Andrea Lynch is my 26-year-old daughter. I raised her, yes. But -- she is much a much better woman than I. Especially for her age. I often think kids are born with their own characters and personalities, at least for the most part. It is basically our job as parents to keep our kids alive until adulthood, allowing healthy opportunities for those characters and personalities to unfold. Andrea actually reminds me A LOT of my nana (my father's mother). She looks like her, acts like her, walks like her, talks like her. And they never even met, as my nana passed away when I was 12.
Anyway, Andrea is a stellar person. And my role model. I don't try to be exactly like her, of course. That would be silly, and unnatural. She possesses certain wonderful characteristics, though, in much more abundance than I. And I try to learn from those.
One of the things about Andrea that most stands out to me is her nonjudgmental nature. Andrea is the MOST TRULY NONJUDGMENTAL person I have ever known. I really don't know how she does it.
Andrea is a very Catholic person. She knows her faith well and practices it seriously. This leads many people to believe she would judge them -- on at least some level -- for their moral failings (or maybe it is better to say their moral failings as defined by Catholicism). But, she doesn't. At all. Really and truly. Andrea is able to be both a serious Catholic and a completely nonjudgmental person. This is a wonderful gift, because she is able to move throughout society, living her life as she believes she should, and allowing others to live their lives as they believe they should. She is kind and positive and happy towards everybody. She is able to be a true friend to all kinds of people. Unless -- of course -- you are not a nice person. And believe you me, Andrea will KNOW if you are not a nice person.
Back in her college days, Andrea had a Latina friend who told me, "Andrea has the sixth sense." And I think this is true. Andrea just kind of knows about people -- whether they are good or bad. She does get a sense about them -- very quickly. She doesn't make a lot of noise about it, but she'll let me know if she thinks somebody is shady. And at least 9 times out of 10 -- probably more like 10 times out of 10 -- she has been right.
Andrea also has a very well-guarded tongue. She is quite observant, but she is not quick to speak. Andrea could work in the most sensitive of places -- the CIA, the NSA, Hollywood -- and be completely trustworthy with the most sensitive of information. Of course, you could get nothing by her, either. But, you would know that she wouldn't shoot off her mouth about your business.
One final thing I would like to mention about Andrea is her work ethic. The girl just loves to go to work. Absolutely loves it. I have never seen anybody love to go to work like Andrea. And she works hard. Really, really hard. Harder than I ever have.
Again, please don't think I am bragging here. Because Andrea really is my role model. These things I have mentioned are things that I don't think I taught her specifically. They are things that have just developed over time, and which I would do well to learn from and emulate.
Showing posts with label young adults. Show all posts
Showing posts with label young adults. Show all posts
Monday, January 26, 2015
Monday, October 21, 2013
Why Y'all Should Take Each Others' Classes
The other day, a college student posted this on social media:
"Don't take this class if you have any glimpse of conservativeness in you."
*adds to schedule*
This college student is a very bright young man, a very good young man, a very idealistic young man. And he goes to an outstanding university. He's also very witty, and I laughed really hard when I read what he posted.
You might be wondering to what class he is referring. It is called: Race and Minority Relations.
I would love to take that class.
Anyway, this young man not only entertained me, he got me to thinking. And I started thinking that the progressive young people and the conservative young people need to start taking each others' classes. Maybe some old people -- on both sides of the political divide -- need to be taking these classes, too. I would love to see Rush Limbaugh have to sit in on Race and Minority Relations -- perhaps with his mouth duct taped closed.
Those of you who have been reading my blog know that I am a Republican, with strong progressive sympathies. As a Republican, I have been pretty mortified by my party over the past several years. Way too much extremism and blatantly crazy ideas going on. And not just a little bit of fear-mongering, either. I'm pretty tired of it all.
Those of you who have been reading my blog also know that I am a Catholic and that I have three children -- two girls and a boy -- who are 25, 23, and 21 years old.
So, as a Catholic Republican, I admit that I was not disappointed when my two oldest chose to attend very conservative Catholic colleges. I wanted them to learn their faith well, and to be in an atmosphere where they would feel supported in their beliefs as they entered the adult world. The schools they attended were quite good, and they received fine educations. I did notice, though, that there was nary a Democrat to be found at either of their schools -- not amongst the students, not amongst the faculty, not amongst the staff. Well... Okay. Perhaps I exaggerate. There were probably a few Democrats in the mix. But, if there were, I bet they felt they couldn't show up sporting Obama bumper stickers on their cars. So most, if not all, of the classes my daughters took had a decidedly conservative bent. And most of the students and graduates of these schools -- at least the ones I have spent time with -- don't think very highly of progressive ideas. And they probably aren't hanging out with progressives in social settings too much, either -- at least, voluntarily.
My son's school is also Catholic. And most people would call it conservative. There are, though, quite a few progressives there -- amongst the students, faculty, and staff. Some of the classes are taught from a more conservative angle, some from a more progressive angle. My son tends to be very conservative, both religiously and politically. I have been quite impressed, though, at the friendships he has formed at his school with people of varying ideas. When he arrived home for his first Christmas break, he told me that he was finding that, "If you have a problem, it's really nice to talk to your more liberal friends. They tend to be much more sympathetic than the really conservative people." Please don't be insulted if you are a sympathetic conservative person. I don't mean to be insulting, and neither did my son. I was really happy, though, that through his exposure to progressives, he was coming to appreciate them. He was coming to view their ideas in a more open-minded manner. He was coming to see their opinions, not as threats, but as different ways of looking at the world, to be considered and discussed in a fair manner.
So, when I saw the statement made by the young man about how the conservatives probably shouldn't take the Race and Minority Relations class, it made me start to ponder my own children's college experiences, which got me to thinking about how everybody needs to start taking each others' classes. Because, as we all know, our country has become very polarized ideologically. Everybody is digging in with their own side. It's almost like trench warfare. "You progressives stay in your ditch and we conservatives will stay in ours." And once in a while -- because we've come to view each other as enemies -- we'll lob mortars into each others' trenches. And these mortars -- while maybe not causing literal limbs to be lost -- do cause injury to our society, to our culture, and to the individuals that make up our society and our culture.
So, I would like to encourage all of you young people -- left, right, and center -- to get out of your trenches and go raise a glass or two together. Talk to each other. LISTEN to each other. I have seen the good effect this respectful sharing of ideas has had on my son. And I would like to see more of it. And I believe that if you don't get out there and start mixing with each other in a way that is truly sincere, good-hearted, open-minded, and FRIENDLY, that you are simply short-changing yourselves, our country, and our world.
"Don't take this class if you have any glimpse of conservativeness in you."
*adds to schedule*
This college student is a very bright young man, a very good young man, a very idealistic young man. And he goes to an outstanding university. He's also very witty, and I laughed really hard when I read what he posted.
You might be wondering to what class he is referring. It is called: Race and Minority Relations.
I would love to take that class.
Anyway, this young man not only entertained me, he got me to thinking. And I started thinking that the progressive young people and the conservative young people need to start taking each others' classes. Maybe some old people -- on both sides of the political divide -- need to be taking these classes, too. I would love to see Rush Limbaugh have to sit in on Race and Minority Relations -- perhaps with his mouth duct taped closed.
Those of you who have been reading my blog know that I am a Republican, with strong progressive sympathies. As a Republican, I have been pretty mortified by my party over the past several years. Way too much extremism and blatantly crazy ideas going on. And not just a little bit of fear-mongering, either. I'm pretty tired of it all.
Those of you who have been reading my blog also know that I am a Catholic and that I have three children -- two girls and a boy -- who are 25, 23, and 21 years old.
So, as a Catholic Republican, I admit that I was not disappointed when my two oldest chose to attend very conservative Catholic colleges. I wanted them to learn their faith well, and to be in an atmosphere where they would feel supported in their beliefs as they entered the adult world. The schools they attended were quite good, and they received fine educations. I did notice, though, that there was nary a Democrat to be found at either of their schools -- not amongst the students, not amongst the faculty, not amongst the staff. Well... Okay. Perhaps I exaggerate. There were probably a few Democrats in the mix. But, if there were, I bet they felt they couldn't show up sporting Obama bumper stickers on their cars. So most, if not all, of the classes my daughters took had a decidedly conservative bent. And most of the students and graduates of these schools -- at least the ones I have spent time with -- don't think very highly of progressive ideas. And they probably aren't hanging out with progressives in social settings too much, either -- at least, voluntarily.
My son's school is also Catholic. And most people would call it conservative. There are, though, quite a few progressives there -- amongst the students, faculty, and staff. Some of the classes are taught from a more conservative angle, some from a more progressive angle. My son tends to be very conservative, both religiously and politically. I have been quite impressed, though, at the friendships he has formed at his school with people of varying ideas. When he arrived home for his first Christmas break, he told me that he was finding that, "If you have a problem, it's really nice to talk to your more liberal friends. They tend to be much more sympathetic than the really conservative people." Please don't be insulted if you are a sympathetic conservative person. I don't mean to be insulting, and neither did my son. I was really happy, though, that through his exposure to progressives, he was coming to appreciate them. He was coming to view their ideas in a more open-minded manner. He was coming to see their opinions, not as threats, but as different ways of looking at the world, to be considered and discussed in a fair manner.
So, when I saw the statement made by the young man about how the conservatives probably shouldn't take the Race and Minority Relations class, it made me start to ponder my own children's college experiences, which got me to thinking about how everybody needs to start taking each others' classes. Because, as we all know, our country has become very polarized ideologically. Everybody is digging in with their own side. It's almost like trench warfare. "You progressives stay in your ditch and we conservatives will stay in ours." And once in a while -- because we've come to view each other as enemies -- we'll lob mortars into each others' trenches. And these mortars -- while maybe not causing literal limbs to be lost -- do cause injury to our society, to our culture, and to the individuals that make up our society and our culture.
So, I would like to encourage all of you young people -- left, right, and center -- to get out of your trenches and go raise a glass or two together. Talk to each other. LISTEN to each other. I have seen the good effect this respectful sharing of ideas has had on my son. And I would like to see more of it. And I believe that if you don't get out there and start mixing with each other in a way that is truly sincere, good-hearted, open-minded, and FRIENDLY, that you are simply short-changing yourselves, our country, and our world.
Thursday, August 22, 2013
Watching TV With Your Teens And Young Adult Kids -- A Few More Thoughts
Yesterday, I used "The O.C." as an example of how I watch TV with my kids, who are now 24 (almost 25), 23, and 21 years old. The older two are girls. The youngest is a boy.
I tend to get along pretty well with my kids. Sometimes, they think I am too strict. Sometimes, I think they are too strict. Don't go thinking that they don't get on me about stuff. Like, for instance, my cage dancing fantasy.
But, anyway.
When I spoke about watching "The O.C." with my children, I related how I used the characters and happenings in the show as "teachable moments." We would discuss issues the show presented and how the characters handled various situations they encountered. I hoped that these discussions would help my kids to become a little wiser about the ways of the world.
As I thought more about my blog post, I realized I kind of made it sound like I'm always and everywhere trying to teach my kids valuable lessons when we watch TV and movies. Frankly, if that were the case, I don't think my kids would want to watch ANYTHING with me, at all. I would just be a ball and chain around their entertainment-loving young selves.
So, I guess, most of the time, I just sit with my kids and we enjoy television shows and movies together. No comments, no judging, no discussion. Just fun and genuine, spur-of-the-moment reactions to the stories being told. Maybe some snacks thrown in. I mean, after all, my kids are older now. If they don't know the values I wanted them to grow up with by this time, I have pretty much failed. Although, I also took this more silent approach -- at least most of the time -- when they were teenagers. And I think it has value.
Why do I think it has value?
People are a generally rebellious lot. We don't like to get told what to do so very much. We like to make up our own minds. And, frankly, most kids know what their parents' opinions are by the time they are teenagers. That's why, when you see them rebelling, they are doing the opposite of what their parents would suggest. They have obviously figured out their parents way of thinking. And they are testing that way of thinking.
As you may know by now (ha-ha), I am a rather rebellious person. But -- and this may surprise you -- I never engaged in any so-called "high-risk" behaviors as a teen or young adult. Why? Certainly not because of my own common sense. I attribute this to my parents -- especially my dad -- who knew how to tread gently. He knew not to back me into a corner. This doesn't mean we didn't have some pretty "spirited discussions" -- a.k.a. "fights." But, in the end, my dad would look at me calmly and say, "Well, it's your life. Do what you want." Then, most of the time, whatever common sense I did possess would kick in and I would realize that I didn't want to do whatever that lame-ass thing was that I had been so vehemently demanding to do a few minutes before. Why didn't I want to do it? Because there was no more contest of wills going on. I didn't have to do that lame-ass thing in order to prove to my father that I couldn't be forced into things, by him or anyone else.
And that brings me back to the idea of just watching TV shows and movies with my kids with no commentary, simply with the goal of enjoying (or, perhaps, being shocked or terrified by) a story. Especially if it is a television program or movie of their choosing. I'm not going to turn this form of entertainment into an opportunity for rebellion. I am, rather, going to use it as an opportunity for bonding. After all, having a good time together watching Sammy and Ben run around is one ingredient that can lead to a very positive mother-daughter relationship. At least, in my experience. SouthLAnd. Forever. ;-)
Disclaimer: I am assuming, of course, that your kids aren't bringing home "films" from the Adult Store. That is a whole different issue.
I tend to get along pretty well with my kids. Sometimes, they think I am too strict. Sometimes, I think they are too strict. Don't go thinking that they don't get on me about stuff. Like, for instance, my cage dancing fantasy.
But, anyway.
When I spoke about watching "The O.C." with my children, I related how I used the characters and happenings in the show as "teachable moments." We would discuss issues the show presented and how the characters handled various situations they encountered. I hoped that these discussions would help my kids to become a little wiser about the ways of the world.
As I thought more about my blog post, I realized I kind of made it sound like I'm always and everywhere trying to teach my kids valuable lessons when we watch TV and movies. Frankly, if that were the case, I don't think my kids would want to watch ANYTHING with me, at all. I would just be a ball and chain around their entertainment-loving young selves.
So, I guess, most of the time, I just sit with my kids and we enjoy television shows and movies together. No comments, no judging, no discussion. Just fun and genuine, spur-of-the-moment reactions to the stories being told. Maybe some snacks thrown in. I mean, after all, my kids are older now. If they don't know the values I wanted them to grow up with by this time, I have pretty much failed. Although, I also took this more silent approach -- at least most of the time -- when they were teenagers. And I think it has value.
Why do I think it has value?
People are a generally rebellious lot. We don't like to get told what to do so very much. We like to make up our own minds. And, frankly, most kids know what their parents' opinions are by the time they are teenagers. That's why, when you see them rebelling, they are doing the opposite of what their parents would suggest. They have obviously figured out their parents way of thinking. And they are testing that way of thinking.
As you may know by now (ha-ha), I am a rather rebellious person. But -- and this may surprise you -- I never engaged in any so-called "high-risk" behaviors as a teen or young adult. Why? Certainly not because of my own common sense. I attribute this to my parents -- especially my dad -- who knew how to tread gently. He knew not to back me into a corner. This doesn't mean we didn't have some pretty "spirited discussions" -- a.k.a. "fights." But, in the end, my dad would look at me calmly and say, "Well, it's your life. Do what you want." Then, most of the time, whatever common sense I did possess would kick in and I would realize that I didn't want to do whatever that lame-ass thing was that I had been so vehemently demanding to do a few minutes before. Why didn't I want to do it? Because there was no more contest of wills going on. I didn't have to do that lame-ass thing in order to prove to my father that I couldn't be forced into things, by him or anyone else.
And that brings me back to the idea of just watching TV shows and movies with my kids with no commentary, simply with the goal of enjoying (or, perhaps, being shocked or terrified by) a story. Especially if it is a television program or movie of their choosing. I'm not going to turn this form of entertainment into an opportunity for rebellion. I am, rather, going to use it as an opportunity for bonding. After all, having a good time together watching Sammy and Ben run around is one ingredient that can lead to a very positive mother-daughter relationship. At least, in my experience. SouthLAnd. Forever. ;-)
Disclaimer: I am assuming, of course, that your kids aren't bringing home "films" from the Adult Store. That is a whole different issue.
Wednesday, August 21, 2013
Young People And Sexual Issues
Today, a very lovely young woman posted an article to Facebook. It dealt with the topic of Christian young people and the sexual issues they face -- regarding such things as sexual development, sexual identity, sexual activity, and pornography. The article encouraged parents not to be fools, not to be in denial about the possibility of their own kids struggling in these areas.
There are times when I think that Catholic/Christian young people have it harder than more secular young people when it comes to growing up and dealing with issues of sexuality. After all, if you are a Catholic/Christian teen or young adult, and you are going to church and are active in church-organized youth activities, it is expected that you are "holy" and "wholesome." People often assume that you aren't sexually active in any way, shape, or form. And you can be ashamed if you realize that you aren't meeting these often unfair and, possibly, unreasonably high expectations. This shame will most likely cause you to not communicate about these issues honestly with your parents, for example. So, it is the parents' job to be aware of the fact that their kids are sexual beings, in the midst of becoming sexual adults, and they might need an ear, some understanding, and some help.
And I don't mean by this that if you catch your kid masturbating that you should drag him (or her) off to Confession and never let him (or her) close his (or her) bedroom door again, figuring that you have solved the problem.
Okay. Now a bunch of you are probably mad at me. I don't mean to belittle the proper use of Confession. Confession -- especially with the help of a kind, understanding, and wise priest (like Father Cornelius Buckley) -- is a comforting and wonderful thing. But, I have seen -- at least at times -- Catholics and other Christians oversimplifying the whole issue of sexual development in young people. It's not that I feel that I'm all-wise and all-knowing in this area. But, these are just some of the things I have figured out along the way, starting from my experiences as the tutor for the Human Sexuality class in college and continuing on through my experiences as a young single woman, a young married woman, a mom, an older married woman, and a friend of people who are single/married/straight/gay/etc. I am not speaking for the Church here. These are only my opinions and what has worked for me. Take it or leave it, as you will.
First of all, I have seen a movement in certain Catholic/Christian circles that basically attempts to ban all possibility of "errant" sexual activity amongst young people by not allowing any dating until it is for the sole purpose of marriage -- and then calling it courting, with a bunch of strict rules in place. This movement also discourages most (if not all) physical affection between "courting" couples. (Some young people are even encouraged to refrain from kissing until their wedding day. Frankly, if I had to go from not even kissing a guy to full-on sexual intercourse in one day, I would have been totally freaked out and overwhelmed. But, that's just me.) Some religious groups are also telling young women that they must be totally chaste -- in mind, body, and spirit -- in all of their relationships with young men, telling them that they are the sexual standard-bearers of society. These young ladies are given the message that they are failing if they think of men in a sexual way, thus perhaps tempting these poor, weak guys who aren't expected to have any sexual self-control of their own. Until, of course, these young women get married. Then they are expected to figure out how to chastely satisfy the sexual needs of their husbands. I have read articles by some of the young women who have been raised in this manner -- women who love God very much and who want to be good Christians -- and they explain how this, essentially, "screwed them up."
Now a bunch more of you are probably mad at me. That's cool. Also, I admit, there are happy young people who have been raised in this very strict way. I am also not trying to say -- in any way, shape, or form -- that young people should be encouraged or allowed to just "have at it" with each others' bodies. And that is another extreme which some schools of thought seem to favor.
So, what do I actually think is helpful to young people who are trying to become mature adults -- sexually, as well as in all other ways?
I think it is our responsibility, as parents, to help our kids create well-rounded and satisfying lives, beginning in early childhood. How can we help our kids succeed academically, develop their areas of interest (such as athletics or the arts), and have happy social lives? How can we make our homes and families places where our kids feel loved, supported, and nurtured? If we pay attention to these things, it will probably help to forestall many potential problems our kids might face -- not only in the area of sexuality, but in other areas, as well.
I think we must also accept that a certain amount of sexual curiosity and exploration are normal for teenagers and young adults. My friend and I used to find and read all the "sexy parts" in our moms' "bodice-ripper novels." My sister and her friends found somebody's hidden stash of "Playboy" magazines and looked through them. None of us went on to develop a pornography addiction. Why? Because when we told our mothers about our little "discoveries," they did not over-react. They reacted calmly, with good humor. They also gave us good examples of how to be as women by how they actually behaved as wives and in their relationships with men. In short, they helped us keep these things in perspective. I suppose one of the thing my own mother did which I found especially helpful was how she talked to us about the sex in movies, TV, and books. Because, frankly, as much as some people protest, these things aren't going to go away. My mother made it a point to talk to us about "real-life" sex, and how it compared to and contrasted with the sex onscreen and in print. She gave us a view of sex which was real, without coming down on us for having normal, girlish imaginations.
And what if you do happen to catch your teenager in some sexual situation to which you object? First of all, stay calm. If you lose it, you'll probably just make things worse. Give your child the time and space to disengage himself from the activity with dignity. Before talking to your child, ask yourself, "Is this activity within the realm of normal sexual development for a person of this age group?" After asking yourself this question, speak with your teen. But, don't humiliate your child. Treat him or her with dignity and understanding. And -- this is just my opinion -- do not, under any circumstances, scare your child with threats of going to hell. Hell is a pretty serious thing, reserved for those who commit grievous actions with full knowledge and consent. Teenagers and young adults have a lot of stuff going on developmentally, so even if you believe what your kid was doing was a big sin, there is a good possibility that the conditions for full culpability did not exist. And, in any case, I have not usually found threats of hell all that effective in the raising of kids. I have never done it myself, but I have seen it done, often with poor outcomes. A quiet manner, a listening ear, and an understanding heart are usually much more helpful.
I know this has been very rambling and long. If you have stuck it out, I appreciate your time. If I lost you along the way, that is perfectly understandable. Again, these are just my thoughts. I don't claim to be any kind of font of wisdom. Pax.
There are times when I think that Catholic/Christian young people have it harder than more secular young people when it comes to growing up and dealing with issues of sexuality. After all, if you are a Catholic/Christian teen or young adult, and you are going to church and are active in church-organized youth activities, it is expected that you are "holy" and "wholesome." People often assume that you aren't sexually active in any way, shape, or form. And you can be ashamed if you realize that you aren't meeting these often unfair and, possibly, unreasonably high expectations. This shame will most likely cause you to not communicate about these issues honestly with your parents, for example. So, it is the parents' job to be aware of the fact that their kids are sexual beings, in the midst of becoming sexual adults, and they might need an ear, some understanding, and some help.
And I don't mean by this that if you catch your kid masturbating that you should drag him (or her) off to Confession and never let him (or her) close his (or her) bedroom door again, figuring that you have solved the problem.
Okay. Now a bunch of you are probably mad at me. I don't mean to belittle the proper use of Confession. Confession -- especially with the help of a kind, understanding, and wise priest (like Father Cornelius Buckley) -- is a comforting and wonderful thing. But, I have seen -- at least at times -- Catholics and other Christians oversimplifying the whole issue of sexual development in young people. It's not that I feel that I'm all-wise and all-knowing in this area. But, these are just some of the things I have figured out along the way, starting from my experiences as the tutor for the Human Sexuality class in college and continuing on through my experiences as a young single woman, a young married woman, a mom, an older married woman, and a friend of people who are single/married/straight/gay/etc. I am not speaking for the Church here. These are only my opinions and what has worked for me. Take it or leave it, as you will.
First of all, I have seen a movement in certain Catholic/Christian circles that basically attempts to ban all possibility of "errant" sexual activity amongst young people by not allowing any dating until it is for the sole purpose of marriage -- and then calling it courting, with a bunch of strict rules in place. This movement also discourages most (if not all) physical affection between "courting" couples. (Some young people are even encouraged to refrain from kissing until their wedding day. Frankly, if I had to go from not even kissing a guy to full-on sexual intercourse in one day, I would have been totally freaked out and overwhelmed. But, that's just me.) Some religious groups are also telling young women that they must be totally chaste -- in mind, body, and spirit -- in all of their relationships with young men, telling them that they are the sexual standard-bearers of society. These young ladies are given the message that they are failing if they think of men in a sexual way, thus perhaps tempting these poor, weak guys who aren't expected to have any sexual self-control of their own. Until, of course, these young women get married. Then they are expected to figure out how to chastely satisfy the sexual needs of their husbands. I have read articles by some of the young women who have been raised in this manner -- women who love God very much and who want to be good Christians -- and they explain how this, essentially, "screwed them up."
Now a bunch more of you are probably mad at me. That's cool. Also, I admit, there are happy young people who have been raised in this very strict way. I am also not trying to say -- in any way, shape, or form -- that young people should be encouraged or allowed to just "have at it" with each others' bodies. And that is another extreme which some schools of thought seem to favor.
So, what do I actually think is helpful to young people who are trying to become mature adults -- sexually, as well as in all other ways?
I think it is our responsibility, as parents, to help our kids create well-rounded and satisfying lives, beginning in early childhood. How can we help our kids succeed academically, develop their areas of interest (such as athletics or the arts), and have happy social lives? How can we make our homes and families places where our kids feel loved, supported, and nurtured? If we pay attention to these things, it will probably help to forestall many potential problems our kids might face -- not only in the area of sexuality, but in other areas, as well.
I think we must also accept that a certain amount of sexual curiosity and exploration are normal for teenagers and young adults. My friend and I used to find and read all the "sexy parts" in our moms' "bodice-ripper novels." My sister and her friends found somebody's hidden stash of "Playboy" magazines and looked through them. None of us went on to develop a pornography addiction. Why? Because when we told our mothers about our little "discoveries," they did not over-react. They reacted calmly, with good humor. They also gave us good examples of how to be as women by how they actually behaved as wives and in their relationships with men. In short, they helped us keep these things in perspective. I suppose one of the thing my own mother did which I found especially helpful was how she talked to us about the sex in movies, TV, and books. Because, frankly, as much as some people protest, these things aren't going to go away. My mother made it a point to talk to us about "real-life" sex, and how it compared to and contrasted with the sex onscreen and in print. She gave us a view of sex which was real, without coming down on us for having normal, girlish imaginations.
And what if you do happen to catch your teenager in some sexual situation to which you object? First of all, stay calm. If you lose it, you'll probably just make things worse. Give your child the time and space to disengage himself from the activity with dignity. Before talking to your child, ask yourself, "Is this activity within the realm of normal sexual development for a person of this age group?" After asking yourself this question, speak with your teen. But, don't humiliate your child. Treat him or her with dignity and understanding. And -- this is just my opinion -- do not, under any circumstances, scare your child with threats of going to hell. Hell is a pretty serious thing, reserved for those who commit grievous actions with full knowledge and consent. Teenagers and young adults have a lot of stuff going on developmentally, so even if you believe what your kid was doing was a big sin, there is a good possibility that the conditions for full culpability did not exist. And, in any case, I have not usually found threats of hell all that effective in the raising of kids. I have never done it myself, but I have seen it done, often with poor outcomes. A quiet manner, a listening ear, and an understanding heart are usually much more helpful.
I know this has been very rambling and long. If you have stuck it out, I appreciate your time. If I lost you along the way, that is perfectly understandable. Again, these are just my thoughts. I don't claim to be any kind of font of wisdom. Pax.
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
But on the other hand....
....you've got to know when to draw the line.
Yesterday, I spoke of empathizing with young adults. Being our "young selves" in order to see things through their eyes -- making it easier to both enjoy them and guide them along.
There are times, though, when we probably should just put our foot down. These times are, hopefully, rare. But, they can and do present themselves.
Here is a story from my own life that may demonstrate what I mean by this.
I was engaged to be married when I was 21 years old. But, as the date for the wedding approached, the situation with my fiance became, shall we say, "problematic." I am not going to go into all the details here. It is really not necessary to do this. Let's just say he was not entirely forthcoming about everything, and my mother was the one who figured it all out. My mother is a clever and persistent person. Those of you who know her can attest to this.
So, when my mother figured out what was going on with this guy, she basically cornered him, me, and a few other friends and relatives who were in the immediate vicinity. She looked him in the eye and boldly announced what she had deduced about his situation. Then she looked me in the eye and said, "You can't marry him."
Now, a lot of mothers would not have done this. A lot of mothers would have figured that I was an "adult," that I should be left to make the decision without any interference. A lot of mothers also would have considered the facts (at least somewhat) that the nuptials were in exactly one week's time, all the arrangements for the celebration had been made, and guests were due to come flying in within the next few days. Did my mother consider these wedding logistics? Did she consider the money she was probably going to lose (and she did not have much of the green stuff at that time)? Not in the least... My mother put my welfare first. She believed that if I married this guy, I would screw up my life. And she was right. And she was strong enough to put her foot down to me -- in the face of my heartbreak, my anger, and my 21-year-old "adult" status.
Now, my mother was taking a big gamble here. I really loved this guy, and I was quite old enough to run off with him. And I did consider this. But, in the end, I knew she was right. I knew it in my very bones.
About a year later, I met the man who is now my husband. He is, and always has been, quite popular with my mother. When she first met him, she told me that he "has good skin and teeth." These two things are quite important to my mother. But, more importantly, she recognized his maturity and excellent character. And he has been a wonderful husband and daddy. I could not be more fortunate.
And why did my mother's bold move work out? Why did I listen and follow her advice, although 95% of me did not want to? I think it was because of what I reflected on in yesterday's blog post. Most of the time, she was pretty hands-off, leaving me to make my own decisions. Therefore, she had some rounds chambered, which she had available to her at a critical moment. Doesn't the Bible say it? "Parents, don't nag your children, lest they lose heart." And if we follow this sage advice, maybe our children -- however old they are -- will hear us when everything is truly on the line.
Yesterday, I spoke of empathizing with young adults. Being our "young selves" in order to see things through their eyes -- making it easier to both enjoy them and guide them along.
There are times, though, when we probably should just put our foot down. These times are, hopefully, rare. But, they can and do present themselves.
Here is a story from my own life that may demonstrate what I mean by this.
I was engaged to be married when I was 21 years old. But, as the date for the wedding approached, the situation with my fiance became, shall we say, "problematic." I am not going to go into all the details here. It is really not necessary to do this. Let's just say he was not entirely forthcoming about everything, and my mother was the one who figured it all out. My mother is a clever and persistent person. Those of you who know her can attest to this.
So, when my mother figured out what was going on with this guy, she basically cornered him, me, and a few other friends and relatives who were in the immediate vicinity. She looked him in the eye and boldly announced what she had deduced about his situation. Then she looked me in the eye and said, "You can't marry him."
Now, a lot of mothers would not have done this. A lot of mothers would have figured that I was an "adult," that I should be left to make the decision without any interference. A lot of mothers also would have considered the facts (at least somewhat) that the nuptials were in exactly one week's time, all the arrangements for the celebration had been made, and guests were due to come flying in within the next few days. Did my mother consider these wedding logistics? Did she consider the money she was probably going to lose (and she did not have much of the green stuff at that time)? Not in the least... My mother put my welfare first. She believed that if I married this guy, I would screw up my life. And she was right. And she was strong enough to put her foot down to me -- in the face of my heartbreak, my anger, and my 21-year-old "adult" status.
Now, my mother was taking a big gamble here. I really loved this guy, and I was quite old enough to run off with him. And I did consider this. But, in the end, I knew she was right. I knew it in my very bones.
About a year later, I met the man who is now my husband. He is, and always has been, quite popular with my mother. When she first met him, she told me that he "has good skin and teeth." These two things are quite important to my mother. But, more importantly, she recognized his maturity and excellent character. And he has been a wonderful husband and daddy. I could not be more fortunate.
And why did my mother's bold move work out? Why did I listen and follow her advice, although 95% of me did not want to? I think it was because of what I reflected on in yesterday's blog post. Most of the time, she was pretty hands-off, leaving me to make my own decisions. Therefore, she had some rounds chambered, which she had available to her at a critical moment. Doesn't the Bible say it? "Parents, don't nag your children, lest they lose heart." And if we follow this sage advice, maybe our children -- however old they are -- will hear us when everything is truly on the line.
Monday, September 24, 2012
Being Young With The Young
"....a child's deep longing to know that they are known, that the old were once young, once saw the world large, that for that one evening hour, a story bridge spans the wide river of decades and for a spell, we are one, children together." -- Ann Voskamp
I love Ann Voskamp -- blogger, author, farmer's wife, mother of many. And these words of hers, which I read today, really made me reflect on motherhood, on fatherhood, on what helps our children grow into good adults. Now these words are part of a larger article, in which she speaks of how much her children enjoy hearing the stories of her own childhood, and how it is so important for our children to understand how we relate to them, how we remember, how we understand because we have been in their shoes.
When we think of how to be good parents, many things come to mind. There is so much to be provided for -- physically, mentally, spiritually. And we want to be good examples to our children, we want to teach them right from wrong, we want to keep them out of trouble, we want them to have bright futures. All very good things; but, sometimes, it is hard to know how to do this. And there are points, as our children get older, when we might not like what we see. And when we don't like what we see, we might feel sad, angry, despairing. We might yell or preach or punish. And we hope we will be successful in our efforts to correct what we think needs correcting.
But, Ann Voskamp reminds me of something that, in my opinion, might be the most important thing in helping our children "turn out" well. And that is -- letting them know, as each and every year goes by, that we can see things through their eyes and feel things through their hearts because we have been there. We should let them know how we have been there. We should tell them our stories. And we can also "be there" with them in the present tense. We can share their experiences with them by allowing ourselves to "be" in our youthful minds and hearts. If we allow ourselves to be our "young selves," we can more authentically understand them. And if we truly understand them, maybe we can guide them in a way that doesn't make them feel quite so much like we are obstacles in the way of their freedom.
How do we do this? Here are a couple of my ideas -- for whatever they're worth.
TV shows. These can often be a bone of contention between parents and children, especially as the children start to get older and aren't really "children" anymore. There might be themes in popular TV shows that young adults like to watch which are problematic for some parents -- sexual situations, LGBT issues, violence, story lines that question our political system or traditional family values. I am speaking of such shows as "Glee," "Modern Family," "The O.C.," "Angel," "Bones," and "SouthLAnd." The characters and plot-lines in these shows do, at times, "push the envelope" a bit. So, what are we parents to do? My favorite approach is to watch the shows with my kids and -- while not totally losing my adult persona in a way which would be undignified -- to see them through young eyes, to see them as a young adult would see them. Now, I admit, this is not hard for me. I am not easily offended by "Hollywood" and I really do enjoy a lot of these shows. Actually, I enjoy "SouthLAnd" MUCH more than my kids do. But, the benefit I have found in this approach is that my kids will actually talk to me about what they like and dislike about these shows. If they see that I am not offended by the characters and stories, if they see that I am actually enjoying and appreciating them, they will share with me what they enjoy and appreciate, how they are touched by these works. This helps me understand them a little more; it helps me to be more empathetic. And if I feel a little guidance is called for, our discussion doesn't become a battle, because they know that they are free, when all is said and done, to have and express their own ideas. At least, this is my goal. Things aren't always so easy, but this is what I work toward. I want them to know that they are free to make their own choices; but, I hope that they are at least willing to entertain some of my opinions, knowing that I want their happiness. And it is just simply a lot of fun to enjoy watching a TV show with my kids, without having them worry about me judging it, or judging them for liking it. They see me just being a person, rather than an "authority figure" -- and this can go a long way in helping my relationship with them be a positive one.
Now, onto something a bit more difficult -- Young Love And Relationships. I am 49. I have seen and experienced a lot, in terms of love and relationships. I have seen many young (and not-so-young) people be hurt by being with the "wrong" person, by being in the "wrong" relationship, by reacting the "wrong" way in a romantic situation. I myself have been hurt by these things. So, when I see my young adult kids begin to wade into these waters, I sometimes have the overwhelming urge, because of my "great maturity" (ha-ha) to turn myself into a "life preserver." And they really do not appreciate this too much. And I don't blame them. So, again, I try to reside in my youthful heart. I try to see things through my youthful eyes. Because my youthful heart and my youthful eyes are not dead. They might be buried under a lot of debris, but they are not dead. And when I let my youthful self live and breathe again, I remember that I wanted my own parents to respect my need for independence in the area of romantic relationships. And I remember that I survived my bad experiences. I survived my heartbreaks. And it is in the experiencing and surviving that I earned whatever maturity and understanding I now possess. So, maybe I need to let my kids have their own experiences, while showing them that I trust that they, too, will survive -- and flourish, even. If I protect them too much, maybe I am just communicating a lack of trust in their judgment and resilience. Definitely not what they need. So, perhaps, remembering my own youth, I need to step back a little and just make sure that I am ready with a listening ear and a good supply of chocolate in the cupboard.
It is hard to be a young adult. It is hard to be the parent of a young adult -- to know when and how much to hold on, when and how much to let go. An art, definitely. When we see our kids hurting, we want to fix it. When we see them making mistakes, we want to stop them. When they tell us their "wrong" opinions, we want to make corrections. So, as I reflect on this, as I reflect on my own reactions to my own kids, the more I am drawn to remembering my own young adult self, to letting that young adult self live again -- and allowing her to be with, listen to, and speak with those kids a little bit.
I love Ann Voskamp -- blogger, author, farmer's wife, mother of many. And these words of hers, which I read today, really made me reflect on motherhood, on fatherhood, on what helps our children grow into good adults. Now these words are part of a larger article, in which she speaks of how much her children enjoy hearing the stories of her own childhood, and how it is so important for our children to understand how we relate to them, how we remember, how we understand because we have been in their shoes.
When we think of how to be good parents, many things come to mind. There is so much to be provided for -- physically, mentally, spiritually. And we want to be good examples to our children, we want to teach them right from wrong, we want to keep them out of trouble, we want them to have bright futures. All very good things; but, sometimes, it is hard to know how to do this. And there are points, as our children get older, when we might not like what we see. And when we don't like what we see, we might feel sad, angry, despairing. We might yell or preach or punish. And we hope we will be successful in our efforts to correct what we think needs correcting.
But, Ann Voskamp reminds me of something that, in my opinion, might be the most important thing in helping our children "turn out" well. And that is -- letting them know, as each and every year goes by, that we can see things through their eyes and feel things through their hearts because we have been there. We should let them know how we have been there. We should tell them our stories. And we can also "be there" with them in the present tense. We can share their experiences with them by allowing ourselves to "be" in our youthful minds and hearts. If we allow ourselves to be our "young selves," we can more authentically understand them. And if we truly understand them, maybe we can guide them in a way that doesn't make them feel quite so much like we are obstacles in the way of their freedom.
How do we do this? Here are a couple of my ideas -- for whatever they're worth.
TV shows. These can often be a bone of contention between parents and children, especially as the children start to get older and aren't really "children" anymore. There might be themes in popular TV shows that young adults like to watch which are problematic for some parents -- sexual situations, LGBT issues, violence, story lines that question our political system or traditional family values. I am speaking of such shows as "Glee," "Modern Family," "The O.C.," "Angel," "Bones," and "SouthLAnd." The characters and plot-lines in these shows do, at times, "push the envelope" a bit. So, what are we parents to do? My favorite approach is to watch the shows with my kids and -- while not totally losing my adult persona in a way which would be undignified -- to see them through young eyes, to see them as a young adult would see them. Now, I admit, this is not hard for me. I am not easily offended by "Hollywood" and I really do enjoy a lot of these shows. Actually, I enjoy "SouthLAnd" MUCH more than my kids do. But, the benefit I have found in this approach is that my kids will actually talk to me about what they like and dislike about these shows. If they see that I am not offended by the characters and stories, if they see that I am actually enjoying and appreciating them, they will share with me what they enjoy and appreciate, how they are touched by these works. This helps me understand them a little more; it helps me to be more empathetic. And if I feel a little guidance is called for, our discussion doesn't become a battle, because they know that they are free, when all is said and done, to have and express their own ideas. At least, this is my goal. Things aren't always so easy, but this is what I work toward. I want them to know that they are free to make their own choices; but, I hope that they are at least willing to entertain some of my opinions, knowing that I want their happiness. And it is just simply a lot of fun to enjoy watching a TV show with my kids, without having them worry about me judging it, or judging them for liking it. They see me just being a person, rather than an "authority figure" -- and this can go a long way in helping my relationship with them be a positive one.
Now, onto something a bit more difficult -- Young Love And Relationships. I am 49. I have seen and experienced a lot, in terms of love and relationships. I have seen many young (and not-so-young) people be hurt by being with the "wrong" person, by being in the "wrong" relationship, by reacting the "wrong" way in a romantic situation. I myself have been hurt by these things. So, when I see my young adult kids begin to wade into these waters, I sometimes have the overwhelming urge, because of my "great maturity" (ha-ha) to turn myself into a "life preserver." And they really do not appreciate this too much. And I don't blame them. So, again, I try to reside in my youthful heart. I try to see things through my youthful eyes. Because my youthful heart and my youthful eyes are not dead. They might be buried under a lot of debris, but they are not dead. And when I let my youthful self live and breathe again, I remember that I wanted my own parents to respect my need for independence in the area of romantic relationships. And I remember that I survived my bad experiences. I survived my heartbreaks. And it is in the experiencing and surviving that I earned whatever maturity and understanding I now possess. So, maybe I need to let my kids have their own experiences, while showing them that I trust that they, too, will survive -- and flourish, even. If I protect them too much, maybe I am just communicating a lack of trust in their judgment and resilience. Definitely not what they need. So, perhaps, remembering my own youth, I need to step back a little and just make sure that I am ready with a listening ear and a good supply of chocolate in the cupboard.
It is hard to be a young adult. It is hard to be the parent of a young adult -- to know when and how much to hold on, when and how much to let go. An art, definitely. When we see our kids hurting, we want to fix it. When we see them making mistakes, we want to stop them. When they tell us their "wrong" opinions, we want to make corrections. So, as I reflect on this, as I reflect on my own reactions to my own kids, the more I am drawn to remembering my own young adult self, to letting that young adult self live again -- and allowing her to be with, listen to, and speak with those kids a little bit.
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