Perhaps I am misunderstanding or misinterpreting something here. But, I have been seeing an idea floating around the interwebs to the effect that:
*Women need love and men need respect and this is the way to have a good relationship/marriage.*
Ahem...
SAY, WHAT???
This reminds me a bit of these lame-ass books I read years ago called "Fascinating Womanhood" and "Man Of Steel And Velvet," which basically advised men to do manly things like kill spiders and women to cry like little girls when their husbands were unfaithful to them (thus, playing upon the emotions of these dudes and bringing them back into line.) I kind of tried to get into these ideas, as I was a Reagan conservative at the time, and all. But, they also kind of made me gag. Over the years, I have decided that these books and their ideas serve nobody, really. You don't encourage women to act like little girls in order to gain the love of their husbands. Women are also plenty capable of killing spiders, for land's sake. And being a good, suportive husband does not require dudes to perform manly feats of daring-do. My son, for example, is a very manly man. And guess who was standing on the arm of the sofa when the GIANT lizard got into the family room? And guess which woman with the biology degree caught said lizard -- with her bare hands, no less. Yet, when I am at a loss and need advice about an important matter, guess which young man is always readily available with a sympathetic ear and solid horse sense? "Manliness" and "womanliness" are not always so easily defined.
Anyway, these fascinating, steely, velvety ideas seem to be back, although somewhat repackaged. Women need love and men need respect, you say? I say bunk. They both need both. Over a lifetime, they both need both.
Now, I have heard women speak disrespectfully of their husbands. Truly disrespectfully. And -- maybe -- that is what these "new" ideas are addressing. It is very destructive to a marriage when a woman is consistently disrespectful of her husband in thought, word, and deed. It is just plain mean. And shows a lack of love. But, I have also heard husbands speak disrespectfully of their wives, which is destructive. And mean. And shows a lack of love. Love and respect are -- intricately and irrevocably -- tied together.
I guess, though, what people may be thinking of, when they speak husbandly love, are tenderness on the part of the husband toward his wife -- an emotional connection, understanding of her feelings, a sweet touch and expression, an intuitive knowledge of her needs in the moment. For example, if the wife is suffering severe barfiness and exhaustion every evening during her first trimester of pregnancy, a husband who knows -- without being asked -- to bring the TV into the bedroom, so he can both watch the game and rub his wife's back while she suffers for the sake of their child, could be said to be showing love. This husband realizes the need his wife has of being close to him, even if she is not particularly good company for a few months. He will recognize that watching the TV out in the living room while his wife is stuck in the bedroom every evening after dinner -- unable to achieve an upright position without upchucking -- is not the loving thing to do.
By the same token, when people think of a wife showing respect to her husband, they may mean that she actively shows an appreciation for the things he does for her and their family, for his abilities, for his strengths. If a husband is good at his job or at household repairs, for example, he probably would appreciate his wife praising him for those things. Such praise from the woman he loves would, naturally, give a man confidence and build his self-esteem.
Now, before I make my feminist self hurl by talking like this, I would like to point something out.
Even though women need love and men need respect, I believe it is equally true that women need respect and men need love. I have been married long enough -- and many of my friends have been married long enough -- that I know this. I know it for sure.
After a long day, during an illness, while grieving a loss -- heck, at any and all times -- men need "love" just as much as women do, in many of the same forms that women need it. They enjoy tenderness and intuitive understanding just as much as any woman.
And women need respect as much as any man does. Women go through many phases in their lives -- phases which are often dramatically different from each other. This may sound -- or even be -- sexist, but many women bear children. And this bearing of children and raising them and having them leave the nest means that a woman must redefine herself several times as she goes through life, in a way that is both professional and profoundly personal. Having the respect of her husband is vital to a woman -- to her self-confidence and sense of self-esteem -- as she goes through these phases. A husband who shows his wife that he respects her in her roles as a wife and mother, in her professional and creative endeavors, who actively supports her as she transitions from one major role to the next, gives her a truly priceless gift. The esteem with which a husband regards his wife's intelligence, opinions, and thought processes will profoundly impact the way she views herself. A husband's respect for his wife has just as much an impact on her self-confidence, self-esteem, and success as a wife's respect for her husband has on him.
Life is complicated, and sometimes (blessedly) messy. Let's not put each other into nice, neat little boxes too easily. Those boxes, which -- admittedly -- may seem to work at times, can end up being our self-imposed prisons, whether we are male or female, married or single, or some combination thereof.
Pax.
Showing posts with label Relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Relationships. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 4, 2014
Tuesday, November 5, 2013
Sleepless In Austin (Girl Version)
I hope this is not like plagiarizing.
Anyway, a little while back, some dude calling himself "Sleepless In Austin" wrote a blog post in which he chronicled all of his requirements for a new girlfriend. My guess is that he is probably still single. The ways of love, though, are hard to figure out -- so, you never know. I mean, sometimes a guy who you think for sure would have gotten married by now is still totally girlfriendless, while another guy -- who you think that no self-respecting female would touch with the proverbial 10-foot pole -- is honeymooning in Hawaii with his model wife. But, I digress.
The point is that this insomniac Austinite made me laugh so hard with his post that I thought I'd spoof it. I know you're probably not supposed to tell people that you're spoofing something, but being that I'm married and all, I just wanted to make everything perfectly clear. This is a joke. It is humor. It is just for fun. Fun for me, anyhow.
***So, I give you ---> Sleepless In Austin (Girl Version), A.K.A. Sleepless In Southern California:
I like to be with a man. This much is true. I don't like to be alone. I'm not very good at it. I like all the things about being with a man. I like eating and going for drives, although not in immediate sequence, because then I get car sick. I also don't like eating sushi with a guy. Well, maybe I do like eating sushi with a guy, but I just don't know it. The thing is that I have a biology degree, so when I think about sushi, I just think about parasites. So, forget sushi. Sushi is a deal-breaker. The only way that sushi would not be a deal-breaker is if you are Ben Sherman and you bring your gun on our date and give me plenty of saki and do all the driving, because I don't want to be arrested for drunk driving on our date. Getting arrested on our date would be a deal-breaker. Unless you bailed me out of jail. Or broke me out. Breaking me out of jail would definitely make up for the getting arrested part. Although, then I would have a hang-over and having a hang-over would probably cause me to throw up in your car, so I should probably just stick with sushi being a deal-breaker. Besides, Ben Sherman is fictional, so there's that.
I do like being with a man, though. Besides eating and going for drives, I like hiking. But, not if it's too hot and not if the surroundings are too dry-looking, because that is just depressing. I like going to the beach, but only if the man does not complain about the sun and getting burned. A man who fusses about getting skin cancer is a deal-breaker. I mean, go ahead and put on your sunscreen, but for heaven's sake don't fuss about it like a girl. BE A FREAKING MAN about the sun. I also like watching sports with an enthusiastic man, but not if he talks about a particular game for DAYS ON END afterwards. When the game is over, it's over. Get over it already. My favorite sport to watch is swimming. I realize most men aren't into that, but if you expect me to watch your football, you can watch my swimming. And when my favorite sport is on, you get to make the snacks. When your favorite sport is on, I'll make the snacks. Fair is fair. But, don't try feeding me any of those wasabi peas. Wasabi peas are a deal-breaker. And if you EVER make fun of my favorite beer being Bud Light, that is a deal-breaker. Besides, Bud Light puts me in a romantic mood because it's just enough alcohol and not too filling. So, you should be grateful that Bud Light is my favorite beer, because I can be very sexy.
As far as sex goes, I like it. But, you'd better not be all pushy about it. Being pushy about sex is a deal-breaker. Hey, I'm not saying you shouldn't try to get me interested, but being pushy is the biggest turn-off in the world. I also like hand-holding and kissing. But, I do not like being slobbered on. Being slobbered on is a deal-breaker. I was once slobbered on by one of the hottest guys ever to be seen on the face of this good earth, but all the long wavy blonde hair and muscles and golden skin couldn't make up for the slobber, so that was that. He called me for weeks, but it was to no avail. So, guys, do yourselves a favor and learn to kiss without slobbering. THINK about kissing before you actually try to land one, for pete's sake. Watch some movies and TV shows that contain good kissing and study the techniques. Practice on your arm. Whatever it takes. Do not show up on a date as a novice kisser. And if you are a novice kisser, keep your tongue in your mouth while you practice your lip work. Same goes for actual sex. Study up before actually trying it out. And I am NOT talking about porn. Some women may disagree, but porn moves are not what most of us ladies want. If you want to know what most of us ladies want, go read some of those bodice-ripper novels that can be found in the back of your grandma's closet. Your grandma ain't no fool.
Tattoos and piercings. Talking about sex makes me think of tattoos and piercings. Because I think tattoos are rather sexy, but there are some conditions. For instance, you should not appear to be clothed in them. That is a deal-breaker. If you are naked, people should be able to tell that you are naked. If you are naked and I can't tell because of all your tats, that is a deal-breaker. Also -- tattoos on your arms are only sexy if you have sexy arm muscles to go with them. Like Cam Gigandet. (Google it, boot.) So, if you're going to have tats and you don't want it to be a deal-breaker, then lift some weights. At least four times a week. As for piercings, I don't mind them in the ear. But, the naval or the nipple or the nose or the lip? Deal-breaker. I have to admit, whenever I see someone with a nipple ring, I have this perverted inclination to yank on it. YUCK!!! That is SO PERVERTED!!! But, it's true. I probably wouldn't actually do it, but you never know what might happen in the heat of passion. So, if you have a nipple ring, either remove it or stay the hell away from me, if you have any sense of self-preservation.
Hygiene. Talking about yanking on nipple rings naturally makes me think of infections which naturally makes me think about hygiene. Hygiene matters. Even if you can totally rock a silk shirt, it don't matter if you don't shower. And use deodorant. And brush your teeth. And floss. And SHAVE. For god's sake, what is it with all this neck stubble I see these days? Either shave or grow a beard. A REAL beard. Like the kind Commander Ryker sported in "The Next Generation." I mean, these days I'm seeing all these guys -- even hot guys -- walking around with all this stubble on their cheeks and chins and necks. What gives? All this does is show true laziness of character or a real misperception of what is attractive or an actual effort to appear less attractive. I guess if you are a hot celebrity man who is chased about by young females, then maybe there is an appeal to trying to make yourself less attractive by sporting week-old neck hair growth. But, if you wear Ray-Ban aviators along with the neck hair, you are just sending mixed messages about your desire to appear desirable. So, in the interest of transparency of intention, which is only common decency, either shave and wear your Ray-Ban aviators -- or -- grow a real beard and wear your Ray-Ban aviators -- or -- sport your neck hair in combination with a pair of cheap Walmart-brand sunglasses. Also, if you grow a beard, COMB IT. Not combing your beard causes little beard hairs to fall out onto the kitchen counters. Do you know what this looks like? It looks like there are pubic hairs all over the kitchen counters. And pubic hairs (even the appearance thereof) on my kitchen counters is a DEAL-BREAKER!!!
Lest I am sounding shallow by talking about such things as sex and tats and piercings and facial hair and hygiene, I do want to assure you that I am interested in personality. There are all types of personalities that I like. Many kinds of people are interesting to me. But, it is good if you know how to string words together in a way that makes at least some kind of sense. In other words, don't be a Tea Party Republican. You can be a Republican. That's okay. But, be a NORMAL Republican (does anybody out there remember what that means???). You can be a Democrat, too. Democrats are cool. I especially like Democrat men in ponytails and jeans. Communists can be especially sexy, although I would argue a lot with a Communist, since I actually am a Republican. So, if you are a Communist, that might not be a total deal-breaker, as long as you like to argue and you have at least some sense of humor. And long, wavy hair. A Democrat or a Communist might be able to get away with sporting some neck stubble, too -- as long as he also has a good body and intense, thoughtful eyes. Please don't think that I'm saying here that a Democrat and a Communist are in any way the same thing. I know that they are not the same thing. I mean -- for land's sake -- I'm NOT Rush Limbaugh. It's just that Democrats and Communists have this sort of sexy earthiness about them that Republicans just can't manage to pull off. And if you are a non-Tea-Party Republican who wants to date me, do NOT try to pull off a pony tail. Because everybody knows that Republican males cannot pull off pony tails. But, also try to avoid looking totally stuffy. An ideal Republican man has an excellent upper body and knows how to rock the following look --> dress shirt, open collar, no tie. An ideal Republican male also shamelessly drives a totally spotless, big, bad-ass, carbon producing car, recognizing its value as the perfect place to make out with a woman. But, if you are a Republican, you must also have a good sense of humor about the liberal, hippie, wanna-be cage dancer side of my personality. If you don't have a good sense of humor about this, and if you cannot tolerate my opinion that there should be a single-payer national healthcare system, then you are not for me.
And -- reflecting on the value of a sense of humor -- you should definitely have one. Because, hey, life's short. And because penis jokes are funny. (But, only if told by somebody with skill in telling penis jokes. If you don't have the gift, don't tell penis jokes. Telling penis jokes without skill is a deal-breaker.) You need to be able to laugh, though -- at life, at yourself, at me, and at the Tea Partiers. ;-)
Anyway, a little while back, some dude calling himself "Sleepless In Austin" wrote a blog post in which he chronicled all of his requirements for a new girlfriend. My guess is that he is probably still single. The ways of love, though, are hard to figure out -- so, you never know. I mean, sometimes a guy who you think for sure would have gotten married by now is still totally girlfriendless, while another guy -- who you think that no self-respecting female would touch with the proverbial 10-foot pole -- is honeymooning in Hawaii with his model wife. But, I digress.
The point is that this insomniac Austinite made me laugh so hard with his post that I thought I'd spoof it. I know you're probably not supposed to tell people that you're spoofing something, but being that I'm married and all, I just wanted to make everything perfectly clear. This is a joke. It is humor. It is just for fun. Fun for me, anyhow.
***So, I give you ---> Sleepless In Austin (Girl Version), A.K.A. Sleepless In Southern California:
I like to be with a man. This much is true. I don't like to be alone. I'm not very good at it. I like all the things about being with a man. I like eating and going for drives, although not in immediate sequence, because then I get car sick. I also don't like eating sushi with a guy. Well, maybe I do like eating sushi with a guy, but I just don't know it. The thing is that I have a biology degree, so when I think about sushi, I just think about parasites. So, forget sushi. Sushi is a deal-breaker. The only way that sushi would not be a deal-breaker is if you are Ben Sherman and you bring your gun on our date and give me plenty of saki and do all the driving, because I don't want to be arrested for drunk driving on our date. Getting arrested on our date would be a deal-breaker. Unless you bailed me out of jail. Or broke me out. Breaking me out of jail would definitely make up for the getting arrested part. Although, then I would have a hang-over and having a hang-over would probably cause me to throw up in your car, so I should probably just stick with sushi being a deal-breaker. Besides, Ben Sherman is fictional, so there's that.
I do like being with a man, though. Besides eating and going for drives, I like hiking. But, not if it's too hot and not if the surroundings are too dry-looking, because that is just depressing. I like going to the beach, but only if the man does not complain about the sun and getting burned. A man who fusses about getting skin cancer is a deal-breaker. I mean, go ahead and put on your sunscreen, but for heaven's sake don't fuss about it like a girl. BE A FREAKING MAN about the sun. I also like watching sports with an enthusiastic man, but not if he talks about a particular game for DAYS ON END afterwards. When the game is over, it's over. Get over it already. My favorite sport to watch is swimming. I realize most men aren't into that, but if you expect me to watch your football, you can watch my swimming. And when my favorite sport is on, you get to make the snacks. When your favorite sport is on, I'll make the snacks. Fair is fair. But, don't try feeding me any of those wasabi peas. Wasabi peas are a deal-breaker. And if you EVER make fun of my favorite beer being Bud Light, that is a deal-breaker. Besides, Bud Light puts me in a romantic mood because it's just enough alcohol and not too filling. So, you should be grateful that Bud Light is my favorite beer, because I can be very sexy.
As far as sex goes, I like it. But, you'd better not be all pushy about it. Being pushy about sex is a deal-breaker. Hey, I'm not saying you shouldn't try to get me interested, but being pushy is the biggest turn-off in the world. I also like hand-holding and kissing. But, I do not like being slobbered on. Being slobbered on is a deal-breaker. I was once slobbered on by one of the hottest guys ever to be seen on the face of this good earth, but all the long wavy blonde hair and muscles and golden skin couldn't make up for the slobber, so that was that. He called me for weeks, but it was to no avail. So, guys, do yourselves a favor and learn to kiss without slobbering. THINK about kissing before you actually try to land one, for pete's sake. Watch some movies and TV shows that contain good kissing and study the techniques. Practice on your arm. Whatever it takes. Do not show up on a date as a novice kisser. And if you are a novice kisser, keep your tongue in your mouth while you practice your lip work. Same goes for actual sex. Study up before actually trying it out. And I am NOT talking about porn. Some women may disagree, but porn moves are not what most of us ladies want. If you want to know what most of us ladies want, go read some of those bodice-ripper novels that can be found in the back of your grandma's closet. Your grandma ain't no fool.
Tattoos and piercings. Talking about sex makes me think of tattoos and piercings. Because I think tattoos are rather sexy, but there are some conditions. For instance, you should not appear to be clothed in them. That is a deal-breaker. If you are naked, people should be able to tell that you are naked. If you are naked and I can't tell because of all your tats, that is a deal-breaker. Also -- tattoos on your arms are only sexy if you have sexy arm muscles to go with them. Like Cam Gigandet. (Google it, boot.) So, if you're going to have tats and you don't want it to be a deal-breaker, then lift some weights. At least four times a week. As for piercings, I don't mind them in the ear. But, the naval or the nipple or the nose or the lip? Deal-breaker. I have to admit, whenever I see someone with a nipple ring, I have this perverted inclination to yank on it. YUCK!!! That is SO PERVERTED!!! But, it's true. I probably wouldn't actually do it, but you never know what might happen in the heat of passion. So, if you have a nipple ring, either remove it or stay the hell away from me, if you have any sense of self-preservation.
Hygiene. Talking about yanking on nipple rings naturally makes me think of infections which naturally makes me think about hygiene. Hygiene matters. Even if you can totally rock a silk shirt, it don't matter if you don't shower. And use deodorant. And brush your teeth. And floss. And SHAVE. For god's sake, what is it with all this neck stubble I see these days? Either shave or grow a beard. A REAL beard. Like the kind Commander Ryker sported in "The Next Generation." I mean, these days I'm seeing all these guys -- even hot guys -- walking around with all this stubble on their cheeks and chins and necks. What gives? All this does is show true laziness of character or a real misperception of what is attractive or an actual effort to appear less attractive. I guess if you are a hot celebrity man who is chased about by young females, then maybe there is an appeal to trying to make yourself less attractive by sporting week-old neck hair growth. But, if you wear Ray-Ban aviators along with the neck hair, you are just sending mixed messages about your desire to appear desirable. So, in the interest of transparency of intention, which is only common decency, either shave and wear your Ray-Ban aviators -- or -- grow a real beard and wear your Ray-Ban aviators -- or -- sport your neck hair in combination with a pair of cheap Walmart-brand sunglasses. Also, if you grow a beard, COMB IT. Not combing your beard causes little beard hairs to fall out onto the kitchen counters. Do you know what this looks like? It looks like there are pubic hairs all over the kitchen counters. And pubic hairs (even the appearance thereof) on my kitchen counters is a DEAL-BREAKER!!!
Lest I am sounding shallow by talking about such things as sex and tats and piercings and facial hair and hygiene, I do want to assure you that I am interested in personality. There are all types of personalities that I like. Many kinds of people are interesting to me. But, it is good if you know how to string words together in a way that makes at least some kind of sense. In other words, don't be a Tea Party Republican. You can be a Republican. That's okay. But, be a NORMAL Republican (does anybody out there remember what that means???). You can be a Democrat, too. Democrats are cool. I especially like Democrat men in ponytails and jeans. Communists can be especially sexy, although I would argue a lot with a Communist, since I actually am a Republican. So, if you are a Communist, that might not be a total deal-breaker, as long as you like to argue and you have at least some sense of humor. And long, wavy hair. A Democrat or a Communist might be able to get away with sporting some neck stubble, too -- as long as he also has a good body and intense, thoughtful eyes. Please don't think that I'm saying here that a Democrat and a Communist are in any way the same thing. I know that they are not the same thing. I mean -- for land's sake -- I'm NOT Rush Limbaugh. It's just that Democrats and Communists have this sort of sexy earthiness about them that Republicans just can't manage to pull off. And if you are a non-Tea-Party Republican who wants to date me, do NOT try to pull off a pony tail. Because everybody knows that Republican males cannot pull off pony tails. But, also try to avoid looking totally stuffy. An ideal Republican man has an excellent upper body and knows how to rock the following look --> dress shirt, open collar, no tie. An ideal Republican male also shamelessly drives a totally spotless, big, bad-ass, carbon producing car, recognizing its value as the perfect place to make out with a woman. But, if you are a Republican, you must also have a good sense of humor about the liberal, hippie, wanna-be cage dancer side of my personality. If you don't have a good sense of humor about this, and if you cannot tolerate my opinion that there should be a single-payer national healthcare system, then you are not for me.
And -- reflecting on the value of a sense of humor -- you should definitely have one. Because, hey, life's short. And because penis jokes are funny. (But, only if told by somebody with skill in telling penis jokes. If you don't have the gift, don't tell penis jokes. Telling penis jokes without skill is a deal-breaker.) You need to be able to laugh, though -- at life, at yourself, at me, and at the Tea Partiers. ;-)
Tuesday, October 8, 2013
Women Talking To Women...
...can be a blessing. Or a curse.
I have learned this during my fifty years. The hard way.
I have been pondering this topic as I go about my laundry and such this morning because of a blog post I read in the "HuffPo." I think it was written by a rather young woman. She looked young in her picture, at least. In her post, she addressed other young women who are trying to make their way in this wide world -- dispensing her good advice and wisdom for all to absorb.
By and large, I thought her advice was sound. It had to do with not wearing leggings without a top that fully covers your butt and how important first impressions are and all those kinds of wise career- and relationship-oriented things.
This is what struck me, though, as an older-type broad. If I was a young woman reading the advice of this other young woman, I would have been reduced to a great state of anxiety about my butt and my pants and the time I talked to that VIP with a wedgie I couldn't do anything about without making the situation more awkward. I would also be thinking about how many of the pants nowadays -- a.k.a. skinny jeans -- are really not a lot better than leggings. And I would be thinking about how these modern pants don't fit me well, anyway, because I have always had a rather Italian backside. And I would be thinking about all the times I had failed and flailed -- educationally, professionally, with people of the opposite sex in clubs -- and I would pretty much just be wanting to go sit in my comfy bed while watching my collection of "SouthLAnd" DVD's.
To sum it up, I was thinking about how women can be very hard on other women. Often without even realizing it. Often by just trying to be helpful. And I was thinking about how resentments and misunderstandings can build up between women because of well-meaning, but frequently unwelcome, advice.
As I said, I have learned this the hard way. Over the years, I have been the dispenser and receiver of all kinds of womanly advice. I have noticed the effect it has had on me and on others. And this is what I have figured out.
It is generally best not to give advice unless someone actually seeks it out from us. And if someone does seek it out, it is best to keep it to a minimum. It is wise to try to see the situation from the other person's perspective, instead of from our own. Our lives and personalities and experiences are not the same as those of the other person. And it is vital to be HUMBLE -- to realize that we as the advice-dispensers might not have all the answers, that we might even be (ahem) WRONG in our opinions.
Most importantly, though, in dealing with somebody who seeks our advice, it is important to listen and have compassion. Many times, people can work through their own problems. The majority of people probably have enough intelligence and common sense to see what the answers to their quandaries are, but it might be helpful for them to have a "sounding board," so to speak. And if we do feel the need to inject some of our "wisdom and experience" into a situation, we should look at the other person -- really see that person -- in order to discern what effect our words may be having. We need to ask ourselves if we are really being helpful, or if we are just adding to our friend's burden.
Finally, I would just like to reassure any young women who may be reading this post. You will recover from your youthful missteps. You will not ruin your career or a relationship (at least with anybody worth having a relationship with) if you accidentally flash your butt crack to a customer or shoot milk through your nostrils while laughing on a dinner date. When I think of some of the embarrassing things I did and said while working my first real jobs and going on my first real dates, I still kind of want to bury my head in the sand. But, life went on. And -- believe it or not -- bosses can be quite understanding to a new, yet promising, employee. And good guys will just -- good naturedly and with good humor -- hand you a napkin for your nose. The important thing is to learn from your mistakes. And to laugh at them, too. ;-)
I have learned this during my fifty years. The hard way.
I have been pondering this topic as I go about my laundry and such this morning because of a blog post I read in the "HuffPo." I think it was written by a rather young woman. She looked young in her picture, at least. In her post, she addressed other young women who are trying to make their way in this wide world -- dispensing her good advice and wisdom for all to absorb.
By and large, I thought her advice was sound. It had to do with not wearing leggings without a top that fully covers your butt and how important first impressions are and all those kinds of wise career- and relationship-oriented things.
This is what struck me, though, as an older-type broad. If I was a young woman reading the advice of this other young woman, I would have been reduced to a great state of anxiety about my butt and my pants and the time I talked to that VIP with a wedgie I couldn't do anything about without making the situation more awkward. I would also be thinking about how many of the pants nowadays -- a.k.a. skinny jeans -- are really not a lot better than leggings. And I would be thinking about how these modern pants don't fit me well, anyway, because I have always had a rather Italian backside. And I would be thinking about all the times I had failed and flailed -- educationally, professionally, with people of the opposite sex in clubs -- and I would pretty much just be wanting to go sit in my comfy bed while watching my collection of "SouthLAnd" DVD's.
To sum it up, I was thinking about how women can be very hard on other women. Often without even realizing it. Often by just trying to be helpful. And I was thinking about how resentments and misunderstandings can build up between women because of well-meaning, but frequently unwelcome, advice.
As I said, I have learned this the hard way. Over the years, I have been the dispenser and receiver of all kinds of womanly advice. I have noticed the effect it has had on me and on others. And this is what I have figured out.
It is generally best not to give advice unless someone actually seeks it out from us. And if someone does seek it out, it is best to keep it to a minimum. It is wise to try to see the situation from the other person's perspective, instead of from our own. Our lives and personalities and experiences are not the same as those of the other person. And it is vital to be HUMBLE -- to realize that we as the advice-dispensers might not have all the answers, that we might even be (ahem) WRONG in our opinions.
Most importantly, though, in dealing with somebody who seeks our advice, it is important to listen and have compassion. Many times, people can work through their own problems. The majority of people probably have enough intelligence and common sense to see what the answers to their quandaries are, but it might be helpful for them to have a "sounding board," so to speak. And if we do feel the need to inject some of our "wisdom and experience" into a situation, we should look at the other person -- really see that person -- in order to discern what effect our words may be having. We need to ask ourselves if we are really being helpful, or if we are just adding to our friend's burden.
Finally, I would just like to reassure any young women who may be reading this post. You will recover from your youthful missteps. You will not ruin your career or a relationship (at least with anybody worth having a relationship with) if you accidentally flash your butt crack to a customer or shoot milk through your nostrils while laughing on a dinner date. When I think of some of the embarrassing things I did and said while working my first real jobs and going on my first real dates, I still kind of want to bury my head in the sand. But, life went on. And -- believe it or not -- bosses can be quite understanding to a new, yet promising, employee. And good guys will just -- good naturedly and with good humor -- hand you a napkin for your nose. The important thing is to learn from your mistakes. And to laugh at them, too. ;-)
Wednesday, September 25, 2013
This 300 Sandwiches Thing
Have you heard about it?
There is a lovely woman -- in her mid-30's -- who is dating this dude. He apparently loves sandwiches. She explains that, to him, sandwiches mean love. Like hugs or kisses or sex. I guess they have this deal. He told her that if she makes him 300 sandwiches, he'll get her an engagement ring. He says that women think it's so hard to keep a guy, but it's really not. All you have to do, according to this man, is do something nice for him -- like make a sandwich.
Are you choking on your Coca-Cola. I pretty much did.
Now, to be fair, I do not know this couple. I do not know their relationship. I don't know this guy's heart or his sense of humor. But, this is what I see. I see a guy living with a woman, having sex with her, and getting her to make him all these sandwiches. And she is doing it all (especially the sandwich part) because, in her heart of hearts, she wants what a lot of women want -- a happy marriage and family life. And he knows it. And he has her dancing like a puppet on a string. What a louse.
A good man will not buy you an engagement ring because you do nice things to keep him. Now, I grant you, when you love someone, you do nice things for that person. But, NOT because he requires you to do them to earn his love and commitment. A good man will buy you an engagement ring because he wants to give himself wholeheartedly and unreservedly and permanently to you -- as a gift. An UNCONDITIONAL gift. Of course, he would hope that you would love him and give yourself to him in the same way. But, it doesn't have anything to do with making sandwiches. Or granting sex privileges. There is no price or cost for the gift of unconditional love. You don't dangle love like a carrot in front of somebody and tell them to jump through hoops to get it. That is emotional manipulation.
I have been married for 26 years. Do I have a perfect marriage? No. It has had, and will continue to have, its ups and its downs. My parents were married for over 50 years. Their marriage also had its good and bad times, its happy and sad years. And from my own marriage and that of my parents, I have learned a few things. Being married and staying married and loving your spouse never involves an "I will love you if you do x, y, or z for me" attitude. Loving your wife means hauling the TV into the bedroom when she is in the first trimester of pregnancy, where you can watch your football games while simultaneously stroking her hair, so she will not feel alone and abandoned while she lies exhausted and nauseated in the bed. Love means comforting your wife if she has to carry the almost unbearable crosses of infertility or pregnancy loss. Love means seeing your wife's beauty if she loses her hair due to chemotherapy. Love means holding your wife close to you in bed if there is a time when she is not able to have sex with you due to a health problem. Loving your wife means taking a few minutes before you go to work in the morning to help her clean up the barf from the toddler's stomach bug. True family love means helping the kids with the homework assignments that reduce them to tears, picking nits out of their hair during the school-wide lice infestation, attending countless early morning or late night soccer practices, listening enthusiastically to your children as they enthusiastically learn to play the accordion, or sitting by their beds in surgical recovery rooms as they undergo repeated procedures for congenital orthopedic conditions. Real marital and family love involves a lot of fun, to be sure. But, it also involves a great deal of self-sacrifice, of putting "the other" first, of patience, of compassion.
So, I guess what I am saying is that even though dating and engagement should be a joyful, happy, fun time, it should also carry with it some of the attitude that will enable that initial, exuberant, feet-off-the-floor love to become a lasting, life-long, committed love. And an essential part of that attitude is learning to view the other person in the correct manner -- with respect, dignity, and appreciation. You need to learn to serve, rather than be served. And demanding sandwiches in return for an engagement ring -- a beautiful gift that is a sign of a commitment to a life-long, selfless love -- is no part of this equation.
I see around me these days many young women (and, by young, I mean ages 22 to 35) who really want to marry and have a family. And I see a lot of guys with the attitude of "Mr. Sandwich." And I see these young women bending over backwards to please these guys, to earn their love, to get that ring with all that it promises. And I have seen a lot of disasters unfold, which are especially sad when they take place after the wedding ceremony has been held and the babies have arrived. So, I just want to encourage you beautiful, young women to have some confidence and self-respect. See yourselves as being worthy of the truly good love of a truly good man. Real love does not involve "party trick deal-making." And as my father said -- many, many times -- "It is better to be single than to marry the wrong guy."
And to you guys who are good guys who have been messed with by less-than-good women, I apologize if I sound like I'm being too hard on men in this post. I know that many men are very, very good -- worthy "husband material." And I know that there are women who seem more interested in the ring and the dress and the reception than in the actual marriage. That sucks, too. So, basically, it goes both ways. Good marriages start with people of good character who are authentically good to each other.
Finally, here are a few questions to ask yourself:
For The Women --
1. Would he still stay with you and consider marrying you if you didn't make him any sandwiches?
2. Would he still stay with you and consider marrying you if you didn't sleep with him?
3. Is he the kind of man who would stay with you if you were infertile or had other types of health problems?
4. Is he the kind of man who would appreciate your beauty even if you had some stretch marks and hemorrhoids from child-bearing? How about as you get older?
5. Is he the kind of man who would treat you with affection (both emotional and physical), even if you couldn't have sex for a little while -- such as after giving birth?
6. Is he the kind of man who would be a good father -- putting his children's needs before his own?
7. Is he patient, even-tempered, and good-humored?
8. Does he make you feel cherished and accepted JUST AS YOU ARE?
For The Men --
1. Would she still want to marry you even if you couldn't afford an engagement ring or a fancy honeymoon?
2. Does she care about your work, your stresses, your anxieties -- or are you just a source of fun and entertainment?
3. What is more important to her -- your happiness or the home decor?
4. Does she make a habit out of gossip?
5. How does she react to the antics of Miley Cyrus? (a.k.a. -- Is she compassionate?)
6. Is she the kind of woman who would be a good mother -- putting her children's needs before her own?
7. Is she patient, even-tempered, and good-humored?
8. Does she make you feel cherished and accepted JUST AS YOU ARE?
There is a lovely woman -- in her mid-30's -- who is dating this dude. He apparently loves sandwiches. She explains that, to him, sandwiches mean love. Like hugs or kisses or sex. I guess they have this deal. He told her that if she makes him 300 sandwiches, he'll get her an engagement ring. He says that women think it's so hard to keep a guy, but it's really not. All you have to do, according to this man, is do something nice for him -- like make a sandwich.
Are you choking on your Coca-Cola. I pretty much did.
Now, to be fair, I do not know this couple. I do not know their relationship. I don't know this guy's heart or his sense of humor. But, this is what I see. I see a guy living with a woman, having sex with her, and getting her to make him all these sandwiches. And she is doing it all (especially the sandwich part) because, in her heart of hearts, she wants what a lot of women want -- a happy marriage and family life. And he knows it. And he has her dancing like a puppet on a string. What a louse.
A good man will not buy you an engagement ring because you do nice things to keep him. Now, I grant you, when you love someone, you do nice things for that person. But, NOT because he requires you to do them to earn his love and commitment. A good man will buy you an engagement ring because he wants to give himself wholeheartedly and unreservedly and permanently to you -- as a gift. An UNCONDITIONAL gift. Of course, he would hope that you would love him and give yourself to him in the same way. But, it doesn't have anything to do with making sandwiches. Or granting sex privileges. There is no price or cost for the gift of unconditional love. You don't dangle love like a carrot in front of somebody and tell them to jump through hoops to get it. That is emotional manipulation.
I have been married for 26 years. Do I have a perfect marriage? No. It has had, and will continue to have, its ups and its downs. My parents were married for over 50 years. Their marriage also had its good and bad times, its happy and sad years. And from my own marriage and that of my parents, I have learned a few things. Being married and staying married and loving your spouse never involves an "I will love you if you do x, y, or z for me" attitude. Loving your wife means hauling the TV into the bedroom when she is in the first trimester of pregnancy, where you can watch your football games while simultaneously stroking her hair, so she will not feel alone and abandoned while she lies exhausted and nauseated in the bed. Love means comforting your wife if she has to carry the almost unbearable crosses of infertility or pregnancy loss. Love means seeing your wife's beauty if she loses her hair due to chemotherapy. Love means holding your wife close to you in bed if there is a time when she is not able to have sex with you due to a health problem. Loving your wife means taking a few minutes before you go to work in the morning to help her clean up the barf from the toddler's stomach bug. True family love means helping the kids with the homework assignments that reduce them to tears, picking nits out of their hair during the school-wide lice infestation, attending countless early morning or late night soccer practices, listening enthusiastically to your children as they enthusiastically learn to play the accordion, or sitting by their beds in surgical recovery rooms as they undergo repeated procedures for congenital orthopedic conditions. Real marital and family love involves a lot of fun, to be sure. But, it also involves a great deal of self-sacrifice, of putting "the other" first, of patience, of compassion.
So, I guess what I am saying is that even though dating and engagement should be a joyful, happy, fun time, it should also carry with it some of the attitude that will enable that initial, exuberant, feet-off-the-floor love to become a lasting, life-long, committed love. And an essential part of that attitude is learning to view the other person in the correct manner -- with respect, dignity, and appreciation. You need to learn to serve, rather than be served. And demanding sandwiches in return for an engagement ring -- a beautiful gift that is a sign of a commitment to a life-long, selfless love -- is no part of this equation.
I see around me these days many young women (and, by young, I mean ages 22 to 35) who really want to marry and have a family. And I see a lot of guys with the attitude of "Mr. Sandwich." And I see these young women bending over backwards to please these guys, to earn their love, to get that ring with all that it promises. And I have seen a lot of disasters unfold, which are especially sad when they take place after the wedding ceremony has been held and the babies have arrived. So, I just want to encourage you beautiful, young women to have some confidence and self-respect. See yourselves as being worthy of the truly good love of a truly good man. Real love does not involve "party trick deal-making." And as my father said -- many, many times -- "It is better to be single than to marry the wrong guy."
And to you guys who are good guys who have been messed with by less-than-good women, I apologize if I sound like I'm being too hard on men in this post. I know that many men are very, very good -- worthy "husband material." And I know that there are women who seem more interested in the ring and the dress and the reception than in the actual marriage. That sucks, too. So, basically, it goes both ways. Good marriages start with people of good character who are authentically good to each other.
Finally, here are a few questions to ask yourself:
For The Women --
1. Would he still stay with you and consider marrying you if you didn't make him any sandwiches?
2. Would he still stay with you and consider marrying you if you didn't sleep with him?
3. Is he the kind of man who would stay with you if you were infertile or had other types of health problems?
4. Is he the kind of man who would appreciate your beauty even if you had some stretch marks and hemorrhoids from child-bearing? How about as you get older?
5. Is he the kind of man who would treat you with affection (both emotional and physical), even if you couldn't have sex for a little while -- such as after giving birth?
6. Is he the kind of man who would be a good father -- putting his children's needs before his own?
7. Is he patient, even-tempered, and good-humored?
8. Does he make you feel cherished and accepted JUST AS YOU ARE?
For The Men --
1. Would she still want to marry you even if you couldn't afford an engagement ring or a fancy honeymoon?
2. Does she care about your work, your stresses, your anxieties -- or are you just a source of fun and entertainment?
3. What is more important to her -- your happiness or the home decor?
4. Does she make a habit out of gossip?
5. How does she react to the antics of Miley Cyrus? (a.k.a. -- Is she compassionate?)
6. Is she the kind of woman who would be a good mother -- putting her children's needs before her own?
7. Is she patient, even-tempered, and good-humored?
8. Does she make you feel cherished and accepted JUST AS YOU ARE?
Tuesday, July 9, 2013
The Having Of Teenagers -- Part I
As you may or may not know, I have three kiddos. Two girls and a boy. Andrea, Bridget, and Scott. Twenty-four, twenty-three, and twenty. Soon to be 25, 23, and 21.
So yes, they have all been teenagers. And they are all still alive. And I am still alive. And my husband is still alive. We are all living in the same house, except for when Scott ventures forth to go away to college. The girls went away to college, too. But, they have graduated and are back at home. Andrea works. Bridget worked. Then her health issues acted up and she had to stay home for a while. She starts back to work again in a couple of weeks. Yay!
And since I am still alive after having raised three teenagers, and since they are all still living at home in relative peace with their father and I, I thought I'd talk a little about how to go about surviving the teenage years. Maybe I am full of crap, but here goes.
Yesterday, I read another mom's blog post about the rules she and her husband have come up with for their children regarding devices. You know, stuff like iPhones and iPads and iPods and TV and computers. She and her hubby devised a very long and very thorough set of rules for their children regarding these things. It was quite admirable. It also made my head spin and my stomach ache. Although, those symptoms were -- perhaps -- brought about by my menopausal state. I am unsure.
But, I started thinking about teenagers and rules. I never made any rules, either when my kids were young or when they were teens. By this I mean that I never had any formal set of rules that I wrote down in a long list. Why? Because I am lazy. And I could never have kept them straight. And do you know what happens when the mom can't keep the rules straight? I'll tell you.
This is what happens:
1. Child A: Can I do such and such?
2. Mom: Sure.
3. Child B: But that's against the rules you wrote down and posted on the fridge. See? Rule VII, Subrule C, Addendum iii.
4. Mom: Oh, yeah. So you can't do that, Child A.
5. Child A: That's SO UNFAIR! I HATE YOU CHILD B!!!
6. Mom: Is it time for a beer yet?
Firstly then, in talking about living with teens, I say, "Dispense with the rule lists." You can never be thorough enough to cover all contingencies. And if you are thorough enough to cover all contingencies, you will not be able to keep track of them in your head, especially when the menopausal hormones kick in, which they often do at right about the same time your children turn into teenagers.
What to do? To me, the simplest, most straight-forward thing to do actually starts when your kids are quite small. Be with them. Talk with them. Have fun times with them. Get to know them. Let them know you are a reasonable person. Let them see you being reasonable. Let them see you recover your reasonableness after you have lost it. After all, you will lose it from time to time. Apologize, recover, and move on. And do NOT, under ANY circumstances, take ANY shit from them whatsoever. This is quite important. You are the parent. You have the say-so. Have confidence in yourself in this area. Yes, be warm and nurturing. But, for God's sake, stand up and claim your parental power. Do not be afraid of your children.
Last week, I read an anecdote. Someone was in a Starbucks when he (she?) overheard a child of about 7 years old say to his parent, "If they don't have my coffee cake, I am going to lose my shit." EXCUSE ME? There is no possible way any of my kids would have ever gotten away with saying something like that. Either to me or to anybody else. That child would have been immediately whisked home with no coffee cake. Once home, it would have been made quite clear to that child that nothing like that was ever going to happen again. I'm not saying that physical punishment would have to be involved. But, there would have been a sitting down of that child and my eyes would have been about two inches from his and things would have been quite no-nonsense.
And do you know why? Kids who are seven years old say stupid things -- things they usually hear from other kids or other adults (or even their own parents). It is easy to say, "He is just seven." It is easy to let it go. It takes much less energy and effort to let it go. But, if you let it go when your child is seven, what kind of experience are you going to have with that child when he/she is a teen?
I do not mean to get on my high horse here and act like I am some kind of superior parent. I am not. I have failed mightily many times. I will continue to fail. But, I have learned some stuff from my failures and from looking around me. And one of the things I have learned is that, often, we parents get intimidated by our children. Why? We want them to be happy. We want them to be well-adjusted and confident and successful. We don't like it when they cry and have temper tantrums and get mad at us. I understand all that. But, I believe we can claim our parental authority and care about our children's self-esteem at the same time. It is a balancing act, and we will occasionally (or more than occasionally) lose our balance. But, we should strive for it.
In my next post, I will speak more specifically about teenagers and relating to them, with the understanding that the foundation for this relationship has been laid before your children turn into teenagers, because you have expected them to be honest, decent little people who treat others (including their own parents) with honesty and decency.
I see here that I have kind of strayed off of the specific topic of rules and rule lists, so I guess I can just summarize it this way:
*If your core idea is that you want your children to grow up to be people of moral integrity, just keep that in mind when you interact with them. Keep that in mind as you observe how they behave toward you and toward others. Everything grows organically from that. If that is your core, you don't need rule lists. Your children will understand where you are coming from as you travel with them and guide them through the hills and the valleys of their growing up. *
So yes, they have all been teenagers. And they are all still alive. And I am still alive. And my husband is still alive. We are all living in the same house, except for when Scott ventures forth to go away to college. The girls went away to college, too. But, they have graduated and are back at home. Andrea works. Bridget worked. Then her health issues acted up and she had to stay home for a while. She starts back to work again in a couple of weeks. Yay!
And since I am still alive after having raised three teenagers, and since they are all still living at home in relative peace with their father and I, I thought I'd talk a little about how to go about surviving the teenage years. Maybe I am full of crap, but here goes.
Yesterday, I read another mom's blog post about the rules she and her husband have come up with for their children regarding devices. You know, stuff like iPhones and iPads and iPods and TV and computers. She and her hubby devised a very long and very thorough set of rules for their children regarding these things. It was quite admirable. It also made my head spin and my stomach ache. Although, those symptoms were -- perhaps -- brought about by my menopausal state. I am unsure.
But, I started thinking about teenagers and rules. I never made any rules, either when my kids were young or when they were teens. By this I mean that I never had any formal set of rules that I wrote down in a long list. Why? Because I am lazy. And I could never have kept them straight. And do you know what happens when the mom can't keep the rules straight? I'll tell you.
This is what happens:
1. Child A: Can I do such and such?
2. Mom: Sure.
3. Child B: But that's against the rules you wrote down and posted on the fridge. See? Rule VII, Subrule C, Addendum iii.
4. Mom: Oh, yeah. So you can't do that, Child A.
5. Child A: That's SO UNFAIR! I HATE YOU CHILD B!!!
6. Mom: Is it time for a beer yet?
Firstly then, in talking about living with teens, I say, "Dispense with the rule lists." You can never be thorough enough to cover all contingencies. And if you are thorough enough to cover all contingencies, you will not be able to keep track of them in your head, especially when the menopausal hormones kick in, which they often do at right about the same time your children turn into teenagers.
What to do? To me, the simplest, most straight-forward thing to do actually starts when your kids are quite small. Be with them. Talk with them. Have fun times with them. Get to know them. Let them know you are a reasonable person. Let them see you being reasonable. Let them see you recover your reasonableness after you have lost it. After all, you will lose it from time to time. Apologize, recover, and move on. And do NOT, under ANY circumstances, take ANY shit from them whatsoever. This is quite important. You are the parent. You have the say-so. Have confidence in yourself in this area. Yes, be warm and nurturing. But, for God's sake, stand up and claim your parental power. Do not be afraid of your children.
Last week, I read an anecdote. Someone was in a Starbucks when he (she?) overheard a child of about 7 years old say to his parent, "If they don't have my coffee cake, I am going to lose my shit." EXCUSE ME? There is no possible way any of my kids would have ever gotten away with saying something like that. Either to me or to anybody else. That child would have been immediately whisked home with no coffee cake. Once home, it would have been made quite clear to that child that nothing like that was ever going to happen again. I'm not saying that physical punishment would have to be involved. But, there would have been a sitting down of that child and my eyes would have been about two inches from his and things would have been quite no-nonsense.
And do you know why? Kids who are seven years old say stupid things -- things they usually hear from other kids or other adults (or even their own parents). It is easy to say, "He is just seven." It is easy to let it go. It takes much less energy and effort to let it go. But, if you let it go when your child is seven, what kind of experience are you going to have with that child when he/she is a teen?
I do not mean to get on my high horse here and act like I am some kind of superior parent. I am not. I have failed mightily many times. I will continue to fail. But, I have learned some stuff from my failures and from looking around me. And one of the things I have learned is that, often, we parents get intimidated by our children. Why? We want them to be happy. We want them to be well-adjusted and confident and successful. We don't like it when they cry and have temper tantrums and get mad at us. I understand all that. But, I believe we can claim our parental authority and care about our children's self-esteem at the same time. It is a balancing act, and we will occasionally (or more than occasionally) lose our balance. But, we should strive for it.
In my next post, I will speak more specifically about teenagers and relating to them, with the understanding that the foundation for this relationship has been laid before your children turn into teenagers, because you have expected them to be honest, decent little people who treat others (including their own parents) with honesty and decency.
I see here that I have kind of strayed off of the specific topic of rules and rule lists, so I guess I can just summarize it this way:
*If your core idea is that you want your children to grow up to be people of moral integrity, just keep that in mind when you interact with them. Keep that in mind as you observe how they behave toward you and toward others. Everything grows organically from that. If that is your core, you don't need rule lists. Your children will understand where you are coming from as you travel with them and guide them through the hills and the valleys of their growing up. *
Monday, June 24, 2013
Having A Little Confidence In Your Legs
One of the reasons I like Ben McKenzie is that he gives me lots of ideas for things to blog about. Thanks, Mr. McKenzie!
For example, he did an interview (thoughtfully put online by the lovely lady from "Ben McKenzie News") in which he talks about four things he looks for in a gal. Two of them, in particular, struck me.
They are:
1. confidence
2. a good pair of legs.
I'm not sure if this interview was originally in print or done live. But, I imagine -- especially if it was done live -- that when he said the thing about the legs, at least 75% of the females who were listening to him looked down at their own pair, wondering if they measured up to Mr. McKenzie's standards. After all, he did not describe in any sort of detail what kinds of characteristics he looks for in legs. Does he like them long or short? Should the muscles be well-defined or softer and rounder? Are the calves or thighs of more interest to him? How about the knees? Does he care for tan skin or fair? I mean, when you start thinking about it, the whole thing can get a little overwhelming.
And this leads me to the idea of confidence.
In my experience, ladies don't tend to have a lot of confidence in their legs (or in their bodies, in general). They tend to be extremely hard on themselves -- and on each other. They complain that one part is "too fat," another part is "too thin." They tell themselves that they are "too bony" here or "too flabby" there. They put themselves under a dissecting microscope and have at it, judging themselves in the harshest manner.
All of this makes me sad.
Because, now that I am 50 and looking at my daughters (who are 23 and 24), at their friends, at the young women in my little town, and at all the youthful ladies I see as I travel here and there for various reasons, I realize something. Virtually all young women (and by that, I mean those 35 and under) are lovely. Please don't get me wrong. Older women are lovely, too. But, it's the younger ones who are especially hard on themselves, so they are the ones I am addressing right now.
So, young women, hear me. You are beautiful. Most of you groom yourselves well. You shower and do your hair and put something on that makes you feel pretty. You smile and laugh and have fun. You have spunk. And you have nice legs, too. Whether they are a little larger or a little smaller, a bit longer or a tad shorter, your young legs look cute dressed in the stylish shorts, pants, and skirts that you wear. They look cute when you walk around with your friends, getting coffee in the mall or going to the movies or dancing in a club. And not just your legs look cute. The rest of you looks adorable, too.
Therefore:
Have a little confidence in yourselves. Have confidence that you are beautiful -- but not only that. Have confidence in your intelligence and your abilities. Let your natural goodness and enthusiasm shine through. And don't worry about what others might think of your legs or any other part of you. Be happy in yourselves. Know in your heart that you can create lives and friendships that will be rewarding and satisfying.
Because, I must admit, Mr. McKenzie does have a point. When you are confident, you will be attractive. But, it needs to be authentic confidence. The kind of confidence that -- if you happened to run into Mr. McKenzie somewhere -- would allow you to look him in the eye and smile warmly, not worrying about what he is thinking of your legs. For I believe that Mr. McKenzie -- seeming to be a truly good sort of guy -- and any other guy worth your time and attention, is going to be looking at the totality of you as a person. He's not going to be spending a great deal of time rating your body parts. A worthwhile guy wants to be with somebody who cares about him, who cares about others, who can converse with him about interesting things, and (maybe I am getting ahead of myself here, but what the hell) who might be a good mother. A good guy realizes that when he falls in love and makes a commitment that the woman he chooses is going to get older, along with her body parts. And he will have the maturity to deal with that.
For example, he did an interview (thoughtfully put online by the lovely lady from "Ben McKenzie News") in which he talks about four things he looks for in a gal. Two of them, in particular, struck me.
They are:
1. confidence
2. a good pair of legs.
I'm not sure if this interview was originally in print or done live. But, I imagine -- especially if it was done live -- that when he said the thing about the legs, at least 75% of the females who were listening to him looked down at their own pair, wondering if they measured up to Mr. McKenzie's standards. After all, he did not describe in any sort of detail what kinds of characteristics he looks for in legs. Does he like them long or short? Should the muscles be well-defined or softer and rounder? Are the calves or thighs of more interest to him? How about the knees? Does he care for tan skin or fair? I mean, when you start thinking about it, the whole thing can get a little overwhelming.
And this leads me to the idea of confidence.
In my experience, ladies don't tend to have a lot of confidence in their legs (or in their bodies, in general). They tend to be extremely hard on themselves -- and on each other. They complain that one part is "too fat," another part is "too thin." They tell themselves that they are "too bony" here or "too flabby" there. They put themselves under a dissecting microscope and have at it, judging themselves in the harshest manner.
All of this makes me sad.
Because, now that I am 50 and looking at my daughters (who are 23 and 24), at their friends, at the young women in my little town, and at all the youthful ladies I see as I travel here and there for various reasons, I realize something. Virtually all young women (and by that, I mean those 35 and under) are lovely. Please don't get me wrong. Older women are lovely, too. But, it's the younger ones who are especially hard on themselves, so they are the ones I am addressing right now.
So, young women, hear me. You are beautiful. Most of you groom yourselves well. You shower and do your hair and put something on that makes you feel pretty. You smile and laugh and have fun. You have spunk. And you have nice legs, too. Whether they are a little larger or a little smaller, a bit longer or a tad shorter, your young legs look cute dressed in the stylish shorts, pants, and skirts that you wear. They look cute when you walk around with your friends, getting coffee in the mall or going to the movies or dancing in a club. And not just your legs look cute. The rest of you looks adorable, too.
Therefore:
Have a little confidence in yourselves. Have confidence that you are beautiful -- but not only that. Have confidence in your intelligence and your abilities. Let your natural goodness and enthusiasm shine through. And don't worry about what others might think of your legs or any other part of you. Be happy in yourselves. Know in your heart that you can create lives and friendships that will be rewarding and satisfying.
Because, I must admit, Mr. McKenzie does have a point. When you are confident, you will be attractive. But, it needs to be authentic confidence. The kind of confidence that -- if you happened to run into Mr. McKenzie somewhere -- would allow you to look him in the eye and smile warmly, not worrying about what he is thinking of your legs. For I believe that Mr. McKenzie -- seeming to be a truly good sort of guy -- and any other guy worth your time and attention, is going to be looking at the totality of you as a person. He's not going to be spending a great deal of time rating your body parts. A worthwhile guy wants to be with somebody who cares about him, who cares about others, who can converse with him about interesting things, and (maybe I am getting ahead of myself here, but what the hell) who might be a good mother. A good guy realizes that when he falls in love and makes a commitment that the woman he chooses is going to get older, along with her body parts. And he will have the maturity to deal with that.
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
What Guys Want
....and I am not talking about sex.
I am 49 years old now. I have seen a lot of interactions between young men and women, middle-aged men and women, and even older men and women. I have heard and participated in many conversations with other women about boyfriends and husbands. Occasionally, a man has spoken to me about his girlfriend or wife. And this is what I have decided:
WOMEN CAN BE VERY HARD ON MEN.
Now, I am not saying that some men don't deserve women to be hard on them. There are some men who are not good to women. There are some men who are egocentric, abusive, sociopathic. For the purposes of this conversation, I am not talking about those men. I am talking about normal men. Men who are generally well-intentioned, hard-working, good-hearted people. And women can be pretty brutal to even these types of nice guys.
When women get together -- over coffee, at parks and playgrounds, at our kids' sporting events, at work -- we will sometimes talk about our boyfriends or husbands. And this talk can often be critical: He works too much. He got laid off and isn't trying hard enough to get another job. He doesn't make enough money, and he really could make more if he tried. He doesn't help enough with the kids. He doesn't help enough with the housework. He doesn't care about the new paint colors for the kitchen. He forgets to take out the trash. He is not romantic. He doesn't bring me flowers or gifts. He just falls asleep after dinner. And on and on.... And you can bet we women make sure our men know how we are feeling. Even if we don't actually say the words, our guys know how we are feeling by means of body language, facial expressions, and lack of emotional and physical affection.
I often have the impression that we women think that our disapproving attitudes will somehow inspire our guys to improve. Well, uh, no. That is not going to happen. At least, I have never seen it happen. And lest you think that I believe I am some sort of perfect woman here to instruct you, I will tell you right now that I have learned this lesson by experience -- not just by the experience of others, but by my own experience, as well. I have been, and can be, quite the bitch, if you will. And it has taught me a few things. A few things about what guys really want.
Yes, guys want sex. But, even more than -- or, at least as much as -- sex, guys want actual relationships. And they want actual relationships with women who care about them. With women who are warm and affirming. Do guys really care all that much about our fashionable clothes, the beautiful highlights in our hair, our flawless make-up jobs, even our "power breasts" (courtesy of Victoria's Secret)? Do guys require us to have perfectly toned bodies with even tans? Not so much.... I have come to believe that guys want to be with women who value them as human beings, who will truly listen to them, who will have reasonable expectations of them, who will cut them some slack when they aren't perfect, who have a good sense of humor, a ready laugh and smile. And then you will see these guys come through -- really come through -- because they are treasured as people, and not looked upon as a means to an end.
One often hears about how men "objectify" women. But, women can "objectify" men just as much. So, next time we are unhappy with our guys, let's do a little soul-searching before we start withholding our approval, our affection, and even our love....
I hope I do not sound too "preachy" here. I freely admit to being in the proverbial "glass house." And I know that sometimes relationships just do not work out, in spite of the best efforts of the people involved. I also do not mean to place all the blame for an unhappy relationship solely on the woman. These are just lessons I have learned and mistakes I have made along the way; and I hate to see what could be a very happy relationship suffer unnecessary damage.
I am 49 years old now. I have seen a lot of interactions between young men and women, middle-aged men and women, and even older men and women. I have heard and participated in many conversations with other women about boyfriends and husbands. Occasionally, a man has spoken to me about his girlfriend or wife. And this is what I have decided:
WOMEN CAN BE VERY HARD ON MEN.
Now, I am not saying that some men don't deserve women to be hard on them. There are some men who are not good to women. There are some men who are egocentric, abusive, sociopathic. For the purposes of this conversation, I am not talking about those men. I am talking about normal men. Men who are generally well-intentioned, hard-working, good-hearted people. And women can be pretty brutal to even these types of nice guys.
When women get together -- over coffee, at parks and playgrounds, at our kids' sporting events, at work -- we will sometimes talk about our boyfriends or husbands. And this talk can often be critical: He works too much. He got laid off and isn't trying hard enough to get another job. He doesn't make enough money, and he really could make more if he tried. He doesn't help enough with the kids. He doesn't help enough with the housework. He doesn't care about the new paint colors for the kitchen. He forgets to take out the trash. He is not romantic. He doesn't bring me flowers or gifts. He just falls asleep after dinner. And on and on.... And you can bet we women make sure our men know how we are feeling. Even if we don't actually say the words, our guys know how we are feeling by means of body language, facial expressions, and lack of emotional and physical affection.
I often have the impression that we women think that our disapproving attitudes will somehow inspire our guys to improve. Well, uh, no. That is not going to happen. At least, I have never seen it happen. And lest you think that I believe I am some sort of perfect woman here to instruct you, I will tell you right now that I have learned this lesson by experience -- not just by the experience of others, but by my own experience, as well. I have been, and can be, quite the bitch, if you will. And it has taught me a few things. A few things about what guys really want.
Yes, guys want sex. But, even more than -- or, at least as much as -- sex, guys want actual relationships. And they want actual relationships with women who care about them. With women who are warm and affirming. Do guys really care all that much about our fashionable clothes, the beautiful highlights in our hair, our flawless make-up jobs, even our "power breasts" (courtesy of Victoria's Secret)? Do guys require us to have perfectly toned bodies with even tans? Not so much.... I have come to believe that guys want to be with women who value them as human beings, who will truly listen to them, who will have reasonable expectations of them, who will cut them some slack when they aren't perfect, who have a good sense of humor, a ready laugh and smile. And then you will see these guys come through -- really come through -- because they are treasured as people, and not looked upon as a means to an end.
One often hears about how men "objectify" women. But, women can "objectify" men just as much. So, next time we are unhappy with our guys, let's do a little soul-searching before we start withholding our approval, our affection, and even our love....
I hope I do not sound too "preachy" here. I freely admit to being in the proverbial "glass house." And I know that sometimes relationships just do not work out, in spite of the best efforts of the people involved. I also do not mean to place all the blame for an unhappy relationship solely on the woman. These are just lessons I have learned and mistakes I have made along the way; and I hate to see what could be a very happy relationship suffer unnecessary damage.
Monday, September 17, 2012
"Boys And Girls Together"
Dating. I really don't know much about it, as I didn't do a whole lot of it before I got married. I went out with a few people once or twice. And the memory of at least one of those dates makes me want to bury my head in the sand. I had one serious relationship before I met my husband, which did not end well. And I met my husband when I was 22. Therefore, not a lot of experience, compared to others. Lately, though, my kids and their friends have caused me to reflect on dating, so I will lob my grenade, if you will.
On Saturday, I went out with my girls for shopping and lunch, and we started to talk about guys and relationships. Many of their friends and acquaintances have been tossing ideas about concerning what a "proper" guy should act like towards a girl, and what a girl should look for in a guy. Some of these ideas, to me, are a bit harsh toward the poor guys. It seems as though these young males are being expected to act like some never-before-seen-on-the-face-of-the-planet, hormone-less, perfectly well-mannered, cartoon-character princes. "Don't you dare call me 'hot,' or I will look down my nose at you forever," some of these girls seem to be saying. "Put me on a pedestal and chastely gaze upon me, without even daring to let it enter your mind how much fun it might be to make out," is the attitude I am seeing.
Now, I am not suggesting that manners and chivalry are unimportant. And I do realize that a relationship, in order to be healthy and lasting, needs to develop in a way that facilitates those things. A healthy, lasting relationship needs to be developed on the basis of friendship, mutual respect, a true concern for the well- being of the other, tenderness, compassion. And true love comes about only when the other person is as important to you as you are to yourself, implying a certain mode of behavior toward that other person.
Let's be real, though. When a guy (or a gal) chooses someone to date and perhaps to marry, he is going to choose someone who is physically attractive to him. He is going to be sexually interested. He is going to think she is "hot." And you should not smack him down for this. Just be flattered. Because a guy can think you are admirable, smart, funny, interesting, virtuous, and "hot" all at the same time. These are not mutually exclusive qualities. And there is a lot to be said for a guy who just acts "normal" about women. A guy who neither treats women as mere sex-objects nor puts them on pedestals. A guy who, on a Saturday night date, might enjoy intelligent conversation, a Van Halen concert, and a great kiss good-night. A guy who, the following morning, might accompany you to church (followed, of course, by brunch). Sounds like a good weekend to me.
This brings me back to the conversation I had with my daughters while we were on our little outing a couple of days ago. I told them that the first things I noticed about their dad was that he was very handsome ("hot," you might say) and that he had this awesome little red car, which he drove maybe a little bit too fast. Those were the things that sparked my interest. Those were the things that made me want to talk to him. But, upon talking to him, I discovered a person who was kind, compassionate, intelligent, funny, and deeply spiritual. I also discovered a person who loved rock-n-roll. (He can tell you which Van Halen songs belong to which Van Halen albums. He knows all the lyrics, too. At least for the first several albums.) And rock-n-roll is very important for the long-term health of a relationship. Because any healthy relationship, aside from all the other qualities already mentioned, requires not just a little bit of fun... ;-)
On Saturday, I went out with my girls for shopping and lunch, and we started to talk about guys and relationships. Many of their friends and acquaintances have been tossing ideas about concerning what a "proper" guy should act like towards a girl, and what a girl should look for in a guy. Some of these ideas, to me, are a bit harsh toward the poor guys. It seems as though these young males are being expected to act like some never-before-seen-on-the-face-of-the-planet, hormone-less, perfectly well-mannered, cartoon-character princes. "Don't you dare call me 'hot,' or I will look down my nose at you forever," some of these girls seem to be saying. "Put me on a pedestal and chastely gaze upon me, without even daring to let it enter your mind how much fun it might be to make out," is the attitude I am seeing.
Now, I am not suggesting that manners and chivalry are unimportant. And I do realize that a relationship, in order to be healthy and lasting, needs to develop in a way that facilitates those things. A healthy, lasting relationship needs to be developed on the basis of friendship, mutual respect, a true concern for the well- being of the other, tenderness, compassion. And true love comes about only when the other person is as important to you as you are to yourself, implying a certain mode of behavior toward that other person.
Let's be real, though. When a guy (or a gal) chooses someone to date and perhaps to marry, he is going to choose someone who is physically attractive to him. He is going to be sexually interested. He is going to think she is "hot." And you should not smack him down for this. Just be flattered. Because a guy can think you are admirable, smart, funny, interesting, virtuous, and "hot" all at the same time. These are not mutually exclusive qualities. And there is a lot to be said for a guy who just acts "normal" about women. A guy who neither treats women as mere sex-objects nor puts them on pedestals. A guy who, on a Saturday night date, might enjoy intelligent conversation, a Van Halen concert, and a great kiss good-night. A guy who, the following morning, might accompany you to church (followed, of course, by brunch). Sounds like a good weekend to me.
This brings me back to the conversation I had with my daughters while we were on our little outing a couple of days ago. I told them that the first things I noticed about their dad was that he was very handsome ("hot," you might say) and that he had this awesome little red car, which he drove maybe a little bit too fast. Those were the things that sparked my interest. Those were the things that made me want to talk to him. But, upon talking to him, I discovered a person who was kind, compassionate, intelligent, funny, and deeply spiritual. I also discovered a person who loved rock-n-roll. (He can tell you which Van Halen songs belong to which Van Halen albums. He knows all the lyrics, too. At least for the first several albums.) And rock-n-roll is very important for the long-term health of a relationship. Because any healthy relationship, aside from all the other qualities already mentioned, requires not just a little bit of fun... ;-)
Thursday, September 13, 2012
Hell, No -- I Really Don't Know
Do I know what makes a relationship work? Hell, no...
I have been married for 25 years to a really great guy. We have had our ups, downs, and in-betweens. We have had smooth sailing, and sometimes we have hung on for dear life. Catholic talking heads, like the kind you see on EWTN, would say that we have stayed together because of: our shared faith, the Grace of the Sacrament of Matrimony, our embrace of the teachings of the Church in sexual (and other) matters, and our regular participation in Mass and the Sacraments. In short, certain Catholic talking heads would attribute our marital success to our Catholic-ness. They would probably have a good point.
I have been reflecting on relationships lately, though. And just this morning, I had a lovely exchange with my husband that has inspired me to write about this topic, and its seeming complexity. Because things aren't always as cut-and-dried as they may seem to be. Thank the Good Lord.
(Back Story: On Sunday, a couple of men who I really like and admire were criticizing modern Church music. These men really do not like modern Church music. At least that's the impression they give. And they were describing how certain lyrics of certain songs promote the "gay agenda". Now, I have been singing these particular songs for years. And it has never entered my mind that the lyrics promote the "gay agenda" in any way, shape, or form. In fact, I have found these lyrics to be a balm to my soul at certain points in my life. Now, I don't know for sure the intentions of the composers of these songs. But, I do know that things can be taken in many different ways, and I have always felt that you should not attribute bad motives to others unless you are absolutely sure and it is absolutely necessary. Sort of like that "Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds" song. There is more than one way to look at it. And even if the lyrics are, in fact, promoting the "gay agenda", is that necessarily a bad thing? Because, as far as I can tell, the words are simply a baring of the true self to God, with faith in God's love and mercy. And if you actually read the Catechism of the Catholic Church concerning gay people, you will see that God has much love for them, right where they are. So, when these men were voicing their opinions about these songs, I went and opened my big mouth and told them the opinion that I just stated for you. They seemed to be a little taken aback, and one of them was very apologetic.)
So, this morning, my husband said to me, as he was getting ready for work: I was really proud of you on Sunday, for standing up to so-and-so and such-and-such about the song lyrics and the gay people. I agree with you. And I was really proud of you.
Wow.
Now, my husband is a very traditional Catholic. He accepts all the teachings of the Church on faith and morals. Sometimes, we have had heated debates over these things, when I have had a harder time accepting some of them. So, on Sunday, I was not sure what he thought about what I said. He stayed pretty quiet throughout the "conversation" I had with the two dudes. But, he was proud of me. And he told me so. It made me think he was very sexy.
So, what makes a relationship work? Grace. All is Grace. But, sometimes Grace is not where or what or how we expect it to be. I have met people who think that if you follow the "right" Catholic formula, all will be well with their marriage. And I have seen this not turn out to be the case. I have seen people pronounce that those who have pre-marital sex or who live together before marriage will have bad marriages. And I have seen this not turn out to be the case. I have heard it proclaimed that using contraception will wreck your relationship with your spouse. And I have seen this not turn out to be the case. Alternatively, I have been told that if a couple practices Natural Family Planning and shuns all contraceptives that they will have a good marriage. Again, I have seen this not turn out to be the case. I have also heard it said that a person who "leaves" the Church and marries a person not of the True Faith is dooming that relationship to ultimate failure. Yep -- not always the case. In fact, the people I know who have done this have very happy, very successful, marriages and families. They are leading outstanding lives.
Now, I am not proposing that Catholic people leave the Church, throw away Humanae Vitae, and do whatever they please. That is not at all what I am suggesting. I am simply suggesting this: God and His Grace are a lot more complicated than we think they are. The factors that affect a relationship are not so simple. So, perhaps we should not be too quick to judge how another couple's relationship might go. Perhaps we have no right to judge another couple's relationship at all. And, maybe, we should not take the success of our own marriages for granted, even if we are doing all the "right" things.
So, what makes a relationship work? I really don't have a definitive answer. I have seen too many unexpected things in my life. But, there are a few things I do know, which were brought home to me today when my husband told me how proud he was of me. If you want to be loved, you've got to love. If you want to be cherished, you've got to cherish. Even if you don't feel like it all the time. You've got to let the other person know that he or she is valued, that his or her thoughts and opinions matter to you, even if you don't agree with all of them. You've got to let the other person know that you're in his or her corner. That you are together in this adventure called "life".
And if we see the ship of another couple's relationship hit the rocks and shatter, let's not jump to conclusions, let's not judge. Because it might have been our relationships hitting those rocks. Heck, it might someday be our relationships hitting those rocks. Even if we do everything "right".
I have been married for 25 years to a really great guy. We have had our ups, downs, and in-betweens. We have had smooth sailing, and sometimes we have hung on for dear life. Catholic talking heads, like the kind you see on EWTN, would say that we have stayed together because of: our shared faith, the Grace of the Sacrament of Matrimony, our embrace of the teachings of the Church in sexual (and other) matters, and our regular participation in Mass and the Sacraments. In short, certain Catholic talking heads would attribute our marital success to our Catholic-ness. They would probably have a good point.
I have been reflecting on relationships lately, though. And just this morning, I had a lovely exchange with my husband that has inspired me to write about this topic, and its seeming complexity. Because things aren't always as cut-and-dried as they may seem to be. Thank the Good Lord.
(Back Story: On Sunday, a couple of men who I really like and admire were criticizing modern Church music. These men really do not like modern Church music. At least that's the impression they give. And they were describing how certain lyrics of certain songs promote the "gay agenda". Now, I have been singing these particular songs for years. And it has never entered my mind that the lyrics promote the "gay agenda" in any way, shape, or form. In fact, I have found these lyrics to be a balm to my soul at certain points in my life. Now, I don't know for sure the intentions of the composers of these songs. But, I do know that things can be taken in many different ways, and I have always felt that you should not attribute bad motives to others unless you are absolutely sure and it is absolutely necessary. Sort of like that "Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds" song. There is more than one way to look at it. And even if the lyrics are, in fact, promoting the "gay agenda", is that necessarily a bad thing? Because, as far as I can tell, the words are simply a baring of the true self to God, with faith in God's love and mercy. And if you actually read the Catechism of the Catholic Church concerning gay people, you will see that God has much love for them, right where they are. So, when these men were voicing their opinions about these songs, I went and opened my big mouth and told them the opinion that I just stated for you. They seemed to be a little taken aback, and one of them was very apologetic.)
So, this morning, my husband said to me, as he was getting ready for work: I was really proud of you on Sunday, for standing up to so-and-so and such-and-such about the song lyrics and the gay people. I agree with you. And I was really proud of you.
Wow.
Now, my husband is a very traditional Catholic. He accepts all the teachings of the Church on faith and morals. Sometimes, we have had heated debates over these things, when I have had a harder time accepting some of them. So, on Sunday, I was not sure what he thought about what I said. He stayed pretty quiet throughout the "conversation" I had with the two dudes. But, he was proud of me. And he told me so. It made me think he was very sexy.
So, what makes a relationship work? Grace. All is Grace. But, sometimes Grace is not where or what or how we expect it to be. I have met people who think that if you follow the "right" Catholic formula, all will be well with their marriage. And I have seen this not turn out to be the case. I have seen people pronounce that those who have pre-marital sex or who live together before marriage will have bad marriages. And I have seen this not turn out to be the case. I have heard it proclaimed that using contraception will wreck your relationship with your spouse. And I have seen this not turn out to be the case. Alternatively, I have been told that if a couple practices Natural Family Planning and shuns all contraceptives that they will have a good marriage. Again, I have seen this not turn out to be the case. I have also heard it said that a person who "leaves" the Church and marries a person not of the True Faith is dooming that relationship to ultimate failure. Yep -- not always the case. In fact, the people I know who have done this have very happy, very successful, marriages and families. They are leading outstanding lives.
Now, I am not proposing that Catholic people leave the Church, throw away Humanae Vitae, and do whatever they please. That is not at all what I am suggesting. I am simply suggesting this: God and His Grace are a lot more complicated than we think they are. The factors that affect a relationship are not so simple. So, perhaps we should not be too quick to judge how another couple's relationship might go. Perhaps we have no right to judge another couple's relationship at all. And, maybe, we should not take the success of our own marriages for granted, even if we are doing all the "right" things.
So, what makes a relationship work? I really don't have a definitive answer. I have seen too many unexpected things in my life. But, there are a few things I do know, which were brought home to me today when my husband told me how proud he was of me. If you want to be loved, you've got to love. If you want to be cherished, you've got to cherish. Even if you don't feel like it all the time. You've got to let the other person know that he or she is valued, that his or her thoughts and opinions matter to you, even if you don't agree with all of them. You've got to let the other person know that you're in his or her corner. That you are together in this adventure called "life".
And if we see the ship of another couple's relationship hit the rocks and shatter, let's not jump to conclusions, let's not judge. Because it might have been our relationships hitting those rocks. Heck, it might someday be our relationships hitting those rocks. Even if we do everything "right".
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