Gotham: Okay. Where is the damn ring??? ;p

If we knew the answer to this question, it would clear a whole lotta things up.

"What ring?" you may be asking.

BARBARA'S ENGAGEMENT RING.

Because I believe she had one. If she didn't, this whole post is pointless and you may as well click away now.

Barbara, if you are not aware, is (or was) engaged to Jim Gordon. After being kidnapped by one of the seemingly infinite array of gangsters running around Gotham City, she ended up "taking a break" from Jim. She left him a "Dear John" letter -- as well as her fancy apartment -- and headed back into the arms of her long-ago lover, Renee Montoya. I don't blame her really. Renee -- in many ways -- is much less annoying than Jim. I mean, I love Jim. Jim is great. But, he would be a rather difficult man with whom to be involved. He is intelligent, honest, handsome, looks nice in a suit, and -- apparently -- mixes a good cocktail. On the other hand, he is stubborn, rather emotionally unavailable, and so gung-ho and hard-charging that he probably would not be the most relaxing person with whom to pass a pleasant Sunday afternoon watching the Dallas Cowboys. After observing Jim for a while, it's kinda easy to understand why Barbara drinks a little.

Anyway...

Back to the "Dear John" letter.

We see Jim reading said letter and then leaving Barbara a heartfelt phone message -- begging her to come back to him. As he leaves this message, Barbara is in the arms of Renee. This little scene led many in the "Gotham" fandom to "hate on" Barbara. (Ben McKenzie really does know how to do those facial expressions that get you totally on his side. My Bridget thinks -- based on these facial expressions -- that his teachers probably let him get away with a whole lot of stuff when he was a little boy.) But if you close your eyes and ignore the facial expressions and stay calm for a moment, I would like to point out one thing. It did not take long for our hero to find himself a new girlfriend -- all before even tracking down Barbara and talking with her. I mean -- come on -- the man is a DETECTIVE. Don't tell me he couldn't have found Barbara. He knows Barbara used to be involved with Renee. If I were a detective, I think I'd know where to look first. Come to think of it, maybe this is why Gotham is in such a mess. Do ALL their law enforcement officials have such weak powers of deductive reasoning? That would explain much. No offense Jim, but I don't think you tried all that hard here.

(Now I am going to get "hated on.") ;-)

But -- STOP.

JUST STOP.

There is one little question that would solve this whole conundrum of who is in the right and who is in the wrong and who (if anybody) should be "hated on."

And that is -- WHERE IS THE DAMN ENGAGEMENT RING???

THIS IS THE KEY QUESTION.

If Barbara kept the ring, then we should "hate on" BOTH her and Jim. Because that would mean they are still "technically" engaged. If the lady says, "We need to take a break," AND she keeps the ring, then she really hasn't broken off the engagement and she shouldn't be in anybody else's arms. Period. End of story. ESPECIALLY if her man is on a detective's salary. And if the man has not gotten back the ring, then it is his obligation to track down said ring AND the lady to whom he gave it, requesting (respectfully, of course) some answers as to their relationship status, before he takes up with a beautiful doctor. ESPECIALLY if that man is a detective, who would be logically assumed to possess "detecting" skills.

If -- on the other hand -- Barbara left the ring, along with the "Dear John" letter, for Jim to find, then both are off the hook. The engagement is over, called off, nullified. Period. End of story. And each party is free to be in somebody else's arms. Although -- perhaps -- they might find their new lovers in a way which employs a bit more good, old-fashioned, Italian common sense/suspicion. One thing we know, for sure, is that both Jim and Barbara are lacking competent Italian mothers. We've seen Barbara's mother, of course. And she's obviously NOT Italian. Not at all. If Barbara were my daughter, I would have met her at the door with coffee, cookies, and a good rehab doctor. We haven't seen Jim's mother, but she is -- evidently -- no better than Ben Sherman's. And we all know how that turned out. And if you don't know how that turned out, you'd better go watch "SouthLAnd." Right now.

Because...

"SouthLAnd" forever... ;-)

A Kickstarter "SouthLAnd" Movie Pitch Video

First of all, I would like to apologize.  I know I keep going on and on and on about this "SouthLAnd" movie.  And that would be one thing if I actually had any credentials in the movie-making field.  As it is, though, I'm probably driving you all nuts.  So sorry. :(

Anyway, this should be my last post on the subject.  I don't really think I can do anymore from here in my bedroom.  Then I'll go back to posting about my other "fields of expertise" -- religion and politics.  Oh, yeah -- and mom stuff.  And tales from the "hippie era".

So, as promised the other day, here are some ideas for -->

A KICKSTARTER PITCH VIDEO (a.k.a. the video that will get the fans to open their wallets):

I have noticed, over the years, that people are very reluctant to open their wallets.  For anything.  Even for stuff they believe in.  A lot of this is very legitimate.  People don't generally have much disposable income, especially these days.  But, some of the problem is that they are not sufficiently inspired.  They need a little fire lit under their rear ends.  How do we ignite that conflagration?

To me, there are four ingredients to this recipe:

     1.  The Product/Story:  The fans have to be confident that the "SouthLAnd" movie will make all their dreams come true -- their dreams for the overall story and their dreams for the characters.  Maybe this is a slight exaggeration, but I think it's basically accurate.  I am not much of a Bible quoter -- because I am a Catholic and everybody knows that we Catholics don't know our Bible quotes -- but there is one I would like to mention here.  It is Jeremiah 29:11-13 -- "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."  I think this quote goes to the core of our human nature, to the core of our hearts.  It encompasses what we desire for ourselves and those we care about.  It sums up our hope for humanity.  And, frankly, it addresses what I think many, many people want to see in a story.  We are willing to go through ups and downs and ups and downs with the characters.  We are willing to see them flail and suffer and fall.  But, if they are characters we care about, we hope to end the story with at least a little hope for their futures, for their proverbial salvation, if you will.  I think, then, that any Kickstarter pitch video should address this hope of the fans.  At least, I think it is the hope of the fans, based on what I've experienced.  Nobody wants to see Cooper dead or Ben dooming himself to a life of existential despair.  (Just my two cents here.  But, I think it could help to bring in the $$$.)

     2.  Passion:  The pitch video has to express very clearly the passion possessed by those who will ultimately create it.  A good example of the type of passion I am speaking of is expressed in the Kickstarter pitch video of Scout Tufankjian, creator of The Armenian Diaspora Project.  She is an absolutely delightful woman, whose pitch video just wants to make you empty your bank account and mail her a great big check.  Go watch it and you will see what I mean.  But, save a little money for the "SouthLAnd" movie, okay?

     3.  Achievability:  The goal of the Kickstarter campaign -- the amount of money to be raised -- must be actually achievable.  We need to study our numbers (in terms of project budget, show ratings, potential number of donors, donor demographics) in order to come up with a goal (in dollar terms) that is actually doable.  And the fan-base being counted upon to donate needs to be convinced (not in a con-artist type of way, of course; but, in an honest way) that the goal is attainable.  I hate asking people, who are already probably struggling to make ends meet and fund their 401k's, to commit to making a donation if the campaign is going to end up failing.  That's just too much of an emotional roller-coaster ride for anybody to take in this post-economic-crash world, especially if those people are fans who just love "SouthLAnd" the way many of us do.

     4.  Name/Brand Recognition:  The individuals actually on-camera in the Kickstarter pitch video need to be identified closely with the show.  The executive producers/creators and lead actors come to mind here, of course.  Other possibilities are people who wrote and directed particularly memorable episodes. 

Thank-you again for your utmost patience and kind attention.  It's just that it really gets to me when I see how excited the fans become every time there is an interview or article mentioning the possibility of a "SouthLAnd" movie.  I would really love to see it happen, and I'm willing to do whatever I can to help it along.  Except go on Facebook.  I hate Facebook. 

I'll send this along to the usual suspects.

So, here's to a "SouthLAnd" movie!  And here's to it happening before Ben McKenzie gets too old to leap from rooftop to rooftop.  ;-)

Warner Bros. And A "SouthLAnd" Pitch Video

After mulling it over for a while, I have come up with some ideas for the "SouthLAnd" pitch videos.  Yes -- videos -- as in plural.

"Why," you may legitimately ask, "do we need multiple pitch videos???"

Because I think we need two -- one for Warner Bros. and one for the Kickstarter campaign.

(Note: I am not going to go into all the legal necessities involved in producing these videos.  I touched on them very briefly in my last couple of posts, and I suppose -- if this actually goes forward -- we will all just deal with them.  Besides, I am no lawyer.)

WARNER BROS. PITCH VIDEO:

After doing a bit more research on the "Veronica Mars" movie project, I discovered that Rob Thomas approached Warner Bros. about doing a movie quite a while before the project actually happened.  Apparently, Warner Bros. wasn't interested, and that was that.  It seems to me then, that our first task is to get Warner Bros. interested in going forward with a "SouthLAnd" movie.  And here's where a pitch video would come in quite handy.

What might be included in such a video?

Warner Bros. needs to be assured that there will be a market (which translates into both $$$ and an increase in the studio's prestige) for a "SouthLAnd" movie.  How could we accomplish this goal? -->
     1. The sincere interest of the creator(s)/executive producer(s), cast, and key crew members would need to be expressed.  The studio would probably want to to see a definite willingness to commit to the project by the key players, assuming that the financing/scheduling/all other necessary pieces of the puzzle were to fall into place.
     2. A budget would need to be presented, as accurately as possible.
     3. Data should be presented, comparing the ratings of "Veronica Mars" to the ratings of "SouthLAnd."  The ratings would most likely reflect the potential success of a Kickstarter campaign.  If the numbers for "SouthLAnd" are lower than the numbers for "Veronica Mars" -- which, unfortunately, I think they are -- we would have to discuss how we would make up for this deficit in a fan-based funding drive.  For example, might there be other funding sources?  We could also argue that the "clout" of the major players in "SouthLAnd" has greatly increased since the show's cancellation.  Shawn Hatosy, for instance, has a new show coming out this summer, which will increase his visibility in a huge way.  He is also a big hit on Twitter (for good reason).  Michael Cudlitz is now extraordinarily popular with the extraordinarily large fan-base of "The Walking Dead."  Regina King blows everybody out of the water with her number of Twitter followers and numerous, interesting projects.  And Ben McKenzie has "Gotham" in the works.  The number of existing "SouthLAnd" fans combined with potential new social media connections is enormous.  These things should be emphasized in any pitch to Warner Bros.
     4. The video might also drive home the point that "SouthLAnd" has a very dedicated core fan base, willing to work hard in the effort to get a movie made.  Footage might be included of some of these fans telling about what the show means to them, expressing their passion for it and their desire to see this project happen.
     5. A (gentle) reminder should be included in the pitch of the critical acclaim "SouthLAnd" has always earned.  After all, doesn't the studio wish to garner as much prestige as possible?  There is a compelling argument to be made that the studio would look bold and brave and interested in art for art's sake if it green-lighted this project.  Warner Brothers could be seen as a courageous maverick in the industry for its willingness to go forward with a "SouthLAnd" movie.  And -- frankly -- I don't think this movie would bankrupt them, especially if there were some other significant funding sources (like a Kickstarter campaign).  I may be wrong about this, though.  Maybe studios operate somewhat "on the brink" fiscally.  If so, then our financial data need to be especially solid, to provide reassurance that the project wouldn't be an economic disaster.

Given the assumptions I made about what would need to be included in a pitch video for Warner Bros., there is one further consideration.  This thing could get incredibly long and incredibly boring.  And what comes to mind here is an interview with Ben McKenzie in which he describes how some of the Powers That Be of a project he was auditioning for left the room while he was auditioning.  (That was very lame of them.)  Now, given that Ben is unfailingly interesting -- and that still happened -- I really, really don't want anything like that to come to pass with this pitch video.  That would sink the project before it even left the dock.  So, the pitch would need to be concise, yet chock full of the necessary information.  It would also have to be entertaining.

Well, this is enough for today.  Next time, I will discuss what I think should be included in a Kickstarter campaign pitch video.  Thank-you all for your kindness in reading this, because I really don't have any credentials in "showbiz."

I'll again forward this to Deb Craig, Regina King, Michael Cudlitz, Shawn Hatosy, Ben McKenzie, Andrea Lynch, Julia Swain, and Kiaya Mangan.

"SouthLAnd" Pitch Video?

This next post was intended to be about a pitch video for a "SouthLAnd" movie.  In many ways, I suppose it could be that.  But, as I studied the book lent to me by my daughter Andrea -- Mark Litwak's "Dealmaking In The Film And Television Industry, From Negotiations To Final Contracts" -- it dawned on me that I was getting quite a bit ahead of myself.

For example, I learned that in order to include footage from the "SouthLAnd" TV show in a pitch video -- something that I really wanted to do -- many permissions would have to be obtained, via legal paperwork, from copyright owners, guilds and unions, every person in a clip, and (if the clip contains music) musicians and those who own the rights to the underlying musical compositions.

Gulp...

Frankly, I learned that there are pretty much a gazillion ways from Sunday to be sued for attempting to put together a pitch video, let alone doing a "SouthLAnd" movie in any sort of indie manner.

But, do not fear, I remain undaunted, because I am stubborn, not just a little bit competitive, and (perhaps) a tad bit crazy.  I also love "SouthLAnd".  And I don't want to let Deb or Stephanie down, because they are dear women who deserve a "SouthLAnd" movie.  I have also realized that Ben McKenzie does, in fact, know something about Kickstarter campaigns (go support his sister-in-law's, please), so I will take his comments about the possibility of such a thing more seriously than I did before.  (Sorry, Ben.  I should never have doubted you.)

So, what do we need in order to begin?

In his book, Mark Litwak explains how most projects are the result of intelligent dealmaking, and he states, "Shrewd dealmakers know how to structure a deal to meet the needs, often unspoken, of all the parties."

In terms of a "SouthLAnd" movie, who might these "parties" be?  A few that I can think of are:
     1.  the fans (if the movie is to be funded using a Kickstarter campaign, the needs of the fans are an essential part of the mix)
     2.  the studio (Warner Bros.)
     3.  the creator(s)/executive producer(s) of the TV show/movie
     4.  the director, cast, and crew
     5.  the talent agents/agencies, such as CAA
     6.  the distributor(s)
     7.  any production company that backs the film in any manner
     8.  possibly TNT, if they still own any of the rights to the show.

If the needs of all interested parties were intelligently met when putting together a deal for a "SouthLAnd" movie, it could lead to a solidly-funded, successful product (the actual film) and future benefits for all those participating (such as future creative opportunities stemming from having a good, versus a bad, reputation).  Wisely meeting the needs of the interested parties would have the added benefit of decreasing the possibility of me (or anybody else) being sued.

What, you may now be wondering, would the "needs of the interested parties" be?  There are, of course, financial needs.  People and institutions will want to make money off of this project.  I don't blame them for this.  This is their livelihood.  And making money off of one project helps to fund other projects down-the-line.  Losing money on this project may rob the interested parties of future creative and professional opportunities.  Although, I have also learned from reading Mark Litwak's book that there are times when a project will be given the green light, even when there is a substantial risk that it won't be a money-maker.  Why is this?  If there is a very good chance that the project will be solid enough creatively to enhance the reputations of those involved with it, those individuals/institutions may be willing to take a financial gamble.  Therefore, the "SouthLAnd" movie project -- if it is in any way fiscally questionable -- will have to inspire enormous creative confidence in the Hollywood "Powers-That-Be" if it is to be given the go-ahead.  I believe it is possible for this to happen.  In fact, I read that TNT's program director chose to keep the series, even when it would have been justified for him to drop it for financial reasons, because he thought it was so outstanding.  If it could be shown that a movie would be just as outstanding, it could perhaps garner the necessary support from all interested parties.

Now that I have addressed -- in a small way -- the needs of the interested "Hollywood" parties, what would be the needs of the fans?  And by "needs," I mean those beyond the necessity of seeing that Cooper lives and Ben hanging off the side of a building dressed in Kevlar and holding a large automatic weapon and Sammy's amazing pecs and Lydia's bad-ass hand-to-hand combat skills.  (Yes.  Those would all be required elements in a "SouthLAnd" movie.  If I have any say in it, anyway.  Which I won't.  Oh, well.)  Seriously, though, the desires of the fans need to be taken into careful consideration in this project, especially if it is a Kickstarter project.  The fans would need to be given satisfaction in how the story-arc and character-arcs are rounded out.  They would probably like it if -- by the end of the movie -- they had some hope for the future for their favorite characters.  Maybe I am a pie-in-the-sky, Pollyanna kind of lady, but this is my opinion.  I will, of course, bow to the wisdom of whomever writes the story, because -- even though the series was often not good for my blood pressure -- it was my all-time favorite show.  And that's saying something.  Another consideration, as far as fan "needs" go, would be rewards in a Kickstarter campaign.  I understand that they are a huge motivator in getting contributions, so they would need to be carefully thought out by those responsible for delivering them.  They would need to be awesome enough to inspire people to open their wallets, yet actually doable (when the rubber hits the road).

A further thing I have learned from Mr. Litwak's book is that, these days, the big "....talent agencies such as CAA....exercise considerable influence in developing and packaging projects."  This, in my highly inexperienced opinion, could be a key in all of this.

Therefore, I (very tentatively) propose the following:

     ***That a package be put together -- by CAA or another similar entity -- which includes funding sources (Warner Bros., fans, any other investors), legal needs (copyright searches, if necessary; rights acquisition, if necessary; all other required permissions; etc.), an agreement with Warner Bros. for production, and contracts with writer(s), director(s), cast, and crew.  ***

                                                    -- OR --

     ***That Warner Bros., together with the creator(s)/executive producer(s) of "SouthLAnd", put together a production package, which would include a Kickstarter element.  This might be the most efficient route, as they have the necessary resources to do so.  They probably own most (or all) of the rights to the show.***

Concerning a pitch video, one could be made which would effectively convince CAA, Warner Bros., and the creator(s)/producer(s) of "SouthLAnd" that this is, indeed, a viable project.  I would be willing to help write and story-board this video, and I know somebody who has expressed interest in shooting it (an actual professional, no less).  In my next post, I will go into more detail about what facts, data, and sentiments such a video would need to express, in order to be convincing.

Again, I apologize for making this presentation via my blog, as I realize it is not the most professional approach.

And, again, I will send copies of this to Deb Craig, Andrea Lynch, Julia Swain, Kiaya Mangan, Regina King, Michael Cudlitz, Shawn Hatosy, and Ben McKenzie.

I do appreciate your time and consideration.

"SouthLAnd" forever. :)

"SouthLAnd" Movie Pitch

The idea of a "SouthLAnd" movie has been floated on-and-off since the cancellation of the show last year.  Both the cast and the fans seem to want this project to happen, so I thought I'd put together a little presentation, in order to more fully explore the possibility of such a film.

"What," you may reasonably ask, "are your qualifications for pitching this project?"  None, actually.  My background is this: I hold a bachelor's degree in biology from San Francisco State University.  I earned a teaching credential from the same institution, and I then taught high school for a couple of years before having my own family.  I homeschooled my three children, who have all enjoyed success in college (although, that is more to their credit than mine).  Currently, I am a school sponsor for the Young Storytellers Foundation.  Aside from my family, this organization is my passion, my joy, and my primary commitment.  I fully intend to remain involved with YSF as a school sponsor -- and in any other way in which I can be of help -- for as long as I am able.   "SouthLAnd," though, is the television show which I have most enjoyed in my life.  And I have some time and a few resources -- now that my children are grown -- to dedicate to the worthwhile endeavor of seeing a movie made. 

That being said, here are some of the primary considerations (at least, to my rather uneducated mind) concerning what would be necessary for a "SouthLAnd" film project to come to fruition.  I am sure this is in no way complete.  I also apologize, as I realize it is rather unprofessional to present these ideas on my blog.  It seems, though, to be to be the most effective means at my disposal for communicating with the necessary individuals.  I also hope that I shall not be too long-winded.

I have based these ideas on the following sources:
     a.  the "Veronica Mars" Kickstarter project,
     b.  Deke Simon's book, "Film and Video Budgets" (Copyright 2010), and
     c.  the wonderful advice and direction of Andrea Lynch, Kiaya Mangan, and Julia Swain -- film students and budding film-makers.

So, here we go -->

CONSIDERATION #1:  Who owns the rights to "SouthLAnd"?

     This is probably the key question in even beginning to plan a "SouthLAnd" movie.  Who owns the rights to the show?  Is it the creator(s)/executive producer(s)?  Is it the studio (Warner Bros.)?  Is it the network (TNT)?  Is it some combination of these?  It seems to me that it would be ideal for the person or entity that owns the rights to spearhead a Kickstarter project, if that was the route chosen to secure the necessary funding.  To use as an example the "Veronica Mars" Kickstarter, it was run by the creator of the show -- Rob Thomas.  Attaching his name to the project and committing to it were probably essential elements in the success of the fundraising effort. 

CONSIDERATION #2:  What is the goal of the project?

     To use again the example of the "Veronica Mars" film project, Rob Thomas explained that he wanted the audience to be satisfied with the conclusion of the story in a way that the final season did not manage to accomplish.  He stated, "I wanted to go down swinging on this series."  To me, this aptly sums up the desires of those involved with the "SouthLAnd" series.  The creators, producers, and cast have all expressed sentiments similar to these.  And, to me, this is an admirable goal -- one which I would be willing to support with my time, effort, and resources.

CONSIDERATION #3:  Costs and Funding

     Looking again at the "Veronica Mars" Kickstarter campaign, the goal was to raise $2,000,000.  The amount that was actually raised amounted to $5,702,153 -- with the number of backers being 91,585.

     In providing an example of a feature film budget, Deke Simon, in his book, "Film and Video Budgets," allows for a price tag of $5,000,000. 

     Therefore, it does seem that a budget in the millions is not an unreasonable estimate for the cost of a "SouthLAnd" movie.  I know that the show was done on the frugal side, but "frugal" in Hollywood is probably not the same as "frugal" in my little household in San Diego County.  Doing a film "on the cheap" may well require a budget of at least $2,000,000.

     Lest this seem an incredibly large amount of money, there are many costs that would need to be covered:
          a.  Above-The-Line Costs -- such as, expenses for story rights (if that needs to happen), script development, and costs associated with paying producers, directors, cast members, and associated staff.
          b. Below-The-Line Costs, or all those expenses associated with actual production and post-production -- such as, production staff, extra talent, sound stage, production design, set construction, set operations, special effects, set dressing, wardrobe, make-up and hair, electrical, camera, sound, transportation, location expenses, editing, optical/visual effects, music, post-production sound, titles and graphics, insurance, publicity and marketing.
          c.  There are also taxes and union expenses to be taken into consideration.

     All in all, then, even a movie done with an eye to careful cost-control is still a very expensive undertaking.  And doing it too cheaply may sacrifice quality and safety, both of which are out-of-the-question to me.

     In thinking about the budgetary considerations, I did like Ben McKenzie's idea of having the story revolve around a specific situation, into which the whole cast is drawn.  This would minimize the number of locations required and reduce the need for sound stage use and set construction (although, some would most likely be necessary). 

CONSIDERATION #4:  Looking More Carefully At A Kickstarter Campaign

     As I have said, the individual/entity running a Kickstarter campaign for a "SouthLAnd" movie should own the rights to the show.  This would be necessary legally, unless that person/entity gave permission to another person/entity to run the campaign.  There is also the possibility of the rights being purchased by another party, but that could be prohibitively expensive and may jeopardize the chances of the movie being a commercial success, as the fans may question whether or not the new owner of the rights would give them the kind of story they had all come to expect from their favorite TV show.

     A Kickstarter campaign is also not worry-free.  Kickstarter charges a fee of 5% of all funds raised.  The funds raised are also considered to be taxable income.  And if the project should fail, those who run the campaign are actually legally liable.  There is also the issue of rewards for backers, something that project funders have come to expect from Kickstarter campaigns.  These can be problematic.  Rob Thomas explains that, as rewards, the "Veronica Mars" project gave out 40 Associate Producer credits.  These people were flown to LA to see a rough cut of the film and were invited to provide notes.  "The Producers Guild did not approve, " Mr. Thomas states.  This intrepid man also tells the tale of having to arrange 5000 autographed movie posters for backers.  "It's been a 3-day assignment for us, with nine boxes at Kristen's house and 10 boxes at actor Ryan Hansen's house."  Other rewards offered to the "Veronica Mars" backers included actual walk-on roles, and even a speaking part for the top backer (if I recall correctly).  You may be thinking that this type of reward system is unnecessary, but I beg to differ.  Those who run Kickstarter have explained that the amount of funding secured for a project is, more often than not, influenced by the types of rewards offered to backers.

     A Kickstarter campaign usually requires a pitch video, as well -- another cost to be considered before any fan-based funding is even secured.

     I don't mean to sound excessively negative here.  It's just that an examination of these issues underscores -- at least for me -- the complexity of this endeavor and that the person spearheading the campaign should most preferably be the creator/executive producer of the show.  Legally, he/she would be the best choice and would bring the reputation/name recognition necessary for such a large undertaking.

CONSIDERATION #5:  Selling This Idea To Warner Bros.

     I have gathered -- also from studying the "Veronica Mars" campaign -- that somebody with heavy influence would be required to sell the project "hard" (Chris Chulak's word) at Warner Bros.  Because, after all, it is the studio which has all the actual "stuff" that would be required for an actual production.  I would, of course, be happy to walk the halls of the great WB, pitch video in hand, talking to people.  Somehow, though, I don't think that would work out so well.  "Who let that crazy homeschooling mom in?" people would be asking each other, probably resulting in my being tossed out of the building by security.  Assuming, though, that I had actual permission to enter the halls of that famed studio, I don't know if anyone would listen to me much.  So, somebody of greater importance would need to step up.  It's not that I wouldn't enjoy talking to people, selling the idea of a "SouthLAnd" movie.  That would be great fun for me.  And I do live relatively close to LA, which is an advantage.

CONSIDERATION #6:  How would the final product reach its target audience?

     If this were to be a TV movie, how would it be aired?  Would TNT pick it up?  Could a distribution deal be done with Netflix?  Or would the best avenue of distribution be DVD and VOD?  What are the legal/financial issues surrounding each of these distribution methods?

CONSIDERATION #7:  Other Funding Options

     There are, of course, other funding options besides a Kickstarter campaign.  I have read that often film projects, these days, are financed using a variety of sources -- such as a combination of "investor money, state tax credits, loans, and advance sales of.... distribution rights." (Source for this quote is unknown.  I wrote it down from my reading, but forgot to note the source.)  It may be worthwhile to investigate such a funding mechanism for a "SouthLAnd" movie project.  Perhaps a Kickstarter campaign could be part of the total mix.  The advantages to this method would be that the diversification minimizes the risk for any one entity and would probably increase the amount of money that could be raised.

     Another possible idea is to bring UCLA MFA students into the mix.  Perhaps a "SouthLAnd" movie could be incorporated into a project or projects for them.  This could help control costs, as well as provide opportunities for the up-and-coming generation of filmmakers.  Julia Swain is currently a student in this program (her emphasis is cinematography), so perhaps she could provide some input as to the feasability of this option.

If you are still with me at this point, I would like to thank you for your kind attention.  I will use Twitter to get copies of this presentation to Regina King, Michael Cudlitz, Shawn Hatosy, Ben McKenzie, Deb Craig, Andrea Lynch, Kiaya Mangan, Julia Swain, and Kim Sherrell.  Who knows?  Maybe we can actually do this thing.  It would be pretty awesome.

I hope I have not insulted anyone's intelligence here.  I am aware that many of you reading this already know these things.  It is simply my goal to set everything out for the consideration of all those who might be involved in a fundraising effort.



    

     

     

    

My Future Hipster Life

How do I know about hipsters?

Because of Shawn Hatosy.

Shawn is one of my top five favorite movie stars. He nails his roles. Always. And his hair is perfect. Always.

If you watch "SouthLAnd," you will immediately recognize Shawn by this perfect hair. He plays Sammy Bryant -- a detective for the first three seasons, and a uniform cop during seasons four and five. But, whether in a suit or a uniform and gun belt, Shawn's hair is consistently flawless.  As are his scenes. And his gun technique. And his driving. Ben McKenzie, who plays Sammy Bryant's partner -- Officer Ben Sherman -- probably wins in the foot chase category. But, nobody outclasses Shawn in the driving department. That's why the director almost always has Shawn drive and Ben jump out of the car and run. Directors are paid to know what's what about these things. And that's why the women characters should want to go out with Sammy Bryant instead of Ben Sherman. I mean dating, after all, involves much more driving than foot chases. That's the way it was in the '80's, at least. Perhaps things have changed???

So, anyway, back to hipsters. As I said, I know about hipsters because of Shawn. He likes to make jokes about them. Good-natured jokes, of course. Shawn is never, ever mean. I'm not going to explain here what a hipster is. I'm just going to tell you about my goal for the future, which involves hipsters.

Here goes:

Right now, I live in suburbia. It's nice and all. I'm not complaining. I have a typical suburban SoCal house in a typical suburban SoCal neighborhood. I drive a minivan, which is nice because I can fit my two greyhounds into it, as well as my hubs and my three young adult kids (who are all in various phases of living at home). My neighbors are great. The town in which I live is safe and clean. It is a lovely, lovely place to raise a family.

But, it is all a bit dull for my retirement. And when I retire -- no offense to the other retirees, who I'm sure are all fun and exciting -- but, I want to live with the hipsters in Silver Lake.  Because that's where hipsters live -- in Silver Lake.

Silver Lake is this place in LA, which is very "edgy." As far as I understand, there are edgy coffee places and restaurants and club-type establishments and shops. And there are many, many hipsters, who seem to be quite entertaining to be around. Especially when you are -- like -- 60 or 65 or 70 years old. I think there is also a medical marijuana place in Silver Lake, but I don't really want any of that. Because I learned on "SouthLAnd" that medical marijuana is much stronger than regular marijuana. And I just don't see that anybody would be served by me having any of this medical marijuana -- or even regular marijuana. So, I won't go to the medical marijuana place. But, I would like to go to the edgy coffee shops and restaurants and club-type places. I would like to sit and have a glass of wine or a cup of coffee with the hipsters and chat with them about their concerns and their goals for their lives. I would not actually BE a hipster, you see, because I really can't do skinny jeans and I am a miserable failure at wearing scarves (they always fall off when I bend over), but I think I would enjoy the company of the hipsters. And I think they would enjoy the company of me. I might even try some sushi in Silver Lake. Who knows? Maybe Silver Lake -- with all of those "fumes" wafting through the air -- would embolden me enough to let go of my fear of a brain parasite and try some sushi. Especially if it came with saki.

So -- as I imagine it -- when I am 60-ish years old, my hubs and I and any of our kids who want to come and any pets we might have will get some kind of cool place to live in Silver Lake, with hardwood floors and the most modern paint colors and clean windows and some type of little herb garden (to grow basil, NOT marijuana). We will hang my daughter Andrea's photographs on the walls. Maybe we will all go in together and buy a triplex or a little apartment building. That way, if my kids have families of their own, everyone will have a their own space and plenty of privacy. Wouldn't that be nice? We will trade in our minivan for a Subaru and invest in some reusable grocery bags. This abode will be within an old person's walking distance of the trendiest coffee houses and restaurants and bars. I envision myself heading down each morning to get a cup of coffee and staying for a little chat with my hipster friends, who will find me eccentrically fascinating. On most days, I will take an additional walk in order to have lunch or dinner or drinks or listen to music or go shopping for trendy handbags. Being within walking distance of all the fun means that my hubs and my kiddos will never have to worry about their mum getting into a scrape with the cops over having a bit too much saki with her sushi. And the proprietors of all the establishments will have my son's cell phone number handy, in case he might be needed to walk his mum home after her night on the town.

Of course, by the time I retire, there may not be anymore hipsters. But -- if my life experience has taught me anything -- it's that there will be some new and equally fascinating phenomenon to take their place. And this new and equally fascinating phenomenon will probably exist in Silver Lake. And I'm game. ;-)

Ben Sherman's Healthiest "Relationship"...

...with a woman was what he had goin' on with Chickie.

And it had nothing to do with sex or "romance."

And it had everything to do with genuine affection, mutual respect, caring, trust, real friendship, camaraderie, and even a tad bit of actual communication. 

If you don't know this by now (and you should if you have read my blog for a while), Ben Sherman is one of the main cop characters on the wondrous TV show "SouthLAnd."  "SouthLAnd" is my favorite TV show of all time -- the best show since "Dragnet," "Adam 12," and "Emergency" ruled the airwaves of my childhood.  Unfortunately, it was canceled this past spring, after five glorious seasons.  But, it will live forever in my iPad, in my computer, and on my DVD player.  Ben Sherman is played by Ben McKenzie, and nobody could have played the guy better.  Ben Sherman starts out as a young, idealistic, naive cop, who, because of a combination of character flaws and painful circumstances, slides steadily down into one of the Seven Circles Of Hell over the course of the show.  His character arc is brilliant, full of a great number of moral lessons, without being told in an overly moralistic manner.  In fact, the whole thing is often quite entertaining to behold.  As we accompany Officer Ben on his journey, he has many "lady friends" -- kind of like Bond girls.  And he often has more than one "lady friend" at a time.  In fact, part of Officer Ben's undoing occurs when one of these "lady friends" turns out to be a little bit mentally unstable.  This darling, yet problematic, young woman becomes rather unglued when she finds out she isn't the only one Officer Ben is "seeing" (to state it in a polite manner).  Although, other of his "lady friends" seem happy to share him (literally).  Anyway, Officer Ben never develops what one would consider to be a "healthy" relationship with one of his "lady friends."  He never becomes a faithful boyfriend to a good woman.  He basically bounces from bed to bed, sometimes landing in more than one during a 24-hour period.  His relationships with women never really encompass true love or any kind of commitment or even genuine friendship (as in the kind of friendship where you care about the WHOLE person -- spiritually, mentally, and physically).  There is, though, a gal he likes a lot during Season One.  Her name is Daisy.  But, she dumps him unceremoniously for an ex-boyfriend.  Personally, I think this heartbreak is, at least in part, responsible for his ethical demise.  

There is one woman, though, with whom Officer Ben actually develops an admirable relationship.  This woman is Chickie.  She is a fellow cop, and she is a bit older than Officer Ben.  She is quite beautiful, extremely in-shape, and totally kick-ass.  She is also very feminine, and has vulnerabilities and heartaches which affect both her work and personal life.  She is a single mother, and does not seem to date, putting her son above her own desires.  So, because of her age and life situation, she is in no way available to Officer Ben as a "romantic" partner.  Thence, she is available to him as an actual friend and comrade.  Officer Ben and Chickie meet, I believe, on his first day on the job.  She observes him taking his first cop "baby steps."  She observes his triumphs and his struggles.  And she offers him support, encouragement, and praise (where praise is warranted).  She also stays his hand occasionally.  For example, when he becomes quite angry with his training officer and another cop, who are "razzing" him, she gets him to back off and encourages him to have a sense of humor about the situation.  Because she is a solid person, because of her experience, because of her respectful and good-natured support of Officer Ben, she comes to gain his respect and trust.  And he gains hers, to a large degree.  Thus, she sometimes will confide in him and share her own insecurities with him.  They are honest with each other.  They are fond of each other.  They treat each other with respect.  They are proud when the other does something well.  And, when it is called for, they gently correct each other.  One of my favorite Ben-Chickie moments is when he is having a "fling" with a lady known in the department as "Red-Head Sally."  Sally, apparently, has had her way with virtually all of the cops in the Hollywood Division.  Officer Ben, however, is unaware of this little fact when this wild lady initially lures him into her lair.  Thus, he is heavily teased by the other cops and regaled with their "Sally stories."  Chickie doesn't cut him any slack, either, calling him "Romeo" and affectionately ribbing him about the situation.  She also lets him know that Sally once tried to talk her into a "threesome."  You should see the look on his face when she asks him if Sally still has the poster of Clint Eastwood on her wall. 

So, as I see it, Chickie basically gets the best there is to have of Officer Ben.  And he, in her, has his best relationship with a woman over the whole course of the "SouthLAnd" story.  No, Chickie never partakes of Officer Ben's legendary abilities in the bedroom, but she gets something better.  She is the recipient of his respect and authentic friendship.  And Officer Ben, from Chickie, receives the most valuable gifts a woman can bestow on a man -- her affection, her care and concern, and her trust.

Watching TV With Your Teens And Young Adult Kids -- A Few More Thoughts

Yesterday, I used "The O.C." as an example of how I watch TV with my kids, who are now 24 (almost 25), 23, and 21 years old.  The older two are girls.  The youngest is a boy.

I tend to get along pretty well with my kids.  Sometimes, they think I am too strict.  Sometimes, I think they are too strict.  Don't go thinking that they don't get on me about stuff.  Like, for instance, my cage dancing fantasy.

But, anyway.

When I spoke about watching "The O.C." with my children, I related how I used the characters and happenings in the show as "teachable moments."  We would discuss issues the show presented and how the characters handled various situations they encountered.  I hoped that these discussions would help my kids to become a little wiser about the ways of the world.

As I thought more about my blog post, I realized I kind of made it sound like I'm always and everywhere trying to teach my kids valuable lessons when we watch TV and movies.  Frankly, if that were the case, I don't think my kids would want to watch ANYTHING with me, at all.  I would just be a ball and chain around their entertainment-loving young selves.

So, I guess, most of the time, I just sit with my kids and we enjoy television shows and movies together.  No comments, no judging, no discussion.  Just fun and genuine, spur-of-the-moment reactions to the stories being told.  Maybe some snacks thrown in.  I mean, after all, my kids are older now.  If they don't know the values I wanted them to grow up with by this time, I have pretty much failed.  Although, I also took this more silent approach -- at least most of the time -- when they were teenagers.  And I think it has value.

Why do I think it has value?

People are a generally rebellious lot.  We don't like to get told what to do so very much.  We like to make up our own minds.  And, frankly, most kids know what their parents' opinions are by the time they are teenagers.  That's why, when you see them rebelling, they are doing the opposite of what their parents would suggest.  They have obviously figured out their parents way of thinking.  And they are testing that way of thinking.

As you may know by now (ha-ha), I am a rather rebellious person.  But -- and this may surprise you -- I never engaged in any so-called "high-risk" behaviors as a teen or young adult.  Why?  Certainly not because of my own common sense.  I attribute this to my parents -- especially my dad -- who knew how to tread gently.  He knew not to back me into a corner.  This doesn't mean we didn't have some pretty "spirited discussions" -- a.k.a. "fights."  But, in the end, my dad would look at me calmly and say, "Well, it's your life.  Do what you want."  Then, most of the time, whatever common sense I did possess would kick in and I would realize that I didn't want to do whatever that lame-ass thing was that I had been so vehemently demanding to do a few minutes before.  Why didn't I want to do it?  Because there was no more contest of wills going on.  I didn't have to do that lame-ass thing in order to prove to my father that I couldn't be forced into things, by him or anyone else.

And that brings me back to the idea of just watching TV shows and movies with my kids with no commentary, simply with the goal of enjoying (or, perhaps, being shocked or terrified by) a story.  Especially if it is a television program or movie of their choosing.  I'm not going to turn this form of entertainment into an opportunity for rebellion.  I am, rather, going to use it as an opportunity for bonding.  After all, having a good time together watching Sammy and Ben run around is one ingredient that can lead to a very positive mother-daughter relationship.  At least, in my experience.  SouthLAnd.  Forever. ;-)

Disclaimer:  I am assuming, of course, that your kids aren't bringing home "films" from the Adult Store.  That is a whole different issue.

The Having Of Teenagers -- Part 2

I know my last post on this topic of having teenagers was a bit rambling, but I just had to figure out a way to tell and comment on that story about the kid and his coffee cake wishes.

This post will probably be a bit briefer and more to the point.  Maybe.

First of all, people living with other people is always problematic.  Because people are problematic.  There are times when I think it would be lovely to have my own studio apartment with a murphy bed and shiny hardwood floors.  There would be nothing in it except the bare essentials and my Mac.  And I think we all wish this sort of thing from time to time.  Do we actually want it to happen?  Nah.  It's just that people living with people has its stresses, as well as its rewards, no matter how much you love each other.

And so it is if you have teenagers.  It's going to get stressful.  But, it can also be a lot of fun.

How can we make it fun?

It starts when they're little, as I said before.  Have fun together, enjoy life together, but make it clear that you are in charge.  If you say something, it goes.  It doesn't have to be a fight.  You can be friendly about it.

For example, if you are in the park and it's time to go home:
     Mom:  You have five more minutes to do what you want to do and then it's time to go home.
     *Five Minutes Pass (Or ten. When they are three, they really have no idea.)*
     Mom:  (in a friendly, yet firm, voice) We are leaving now.
     Children:  (whining) Can't we stay just five more minutes!?!?!?  Pleeeeease!?!?!?
     Mom: (calmly walking over, picking up the youngest child, fully expecting the others to follow) We are leaving now.

If you do this, each and every time, it will work.  I think.  You just have to be consistent.  And calm.  And firm.

And if you start this with your toddlers and your pre-schoolers, things will probably progress rather smoothly as your children head toward adolescence.

Then, one day, your adolescent child (especially if said child is a girl) will roll her eyes at you when you ask her to do something quite reasonable.  Do not lose your temper.  Just smile mischievously and take her picture with your iPhone.  I actually did this (though not with an iPhone, as they weren't invented yet) and my daughter started to laugh.  Calmly re-assert what you want your child to do and expect that she will do it.  Of course, before you make your request, you have to take your child's personality and state-of-mind and mood into consideration.  Don't set yourself up for failure.  Set yourself up for success.  It is best to make requests of your child when she is not feeling exhausted and overwhelmed with life.  Because -- let's face it -- teens these days do have a lot of pressure.  One mother told me that her child was told to take the SAT at least three times and to fill out a minimum of ten college applications.  No wonder so many of them are on anti-depressants (the moms and the teens).  So, start by making small, reasonable requests when your child is in a good mood and not in the middle of a term paper.  That way, she will get used to cooperating with you in a pleasant way.

In this vein, do not ever fight with your teenagers.  Don't get into shouting matches.  Don't threaten.  Just don't do it.  You will lose.  Every time.  They have way more energy than you do.  They can come up with clever plans to get around you.  They have friends who will collude with them against you.  Even if they are homeschooled.

How to not fight?

Firstly, listen to your teen without judging.  Kids like to tell you things, even when they are teens and young adults, if you don't judge them and what they're saying.  So, if your teen is telling you her opinion that short hair on guys is better than long hair on guys -- which is a totally screwed up opinion, in my opinion -- it is best just to listen.  Or if your son is telling you that if he doesn't get into college, he has figured out a way to live independently on minimum wage, just hear him out.  My husband once said to me something like this, "The kids tell you all kinds of crazy things, and you don't say anything."  "Well," I replied, "they will eventually figure out most of these things for themselves."

Does this mean you should never say anything?  Of course not.  My Bridget and I have had many discussions about the hair of Thor versus the hair of Captain America.  But, this is the thing.  You have to gauge the state-of-mind of your child when she starts talking.  Is it time to have a mutual discussion or to just be a listening ear?  If in doubt, go with the listening ear.

Secondly, do not micromanage your teens.  Nobody likes to be micromanaged.  Keep your expectations simple and basic, such as:  have good personal hygiene, pass your classes, speak politely to your parents and siblings, don't date douche-bags, no sex, no illegal drugs, drive in a legal manner.  Keep your requests reasonable, too.  For example, I have always thought a strict curfew was lame.  But, on the other hand, I had to know where my kids were going, with whom, and by when they would be home.  The time I expected them to arrive home depended on the activity.  And I expected them to call if their plans changed or they were going to be late.  And if they gave me a bad time about these reasonable things, I would calmly explain how they were reasonable things and what could happen if they did not do them.  These kinds of discussions evolved over time -- starting from when they were in grade school -- so, my expectations were no big shock when they became teenagers.  (Confession:  Even now, even though they are in their 20's, these rules still apply.  They will apply until my kids get places of their own.  Because I cannot sleep if I don't know where they are.  I start imagining them being kidnapped.  Yes, this is idiotic.  But, it's the way it is and the price for living at home with a mother who gets slightly anxious even though she tries not to.  Did I say "slightly?"  My kids would probably laugh at my use of that word.  They are patient with me, though.  Most of the time, anyway.)

Thirdly, and probably most important, enjoy your teens and let them see that you are a "cool" person.  By "cool," I don't mean that you have to take Metal Class on Mondays (like Chris Bruno) -- although that is very cool.  You don't have to act like a teen yourself, because -- frankly -- that will just embarrass your teens.  But, be the kind of parent whose teenagers will enjoy having their friends over to your house.  My kids have lots of parties with their friends at my house -- even though they aren't teens, anymore.  And their friends seem to enjoy coming over here.  Probably because we let them drink beer (now that they are of age).  We even buy their friends beer sometimes.  And, sometimes, their friends buy the beer.  They even let my husband and I attend the parties and have some beer, too.  Let me say, though, that nobody -- EVER -- gets drunk.  That would quickly end the parties, and my kids know it.

I guess I have digressed a bit -- in talking about beer parties -- from the topic of teenagers.  For whom you should never, ever buy beer.

And while we are on the topic of enjoying your teens -- now that I am done digressing -- maybe it is worth it to discuss the issue of TV and movies.  These things often cause conflict among parents and teens.  For example, Mom might want to watch "Magic Mike" and her kids might think it is inappropriate.  Well, Mom, it is time to assert your parental authority here.  Or Mom might want to watch "SouthLAnd" and her kids might think it is too violent.  Again, time to assert the parental authority, and -- if your teen is female -- point out the hotness of Ben McKenzie, thus luring her in and making her your "SouthLAnd" buddy.  My point being?  If you don't act all judgmental about your kids' TV shows and movies, they won't act all judgmental about yours.  And if you want your kids to watch your stuff with you, it is important that you watch their stuff with them.  And then talk about their stuff with them in a friendly, non-threatening way.  Here are some possible discussion questions that you can use when discussing TV shows and movies with your kids:
     1.  How come the Rules For Being A Vampire are different in each vampire show?
     2.  How come it is taking Charlie so damn long to propose to Amita?
     3.  How come some actors don't mind showing us their bums and some do?
     4.  Do you think this role is more or less likely to cause the paparazzi to show up at Shawn Hatosy's house?
     5.  How do you like the way the abortion issue is handled by the writers of "The O.C."?
     6.  How many sexually transmitted diseases do you suppose Ben Sherman has?
     7.  When did Neil Patrick Harris suddenly become hot?
     8.  Who is Channing Tatum?
     9.  What do you suppose would happen if you spent hours upon hours locked up in a pool house alone with Ryan Atwood?  Would this be good sense?
    10.  Did Sammy steal the money from the bank robbery?  If he did, is that actually such a bad thing?
    11.  Is the guy who plays Jim in "The Office" more or less of a douche in real life than the guy who plays Dwight?
    12.  Was Joss Whedon's "Much Ado About Nothing" the most rockin' thing you ever saw, or what?
    13.  What was your favorite scene in Joss Whedon's "Much Ado About Nothing"?
    14.  How is Hollywood's representation of gay characters, of sexuality, of women's rights the same as, or different from, what others in the homeschool community might have you believe?
    15.  Should they have killed off Marissa or let her and Ryan live happily-ever-after?  How did the killing off of Marissa affect your opinion of how Hollywood might affect the souls of young actors?

So, I guess we have now discovered whether or not I would be briefer and more to the point today.

Definitely not.

I hope, though, that you have been entertained by this post.  At least a little bit.  And I hope that, perhaps, you have gotten something out of it that is helpful to you, or will someday be helpful to you. 

And I want you to know that I really appreciate the time you have taken to read my meandering ramblings. ;-)           





       

Ben Sherman -- The Daddy

Ten years ago today we were married, Ashaki and I.  She was well-prepared -- in upbringing and temperament -- for this state.  Me?  Not so much.  "But," she says, teasingly, "I have taught you well, my Benjamin."  And she has, and so have they.  Who are "they?"  My children -- all three of them, with the fourth due any day now.  Ashaki and my daughters have taught me how to be a husband, how to be a father.  Although, they have not always had it easy.  I can be selfish.  I can be moody.  I can hold grudges.  But, little by little, maybe I'm changing my ways.  At first, changing my ways was the only way I could survive being a father.  Being a father is a much different kind of a thing than being a husband.  As a husband, you are dealing with another adult -- your wife -- who is (hopefully) somewhat mature and rational, knowing how to give as well as how to take.  But, being a father?  Not much give and take there.  It's pretty much all "give."  Don't get me wrong.  I wouldn't change anything.  Because I recall it most clearly.  Walking with my first little baby, late one night -- as she fussed and fought off sleep -- so that Ashaki could get some much-needed rest, I realized that, for the first time in my life, I felt truly happy.  Exhausted?  Yes.  But, happy. 

It was frightening, that first labor and delivery.  Of course, I was not with my wife.  That is not the custom here.  There was a midwife.  An authentic, medically trained, and certified midwife.  And there were several women from the village by my wife's side, making her comfortable, giving her support.  But, I was terrified, waiting outside with Ashaki's brother and a few of my other male friends.  Some of the older women brought us food and drink, whispered encouraging words to me, reminded me of how strong my wife was (and is), how healthy.  But, still...  If something should happen to her -- or to the baby -- I didn't know how I could survive it.  These people were there for me, though.  They understood how I felt.  And then, at twilight, I heard her cry.  The cry of my first baby girl -- Hadiya, a name which means "gift."  And then I was really frightened.  As much as he had already been subdued, I knew in that moment that the "old Ben" had to die completely.  Because the "old Ben" would totally screw up with this new life -- the new life crying her first (very loud and piercing) cry inside of my home -- and that was just not acceptable.  I could not fuck this fatherhood thing up.

The midwife sent one of the women out to get me after a few moments, and I went in to my wife and new daughter.  Both so beautiful.  Ashaki was smiling at me.  She looked tired, but so content with our little girl at her breast.  We have been blessed that our babies have all nursed well, right from the beginning.  And it always amazes me to see them, only a few moments after being born, snuggling close to my wife and taking nourishment.  Certain American men I have known think that watching their wives nurse their children somehow makes the women seem less attractive.  I could not disagree more.  It is not a sexual thing, this feeding of babies at the breast.  But, as I watch my wife smile and stroke the skin of our children as she holds them close and nurses them, well...  She never looks more breathtaking to me as she does in those moments.

And now I have three daughters -- 9, 6, and 2 years old -- and a new babe on the way.  Boy or girl?  I don't know.  Ashaki still insists on being surprised.  And I must admit, it is kind of fun, waiting for that "big announcement" to come from the very private and well-shaded back portion of my home.  Has it become less scary to me, as I wait while my wife goes through the birthing process.  Not exactly.  Ashaki trusts God.  I trust Ashaki, and I try to trust God. 

What kind of a father am I?  Probably far from perfect.  I do love it, though.  Teaching my girls, playing with them.  I even love holding my babies, bathing them, changing their diapers.  I had no idea I would enjoy my babies so much.  Of course, I knew I would help Ashaki.  I didn't want to be one of those "cave men," refusing to assist with the multitude of chores associated with infants.  I was determined to pitch in.  But, what I didn't anticipate was loving it so much, loving them so much -- those tiny babies.  My favorite thing?  Late at night, after Ashaki has finished feeding the little one, she lays the babe on top of my chest and we sleep that way -- my child and I.  Feeling that warm weight on top of me, breathing as I breathe, there is nothing like that in all the world.

So, when Ashaki tells me that she is "ready for another," maybe I do feel a little bit terrified.  After all, I had never envisioned myself with more than two children.  But, I also feel more than a bit excited.  Yes, there are those times...  The times when everybody comes down with the stomach flu simultaneously, or when everybody is just tired and cranky at the end of a long day...  I mean, life isn't a fairy tale -- for anybody.

But, when I think of where I was all those years ago, at the end of my less-than-praiseworthy LAPD "career," I am just grateful to be loved and to love.  When I think of how things could have turned out for me, when I think of what I actually deserved (and maybe still deserve), I tremble inside.  And so the hardest things about my family life?  I just count them as joy.  Well... I count them as joy after I get over being tired and cranky from cleaning all the vomit up.

Maybe you are wondering if I ever speak to anybody from my old life, my LAPD days.  No, I don't.  Although, I did speak with Sammy once.  It was a few months after Hadiya was born.  As I rocked her one morning while Ashaki bathed, I started thinking about little Nate.  I was his "Uncle Ben."  And I was suddenly and overwhelmingly ashamed at the danger I had exposed him to when I had Chris stage the break-in at Sammy's.  Of course, I didn't realize Chris would actually encounter Nate and the sitter.  But, I knew things could go awry with my plan.  Of course, I knew.  But, I was willing to risk it for my own damned self-interest.  And that's what it was -- my own selfish interests.  My plan had nothing to do with caring about Sammy.  It was all about protecting myself, my reputation, my career.  And I had put a small child in danger.  A child I supposedly loved.  A child who trusted me.  And when I looked at Hadiya resting in my arms, looking up at me with those big, hazel eyes (all of my daughters have gorgeous hazel eyes, rich chocolate skin, and wavy ebony hair), I knew that if Sammy were to do to me what I did to him?  I would have wanted to kill him.  Literally.  And in that moment, looking into the eyes of my daughter, thinking of the danger I had placed Sammy's son in, I loathed myself.  So, I called him.  I didn't know if he would accept my call, but he did.  And I apologized -- an apology that, if I had been in Sammy's position, would have been much too little, way too late.  But Sammy, being Sammy, actually listened.  He listened while I told him about Ashaki and Hadiya and being a father.  He listened to me tell him, rather lamely and awkwardly, how sorry I was, how I finally "got it."  And Sammy, being Sammy, actually forgave me.  "I don't deserve your forgiveness," I told him.  "No, you don't," he answered. "But, I'm fucking giving it to you, anyway, you fucker."  And then he actually laughed and told me about Nate -- and about his second wife and their small daughter.  And he told me that sometimes "the job" -- that whole cop thing -- was too much for some guys.  He told me that, for some guys, being a cop is like being caught in a whirlpool that sucks you in and then spits out your lifeless body.  He told me that I was one of those guys, and that he was glad I got out of the whirlpool before it killed me.  He also told me I should never come back.  I didn't argue. 

*******

"Benjamin," she whispers to me in the night, just after I return to bed after getting a thirsty little girl a drink of water, "it is time."

So, I go to wake the midwife, and I fear once again for my beautiful woman and the child who is preparing to make his (or her) entrance into this lovely, though troubled, world.  And I wonder if we will have a little boy this time.  As I wonder, though, I realize that it doesn't really matter to me whether we are given a baby boy or another little girl.  And -- in this realization -- I surprise myself, once again.

Ben Sherman -- Epilogue, Part 9

It is amazing to me, and it will always be amazing to me, that Ashaki loves me even with all the dark secrets of my past exposed to her.  She does not flinch even when I express to her the inner conflict I feel about many things.  She does not shy away when I tell her that I have trouble "repenting" of some of my actions -- actions that most people would say were terribly wrong.  I think about situations I was in, relationships I had, and I still can't always see clearly.  I still can't say that I know I should have done "x" instead of "y."  Sometimes there are shadows when I reflect on my past -- shades of grey more than black and white.  I struggle with sorting and sifting the "right" from the "wrong."  I wonder if there even is a "right" answer to certain things.  Is there a moral absolute?  And, if there is a moral absolute, what is it and have I violated it?  I struggle with my conscience.  And I don't know if -- when I want to defend myself and what I have done -- it is out of a knowledge that I have acted correctly, or if I am simply avoiding the pain it would cause me to admit that I have acted in hurtful and selfish ways.

When I confess these things to Ashaki -- these deep, inner thoughts and movements of my soul -- she does not judge me.  She listens.  She holds me close.  And she quietly says, "You are good.  Your struggles show me that you are good.  Evil people do not struggle with themselves.  And trust that you are loved.  Trust in my love.  Love gives us the strength to face ourselves, because love assures us that we will be held close.  That we will not be rejected.  But, you must be patient with yourself.  You must allow yourself to struggle.  In the end, your struggle -- if it is an honest one -- will bring you clarity and peace."

So, with my secrets being secrets no more to this beautiful woman, she truly became MY beautiful woman -- my Ashaki, my wife.  And I became her husband.  We were married in the midst of her people -- our people -- one beautiful morning.  There was much laughter and food, music and dancing.  And the fact that I was this white guy?  Well, there was some eyebrow raising.  But, I have found that most people -- when the proverbial rubber hits the proverbial road -- want their children, their loved ones, and their friends to be happy, to be with a person who truly loves them.  And it was clear that Ashaki and I loved each other.  In my own heart, I was rather taken aback at the thought that I could love a woman as I love Ashaki.  I didn't think I had it in me to really want to spend my whole life with one person.  I never thought I could enter a marriage actually having confidence that it could last "'til death do us part."  Who believes that, anymore?  I mean, yes, you say it -- because that's what you're supposed to say.   But, I always figured that in the back of my mind there would be the thought that it might not actually work out.  Surprisingly, though, that thought was not in the back of my mind -- or in any other part of my mind.  I found that when I made my vows to my Ashaki, looking into her smiling eyes and her trusting face, I actually meant them -- every word of them.

I am sure that you will now all imagine that our lovemaking that night was perfect -- full of passion.  Well, if it was, it almost wasn't.  And that was my fault.  I can still be an idiot.  As my sweet new wife and I prepared for bed, she noticed the box of condoms I had placed by my pillow.  And tears filled her eyes.  We had talked about children.  As I said, Ashaki would often teasingly tell me that she hoped for four or five.  Now, though, I realized that she was not teasing.  Yes, she would say it in a playful manner, but she actually meant it.  I had also assumed that we would wait for a little while -- like maybe a year or so -- before actually "trying for a baby."  Well, Ashaki had not assumed this.  She had assumed the opposite.  Can you even believe it?  With all the things we were careful to talk about before our wedding, we had somehow neglected to talk about when we would start a family. 

"Why don't you want a baby now?" she asked me, the tears running down her cheeks.  "We love each other.  We are married.  We have a home.  What else do we need?  And I am young -- healthy and strong and fertile.  It is the perfect time.  What if we wait and something happens?  What if we wait and it ends up that I can't get pregnant easily?"

I looked at this lovely creature who was now my wife, and I could not refuse her.  I didn't want to refuse her.  I didn't really understand it -- this deep and unrelenting desire for a child -- but, I realized I didn't have to understand it.  Her desire was a fact.  So, I tossed the condoms in the trash and took my now giggling wife into my arms -- took her to me.  And she took me to her.  And we were together -- perfectly, happily, joyfully together.  For the first time, I actually made love.  I had fucked a lot of women, hooked up with others.  But, I had never made love to anybody before making love to my Ashaki.  And, in making love to her, I finally realized how you can be an 80-year-old man making love to your 80-year-old wife and still find the whole thing to be quite satisfying.

Now you know the story of how I came to be lying here in the hot, still darkness -- next to this beautiful woman who is mine.  This woman heavy with our child.  And I am happy -- and I am scared.  Will I be a good father?  Do I know how to be a good father?  Ashaki believes I will be.  I cannot let her down.  I refuse to let her down.  And so I breathe and I touch her softness and I wait for our baby to come...



  

Ben Sherman -- Epilogue, Part 8

There is a part of me that is actually quite silly.  A part I had almost forgotten about.  It used to come out often, when I was younger -- in high school and college.  Even when Sammy and I were partners, before all the shit hit the fan, the fun side of me used to surface.  Filling Sammy's car with birds -- now that was one for the record.  Or duct taping his locker closed when he was in the shower, just a few minutes before roll call.  Priceless.  And I used to enjoy using my ability with a variety of amusing facial expressions and "cartoon character voices" to entertain friends and acquaintances quite often, back in the "old days." 

As I spent more time with Ashaki, this silly part of my began to re-emerge.  I could have her literally doubled over in laughter if I raised my eyebrows in a certain way or talked in what I call my "scooby-doo" voice.  And I can't lie.  It pleased me to no end to be able to make her smile and laugh with what seemed like very little effort.  And her smile and her laughter caused me to smile and laugh, in turn.

Time went on.  Ashaki and I spent as much time together as possible, though in socially acceptable ways.  Her family would have me over for meals quite often.  And then she and I would walk together at sunset, across the little valley and over the small hills, talking of many things -- our educations, literature, music, art, politics, religion, philosophy.  Did we agree on everything?  Most definitely not.  As I mentioned before, Ashaki has a strong faith in God.  In a God who actually loves us.  I have a harder time with that.  Also, she finds modern art "irksome" and "hard on the nervous system."  I, on the other hand, have a storage unit full of the stuff back in L.A. (My modern art collection is the one thing that I did not dispose of before coming to Africa.  Well, along with the pills.  The pills that I now knew I would never use.)  Ashaki told me, grinning mischievously, "We will have to make a bonfire of that 'art' of yours, if we ever have the opportunity."  Often, we would not be alone on our walks.  The children and young people of the village frequently accompanied us.  And the teenagers enjoyed joining our conversations, and we enjoyed their input.  I did not feel as though my time with Ashaki was intruded upon by the "company" we had on our evening sojourns.  I reveled in the presence of all these people.  And seeing Ashaki with them only made me come to appreciate her more.  I was falling in love with her, though I didn't want to admit it to myself.

Why didn't I want to admit it to myself?  If I admitted it to myself, I would have had to think about the dreaded "m" word -- marriage.  There was no way Ashaki and I could live together without being married, not in this place.  And neither of us wanted to leave this place.  Also, to tell you the truth, I don't think she would have consented to that arrangement, anyway.  Not that she was a prude, or anything.  She was raised for a good part of her life in England.  She had gone to university there.  She was a beautiful woman.  There had been men.  She never really spoke of them, but I knew there had been boyfriends.  In her move back to her homeland, though, in the way she valued the traditional culture of her people, I knew where her heart really stood.  She was the kind of woman who would want commitment -- as in the dreaded "m" word -- before moving in with a man.   She also wanted children.  She didn't speak of it that often, probably because she didn't want to scare me off, but she would occasionally mention her desire for children.  Four or five of them, she would teasingly say, with a rather whistful look in her eye.  And I would watch her cuddle the babies of the village.  I would watch her chase the toddlers.  And I knew she wanted little ones of her own.  And I knew she would be a beautiful mother.  The best kind of mother.  But, I wasn't convinced I could be any kind of a good father.  I mean, I loved our students.  I loved the children of my new home.  But, that was a completely different thing than having my own kids.  The thought of having my own kids, my own wife, my own family?  Well, the idea of those things pretty much completely freaked me out.

So, I just avoided thinking about the future.  I also avoided thinking about sex.  When it got difficult to avoid thinking about sex, I would go for a good 5-mile run in the heat.  That would solve my problem, at least for a little while.  I just struggled to stay in the present.  I just tried to enjoy being with Ashaki without having a physical relationship, without thinking about the dreaded "m" word.  And I was fairly successful.

Until...

Until I was given a little "talking to" one day by Ashaki's brother.  This young man was not quite as bright as his sister, but he was pretty smart.  And his English was very good, as he had spent a lot of time with some missionary priests as he was growing up.

He asked me if I wanted to have a beer.  Yes, there was beer.  Courtesy of some friends of Ashaki, who sent it over from Europe on a regular basis.  It was late afternoon on a day when school wasn't in session.  We sat in the shade and "chewed the fat" for a while.  And then he dropped it on me.  The bomb.  "You know she cries every night," he told me.  "She's been crying every night for at least a month."

"What?  Who cries?" I asked him, rather taken aback.

"Ashaki," he answered.  And he looked at me carefully, and then he continued.  "Finally, I asked her what was wrong.  At first, I tried to leave her be.  Thought it was a passing thing.  You know how women are.  But, it did not pass.  So, I went and spoke to her one night, as she was crying.  I asked her to tell me the cause of her sadness.  She didn't want to, but I persisted.  Got the truth out of her.  And the truth, Ben, is that she loves you.  She told me that she thought you loved her, too, but now she's starting to wonder.  Because, basically, you haven't 'made your move.'  You haven't said anything to her about how you feel.  You haven't said if you feel anything at all.  And she doesn't know what to think.  Or do.  And she can't bear the thought of losing you.  So, my man, it's time to 'take a stand,' if you will.  Do you love her, or not?  It's fine if you don't.  My sister deserves the best, deserves someone who truly wants her.  So, if you don't want to be with her, then speak up.  But, if you do love her, it's time to say it.  And, frankly, you've had plenty of time to make up your mind."

"I do love her," I told him, my voice barely above a whisper.  "More than anything.  More than anybody.  But, you know man, there are things.  Things about myself, my past.  If she really knew everything about me, everything there is to know...  Well, I don't know if she'd love me so much, anymore.  She loves the "me" that she has gotten to know here.  She didn't know me before.  She doesn't know what I was like.  She doesn't know what I'm capable of -- the bad things, the evil things I've done.  The things I did when I was a cop.  The things I rationalized."

"If she knew those things and still loved you, what would you want?" Ashaki's brother gently prodded.

I didn't answer immediately.  I couldn't imagine somebody knowing my past -- really knowing it -- and still loving me, still wanting to be my wife.  So, I didn't quite know what to say.  After a few moments, though, I replied, "If she still loved me, then I would want her to be with me always.  I would want to marry her.  But, I'm scared to tell her.  I'm scared to lose -- not only her -- but everything beautiful that my life has come to hold here."

"You need to talk to her, Ben," the brother of the woman I love said to me quietly.  "You need to trust her.  You CAN trust her.  This I know."

After a rather sleepless night, I walked -- rather slowly -- to Ashaki's home in the early morning sunlight.  She was standing in the doorway when I got there.  Perhaps she had been expecting me?  And she looked so strong, and yet so vulnerable, as she gazed up at me with those eyes.  Those eyes which seemed to hold an infinity in their dark depths.  I hoped the infinity they held would be one of happiness -- for both of us.

And so we talked.  And, between this woman and I, there were no more secrets...

To be continued...

Ben Sherman -- Epilogue, Part 7

Ashaki quickly became an invaluable member of the team in our little one-room schoolhouse.  Her naturally joyful nature and quick sense of humor offset my more melancholy tendencies.  Although, I have to say that being in Africa, doing this new work, was slowly transforming my disposition into a more upbeat one.  I had always thought I naturally tended towards negativity.  But, maybe I was wrong about that.  Maybe I just needed to be around different kinds of people, in a different kind of environment, in order for my optimistic side to surface.  In any case, working alongside George and Ashaki -- teaching our enthusiastic young students -- brought a lightness to my heart and my outward manner that was new to me.

And this woman was so lovely, just being in her presence made me happy.  It was a new thing, too, being around a beautiful woman and not trying to get her into the sack with me.  As I said before, George had warned me sternly to "keep it zipped."  And that admonition applied to my relationship with Ashaki, as well as to all the other women among whom I was now living.  For even though Ashaki was my peer -- as a fellow teacher -- she was also a member of the country and culture in which I was a guest.  If she were to be caught in my bed, well...  The ramifications would not be very pleasant, for either of us.  Her culture, after all, was fairly traditional.  A local woman sleeping with a visiting American guy would have been unfairly and negatively labeled.  And the visiting American guy would no longer be very welcome.  The thought of being unwelcome in my new home was incentive enough for me to behave myself.  I loved this place, these people.  Having to leave them -- especially in disgrace -- would have broken my heart more than anything had broken it before.  Also, the thought of having Ashaki be treated with even a tiny bit of scorn by anybody was unbearable to me.  This woman was so kind, so gracious, so vibrant.  If her reputation were to be tarnished because of me...  That was unthinkable.

You may be wondering how this woman who became mine was able to become a university graduate, being that she was from the place in which I was now teaching.  A place in which virtually nobody had any type of formal education.  When she was a small child, her parents noticed that she was incredibly gifted.  She was eager and able to learn to read the few books that were in her family home.  She loved working arithmetic problems, and would beg the adults around her to indulge her in this pleasure.  So her parents, wanting what all parents want -- the best for their child -- made a great personal sacrifice and sent their daughter to a relative's home in England, as soon as she was old enough to make such a journey.  In England, Ashaki received a fine education.  And, thankfully, she was able to return home for many vacations.  Thus, she retained a strong identity as a member of her own country and culture -- an identity which led her to want to return to her homeland permanently when she completed her formal education.  Yes, Ashaki had no desire to ever leave the home of her childhood again.  She had a great love for her people and culture.  She still does.  She always will. 

So I found myself, for the first time in many years, becoming an actual friend to a woman I could not bed.  We spent a lot of time together, making excuses to stay in our little schoolhouse far later each day than what was actually necessary to prepare our lessons.  But, we were also careful to avoid causing any kind of gossip or "eyebrow raising" amongst the people.  Although, I'm sure many of them knew something was up.  As long as I behaved honorably, though, people were tolerant of my friendship with this "sister" of theirs.  And so we grew closer -- Ashaki and I.

To be continued...

Ben Sherman -- Epilogue, Part 6

 ** For those of you who may be new to this blog and/or story, I am a great fan of the TV show "SouthLAnd" -- a show which was not renewed for a sixth season (boo-hoo).  The main characters of that show were left in a variety of states -- some good, some not-so-good.  And I started to wonder -- as did other fans -- what would have become of Officer Ben Sherman (played by Ben McKenzie) if the series had been allowed to continue.  After all, the series finale left him lying on the ground in seeming moral defeat.  So, I decided to let my imagination run a little wild, and I have been having a lot of fun coming up with a continuing story for Officer Ben.  It's probably a little cheesy, but I'm enjoying myself here. ;-) **

School had been in session for a little less than a month.  I was happier than I had ever been.  The kids were doing well, and were more enthused than any kids I had ever been in a classroom with during my childhood.  They actually seemed to enjoy learning the alphabet, learning how to put letters together into the words of a new language.  Using pictures -- and, of course, George's knowledge of the native tongue -- we taught them English a little at a time.  English that could actually be useful.  I remember learning Spanish back in high school.  I knew how to say "the lady has blue hair" before I could have asked somebody where to find a restroom.  I was happy that George's nonprofit was taking a this approach.  We were teaching our students how to apply what they were learning in practical ways.  I have often thought that if American kids could make a connection between their educations and their actual lives, the "system" would be more effective.  Here -- in a land far away from that in which I was born -- I was seeing the fruits of such a learning environment.

So, yes, we did a lot of the so-called "three R's" with our kids -- reading, writing, arithmetic.  But, there was also ample time for art, music, physical activity.  We didn't have fancy "equipment" for these subjects, but George's group provided good, basic materials.  And the kids themselves often brought musical instruments and art supplies from home.  We were, after all, living  in the midst of a culture where these things are valued.  We taught our students about the history of their nation.  We studied their culture.  And when I say "we" studied -- well, that's exactly what I mean.  I had as much learning to do as they.  But, as many seasoned teachers have said, "You've just got to stay one chapter ahead."  Not that we really had textbooks, to speak of.  There were a few of those.  Mostly, though, a generous number of seemingly random books were provided by George's organization.  Books that covered a variety of subjects.  I found, though, that when I put together my own ideas with the ideas and knowledge I found in these books, I could come up with some pretty creative lesson plans. 

So, as I said, I was feeling happy.  There were still nightmares and self-doubt.  Hell, there still are.  But, the tangle of negative emotions in my heart was starting to loosen a little.  And in the midst of this -- on one hot afternoon as I was trying to explain to my charges why the letters "c" and "h", when put together as "ch", make the unpredictable sound that they do -- I looked up to see a face in the doorway of the little schoolhouse.  A face I had never seen before.  A woman's face.  Young, but somehow ageless.  Breathtaking.  A face the color of chocolate -- chocolate infused with gold dust.  Eyes large and black, but open somehow -- open to life and love and joy.  High cheekbones that somehow managed to exude a pinkish hue, even for being so wonderfully and softly dark.  And that face was smiling at me -- smiling a kind, yet wise and knowing smile.  A smile that belied an understanding and experience of the difficulties and hurts of life.  A smile that also belied a willingness to embrace that life, as hard as it can sometimes be.  And I knew, somehow, that I wanted the life which that smile embraced to embrace me.

Her name was Ashaki -- which means "light".  She certainly became that for me, this woman who became my wife.  She was the aunt of one of my students -- a lively, bright 10-year-old boy.  She had recently graduated from University in England, where she studied linguistics.  Finally -- someone besides George with whom I could easily converse.  Why had she come back here?  Why didn't she stay in England, or even go to America?  She would be welcome in either place, given her intelligence, her education.  She had learned of the school George's nonprofit had started here, in the place of her birth, and she wanted to help out.  That was fine by me.  George was often in demand by the organization -- needed for various administrative decisions and tasks.  That left him with little time for actual hands-on teaching in the school, which meant that I was responsible for most of it.  Therefore, this lovely lady's assistance would be most welcome.  And little did I know, when I first set eyes on her, that she would not only be of utmost value in our little classroom.  She would become of utmost value to me, for the whole of my life.

To be continued...

Ben Sherman -- Epilogue, Part 5

** This is going on much longer than I expected.  But, I'm just having so much fun here!  Thanks to everyone who is reading! **

The first month of my new life was an adjustment, to say the least.  A good one, though.  Pleasant, even.  George and I were given a small home in the village where the new school was located.  Happy people provided us with good, simple food and were eager for our company.  Little children peeked out at us from behind door frames and their mothers' skirts, giggling and ducking when we smiled or waved.  The residents of the village seemed especially amused by me.  In fact, I believe the native word for "ghost" was occasionally -- though fondly -- used to describe me.  Let's face it.  Even for an American, I am rather pale.  But -- I am also quick and athletic -- and the local youngsters were happy to have me join in their games, often playfully arguing about which team would get to have "the ghost" as a member.  The male residents of the village would point at my biceps and grin, giving me the universally understood "thumbs up" sign, and flexing their own arms in a sign of masculine solidarity.  Occasionally, a bolder girl would squeeze my shoulder and smile becomingly, although any "hanky-panky" was clearly off limits.  And I wanted it that way.  I realized that sex had become less and less of a pleasure for me over the years.  A physical release, yes.  But a growing emotional burden, too.  So, George's admonition to "keep it zipped" was actually quite welcome, believe it or not.

George and I were also quite busy, during the first several weeks of our stay, getting the school ready for its opening.  The structure was intact when we arrived, but painting was required.  The local people wanted bright colors -- red trim and yellow walls for the outside.  For the inside, blues and greens reminiscent of the ocean were chosen.  The ocean which none of these people had actually ever seen, but which was alive in their imaginations.  George's non-profit provided tables and chairs, a chalkboard (including chalk), a modicum of books, writing tablets and pencils. 

The most difficult challenge?  The students in our little one-room schoolhouse would range from 7 to 13 years of age.  There would be twenty of them.  None of them had ever been to a formal school before.  So, we had to carefully plan out how to arrange the school day to accommodate the needs of all these different children who were entrusting their futures to us.  Maybe it sounds like a bit of an exaggeration to say that they were "entrusting their futures to us."  But, in a way, that's what they were doing -- academically, anyhow.  If they were to have any chance of having an advanced education -- of going to secondary school, or even university -- they were relying on George and me to give them the necessary foundation.  As a person who had always taken my own education a little bit for granted, this thought did weigh upon me.  George, though, with his outgoing ways, quick sense of humor, and positive attitude, proved a good counterweight to my more melancholy tendencies.  "Sherman," he would say, smiling good-naturedly, "you think you're making this about them.  But, you're not.  You're making it about you.  You always do.  Your ego is talking here.  Your ego is riding on our success or failure.  If these kids are actually what's important to you, things will snap into perspective.  You'll realize not everything is up to you.  Not everything is under your control.  You do the work.  You do the best you can.  The results are not up to you.  And if we get good results, that's not about you, either.  So, King Ben, climb down off that high-and-mighty little throne of yours and help me set up these tables."  Hell, maybe this little speech of George's is what Sammy was trying to tell me all along.  Maybe it was just a little easier to hear in this environment -- this environment with smiling, laughing kids who just wanted me to play games with them.  This environment where I didn't need handcuffs and a gun to survive.  Fuck that Sammy.  I'm not quite ready to forgive him yet, as willing as he was to throw me under the bus to comfort his own messed up conscience.

Sometimes I think about Sammy.  I think about his little guy, Nate.  I did love Nate.  I was his Uncle Ben.  I loved Sammy, too.  He was my friend.  I would have done anything for him.  Hell, I did do everything for him.  For us.  For our partnership, our careers, our future.  And somehow, everything just got out of control.  I wonder if Sammy hates me.  Some nights I wake up -- hot in my bed, in this land far from everything I've ever known -- and I think about these things.  And I can't breathe.  And then I look at the beautiful woman, full with my babe, lying next to me and I put everything from my old life out of my mind.  I imagine my past as a dark cloud just blowing by me, a cloud which disintegrates into nothingness as it passes.  And then I can breathe again.  And I reach for this woman, for her softness, for her warmth -- and she smiles at me in the darkness, the darkness that is gently lit by the moon and the stars, and she takes me into herself.  Loving me.  Making me realize that nobody has ever loved me before.  Not really.  Making me realize that I have never loved anyone before.  Not really.  Not even Elena.  As I said, I did love Elena.  But it was a selfish, taking kind of a love.  Not like the love I have for this woman who lies next to me now, who will lie next to me every night for the rest of our lives.

You may be wondering how I met this incredible woman who became mine.  When did I first see her, speak with her, know that I loved her?  How did we come to be together?  How did she come to be my wife?

To be continued...