There is something I have noticed over the years.
Now, this isn't to pick on anybody or point to anybody in particular.
It's just something I have noticed.
And I think it isn't fair.
When you listen to the radio or peruse various reading materials or go online, you will often see things about marriage. You will often see things about Christian women in marriage. And often, there are Christian women speaking out or asking questions about difficulties that arise in their marriages.
And -- it seems to me -- that 9 times out of 10, the advice dispensed is contingent upon the idea that it is, somehow, the Christian women's fault that they are having marital difficulties.
These at-fault women are too demanding of their poor, overworked husbands.
The unreasonable women expect their poor, overworked husbands to help them -- with the kids, around the house, in the yard, with errands.
The not-Christian-enough women want their poor, overworked husbands to have a conversation with them in the evening.
The high-need women want their poor, overworked husbands to do fun things with them on the weekends.
The mean women sometimes don't feel like having sex with their poor, overworked husbands. And sometimes the mean women do want to have sex with their poor, overworked husbands. The women's sex drives seem to cause problems for their poor, overworked husbands, in either case.
And these not-faithful-to-God-enough women go to radio talk show hosts and reading materials and the Internet to try to get some advice about how to make their marriages happier. They present their problems -- as they experience them -- and sincerely seek help.
And -- 9 out of 10 times -- they are told that it is their fault.
They are told that their husbands work so very hard for them and their children, to provide for them. They are told that they should be patient and comforting and align their own sexual needs and desires to those of their poor, overworked husbands. They are told that they are home all day, without the demands of demanding bosses and demanding co-workers. They are told that they have the freedom to do what they want with their days, while their husbands slave away for the family at stressful jobs. They are told that God will smile upon them and their husbands will be nice to them if they just quit being demanding and just be good mommies and homemakers. They are told that of course their husbands are going to avoid coming home and be unhelpful and -- I have heard this -- have affairs if they don't learn to be soft, gentle, understanding wives with clean, orderly homes, readily aligning themselves to their husbands sexual appetite (or lack thereof). They are told that if they would just be "good enough" in their own role as mother and homemaker that their marital problems will improve. They are told to take responsibility for their unhappiness as wives, because it is, essentially, their own fault.
Yes. This is what I hear/read 9 out of 10 times when I come across women talking about marital difficulties on the radio, in print, and online.
And I'm not saying that women shouldn't try to be good to their husbands. Of course they should. But, baby, it is a two-way street. And it isn't all the women's fault. And I am sick of hearing that it is.
Being a wife and mom is hard, too. It is a LOT of work. It is a 24/7 job. And women get tired and stressed and overworked just like men do. And there are no sick days. And there is no vacation time. And there is no HR department that you can complain to if somebody screams and cries and throws a tantrum at you while you are on the job. There is, basically, no relief. And no adult conversation. And no lunches out or in the cafeteria. And no exercise room.
Dear Marital Advice People (Especially You Christian Ones) -- Stop Blaming It All On The Ladies -- Because That Is Complete And Utter Nonsense -- Best Regards, Marla :)
(And no. This is not a veiled complaint about my hubby. I wouldn't do that.)