Yesterday, I commented on how my mom used to tell me that I was a "shit disturber." She said this to me very, very often as I was growing up -- probably from the time I was about 7 or 8 years old. This used to upset me a great deal. I didn't mean to be a "shit disturber." I just tended to say things that got people all riled up.
It has taken me a very long time to accept the fact that I am a "shit disturber." I have often tried to hide it. I have often been very ashamed of it. I used to consider it one of my big sinful failings. But then, I wondered -- what if it is actually a gift, this being a shit disturber? What if it is one of my purposes in life? That sounds rather delusional, I know. And it probably is. Jesus did say, after all, "Blessed are the peacemakers." Although, what if what He actually said was in fact "cheesemakers"?
But -- for good or for ill -- the fact is that I am, indeed, a "shit disturber." And -- often -- it is all pretty unintentional. But, I have also been trying to use this rather problematic aspect of my personality in a more intentional manner. I have been deploying it -- more often than not -- knowing full well what I am doing.
Why, you may wonder, do I do this?
Because, sometimes, I see things that really piss me off. And I just feel the need to throw some grease onto the fire. It is just this very visceral need.
Now, do I think I am correct in my opinions all the time while I am launching these grenades?
NO. I often have very detailed debates with myself about my own opinions. I know "my side" is not the only side. I know that my perspective is only my perspective.
But, I've seen and experienced a lot of crap. I've seen and experienced injustice. I hear stuff that just makes me roll my eyes. And I know many people -- young and old and in-between -- who just don't fit into the neat little molds that others would have them fit into. I know many people -- young and old and in-between -- who have suffered from the (often unwitting) ignorance and narrow-mindedness of (often well-intentioned) people. And I know that I have often been the unwitting, well-intentioned person who has caused suffering to those who don't fit into my version of how things "should" be.
I also have seen many, many people -- young and old and in-between -- get told about how "God's will" works by those who are quite sincere. In fact, I have been the "victim" of some of these people myself. So have my kids. And their friends. But -- many times, anyway -- the people explaining "God's will" really don't have the knowledge or authority to do so. It can get a little prideful. And it can be VERY, VERY difficult for the "victims" of these well-meaning "mentors," who seem to be so holy and faithful themselves. Because the "victims" -- if they disagree with the "mentors" -- not only feel that they are, perhaps, disappointing a friend, but that they are disappointing God, even sinning.
This is the thing. God's will is complicated. EXTRAORDINARILY complicated. It involves God (of course) and a person. A person with a past and a present. A person with experiences that are not your experiences. A person with hidden crosses. A person with a unique psychological make-up. A person with a FREE WILL and an INDIVIDUAL CONSCIENCE -- things that are not to be messed with by anybody else, even those who consider themselves "faithful."
And to tell somebody that if something is God's will that it WILL happen? I don't know. I think that's a very simplistic, human way of looking at something that is of God. After all, people are not puppets and God is not a puppet master. And you know what the Bible says -- "God's ways are so far above our ways and God's thoughts above our thoughts..." Also, to say this to a young, immature, impressionable person could just really be asking for A LOT of trouble. And this I know. I have seen it. Repeatedly.
Maybe I'm just disturbing the shit here. I don't know. I just hate to see people -- especially young people -- end up rather disullusioned about God, not because of anything God has done, but because of what His people have done in His name.