Yesterday, I used "The O.C." as an example of how I watch TV with my kids, who are now 24 (almost 25), 23, and 21 years old. The older two are girls. The youngest is a boy.
I tend to get along pretty well with my kids. Sometimes, they think I am too strict. Sometimes, I think they are too strict. Don't go thinking that they don't get on me about stuff. Like, for instance, my cage dancing fantasy.
But, anyway.
When I spoke about watching "The O.C." with my children, I related how I used the characters and happenings in the show as "teachable moments." We would discuss issues the show presented and how the characters handled various situations they encountered. I hoped that these discussions would help my kids to become a little wiser about the ways of the world.
As I thought more about my blog post, I realized I kind of made it sound like I'm always and everywhere trying to teach my kids valuable lessons when we watch TV and movies. Frankly, if that were the case, I don't think my kids would want to watch ANYTHING with me, at all. I would just be a ball and chain around their entertainment-loving young selves.
So, I guess, most of the time, I just sit with my kids and we enjoy television shows and movies together. No comments, no judging, no discussion. Just fun and genuine, spur-of-the-moment reactions to the stories being told. Maybe some snacks thrown in. I mean, after all, my kids are older now. If they don't know the values I wanted them to grow up with by this time, I have pretty much failed. Although, I also took this more silent approach -- at least most of the time -- when they were teenagers. And I think it has value.
Why do I think it has value?
People are a generally rebellious lot. We don't like to get told what to do so very much. We like to make up our own minds. And, frankly, most kids know what their parents' opinions are by the time they are teenagers. That's why, when you see them rebelling, they are doing the opposite of what their parents would suggest. They have obviously figured out their parents way of thinking. And they are testing that way of thinking.
As you may know by now (ha-ha), I am a rather rebellious person. But -- and this may surprise you -- I never engaged in any so-called "high-risk" behaviors as a teen or young adult. Why? Certainly not because of my own common sense. I attribute this to my parents -- especially my dad -- who knew how to tread gently. He knew not to back me into a corner. This doesn't mean we didn't have some pretty "spirited discussions" -- a.k.a. "fights." But, in the end, my dad would look at me calmly and say, "Well, it's your life. Do what you want." Then, most of the time, whatever common sense I did possess would kick in and I would realize that I didn't want to do whatever that lame-ass thing was that I had been so vehemently demanding to do a few minutes before. Why didn't I want to do it? Because there was no more contest of wills going on. I didn't have to do that lame-ass thing in order to prove to my father that I couldn't be forced into things, by him or anyone else.
And that brings me back to the idea of just watching TV shows and movies with my kids with no commentary, simply with the goal of enjoying (or, perhaps, being shocked or terrified by) a story. Especially if it is a television program or movie of their choosing. I'm not going to turn this form of entertainment into an opportunity for rebellion. I am, rather, going to use it as an opportunity for bonding. After all, having a good time together watching Sammy and Ben run around is one ingredient that can lead to a very positive mother-daughter relationship. At least, in my experience. SouthLAnd. Forever. ;-)
Disclaimer: I am assuming, of course, that your kids aren't bringing home "films" from the Adult Store. That is a whole different issue.
Showing posts with label teens. Show all posts
Showing posts with label teens. Show all posts
Thursday, August 22, 2013
Thursday, July 11, 2013
The Having Of Teenagers -- Part 2
I know my last post on this topic of having teenagers was a bit rambling, but I just had to figure out a way to tell and comment on that story about the kid and his coffee cake wishes.
This post will probably be a bit briefer and more to the point. Maybe.
First of all, people living with other people is always problematic. Because people are problematic. There are times when I think it would be lovely to have my own studio apartment with a murphy bed and shiny hardwood floors. There would be nothing in it except the bare essentials and my Mac. And I think we all wish this sort of thing from time to time. Do we actually want it to happen? Nah. It's just that people living with people has its stresses, as well as its rewards, no matter how much you love each other.
And so it is if you have teenagers. It's going to get stressful. But, it can also be a lot of fun.
How can we make it fun?
It starts when they're little, as I said before. Have fun together, enjoy life together, but make it clear that you are in charge. If you say something, it goes. It doesn't have to be a fight. You can be friendly about it.
For example, if you are in the park and it's time to go home:
Mom: You have five more minutes to do what you want to do and then it's time to go home.
*Five Minutes Pass (Or ten. When they are three, they really have no idea.)*
Mom: (in a friendly, yet firm, voice) We are leaving now.
Children: (whining) Can't we stay just five more minutes!?!?!? Pleeeeease!?!?!?
Mom: (calmly walking over, picking up the youngest child, fully expecting the others to follow) We are leaving now.
If you do this, each and every time, it will work. I think. You just have to be consistent. And calm. And firm.
And if you start this with your toddlers and your pre-schoolers, things will probably progress rather smoothly as your children head toward adolescence.
Then, one day, your adolescent child (especially if said child is a girl) will roll her eyes at you when you ask her to do something quite reasonable. Do not lose your temper. Just smile mischievously and take her picture with your iPhone. I actually did this (though not with an iPhone, as they weren't invented yet) and my daughter started to laugh. Calmly re-assert what you want your child to do and expect that she will do it. Of course, before you make your request, you have to take your child's personality and state-of-mind and mood into consideration. Don't set yourself up for failure. Set yourself up for success. It is best to make requests of your child when she is not feeling exhausted and overwhelmed with life. Because -- let's face it -- teens these days do have a lot of pressure. One mother told me that her child was told to take the SAT at least three times and to fill out a minimum of ten college applications. No wonder so many of them are on anti-depressants (the moms and the teens). So, start by making small, reasonable requests when your child is in a good mood and not in the middle of a term paper. That way, she will get used to cooperating with you in a pleasant way.
In this vein, do not ever fight with your teenagers. Don't get into shouting matches. Don't threaten. Just don't do it. You will lose. Every time. They have way more energy than you do. They can come up with clever plans to get around you. They have friends who will collude with them against you. Even if they are homeschooled.
How to not fight?
Firstly, listen to your teen without judging. Kids like to tell you things, even when they are teens and young adults, if you don't judge them and what they're saying. So, if your teen is telling you her opinion that short hair on guys is better than long hair on guys -- which is a totally screwed up opinion, in my opinion -- it is best just to listen. Or if your son is telling you that if he doesn't get into college, he has figured out a way to live independently on minimum wage, just hear him out. My husband once said to me something like this, "The kids tell you all kinds of crazy things, and you don't say anything." "Well," I replied, "they will eventually figure out most of these things for themselves."
Does this mean you should never say anything? Of course not. My Bridget and I have had many discussions about the hair of Thor versus the hair of Captain America. But, this is the thing. You have to gauge the state-of-mind of your child when she starts talking. Is it time to have a mutual discussion or to just be a listening ear? If in doubt, go with the listening ear.
Secondly, do not micromanage your teens. Nobody likes to be micromanaged. Keep your expectations simple and basic, such as: have good personal hygiene, pass your classes, speak politely to your parents and siblings, don't date douche-bags, no sex, no illegal drugs, drive in a legal manner. Keep your requests reasonable, too. For example, I have always thought a strict curfew was lame. But, on the other hand, I had to know where my kids were going, with whom, and by when they would be home. The time I expected them to arrive home depended on the activity. And I expected them to call if their plans changed or they were going to be late. And if they gave me a bad time about these reasonable things, I would calmly explain how they were reasonable things and what could happen if they did not do them. These kinds of discussions evolved over time -- starting from when they were in grade school -- so, my expectations were no big shock when they became teenagers. (Confession: Even now, even though they are in their 20's, these rules still apply. They will apply until my kids get places of their own. Because I cannot sleep if I don't know where they are. I start imagining them being kidnapped. Yes, this is idiotic. But, it's the way it is and the price for living at home with a mother who gets slightly anxious even though she tries not to. Did I say "slightly?" My kids would probably laugh at my use of that word. They are patient with me, though. Most of the time, anyway.)
Thirdly, and probably most important, enjoy your teens and let them see that you are a "cool" person. By "cool," I don't mean that you have to take Metal Class on Mondays (like Chris Bruno) -- although that is very cool. You don't have to act like a teen yourself, because -- frankly -- that will just embarrass your teens. But, be the kind of parent whose teenagers will enjoy having their friends over to your house. My kids have lots of parties with their friends at my house -- even though they aren't teens, anymore. And their friends seem to enjoy coming over here. Probably because we let them drink beer (now that they are of age). We even buy their friends beer sometimes. And, sometimes, their friends buy the beer. They even let my husband and I attend the parties and have some beer, too. Let me say, though, that nobody -- EVER -- gets drunk. That would quickly end the parties, and my kids know it.
I guess I have digressed a bit -- in talking about beer parties -- from the topic of teenagers. For whom you should never, ever buy beer.
And while we are on the topic of enjoying your teens -- now that I am done digressing -- maybe it is worth it to discuss the issue of TV and movies. These things often cause conflict among parents and teens. For example, Mom might want to watch "Magic Mike" and her kids might think it is inappropriate. Well, Mom, it is time to assert your parental authority here. Or Mom might want to watch "SouthLAnd" and her kids might think it is too violent. Again, time to assert the parental authority, and -- if your teen is female -- point out the hotness of Ben McKenzie, thus luring her in and making her your "SouthLAnd" buddy. My point being? If you don't act all judgmental about your kids' TV shows and movies, they won't act all judgmental about yours. And if you want your kids to watch your stuff with you, it is important that you watch their stuff with them. And then talk about their stuff with them in a friendly, non-threatening way. Here are some possible discussion questions that you can use when discussing TV shows and movies with your kids:
1. How come the Rules For Being A Vampire are different in each vampire show?
2. How come it is taking Charlie so damn long to propose to Amita?
3. How come some actors don't mind showing us their bums and some do?
4. Do you think this role is more or less likely to cause the paparazzi to show up at Shawn Hatosy's house?
5. How do you like the way the abortion issue is handled by the writers of "The O.C."?
6. How many sexually transmitted diseases do you suppose Ben Sherman has?
7. When did Neil Patrick Harris suddenly become hot?
8. Who is Channing Tatum?
9. What do you suppose would happen if you spent hours upon hours locked up in a pool house alone with Ryan Atwood? Would this be good sense?
10. Did Sammy steal the money from the bank robbery? If he did, is that actually such a bad thing?
11. Is the guy who plays Jim in "The Office" more or less of a douche in real life than the guy who plays Dwight?
12. Was Joss Whedon's "Much Ado About Nothing" the most rockin' thing you ever saw, or what?
13. What was your favorite scene in Joss Whedon's "Much Ado About Nothing"?
14. How is Hollywood's representation of gay characters, of sexuality, of women's rights the same as, or different from, what others in the homeschool community might have you believe?
15. Should they have killed off Marissa or let her and Ryan live happily-ever-after? How did the killing off of Marissa affect your opinion of how Hollywood might affect the souls of young actors?
So, I guess we have now discovered whether or not I would be briefer and more to the point today.
Definitely not.
I hope, though, that you have been entertained by this post. At least a little bit. And I hope that, perhaps, you have gotten something out of it that is helpful to you, or will someday be helpful to you.
And I want you to know that I really appreciate the time you have taken to read my meandering ramblings. ;-)
This post will probably be a bit briefer and more to the point. Maybe.
First of all, people living with other people is always problematic. Because people are problematic. There are times when I think it would be lovely to have my own studio apartment with a murphy bed and shiny hardwood floors. There would be nothing in it except the bare essentials and my Mac. And I think we all wish this sort of thing from time to time. Do we actually want it to happen? Nah. It's just that people living with people has its stresses, as well as its rewards, no matter how much you love each other.
And so it is if you have teenagers. It's going to get stressful. But, it can also be a lot of fun.
How can we make it fun?
It starts when they're little, as I said before. Have fun together, enjoy life together, but make it clear that you are in charge. If you say something, it goes. It doesn't have to be a fight. You can be friendly about it.
For example, if you are in the park and it's time to go home:
Mom: You have five more minutes to do what you want to do and then it's time to go home.
*Five Minutes Pass (Or ten. When they are three, they really have no idea.)*
Mom: (in a friendly, yet firm, voice) We are leaving now.
Children: (whining) Can't we stay just five more minutes!?!?!? Pleeeeease!?!?!?
Mom: (calmly walking over, picking up the youngest child, fully expecting the others to follow) We are leaving now.
If you do this, each and every time, it will work. I think. You just have to be consistent. And calm. And firm.
And if you start this with your toddlers and your pre-schoolers, things will probably progress rather smoothly as your children head toward adolescence.
Then, one day, your adolescent child (especially if said child is a girl) will roll her eyes at you when you ask her to do something quite reasonable. Do not lose your temper. Just smile mischievously and take her picture with your iPhone. I actually did this (though not with an iPhone, as they weren't invented yet) and my daughter started to laugh. Calmly re-assert what you want your child to do and expect that she will do it. Of course, before you make your request, you have to take your child's personality and state-of-mind and mood into consideration. Don't set yourself up for failure. Set yourself up for success. It is best to make requests of your child when she is not feeling exhausted and overwhelmed with life. Because -- let's face it -- teens these days do have a lot of pressure. One mother told me that her child was told to take the SAT at least three times and to fill out a minimum of ten college applications. No wonder so many of them are on anti-depressants (the moms and the teens). So, start by making small, reasonable requests when your child is in a good mood and not in the middle of a term paper. That way, she will get used to cooperating with you in a pleasant way.
In this vein, do not ever fight with your teenagers. Don't get into shouting matches. Don't threaten. Just don't do it. You will lose. Every time. They have way more energy than you do. They can come up with clever plans to get around you. They have friends who will collude with them against you. Even if they are homeschooled.
How to not fight?
Firstly, listen to your teen without judging. Kids like to tell you things, even when they are teens and young adults, if you don't judge them and what they're saying. So, if your teen is telling you her opinion that short hair on guys is better than long hair on guys -- which is a totally screwed up opinion, in my opinion -- it is best just to listen. Or if your son is telling you that if he doesn't get into college, he has figured out a way to live independently on minimum wage, just hear him out. My husband once said to me something like this, "The kids tell you all kinds of crazy things, and you don't say anything." "Well," I replied, "they will eventually figure out most of these things for themselves."
Does this mean you should never say anything? Of course not. My Bridget and I have had many discussions about the hair of Thor versus the hair of Captain America. But, this is the thing. You have to gauge the state-of-mind of your child when she starts talking. Is it time to have a mutual discussion or to just be a listening ear? If in doubt, go with the listening ear.
Secondly, do not micromanage your teens. Nobody likes to be micromanaged. Keep your expectations simple and basic, such as: have good personal hygiene, pass your classes, speak politely to your parents and siblings, don't date douche-bags, no sex, no illegal drugs, drive in a legal manner. Keep your requests reasonable, too. For example, I have always thought a strict curfew was lame. But, on the other hand, I had to know where my kids were going, with whom, and by when they would be home. The time I expected them to arrive home depended on the activity. And I expected them to call if their plans changed or they were going to be late. And if they gave me a bad time about these reasonable things, I would calmly explain how they were reasonable things and what could happen if they did not do them. These kinds of discussions evolved over time -- starting from when they were in grade school -- so, my expectations were no big shock when they became teenagers. (Confession: Even now, even though they are in their 20's, these rules still apply. They will apply until my kids get places of their own. Because I cannot sleep if I don't know where they are. I start imagining them being kidnapped. Yes, this is idiotic. But, it's the way it is and the price for living at home with a mother who gets slightly anxious even though she tries not to. Did I say "slightly?" My kids would probably laugh at my use of that word. They are patient with me, though. Most of the time, anyway.)
Thirdly, and probably most important, enjoy your teens and let them see that you are a "cool" person. By "cool," I don't mean that you have to take Metal Class on Mondays (like Chris Bruno) -- although that is very cool. You don't have to act like a teen yourself, because -- frankly -- that will just embarrass your teens. But, be the kind of parent whose teenagers will enjoy having their friends over to your house. My kids have lots of parties with their friends at my house -- even though they aren't teens, anymore. And their friends seem to enjoy coming over here. Probably because we let them drink beer (now that they are of age). We even buy their friends beer sometimes. And, sometimes, their friends buy the beer. They even let my husband and I attend the parties and have some beer, too. Let me say, though, that nobody -- EVER -- gets drunk. That would quickly end the parties, and my kids know it.
I guess I have digressed a bit -- in talking about beer parties -- from the topic of teenagers. For whom you should never, ever buy beer.
And while we are on the topic of enjoying your teens -- now that I am done digressing -- maybe it is worth it to discuss the issue of TV and movies. These things often cause conflict among parents and teens. For example, Mom might want to watch "Magic Mike" and her kids might think it is inappropriate. Well, Mom, it is time to assert your parental authority here. Or Mom might want to watch "SouthLAnd" and her kids might think it is too violent. Again, time to assert the parental authority, and -- if your teen is female -- point out the hotness of Ben McKenzie, thus luring her in and making her your "SouthLAnd" buddy. My point being? If you don't act all judgmental about your kids' TV shows and movies, they won't act all judgmental about yours. And if you want your kids to watch your stuff with you, it is important that you watch their stuff with them. And then talk about their stuff with them in a friendly, non-threatening way. Here are some possible discussion questions that you can use when discussing TV shows and movies with your kids:
1. How come the Rules For Being A Vampire are different in each vampire show?
2. How come it is taking Charlie so damn long to propose to Amita?
3. How come some actors don't mind showing us their bums and some do?
4. Do you think this role is more or less likely to cause the paparazzi to show up at Shawn Hatosy's house?
5. How do you like the way the abortion issue is handled by the writers of "The O.C."?
6. How many sexually transmitted diseases do you suppose Ben Sherman has?
7. When did Neil Patrick Harris suddenly become hot?
8. Who is Channing Tatum?
9. What do you suppose would happen if you spent hours upon hours locked up in a pool house alone with Ryan Atwood? Would this be good sense?
10. Did Sammy steal the money from the bank robbery? If he did, is that actually such a bad thing?
11. Is the guy who plays Jim in "The Office" more or less of a douche in real life than the guy who plays Dwight?
12. Was Joss Whedon's "Much Ado About Nothing" the most rockin' thing you ever saw, or what?
13. What was your favorite scene in Joss Whedon's "Much Ado About Nothing"?
14. How is Hollywood's representation of gay characters, of sexuality, of women's rights the same as, or different from, what others in the homeschool community might have you believe?
15. Should they have killed off Marissa or let her and Ryan live happily-ever-after? How did the killing off of Marissa affect your opinion of how Hollywood might affect the souls of young actors?
So, I guess we have now discovered whether or not I would be briefer and more to the point today.
Definitely not.
I hope, though, that you have been entertained by this post. At least a little bit. And I hope that, perhaps, you have gotten something out of it that is helpful to you, or will someday be helpful to you.
And I want you to know that I really appreciate the time you have taken to read my meandering ramblings. ;-)
Tuesday, July 9, 2013
The Having Of Teenagers -- Part I
As you may or may not know, I have three kiddos. Two girls and a boy. Andrea, Bridget, and Scott. Twenty-four, twenty-three, and twenty. Soon to be 25, 23, and 21.
So yes, they have all been teenagers. And they are all still alive. And I am still alive. And my husband is still alive. We are all living in the same house, except for when Scott ventures forth to go away to college. The girls went away to college, too. But, they have graduated and are back at home. Andrea works. Bridget worked. Then her health issues acted up and she had to stay home for a while. She starts back to work again in a couple of weeks. Yay!
And since I am still alive after having raised three teenagers, and since they are all still living at home in relative peace with their father and I, I thought I'd talk a little about how to go about surviving the teenage years. Maybe I am full of crap, but here goes.
Yesterday, I read another mom's blog post about the rules she and her husband have come up with for their children regarding devices. You know, stuff like iPhones and iPads and iPods and TV and computers. She and her hubby devised a very long and very thorough set of rules for their children regarding these things. It was quite admirable. It also made my head spin and my stomach ache. Although, those symptoms were -- perhaps -- brought about by my menopausal state. I am unsure.
But, I started thinking about teenagers and rules. I never made any rules, either when my kids were young or when they were teens. By this I mean that I never had any formal set of rules that I wrote down in a long list. Why? Because I am lazy. And I could never have kept them straight. And do you know what happens when the mom can't keep the rules straight? I'll tell you.
This is what happens:
1. Child A: Can I do such and such?
2. Mom: Sure.
3. Child B: But that's against the rules you wrote down and posted on the fridge. See? Rule VII, Subrule C, Addendum iii.
4. Mom: Oh, yeah. So you can't do that, Child A.
5. Child A: That's SO UNFAIR! I HATE YOU CHILD B!!!
6. Mom: Is it time for a beer yet?
Firstly then, in talking about living with teens, I say, "Dispense with the rule lists." You can never be thorough enough to cover all contingencies. And if you are thorough enough to cover all contingencies, you will not be able to keep track of them in your head, especially when the menopausal hormones kick in, which they often do at right about the same time your children turn into teenagers.
What to do? To me, the simplest, most straight-forward thing to do actually starts when your kids are quite small. Be with them. Talk with them. Have fun times with them. Get to know them. Let them know you are a reasonable person. Let them see you being reasonable. Let them see you recover your reasonableness after you have lost it. After all, you will lose it from time to time. Apologize, recover, and move on. And do NOT, under ANY circumstances, take ANY shit from them whatsoever. This is quite important. You are the parent. You have the say-so. Have confidence in yourself in this area. Yes, be warm and nurturing. But, for God's sake, stand up and claim your parental power. Do not be afraid of your children.
Last week, I read an anecdote. Someone was in a Starbucks when he (she?) overheard a child of about 7 years old say to his parent, "If they don't have my coffee cake, I am going to lose my shit." EXCUSE ME? There is no possible way any of my kids would have ever gotten away with saying something like that. Either to me or to anybody else. That child would have been immediately whisked home with no coffee cake. Once home, it would have been made quite clear to that child that nothing like that was ever going to happen again. I'm not saying that physical punishment would have to be involved. But, there would have been a sitting down of that child and my eyes would have been about two inches from his and things would have been quite no-nonsense.
And do you know why? Kids who are seven years old say stupid things -- things they usually hear from other kids or other adults (or even their own parents). It is easy to say, "He is just seven." It is easy to let it go. It takes much less energy and effort to let it go. But, if you let it go when your child is seven, what kind of experience are you going to have with that child when he/she is a teen?
I do not mean to get on my high horse here and act like I am some kind of superior parent. I am not. I have failed mightily many times. I will continue to fail. But, I have learned some stuff from my failures and from looking around me. And one of the things I have learned is that, often, we parents get intimidated by our children. Why? We want them to be happy. We want them to be well-adjusted and confident and successful. We don't like it when they cry and have temper tantrums and get mad at us. I understand all that. But, I believe we can claim our parental authority and care about our children's self-esteem at the same time. It is a balancing act, and we will occasionally (or more than occasionally) lose our balance. But, we should strive for it.
In my next post, I will speak more specifically about teenagers and relating to them, with the understanding that the foundation for this relationship has been laid before your children turn into teenagers, because you have expected them to be honest, decent little people who treat others (including their own parents) with honesty and decency.
I see here that I have kind of strayed off of the specific topic of rules and rule lists, so I guess I can just summarize it this way:
*If your core idea is that you want your children to grow up to be people of moral integrity, just keep that in mind when you interact with them. Keep that in mind as you observe how they behave toward you and toward others. Everything grows organically from that. If that is your core, you don't need rule lists. Your children will understand where you are coming from as you travel with them and guide them through the hills and the valleys of their growing up. *
So yes, they have all been teenagers. And they are all still alive. And I am still alive. And my husband is still alive. We are all living in the same house, except for when Scott ventures forth to go away to college. The girls went away to college, too. But, they have graduated and are back at home. Andrea works. Bridget worked. Then her health issues acted up and she had to stay home for a while. She starts back to work again in a couple of weeks. Yay!
And since I am still alive after having raised three teenagers, and since they are all still living at home in relative peace with their father and I, I thought I'd talk a little about how to go about surviving the teenage years. Maybe I am full of crap, but here goes.
Yesterday, I read another mom's blog post about the rules she and her husband have come up with for their children regarding devices. You know, stuff like iPhones and iPads and iPods and TV and computers. She and her hubby devised a very long and very thorough set of rules for their children regarding these things. It was quite admirable. It also made my head spin and my stomach ache. Although, those symptoms were -- perhaps -- brought about by my menopausal state. I am unsure.
But, I started thinking about teenagers and rules. I never made any rules, either when my kids were young or when they were teens. By this I mean that I never had any formal set of rules that I wrote down in a long list. Why? Because I am lazy. And I could never have kept them straight. And do you know what happens when the mom can't keep the rules straight? I'll tell you.
This is what happens:
1. Child A: Can I do such and such?
2. Mom: Sure.
3. Child B: But that's against the rules you wrote down and posted on the fridge. See? Rule VII, Subrule C, Addendum iii.
4. Mom: Oh, yeah. So you can't do that, Child A.
5. Child A: That's SO UNFAIR! I HATE YOU CHILD B!!!
6. Mom: Is it time for a beer yet?
Firstly then, in talking about living with teens, I say, "Dispense with the rule lists." You can never be thorough enough to cover all contingencies. And if you are thorough enough to cover all contingencies, you will not be able to keep track of them in your head, especially when the menopausal hormones kick in, which they often do at right about the same time your children turn into teenagers.
What to do? To me, the simplest, most straight-forward thing to do actually starts when your kids are quite small. Be with them. Talk with them. Have fun times with them. Get to know them. Let them know you are a reasonable person. Let them see you being reasonable. Let them see you recover your reasonableness after you have lost it. After all, you will lose it from time to time. Apologize, recover, and move on. And do NOT, under ANY circumstances, take ANY shit from them whatsoever. This is quite important. You are the parent. You have the say-so. Have confidence in yourself in this area. Yes, be warm and nurturing. But, for God's sake, stand up and claim your parental power. Do not be afraid of your children.
Last week, I read an anecdote. Someone was in a Starbucks when he (she?) overheard a child of about 7 years old say to his parent, "If they don't have my coffee cake, I am going to lose my shit." EXCUSE ME? There is no possible way any of my kids would have ever gotten away with saying something like that. Either to me or to anybody else. That child would have been immediately whisked home with no coffee cake. Once home, it would have been made quite clear to that child that nothing like that was ever going to happen again. I'm not saying that physical punishment would have to be involved. But, there would have been a sitting down of that child and my eyes would have been about two inches from his and things would have been quite no-nonsense.
And do you know why? Kids who are seven years old say stupid things -- things they usually hear from other kids or other adults (or even their own parents). It is easy to say, "He is just seven." It is easy to let it go. It takes much less energy and effort to let it go. But, if you let it go when your child is seven, what kind of experience are you going to have with that child when he/she is a teen?
I do not mean to get on my high horse here and act like I am some kind of superior parent. I am not. I have failed mightily many times. I will continue to fail. But, I have learned some stuff from my failures and from looking around me. And one of the things I have learned is that, often, we parents get intimidated by our children. Why? We want them to be happy. We want them to be well-adjusted and confident and successful. We don't like it when they cry and have temper tantrums and get mad at us. I understand all that. But, I believe we can claim our parental authority and care about our children's self-esteem at the same time. It is a balancing act, and we will occasionally (or more than occasionally) lose our balance. But, we should strive for it.
In my next post, I will speak more specifically about teenagers and relating to them, with the understanding that the foundation for this relationship has been laid before your children turn into teenagers, because you have expected them to be honest, decent little people who treat others (including their own parents) with honesty and decency.
I see here that I have kind of strayed off of the specific topic of rules and rule lists, so I guess I can just summarize it this way:
*If your core idea is that you want your children to grow up to be people of moral integrity, just keep that in mind when you interact with them. Keep that in mind as you observe how they behave toward you and toward others. Everything grows organically from that. If that is your core, you don't need rule lists. Your children will understand where you are coming from as you travel with them and guide them through the hills and the valleys of their growing up. *
Thursday, December 6, 2012
Faith, Hope, Love, Young People -- And "The O.C."
If you read my blog, you probably realize that my mind contains a rather large jumble of things all being shaken up together -- Catholicism, mom stuff, wife things, homemaking, teaching, music, TV, movies, philosophy, politics... Sometimes, a bunch of this stuff blends together into an image in my imagination, which I want to express here, but the transition from what's in my head to the written word can be rather difficult. So, here I go...
Today, I have been reflecting on TV, music, modern life, youth, and faith. Specifically, how modern shows like "The O.C." and its music speak to and about young people -- their hearts and their faith -- their seeking for what is worthy of belief. And how can we, as parents, teachers, and adults, help them on their way?
First, I should probably say something about my philosophy of TV and movie watching with my kids. I allowed my children -- who are now 24, 22, and 20 years old -- to view many different types of things as they grew up. I didn't make decisions about what they could watch based, necessarily, on language, sexual content, and violence. Although, I did take these into consideration. I was careful not to overwhelm their senses with images they weren't ready for developmentally. The fast-forward/scene-skipping buttons on the remote came in pretty handy here. What I mainly looked for were stories that were well-told, that meant something, which we could use as a springboard for discussion and further learning. A few of the movies and TV shows my kids most enjoyed were probably the following: "Top Gun", "Jerry Maguire", "Band of Brothers", "Pearl Harbor", "The Lord of the Rings" triology, and "JAG". More recently, we have enjoyed together "Numb3rs", "Angel", "SouthLAnd", and "The O.C."
Now, as for watching "The O.C." My kids didn't see this when it originally aired. This wasn't a conscious decision on my part. We were just involved in other things at the time, and this show didn't appear on our radar. Although, my kids -- at least my older two -- were probably in the original target audience for the original air dates. So, I ask myself if I would have been ok with them watching it when they were actually in high school, as it does contain a fair amount of sexuality and other soap-opera-like drama. I was talking about this with my older daughter and I ended up saying, "Well, I probably would have let you watch it. And I would have watched it with you. But, I would have said one simple thing -- 'If you act like the kids on that show, you WILL get pregnant.'" She laughed, and did not disagree.
We actually started watching "The O.C." because we were watching "SouthLAnd" and learned that Ben McKenzie (Officer Sherman on "SouthLAnd") had done this other show. I, therefore, ordered the first season of "The O.C." on DVD, just for kicks. I wasn't going to order the other seasons. Then we all got hooked and some Hollywood people made some money off me. Money they earned well, I must say.
After watching all four seasons of "The O.C." and listening to the music chosen for the show, I have been having some wistfully philosophical thoughts, as I am want to do. Whoever chose the music for that show has epic talent. The writing, acting, and music all come together to really tug on your heartstrings. And for me, as a mom -- and a person for whom youth is not too far distant a memory -- it tugs on my heartstrings in a special way. I do not say to myself, "Young people are a hopeless, immoral, faithless mess; and the world is going to hell in a hand basket." Instead, I have the following thoughts:
It seems to me that "The O.C." -- and many other movies and television shows of interest to youth -- reflect a real seeking on the part of young people. Yes, these kids may be rebellious and do things that defy common sense, but that is the nature of this age group. It always has been. And if you don't believe me, read the Old Testament and Aristophanes. But, there is more to these kids than trouble making and sex drive. Their hearts do contain a real desire to love and be loved, to be part of families they can count on, to be involved in friendships where they can rest their hearts and be understood, to know the truth about things (even religious things). But, they don't want to be preached at. They don't want to feel constrained. They want to be listened to and really heard. They want to be trusted. And they don't want to be judged. They also don't really care to judge. One of the most wonderful things about young people, in my opinion, is their capacity for compassion and understanding, their open minds.
So, what should we -- as the adults in the equation -- do with this? I think it is helpful to recall our own experience of being young. When I remember my own youth, it helps me to observe, listen to, and talk with my own kids with an open heart and without so much of a need to immediately "fix" all their "faults". I realize that -- if there are any ways in which I have improved as a person over the years -- experience (combined with words of wisdom from wise people) has often been the best teacher. My father said one heck of a lot of smart stuff to me. But, I have often not recalled his advice until I have experienced the pain of not heeding it.
But, you might say, we want to spare our children the suffering and scars of making mistakes. Believe me, so do I. Has there ever been, though, in the history of the world, a person who has not "sinned"? A person with no scars? I don't think so. I ask myself, therefore, "Am I not being prideful in thinking that my own kids -- under my ever-so-superior tutelage -- are going to be perfect?" Haha.
Therefore, I will just try to walk with them and talk with them along the way. I will try to be gentle. I will attempt to remember that I need to let go -- little-by-little -- and let them make their own decisions. My mother-in-law is especially good at this, so I will try to follow her example. Her own five kids -- good people all -- have done some really crazy-ass things over the years, as I'm sure they would admit. And she has not always remained silent. But, after she has spoken her peace, she does the whole "live and let live" thing extremely well. Hat tip to you, Gail... And how does she do this? Well, she ACTUALLY DOES trust God to love her kids and take care of them, even better than she can. And she sees the virtue in each of her children, all the time.
So, maybe this is what my heart is feeling when reflecting on youth and the things they enjoy watching and listening to. These young people want us to see their virtue. They want us to see the virtue in others. They get tired of us constantly pointing out to them what is wrong -- with them, with people they like and admire, with the world. They want to see the positive, to have hope for the future. And they want us to do the same. If we are people of faith, especially, they want us to demonstrate that we actually do trust in God by our love and compassion and positive outlook, not by our constant negative judgements and fearful statements about the future of our country and the world. Our youth want us to BE WITH them along the way. And then, perhaps, they will truly learn from us anything we have that is actually worth teaching.
Today, I have been reflecting on TV, music, modern life, youth, and faith. Specifically, how modern shows like "The O.C." and its music speak to and about young people -- their hearts and their faith -- their seeking for what is worthy of belief. And how can we, as parents, teachers, and adults, help them on their way?
First, I should probably say something about my philosophy of TV and movie watching with my kids. I allowed my children -- who are now 24, 22, and 20 years old -- to view many different types of things as they grew up. I didn't make decisions about what they could watch based, necessarily, on language, sexual content, and violence. Although, I did take these into consideration. I was careful not to overwhelm their senses with images they weren't ready for developmentally. The fast-forward/scene-skipping buttons on the remote came in pretty handy here. What I mainly looked for were stories that were well-told, that meant something, which we could use as a springboard for discussion and further learning. A few of the movies and TV shows my kids most enjoyed were probably the following: "Top Gun", "Jerry Maguire", "Band of Brothers", "Pearl Harbor", "The Lord of the Rings" triology, and "JAG". More recently, we have enjoyed together "Numb3rs", "Angel", "SouthLAnd", and "The O.C."
Now, as for watching "The O.C." My kids didn't see this when it originally aired. This wasn't a conscious decision on my part. We were just involved in other things at the time, and this show didn't appear on our radar. Although, my kids -- at least my older two -- were probably in the original target audience for the original air dates. So, I ask myself if I would have been ok with them watching it when they were actually in high school, as it does contain a fair amount of sexuality and other soap-opera-like drama. I was talking about this with my older daughter and I ended up saying, "Well, I probably would have let you watch it. And I would have watched it with you. But, I would have said one simple thing -- 'If you act like the kids on that show, you WILL get pregnant.'" She laughed, and did not disagree.
We actually started watching "The O.C." because we were watching "SouthLAnd" and learned that Ben McKenzie (Officer Sherman on "SouthLAnd") had done this other show. I, therefore, ordered the first season of "The O.C." on DVD, just for kicks. I wasn't going to order the other seasons. Then we all got hooked and some Hollywood people made some money off me. Money they earned well, I must say.
After watching all four seasons of "The O.C." and listening to the music chosen for the show, I have been having some wistfully philosophical thoughts, as I am want to do. Whoever chose the music for that show has epic talent. The writing, acting, and music all come together to really tug on your heartstrings. And for me, as a mom -- and a person for whom youth is not too far distant a memory -- it tugs on my heartstrings in a special way. I do not say to myself, "Young people are a hopeless, immoral, faithless mess; and the world is going to hell in a hand basket." Instead, I have the following thoughts:
It seems to me that "The O.C." -- and many other movies and television shows of interest to youth -- reflect a real seeking on the part of young people. Yes, these kids may be rebellious and do things that defy common sense, but that is the nature of this age group. It always has been. And if you don't believe me, read the Old Testament and Aristophanes. But, there is more to these kids than trouble making and sex drive. Their hearts do contain a real desire to love and be loved, to be part of families they can count on, to be involved in friendships where they can rest their hearts and be understood, to know the truth about things (even religious things). But, they don't want to be preached at. They don't want to feel constrained. They want to be listened to and really heard. They want to be trusted. And they don't want to be judged. They also don't really care to judge. One of the most wonderful things about young people, in my opinion, is their capacity for compassion and understanding, their open minds.
So, what should we -- as the adults in the equation -- do with this? I think it is helpful to recall our own experience of being young. When I remember my own youth, it helps me to observe, listen to, and talk with my own kids with an open heart and without so much of a need to immediately "fix" all their "faults". I realize that -- if there are any ways in which I have improved as a person over the years -- experience (combined with words of wisdom from wise people) has often been the best teacher. My father said one heck of a lot of smart stuff to me. But, I have often not recalled his advice until I have experienced the pain of not heeding it.
But, you might say, we want to spare our children the suffering and scars of making mistakes. Believe me, so do I. Has there ever been, though, in the history of the world, a person who has not "sinned"? A person with no scars? I don't think so. I ask myself, therefore, "Am I not being prideful in thinking that my own kids -- under my ever-so-superior tutelage -- are going to be perfect?" Haha.
Therefore, I will just try to walk with them and talk with them along the way. I will try to be gentle. I will attempt to remember that I need to let go -- little-by-little -- and let them make their own decisions. My mother-in-law is especially good at this, so I will try to follow her example. Her own five kids -- good people all -- have done some really crazy-ass things over the years, as I'm sure they would admit. And she has not always remained silent. But, after she has spoken her peace, she does the whole "live and let live" thing extremely well. Hat tip to you, Gail... And how does she do this? Well, she ACTUALLY DOES trust God to love her kids and take care of them, even better than she can. And she sees the virtue in each of her children, all the time.
So, maybe this is what my heart is feeling when reflecting on youth and the things they enjoy watching and listening to. These young people want us to see their virtue. They want us to see the virtue in others. They get tired of us constantly pointing out to them what is wrong -- with them, with people they like and admire, with the world. They want to see the positive, to have hope for the future. And they want us to do the same. If we are people of faith, especially, they want us to demonstrate that we actually do trust in God by our love and compassion and positive outlook, not by our constant negative judgements and fearful statements about the future of our country and the world. Our youth want us to BE WITH them along the way. And then, perhaps, they will truly learn from us anything we have that is actually worth teaching.
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
Bullying And Family Life
Yesterday, I spoke about the need for kids to be allowed to stand up for themselves against bullies. Today, I would like to speak of how our homes and family lives can be used to shield our children from bullying and its negative effects.
Young people, common wisdom holds, are very peer-oriented. It is quite important to them to feel accepted by their confreres, to "fit in." And this makes them especially vulnerable to bullying. Bullies can make their targets virtual outcasts at school and in other social situations, as most kids -- even those who aren't doing the bullying -- feel unable to stand up to these mean people. So, the victims of bullies are often victimized twice over -- by the bullies themselves, and by the otherwise nice kids who don't befriend or stick up for them out of their own fear of the bullies. I had this experience myself in school. When I was bullied, the kids who actually liked me would often avoid me because they were afraid to become targets themselves. So, not only did I feel abused by the mean kids, I also felt very alone.
And this is where a positive home and family life are so important for young people who are victims of bullies. Now, I realize that for some kids, a good home life is a near impossibility. And that is an issue to be addressed separately. For now, I am speaking to parents -- married, single, straight, or gay -- who have the ability to create a haven in their homes for their kids. Who can make their relationships with their kids into safe harbors against the storms of life, including bullying. And I believe this to be a grave parental responsibility. I know that we as parents have plenty of our own problems, and it can be tempting to play down the problems that our sometimes difficult teens are having. Really, though, in the long run, if we can reach inside and dig out of ourselves whatever is necessary to help our kids, we are not only helping them -- we are helping ourselves. I mean, let's face it. Nothing makes your life more miserable than a miserable kid. (Yes. I guess I am appealing a little bit to our own adult selfishness here. Please forgive.)
I know that in my own experience of growing up, nothing comforted me more in the face of the bullies at school than looking forward to Sunday dinner at my grandparents' house, where my cousin would be over. We used to play "The Flying Nun" and my cousin always got to be the Mother Superior. We would attempt to "fly" by jumping off of my nana and grandpa's front porch. And if you don't know what "The Flying Nun" is, then Google it. #generationgap ;-)
And after a tough day in the presence of bullies, what could be lovelier than a meal with a dad who will truly listen - or - having your mom read aloud from that ridiculous hippie-era book, "Flowers for Algernon," that your stuck-in-the-60's English teacher insists upon assigning - or - sitting on the couch watching a movie with your siblings, while your parents make you popcorn?
You, as parents, may say to me, "My kids just aren't interested in doing these kinds of things with us." Well, I beg to differ. With a little finesse on your part, dear parents, most of your kids would be happy to hang with you, to accept this kind of comfort from you. You just have to be a little bit clever about it. Ask yourselves what would have made you want to hang out with your own parents when you were young.
After all, isn't it really in the home, with our families, where we are truly meant to find our comfort and sense of belonging in this life? I think so. And it is our job as parents to teach our children this, to give them this gift. For if our kids know that they actually do have a place in this world, a place that is secure, then it will be much easier for them to say -- "Who gives a flying f**k about these bullies, anyway?"
Young people, common wisdom holds, are very peer-oriented. It is quite important to them to feel accepted by their confreres, to "fit in." And this makes them especially vulnerable to bullying. Bullies can make their targets virtual outcasts at school and in other social situations, as most kids -- even those who aren't doing the bullying -- feel unable to stand up to these mean people. So, the victims of bullies are often victimized twice over -- by the bullies themselves, and by the otherwise nice kids who don't befriend or stick up for them out of their own fear of the bullies. I had this experience myself in school. When I was bullied, the kids who actually liked me would often avoid me because they were afraid to become targets themselves. So, not only did I feel abused by the mean kids, I also felt very alone.
And this is where a positive home and family life are so important for young people who are victims of bullies. Now, I realize that for some kids, a good home life is a near impossibility. And that is an issue to be addressed separately. For now, I am speaking to parents -- married, single, straight, or gay -- who have the ability to create a haven in their homes for their kids. Who can make their relationships with their kids into safe harbors against the storms of life, including bullying. And I believe this to be a grave parental responsibility. I know that we as parents have plenty of our own problems, and it can be tempting to play down the problems that our sometimes difficult teens are having. Really, though, in the long run, if we can reach inside and dig out of ourselves whatever is necessary to help our kids, we are not only helping them -- we are helping ourselves. I mean, let's face it. Nothing makes your life more miserable than a miserable kid. (Yes. I guess I am appealing a little bit to our own adult selfishness here. Please forgive.)
I know that in my own experience of growing up, nothing comforted me more in the face of the bullies at school than looking forward to Sunday dinner at my grandparents' house, where my cousin would be over. We used to play "The Flying Nun" and my cousin always got to be the Mother Superior. We would attempt to "fly" by jumping off of my nana and grandpa's front porch. And if you don't know what "The Flying Nun" is, then Google it. #generationgap ;-)
And after a tough day in the presence of bullies, what could be lovelier than a meal with a dad who will truly listen - or - having your mom read aloud from that ridiculous hippie-era book, "Flowers for Algernon," that your stuck-in-the-60's English teacher insists upon assigning - or - sitting on the couch watching a movie with your siblings, while your parents make you popcorn?
You, as parents, may say to me, "My kids just aren't interested in doing these kinds of things with us." Well, I beg to differ. With a little finesse on your part, dear parents, most of your kids would be happy to hang with you, to accept this kind of comfort from you. You just have to be a little bit clever about it. Ask yourselves what would have made you want to hang out with your own parents when you were young.
After all, isn't it really in the home, with our families, where we are truly meant to find our comfort and sense of belonging in this life? I think so. And it is our job as parents to teach our children this, to give them this gift. For if our kids know that they actually do have a place in this world, a place that is secure, then it will be much easier for them to say -- "Who gives a flying f**k about these bullies, anyway?"
Thursday, August 9, 2012
Just Wondering
Teens. I love teens. I love their unbridled emotions, their sincere thoughts, their enthusiasm, their rebel natures. I taught high school once and I have raised my own teens. And through all these years, I have asked myself: What is the best way to help them grow up?
When I was younger, I tended more to strictness. Why? Mostly out of fear, wanting to protect them -- from drugs, alcohol, sex, car wrecks, heartbreak, bad grades. And I think it is valid to want to protect them from these things. But I also have been wondering this: if we protect too much, do we keep them from having experiences they need to mature. Let's face it -- we learn much from our screw-ups.
Over the past week or so, a few things have caused my little brain to focus on these issues. My son returned to college for his sophomore year. Another mom expressed how much she cries upon sending her son away to school, because she will miss him, but also because she worries he might get into trouble. One of my daughters, who went to a strict Catholic college (her decision), said to me, "People act like having sex is the worst thing you could possibly do." She also told me that a couple of young women who got pregnant at her school were asked to leave until they gave birth. This struck her as rather unfair. I agreed, saying to my pretty traditional girl, "Now you know why women's lib happened." And as I have mentioned before, I homeschooled my kids, thus causing me to hang with a lot of homeschool moms. No offense intended here, but not many people can out-do homeschool moms in their efforts to protect their kids from the evils of modern society. These efforts are loving and well-meaning. And, despite what you may think, homeschoolers generally have excellent social lives, though usually with other homeschoolers who are also being protected from the evils of modern society.
So, upon reflecting on the things mentioned in the paragraph above, I am asking myself: how much protection is healthy and is it always such a bad thing to get into some trouble? I am not talking here about irrevocable trouble. And I am not talking about abandoning our kids to fend for themselves in our hedonistic society. You should always, always be there for your kids. But, maybe it is ok for them to try a few things, to have a few close calls, to check out that cute guy or girl, to wear a daring outfit once in a while, to hang with people who think differently. Maybe we shouldn't be so quick to tell them that the normal events of growing up are sins. Maybe we should allow them the normal events of growing up, with mom and dad serving as the "guard rails", if you will. Maybe they will be better adults for it.
When I was younger, I tended more to strictness. Why? Mostly out of fear, wanting to protect them -- from drugs, alcohol, sex, car wrecks, heartbreak, bad grades. And I think it is valid to want to protect them from these things. But I also have been wondering this: if we protect too much, do we keep them from having experiences they need to mature. Let's face it -- we learn much from our screw-ups.
Over the past week or so, a few things have caused my little brain to focus on these issues. My son returned to college for his sophomore year. Another mom expressed how much she cries upon sending her son away to school, because she will miss him, but also because she worries he might get into trouble. One of my daughters, who went to a strict Catholic college (her decision), said to me, "People act like having sex is the worst thing you could possibly do." She also told me that a couple of young women who got pregnant at her school were asked to leave until they gave birth. This struck her as rather unfair. I agreed, saying to my pretty traditional girl, "Now you know why women's lib happened." And as I have mentioned before, I homeschooled my kids, thus causing me to hang with a lot of homeschool moms. No offense intended here, but not many people can out-do homeschool moms in their efforts to protect their kids from the evils of modern society. These efforts are loving and well-meaning. And, despite what you may think, homeschoolers generally have excellent social lives, though usually with other homeschoolers who are also being protected from the evils of modern society.
So, upon reflecting on the things mentioned in the paragraph above, I am asking myself: how much protection is healthy and is it always such a bad thing to get into some trouble? I am not talking here about irrevocable trouble. And I am not talking about abandoning our kids to fend for themselves in our hedonistic society. You should always, always be there for your kids. But, maybe it is ok for them to try a few things, to have a few close calls, to check out that cute guy or girl, to wear a daring outfit once in a while, to hang with people who think differently. Maybe we shouldn't be so quick to tell them that the normal events of growing up are sins. Maybe we should allow them the normal events of growing up, with mom and dad serving as the "guard rails", if you will. Maybe they will be better adults for it.
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