus truly does love and accept them right where they are, and we can end the Culture War.  Because even though we need to have societal discussions about many issues, a "war" probably isn't the best way to go about things.  It will just leave the "defeated" feeling rebellious and plotting their uprising, while the "victors" go about gloating and maybe even oppressing.  Which is what victors in a war tend to do, albeit (perhaps) unintentionally. 

Yes, I think Pope Francis, with God's help, can bring many good things about in the Church.  He seems to have great faith, he seems to be a man of genuine humility, and -- last, but not least -- he is the first Pope in a long time that regular people can actually understand. ;-)

Why I Will Not Fight A "Culture War"

"Culture War"

A pretty popular term right now.  As I understand it, this basically means the Conservatives pitted against the Progressives over whose values will prevail in society -- both culturally and legally.

Of course, there is always a push/pull in every society.  I mean, let's face it, no two people are exactly alike.  So, when you put millions of individuals together, you're going to have lots of disagreements on how things "should be."  And this, to me, is fine and natural.  There should be discussion and debate.  But, not a war.  At least, not in my opinion.  Especially when there is plenty of room for negotiation.

Pope John Paul II spoke out a lot against war.  He spoke against the war in Iraq.  He spoke against war, in general. He spoke of the harm caused by war to innocent people.  He spoke of civilian casualties.  He spoke of men and women in uniform and how their lives should not be endangered without truly just cause.  He spoke of how both sides in a war -- both the victor and the defeated -- suffer.  Yes, he said even the victors are damaged by war.  This means, to me, that when you are in the position of getting your way (and keeping it) through force, you are not actually gaining the cooperation of those you defeat.  And those you defeat -- who are kept "in their place" against their will -- are not just going to roll over and adopt your positions.  They are going to try to figure out a way to rise up and put you down, in turn.  This just leads to more hatred, more conflict, more war.  John Paul II argued that negotiation should be the primary means of resolving conflict; and he stated that negotiation is often neglected or not given enough of a chance to succeed.  What are the advantages of negotiation?  Negotiation seeks to allow everybody as much freedom of choice as reasonably possible.  People are required, through negotiation, to try to see the individuals on the "other side of the table" as human beings with free will, dignity, hopes, dreams, and needs.  In a negotiation, everybody has to give something up in order to gain something.  There is not a "winner" and a "loser."  The needs and desires of all -- even of those you disagree with -- have to be taken into account.  And this helps all of us to remember and respect the humanity of those from whom we differ.

You may be thinking to yourself, "Well, the Culture War is not a literal war, like World War II or the war in Iraq."  But, I disagree.  I think a lot of the same dynamics exist in the Culture War as in a war in which actual bullets and bombs are employed.   What are some of these dynamics?  First of all, each side starts to separate from the other -- socially, geographically.  How many barbecues have you been to lately where Dems and Reps freely mingle and enjoy the company of one another?  How often nowadays do we see neighborhoods -- or even whole towns, cities, and states -- that are predominantly of one political ideology or another?  And after the separation comes the demonization.  We start thinking of each other as "enemies."  We can't listen to each others opinions -- especially via the internet, the radio, or the TV -- without becoming apoplectic.  And this leads to more separation and more demonization.  It is easy to demonize people with which you don't have to personally interact.  And once we separate and demonize, it is easier and easier to hate.  It becomes easier and easier to want to "put the other side down" by some kind of force.  It becomes easier to believe that making everybody live the way that you deem "correct" -- the way that makes you feel comfortable -- is right and just.   It becomes simpler to make "straw man" arguments out of the ideas of your opponents, so that you can joke about them and ridicule them, instead of giving them the respectful and intelligent consideration they deserve.  And all of this does just as much damage to us as individuals and as a society as a literal war --  not physically, perhaps -- but, psychologically and spiritually.

What is the solution?  Negotiation -- as John Paul II advocated.  Each side in this "Culture War" needs to listen fairly and openly to the concerns of the other.  Then we need to make room for each other, even if it might make us a bit uncomfortable to do so.  I have been a fairly conservative person most of my life (even though I am a bit of a hippie on the inside), and it concerns me when I hear "my" side say, too often, that this, that, or the other thing is "non-negotiable."  It just seems like we say it too much.  And then the progressive people feel threatened and disrespected and they don't really feel like dealing with us and all our "non-negotiable items."  And I don't really blame them.  We come across as a bit obnoxious and intolerant sometimes, fellow conservatives. 

Also, frankly, I really like the idealism of the Progressives.  And the vast majority of Progressives are lovely people, who are kind and charitable, who are just and merciful, who are great fun.  And I count many of them as my good friends.  I'm not going to have a war with them.  I will give them room to follow their consciences.  And I trust that they will give me room to follow mine.  Also, our consciences have more things in common than not, because we all strive to be people of goodwill and moral integrity, even if some of our opinions differ.

One final thought:  When we war with one another culturally, there is something we often forget.  We forget about the actual people whose choices and orientations and lifestyles we are putting under our little microscopes.  For example, in the vociferous and often unkind debate about gay marriage, conservatives sometimes seem to forget that there are actual gay couples who genuinely love each other.  There are actual gay individuals and couples with beautiful children.  And these people love their children just as much as I love mine.  We need to avoid hurting these people by our words and attitudes.  We need to respect these families.  We need to be charitable.

As one of the saints once said, "In all things, in ALL things -- charity."

Mrs. Elizabeth Foss's Blog Post Of Today

*Note:  If you read my last post and are wondering if I was talking about you, I probably wasn't. ;-) *

I enjoy reading the blog of Mrs. Elizabeth Foss.  It is interesting, insightful, and -- often -- funny.  In today's post, she spoke about human relationships.  She spoke, in particular, about how to get along with people who are different than you, people who may make you uncomfortable, people with whom you may not see eye-to-eye, or even like very much.

To summarize, she advocates (and I agree with her) being gracious to these kinds of people.  For, she explains, if you act graciously you may even begin to have actual feelings of graciousness.  If you behave towards someone as if you like him or her, you may find that you do come to like that person.  It also seems that some people disagree with Mrs. Foss, because they feel that she is advocating a type of dishonesty.  In my opinion, this is silly.  She is just saying that people should be tactful, polite, and humble.

I'm going to add my own two cents here, though.  (I'm really good at that. Right?)  In behaving well towards people who are very different than you, it is important to be sincere.  What do I mean by "sincere?"  I mean that you must honestly believe that this person with whom you may disagree on many important things may actually have something to say to you -- something worthwhile.  You have to have the conviction that even if you are, say,  a faithful Catholic or Christian or whatever, that someone on the "other side of the fence" might enlighten you a little.  Maybe you won't change your opinion.  Maybe you will still believe wholeheartedly in whatever it is you believe in.  That's fine.  But, hearing another side to an argument -- sincerely and truly hearing it -- might help you to become a more charitable person, a person with a softer heart.  And if that person "on the other side of the fence" feels heard -- and I mean sincerely and truly heard -- that may help him or her come to understand you better.  Now, do I mean that you should be kind and respectful to people of "different stripes" so that you can fix "the error of their ways?"  Absolutely not.  I am saying that you should be kind and respectful because it is the right thing to do -- because this is what it means grant people their basic human dignity.  It is also important to be sincere in dealing with others because, frankly, most people can tell if you're "faking it."  And "faking it" -- in all types of human intercourse -- just leads to bad feelings all around.

Oh, and let's all try having a sense of humor.  If you are a conservative, try laughing at one liberal joke a day.  If you are a liberal, try laughing at one conservative joke a day.  The results may pleasantly surprise you. :D

The War Between Women

There seems to be a lot of hoopla right now concerning Mrs. Romney, wife of the Republican candidate for president.  Apparently, Mrs. Romney has been accused of something along the lines of never working "a day in her life."  And now, the entire Sisterhood of Women in America seems to be engaged in a type of civil war, and I think it's more than a little nauseating.

I am going to speak here in generalities.  I don't mean to offend any specific people here.  And this is only my opinion, for whatever it's worth, if anything at all.

Women need to stop attacking each others' choices.  Women need to stop being offended by other women who make different life decisions. 

I am a housewife and mother.  I am happy I made that choice.  It suits my temperament, my energy level, my interests.  It is what I really wanted to do.  Nobody pressured or forced me into making this decision.  It was mine, and I own it.  This is what makes it work for me when times get tough.

But, other women have different temperaments, energy levels, interests.  I respect that.  And I respect their freedom to be mothers with jobs or careers outside the home.  I have seen women make this choice and raise wonderful children. 

Some people speak of  the War On Women.  I am speaking of the War Between Women.  And I would like to see a truce.  Let's look at it both ways.  The Silicon Valley working woman who supposedly insulted Mrs. Romney did have a point.  Working outside the home is very different from working inside the home.  I have done both, and I know this to be true.  So, if said "feminist" feels that Mrs. Romney can't relate effectively to a great number of today's women, perhaps she has a point.  But, it would also be fair if women who work outside the home can see the value and amount of labor being done by women in the home.  After all, if you have both kids and a job, you are paying someone to do at least some of the work you would be doing if you were at home.  This is not meant to be a judgement or an insult.  It is just a fact.  But, I do admire women who raise families and hold outside jobs.  They work very, very hard.  Probably harder than me.  And some of the best doctors, dentists, teachers, retail workers, insurance agents, bankers, artists, etc. that I have come across are women who are raising kids.  And I value their presence in the workforce.  It has benefited me greatly.

So, here's to the Sisterhood of Women in America.  I hope we can all learn to appreciate each other, draw from each others' strengths, and help each other in our needs.  Let's lift each other up, instead of tearing each other down.