Love, Respect, and -- Say, What???

Perhaps I am misunderstanding or misinterpreting something here. But, I have been seeing an idea floating around the interwebs to the effect that:

*Women need love and men need respect and this is the way to have a good relationship/marriage.*

Ahem...

SAY, WHAT???

This reminds me a bit of these lame-ass books I read years ago called "Fascinating Womanhood" and "Man Of Steel And Velvet," which basically advised men to do manly things like kill spiders and women to cry like little girls when their husbands were unfaithful to them (thus, playing upon the emotions of these dudes and bringing them back into line.)  I kind of tried to get into these ideas, as I was a Reagan conservative at the time, and all.  But, they also kind of made me gag.  Over the years, I have decided that these books and their ideas serve nobody, really.  You don't encourage women to act like little girls in order to gain the love of their husbands.  Women are also plenty capable of killing spiders, for land's sake.  And being a good, suportive husband does not require dudes to perform manly feats of daring-do.  My son, for example, is a very manly man.  And guess who was standing on the arm of the sofa when the GIANT lizard got into the family room?  And guess which woman with the biology degree caught said lizard -- with her bare hands, no less.  Yet, when I am at a loss and need advice about an important matter, guess which young man is always readily available with a sympathetic ear and solid horse sense?  "Manliness" and "womanliness" are not always so easily defined.

Anyway, these fascinating, steely, velvety ideas seem to be back, although somewhat repackaged.  Women need love and men need respect, you say?  I say bunk. They both need both.  Over a lifetime, they both need both.

Now, I have heard women speak disrespectfully of their husbands.  Truly disrespectfully.  And -- maybe -- that is what these "new" ideas are addressing.  It is very destructive to a marriage when a woman is consistently disrespectful of her husband in thought, word, and deed.  It is just plain mean.  And shows a lack of love.  But, I have also heard husbands speak disrespectfully of their wives, which is destructive.  And mean.  And shows a lack of love.  Love and respect are -- intricately and irrevocably -- tied together.

I guess, though, what people may be thinking of, when they speak husbandly love, are tenderness on the part of the husband toward his wife -- an emotional connection, understanding of her feelings, a sweet touch and expression, an intuitive knowledge of her needs in the moment. For example, if the wife is suffering severe barfiness and exhaustion every evening during her first trimester of pregnancy, a husband who knows -- without being asked -- to bring the TV into the bedroom, so he can both watch the game and rub his wife's back while she suffers for the sake of their child, could be said to be showing love. This husband realizes the need his wife has of being close to him, even if she is not particularly good company for a few months. He will recognize that watching the TV out in the living room while his wife is stuck in the bedroom every evening after dinner -- unable to achieve an upright position without upchucking -- is not the loving thing to do.

By the same token, when people think of a wife showing respect to her husband, they may mean that she actively shows an appreciation for the things he does for her and their family, for his abilities, for his strengths. If a husband is good at his job or at household repairs, for example, he probably would appreciate his wife praising him for those things. Such praise from the woman he loves would, naturally, give a man confidence and build his self-esteem.

Now, before I make my feminist self hurl by talking like this, I would like to point something out.

Even though women need love and men need respect, I believe it is equally true that women need respect and men need love. I have been married long enough -- and many of my friends have been married long enough -- that I know this. I know it for sure.

After a long day, during an illness, while grieving a loss -- heck, at any and all times -- men need "love" just as much as women do, in many of the same forms that women need it.  They enjoy tenderness and intuitive understanding just as much as any woman.

And women need respect as much as any man does. Women go through many phases in their lives -- phases which are often dramatically different from each other. This may sound -- or even be -- sexist, but many women bear children.  And this bearing of children and raising them and having them leave the nest means that a woman must redefine herself several times as she goes through life, in a way that is both professional and profoundly personal. Having the respect of her husband is vital to a woman -- to her self-confidence and sense of self-esteem -- as she goes through these phases. A husband who shows his wife that he respects her in her roles as a wife and mother, in her professional and creative endeavors, who actively supports her as she transitions from one major role to the next, gives her a truly priceless gift. The esteem with which a husband regards his wife's intelligence, opinions, and thought processes will profoundly impact the way she views herself. A husband's respect for his wife has just as much an impact on her self-confidence, self-esteem, and success as a wife's respect for her husband has on him.

Life is complicated, and sometimes (blessedly) messy. Let's not put each other into nice, neat little boxes too easily. Those boxes, which -- admittedly -- may seem to work at times, can end up being our self-imposed prisons, whether we are male or female, married or single, or some combination thereof.

Pax.

How I Feel About The Paparazzi

I also think of them as the "stalkerazzi."  And I guess that pretty much tells you how I feel about them.

Some of you may not know who the paparazzi are.  Basically, they are photographers who get paid for skulking about, sneaking up on famous people -- such as actors, directors, models, politicians -- and taking "candid" pictures of them.  Some of these paparazzi individuals have even been known to climb fences or trees in order to take pictures of celebrities through the windows of their own homes.  More often, though, the pictures are taken in public places -- like restaurants, night clubs, shopping malls, sidewalks, parking lots, grocery stores, and beaches -- as the famous people attempt to go about their daily lives.  And, frequently, these photographers seem to delight in showing us images of these people when they are at less than their best.  A beautiful actress might be photographed wearing a rather unflattering outfit, with her hair a bit askew, her face devoid of make-up.  In short, the beautiful woman might be caught looking like me.  But, nobody is taking pictures of me.  Thanks be to God.  And it's not only the women who are preyed upon by the paparazzi.  Men are targets just as frequently.

We are all exposed to these images.  They are, basically, inescapable.  They confront us when we are in line at the grocery store, when we are in the waiting room at our dentist's office, when we go online, even when we read the newspaper.  I think most of us have come to just accept these pictures as a fact of life.  We don't think about them very much.  We might even figure that being photographed by the paparazzi is just something celebrities need to accept with at least a certain amount of grace.  "The price of fame" and all that.  And it is true that these "stalkers of the rich and famous" aren't going to go away any time soon.

Lately, though, I have been thinking a little more about these images.  Why?  Well, sometimes, I see a paparazzi-taken picture of a celebrity I might happen to like, who seems like a good soul.  And in the paparazzi-taken photo, that individual is looking pretty annoyed.  It is clear that he or she has seen the photographer and is not happy about it.  The celebrity is wearing a facial expression which, if he or she were to look at me that way, would pretty much cause me to sink into the ground and die.  You know the old saying -- "if looks could kill."  And I think to myself, "Even though it is apparently legal for that photographer to be taking these types of pictures, is it really ethical or respectful?"  I also ask myself, "Should I even be looking at these pictures?  In looking at these pictures, am I actually contributing to the whole 'paparazzi phenomenon'?"

Does this mean that I am never again going to look at "People Magazine" while I am sitting under the dryer at the salon?  Probably not.  But, I am going to pause and think a little more before I look at certain images that may be floating about the internet or other types of media.  I might ask myself if the subject of the photo was actually a willing subject.  I will wonder if the lovely actress captured on film while she happened to be wearing a rather ill-fitting swimsuit would have her picture removed from that newspaper if she legally could.

(Note.  I know that there is no 'film' anymore.  It is just an expression.)

I mean, you can think of it this way.  There are plenty of "official" events where celebrities of all different varieties are knowingly and willingly photographed.  They come prepared -- showered, teeth brushed, hair styled, make-up done, dressed "to the nines."  They smile and laugh and good-naturedly share themselves with us.  Plenty of pictures get taken, which we can all enjoy, while knowing that nobody has had his or her privacy invaded.  It's a win-win.  We get to see photos of dazzling movie stars as they ham it up for the cameras at a charity ball.  And, the next day, maybe we should allow these same movie stars to get their grocery shopping done unmolested by unwanted and ethically questionable stalkers armed with expensive camera gear.