When I was in third grade (I know I said I was going to write about something I did in 8th grade, but this is the necessary backstory), I went to a new school. The Catholic elementary school I attended for 1st and 2nd grades closed, much to my horror, because I was very happy at that school, so my parents sent me to the Catholic elementary school one town over. And -- frankly -- I was miserable at that school. It was awful for me. I got bullied incessantly all through 3rd grade. I had no idea what I did to deserve it, and I was too young to realize that being bullied is never the fault of the victim. The horrible bullying died down in 4th grade, and beyond, but I never really -- shall we say -- "fit in with the 'in' crowd." I didn't care all that much, because I had a wonderful, marvelous, big, extended Italian family. That family provided me with all the support and companionship anyone could hope to have. And I did manage to make a few very close friends at school, even though the class I was in still contained a pretty big percentage of bullies. I managed to keep the bullies off my back -- and my friends' backs, to some degree -- by being willing to punch them, when necessary. Of course, nowadays I would have gotten suspended, but this was in the 70's, so... ya know... things were different. And the teachers in that school never did anything to help us victims of bullies, and the bullies didn't seem to be interested in my powerful words, so the power of the fist prevailed.
My day-to-day life in this particular Catholic school, combined with the support of my Italian family, served to have a certain effect on me. And the effect was this: I learned to not really give an "f" about what people thought of me. If I was happy with myself, that was enough. And -- of course -- my good friends in that school made my heart happy. I have also always had a very strong spiritual life, and Jesus has always hung with me, no matter what. Sometimes, certain people try to make me feel like Jesus is unhappy with me, but I have learned to ignore those people. My parents were EXCELLENT teachers of conscience formation -- I really have never known anyone who is better at that task -- so, I know when mean, judgy people just need to be blown off.
Anyway...
This is what happened when I was in the 8th grade...
My teacher decided that it would be a good idea to have a class debate about abortion rights. The anti-abortion-rights team was quickly populated, but ABSOLUTELY NOBODY wanted to be on the pro-abortion-rights team. So, me -- being who I am and not giving an "f" about what anybody would think of me -- volunteered to be on that team. And it ended up that I was the ONLY person on that team. Everybody looked at me in the most judgy way, but -- hey -- you cannot have a debate without both sides being represented, and I understood that, even if none of the other Catholic school 8th graders did.
So, I went to the library (because there was no internet in those days) and scoured the place for information on why people thought abortion should be legal (because nobody had ever told me why people thought abortion should be legal). My family was very Italian and very Catholic. Nobody in my family could be described, even vaguely, as an "anti-abortion activist," but my grandmother put the family philosophy very simply -- "It's okay to keep them from getting there (meaning: contraception is okay), but once they are there, you leave them alone." End of conversation. And I was cool with that. I also must say that NOBODY in my family had any objection to me supporting the pro-abortion-rights side in the debate. My family was pretty awesome about bipartisanship. Therefore, I researched the heck out of the subject (I was determined to win, after all), and I prepared, and I rehearsed, and I pretty much destroyed the anti-abortion-rights side in that debate. The arguments the other side used were lame-ass. Admittedly, they were a bunch of Catholic school 8th graders, so there's that.
After that debate, I was pretty much treated like a pariah by my classmates. But, everyone recovered quickly. My class was, actually, fairly good about not holding grudges, and there was kickball to be played.
I learned a lot of important things from that experience, and one of them was what it is like to be treated like a pariah for your opinions. Because -- in my Italian family -- nobody ever got treated like a pariah, even the hippie cousins who hitchhiked around the country and didn't have jobs and espoused communism. They were still welcomed with open arms for dinner and card games and all kinds of fun. My dad did tell me, though, that I was not allowed to be a hitchhiking, unemployed, hippie communist; but, he did say that my cousins were really "nice kids." My dad was probably the most awesome person, EVER.
Anyhow, to tell you the truth, I was pretty amused by everyone's reaction to me after that debate. As I said, I had learned, over the years, not to give an "f" about what people thought of me, as long as I had searched by conscience and believed in myself.
I'm not exactly sure what my point is in telling you this story. It just came to mind today, and I felt like telling it, so I did. ;-)
Pax.
Showing posts with label pro-choice. Show all posts
Showing posts with label pro-choice. Show all posts
Monday, November 14, 2016
This Thing I Did In 8th Grade
When I was in third grade (I know I said I was going to write about something I did in 8th grade, but this is the necessary backstory), I went to a new school. The Catholic elementary school I attended for 1st and 2nd grade closed, much to my horror, because I was very happy at that school, so my parents sent me to the Catholic elementary school one town over. And -- frankly -- I was miserable at that school. It was awful for me. I got bullied incessantly all through 3rd grade. I had no idea what I did to deserve it, and I was too young to realize that being bullied is never the fault of the victim. The horrible bullying died down in 4th grade, and beyond, but I never really -- shall we say -- "fit in with the 'in' crowd." I really didn't care all that much, because I had a wonderful, marvelous, big, extended Italian family. That family provided me with all the support and companionship anyone could hope to have. And I did manage to make a few very close friends at school, even though the class I was in still contained a pretty big percentage of bullies. I managed to keep the bullies off my back -- and my friends' backs, to some degree -- by being willing to punch them, when necessary. Of course, nowadays I would have gotten suspended, but this was in the 70's, so... ya know... things were different. And the teachers in that school never did anything to help us victims of bullies, and the bullies didn't seem to be interested in my powerful words, so power of the fist prevailed.
My day-to-day life in this particular Catholic school, combined with the support of my Italian family, served to have a certain effect on me. And the effect was this: I learned to not really give an "f" about what people thought of me. If I was happy with myself, that was enough. And -- of course -- my good friends in that school made my heart happy. I have also always had a very strong spiritual life, and Jesus has always hung with me, no matter what. Sometimes, certain people try to make me feel like Jesus is unhappy with me, but I have learned to ignore those people. My parents were EXCELLENT teachers of conscience formation -- I really have never known anyone who is better at that task -- so, I know when mean, judgy people just need to be blown off.
Anyway...
This is what happened when I was in the 8th grade...
My teacher decided that it would be a good idea to have a class debate about abortion rights. The anti-abortion-rights team was quickly populated, but ABSOLUTELY NOBODY wanted to be on the pro-abortion-rights team. So, me -- being who I am and not giving an "f" about what anybody would think of me -- volunteered to be on that team. And it ended up that I was the ONLY person on that team. Everybody looked at me in the most judgy way, but -- hey -- you cannot have a debate without both sides being represented, and I understood that, even if none of the other Catholic school 8th graders did.
So, I went to the library (because there was no internet in those days) and scoured the place for information on why people thought abortion should be legal (because nobody had ever told me why people thought abortion should be legal). My family was very Italian and very Catholic. Nobody in my family could be described, even vaguely, as an "anti-abortion activist," but my grandmother put the family philosophy very simply -- "It's okay to keep them from getting there (meaning: contraception is okay), but once they are there, you leave them alone." End of conversation. And I was cool with that. I also must say that NOBODY in my family had any objection to me supporting the pro-abortion-rights side in the debate. My family was pretty awesome about bipartisanship. Therefore, I researched the heck out of the subject (I was determined to win, after all), and I prepared, and I rehearsed, and I pretty much destroyed the anti-abortion-rights side in that debate. The arguments the other side used were lame-ass. Admittedly, they were a bunch of Catholic school 8th graders, so there's that.
After that debate, I was pretty much treated like a pariah by my classmates. But, everyone recovered quickly. My class was, actually, fairly good about not holding grudges, and there was kickball to be played.
I learned a lot of important things from that experience, and one of them was what it is like to be treated like a pariah for your opinions. Because -- in my Italian family -- nobody ever got treated like a pariah, even the hippie cousins who hitchhiked around the country and didn't have jobs and espoused communism. They were still welcomed with open arms for dinner and card games and all kinds of fun. My dad did tell me, though, that I was not allowed to be a hitchhiking, unemployed, hippie communist; but, he did say that my cousins were really "nice kids." My dad was probably the most awesome person, EVER.
Anyhow, to tell you the truth, I was pretty amused by everyone's reaction to me after that debate. As I said, I had learned, over the years, not to give an "f" about what people thought of me, as long as I had searched by conscience and believed in myself.
I'm not exactly sure what my point is in telling you this story. It just came to mind today, and I felt like telling it, so I did. ;-)
Pax.
My day-to-day life in this particular Catholic school, combined with the support of my Italian family, served to have a certain effect on me. And the effect was this: I learned to not really give an "f" about what people thought of me. If I was happy with myself, that was enough. And -- of course -- my good friends in that school made my heart happy. I have also always had a very strong spiritual life, and Jesus has always hung with me, no matter what. Sometimes, certain people try to make me feel like Jesus is unhappy with me, but I have learned to ignore those people. My parents were EXCELLENT teachers of conscience formation -- I really have never known anyone who is better at that task -- so, I know when mean, judgy people just need to be blown off.
Anyway...
This is what happened when I was in the 8th grade...
My teacher decided that it would be a good idea to have a class debate about abortion rights. The anti-abortion-rights team was quickly populated, but ABSOLUTELY NOBODY wanted to be on the pro-abortion-rights team. So, me -- being who I am and not giving an "f" about what anybody would think of me -- volunteered to be on that team. And it ended up that I was the ONLY person on that team. Everybody looked at me in the most judgy way, but -- hey -- you cannot have a debate without both sides being represented, and I understood that, even if none of the other Catholic school 8th graders did.
So, I went to the library (because there was no internet in those days) and scoured the place for information on why people thought abortion should be legal (because nobody had ever told me why people thought abortion should be legal). My family was very Italian and very Catholic. Nobody in my family could be described, even vaguely, as an "anti-abortion activist," but my grandmother put the family philosophy very simply -- "It's okay to keep them from getting there (meaning: contraception is okay), but once they are there, you leave them alone." End of conversation. And I was cool with that. I also must say that NOBODY in my family had any objection to me supporting the pro-abortion-rights side in the debate. My family was pretty awesome about bipartisanship. Therefore, I researched the heck out of the subject (I was determined to win, after all), and I prepared, and I rehearsed, and I pretty much destroyed the anti-abortion-rights side in that debate. The arguments the other side used were lame-ass. Admittedly, they were a bunch of Catholic school 8th graders, so there's that.
After that debate, I was pretty much treated like a pariah by my classmates. But, everyone recovered quickly. My class was, actually, fairly good about not holding grudges, and there was kickball to be played.
I learned a lot of important things from that experience, and one of them was what it is like to be treated like a pariah for your opinions. Because -- in my Italian family -- nobody ever got treated like a pariah, even the hippie cousins who hitchhiked around the country and didn't have jobs and espoused communism. They were still welcomed with open arms for dinner and card games and all kinds of fun. My dad did tell me, though, that I was not allowed to be a hitchhiking, unemployed, hippie communist; but, he did say that my cousins were really "nice kids." My dad was probably the most awesome person, EVER.
Anyhow, to tell you the truth, I was pretty amused by everyone's reaction to me after that debate. As I said, I had learned, over the years, not to give an "f" about what people thought of me, as long as I had searched by conscience and believed in myself.
I'm not exactly sure what my point is in telling you this story. It just came to mind today, and I felt like telling it, so I did. ;-)
Pax.
Friday, September 18, 2015
What The Republicans Are Doing Is Downright Dangerous
I am talking about their effort to de-fund Planned Parenthood.
I am also talking about all these misrepresentative videos the "pro-lifers" have been putting out.
This is all wrong-headed and dangerous.
And I'll tell you why.
This whole thing about selling baby parts for profit and the controversy over fetal experimentation is nothing new. And I'm not saying we shouldn't be disturbed by at least some of what we heard in those videos.
But, there is a danger. A very real danger.
Let me tell you a story:
Years ago, when conservatives were talking about the selling of baby parts and fetal experimentation, I had an acquaintance who was pregnant. She started to miscarry. She bled pretty badly. But -- she wouldn't go into the hospital. Why? BECAUSE SHE WAS AFRAID THEY WOULD EXPERIMENT ON THE BABY AFTER SHE MISCARRIED. That's right. And this was an intelligent woman. She was very conservative, though, and was wont to listen to all the conservative propaganda about this issue. And by the time she finally did go into the hospital, she came very close to HAVING TO HAVE A HYSTERECTOMY, because the medical personnel feared that they wouldn't be able to get the bleeding under control in time to save her. She actually endangered her own life and her reproductive health because she was misled by all of this "pro-life" propaganda.
And this makes me angry. So. Very. Angry. It is wrong to use misleading scare tactics to win people over to your side -- even if you passionately believe your side is in the right.
Hear that Republicans??? You are putting people's lives in danger -- including the lives of the unborn, because women might be afraid to seek care when they need it. I mean, what if my acquaintance's baby could have been saved if she had sought help in a more timely way? It's probably unlikely anything could have been done, but we'll never know, will we? Why? Because of people like you, Republicans. This lady did go on to have more children -- children she was almost not able to have because of conservative fear-mongering. So, that would have been on you, conservative fear-mongers.
(If you are getting the idea that I am totally pissed, you would be right. My apologies.)
And let me tell you one other story. This is a personal story that I have never told anybody, because I was ashamed. Now, right up front, this is not my abortion story. This is my almost, could-have-been abortion story. And I hope you will all still speak to me afterwards.
Years ago, when I was still in college, I was in a very bad place in my life. I had broken up with my fiance -- and it was awful. I was not getting along with my parents, AT ALL. I felt all alone. And I messed around with a guy one night, because I was lonely and heartbroken and not feeling very self-protective. We didn't have sex, but we came pretty close. And then my period was late. And I panicked. I prayed and prayed that I wasn't pregnant, because I didn't feel like there was anyone I could go to. I wouldn't have gone to my parents, because things were horrid between us. And there was no way that I wanted this guy to end up being the father of my child. And his family was pretty dysfunctional, as well. All my close friends were Christian. None of them would have supported me in getting an abortion. And I don't blame them. I certainly didn't believe in abortion. But, when I look at it honestly, I probably either would have had an abortion (and felt like absolute crap about it) or committed suicide. And I'm not exaggerating about that. Suicide would have been a very real danger to me, at that point. Now -- thankfully -- I wasn't pregnant. But, as I have watched the "abortion wars" over the years, I have often thought about myself in this situation. And I guess I am glad Planned Parenthood would have been there. Yes -- the baby would have been lost, but I wouldn't have been. And I think there is value in that. There is potential hope in that. For you Christians reading this, I'd say, "My baby would have been in God's hands. And I would have had the chance to heal -- and repent." For you non-Christians reading this, the repentance part might sound silly, and I respect that. But, it wouldn't have been silly to me.
There are many abortion providers. There will always be abortion providers. But, at least Planned Parenthood is a non-profit. I bet a lot of the providers aren't. Abortion services are also a small part of their total activities. And -- if you look at their website -- the information is quite accurate. If you really don't want to get pregnant or a sexually transmitted disease, all you have to do is look at the information and follow it. I actually had a young woman who worked for a pro-life pregnancy center tell me that she used to refer to the Planned Parenthood website, because the information was very complete and very accurate.
Of course, I'm sure that there are Planned Parenthood affiliates that operate in a less than ideal manner. But, let me tell you one more story:
I heard a woman from Texas speak once. She had run an abortion clinic. I think she actually owned it. And I don't believe it was affiliated with Planned Parenthood. She said that they used to purposely give young women the least effective birth control pill because they knew a lot of them would get pregnant and come back for abortions, which her particular clinic actually profited from. At least, with Planned Parenthood, they list -- quite accurately -- the effectiveness rates of the various methods of birth control, so you know what you're getting.
Now, at this point, I don't know if I have any friends left. But, that's okay. I have never lived my life for the purpose of seeking people's approval. I hope, though, that conservative people will at least look at these issues in a way that is more even-handed and less accusatory. It breaks my heart to see what much of the "pro-life" movement has become.
Pax.
I am also talking about all these misrepresentative videos the "pro-lifers" have been putting out.
This is all wrong-headed and dangerous.
And I'll tell you why.
This whole thing about selling baby parts for profit and the controversy over fetal experimentation is nothing new. And I'm not saying we shouldn't be disturbed by at least some of what we heard in those videos.
But, there is a danger. A very real danger.
Let me tell you a story:
Years ago, when conservatives were talking about the selling of baby parts and fetal experimentation, I had an acquaintance who was pregnant. She started to miscarry. She bled pretty badly. But -- she wouldn't go into the hospital. Why? BECAUSE SHE WAS AFRAID THEY WOULD EXPERIMENT ON THE BABY AFTER SHE MISCARRIED. That's right. And this was an intelligent woman. She was very conservative, though, and was wont to listen to all the conservative propaganda about this issue. And by the time she finally did go into the hospital, she came very close to HAVING TO HAVE A HYSTERECTOMY, because the medical personnel feared that they wouldn't be able to get the bleeding under control in time to save her. She actually endangered her own life and her reproductive health because she was misled by all of this "pro-life" propaganda.
And this makes me angry. So. Very. Angry. It is wrong to use misleading scare tactics to win people over to your side -- even if you passionately believe your side is in the right.
Hear that Republicans??? You are putting people's lives in danger -- including the lives of the unborn, because women might be afraid to seek care when they need it. I mean, what if my acquaintance's baby could have been saved if she had sought help in a more timely way? It's probably unlikely anything could have been done, but we'll never know, will we? Why? Because of people like you, Republicans. This lady did go on to have more children -- children she was almost not able to have because of conservative fear-mongering. So, that would have been on you, conservative fear-mongers.
(If you are getting the idea that I am totally pissed, you would be right. My apologies.)
And let me tell you one other story. This is a personal story that I have never told anybody, because I was ashamed. Now, right up front, this is not my abortion story. This is my almost, could-have-been abortion story. And I hope you will all still speak to me afterwards.
Years ago, when I was still in college, I was in a very bad place in my life. I had broken up with my fiance -- and it was awful. I was not getting along with my parents, AT ALL. I felt all alone. And I messed around with a guy one night, because I was lonely and heartbroken and not feeling very self-protective. We didn't have sex, but we came pretty close. And then my period was late. And I panicked. I prayed and prayed that I wasn't pregnant, because I didn't feel like there was anyone I could go to. I wouldn't have gone to my parents, because things were horrid between us. And there was no way that I wanted this guy to end up being the father of my child. And his family was pretty dysfunctional, as well. All my close friends were Christian. None of them would have supported me in getting an abortion. And I don't blame them. I certainly didn't believe in abortion. But, when I look at it honestly, I probably either would have had an abortion (and felt like absolute crap about it) or committed suicide. And I'm not exaggerating about that. Suicide would have been a very real danger to me, at that point. Now -- thankfully -- I wasn't pregnant. But, as I have watched the "abortion wars" over the years, I have often thought about myself in this situation. And I guess I am glad Planned Parenthood would have been there. Yes -- the baby would have been lost, but I wouldn't have been. And I think there is value in that. There is potential hope in that. For you Christians reading this, I'd say, "My baby would have been in God's hands. And I would have had the chance to heal -- and repent." For you non-Christians reading this, the repentance part might sound silly, and I respect that. But, it wouldn't have been silly to me.
There are many abortion providers. There will always be abortion providers. But, at least Planned Parenthood is a non-profit. I bet a lot of the providers aren't. Abortion services are also a small part of their total activities. And -- if you look at their website -- the information is quite accurate. If you really don't want to get pregnant or a sexually transmitted disease, all you have to do is look at the information and follow it. I actually had a young woman who worked for a pro-life pregnancy center tell me that she used to refer to the Planned Parenthood website, because the information was very complete and very accurate.
Of course, I'm sure that there are Planned Parenthood affiliates that operate in a less than ideal manner. But, let me tell you one more story:
I heard a woman from Texas speak once. She had run an abortion clinic. I think she actually owned it. And I don't believe it was affiliated with Planned Parenthood. She said that they used to purposely give young women the least effective birth control pill because they knew a lot of them would get pregnant and come back for abortions, which her particular clinic actually profited from. At least, with Planned Parenthood, they list -- quite accurately -- the effectiveness rates of the various methods of birth control, so you know what you're getting.
Now, at this point, I don't know if I have any friends left. But, that's okay. I have never lived my life for the purpose of seeking people's approval. I hope, though, that conservative people will at least look at these issues in a way that is more even-handed and less accusatory. It breaks my heart to see what much of the "pro-life" movement has become.
Pax.
Saturday, February 8, 2014
The Christianity Of Dot-Marie Jones
Who is Dot-Marie Jones? She is an actress who plays one of my favorite characters on "Glee." If you don't know what "Glee" is, then, "Google it, Boot." She is also a lesbian, married to the lady she loves and has been with for a long time.
Is Dot-Marie Jones a "professed" Christian? I have no idea. But, what I do know is that she acts like one.
Here is a case in point.
She said to her Twitter followers: HEY! PLEASE DO NOT SEND HATEFUL TWEETS TO ANYONE THINKING YOU ARE DOING IT IN MY DEFENSE! THERE IS NO HATE HERE OR BULLYING! PLEASE!
To me, this is Christianity in action. She is doing as Jesus instructs us. She is doing to others what she would have them do to her. She is turning the other cheek. She is showing forgiveness. She is showing charity to those who persecute her.
In the face of nasty attitudes and comments, Dot-Marie Jones could be justifiably angry and hurt. And maybe she is. I would be. But, look at the example she sets for others. She is a peacemaker. And what does Jesus say about peacemakers???
I hope Dot-Marie Jones would not mind me making these comments. I don't mean to imply that I think she should become a Christian, if she is not a Christian. I hope I don't make her a target of more nastiness. I don't wish to turn her into some kind of symbol for the "culture war." It's just that I've seen a lot of terrible things said to and about LGTB individuals by Christians, even by those of my own faith, and it feels like a knife to my heart. I think it is scandalous.
In fact, I am seeing a lot of things being said and done by Catholic individuals and institutions lately that disturb me. The other day, for example, I read about a single woman who teaches at a Catholic school. She is pregnant. She got fired. Because -- horror of horrors -- she had SEX. WITHOUT BEING MARRIED. Hello. But, did I fall asleep and wake up in the Middle Ages!?!?
Yes. The Catholic Church teaches that sex is for marriage. But, you know, sex happens. It can happen more easily than you think. I mean, I don't know this lady's story. Is she engaged? Is she dating someone whom she loves? Is she lonely? Did she want to feel close to somebody, if even for a little while? Did she encounter a hot man and lose control of herself momentarily? Did she encounter a hot man and just decide, "I AM GOING TO HAVE THAT HOT MAN." I mean, that could have happened. Ovulation, you know. And she was obviously ovulating. Was she raped? But, you know, whatever happened, IT DOES NOT FREAKING MATTER, AND IT IS NONE OF OUR FREAKING BUSINESS, BECAUSE SHE IS NOT OURS TO JUDGE."
AND -- if a dude teacher from that same Catholic school went out to a bar on a Friday night and picked up a hot woman and had sex and got the hot woman pregnant, he could just keep it a secret and nobody would ever have to know and he could just keep his dandy reputation and his job and his health insurance and retirement benefits.
WHAT YEAR IS THIS, ANYWAY?!?! 1950?!?!
ALSO -- This woman could have had an abortion. Yes, she could have gotten fired for that, too. But, it would have been much less likely, because it would have been very easy to keep it a secret. A pregnancy, though? And a wee little new baby? Not so easy to hide, eh? And if she had a secret abortion, she could have kept her sterling reputation and her job and her health insurance and retirement benefits.
But, now?
The single pregnant mother-to-be has no job and no income. Perhaps she is keeping her health benefits, because of COBRA. But, COBRA is freaking expensive for a singe lady with no job. Perhaps, the care of Obama will help her out. Thank God for Mr. Obama. Maybe she has family and friends who will come to her aid. Maybe the daddy is around. But -- the thing is -- this Catholic institution, all pro-life and moral and stuff like that, took away her means of supporting herself at a time when she is most vulnerable. Fuck that. "Well," you may be thinking to yourself, "she can just get another job." But, HELLO, have you checked this economy lately? And a single pregnant lady is not exactly the most appealing candidate for a prospective employer. Personally? I hope she sues that Catholic school and wins an absolute PILE of cash.
And why did this school feel justified in firing this lady? Because, probably, in violating Church teaching, the Powers-That-Be decided that she had become a poor example to the kids. I ask you, though, who is being the poor example here? If my kids were in that school, I'd yank them out so fast that the principal's head would spin.
I look at this stuff, ya know? The stuff that is being said and done in the name of keeping the Church and her institutions "pure" or whatever? The stuff that is being done in order to "defend the 'truth'?" And I am just ashamed. I hear Jesus' words about the "scribes, pharisees, and hypocrites" echo in my mind.
I guess there's one piece of news I feel better about. At my son's college, they are building a special place for single moms to live while they undertake their studies. I tip my hat to that. Because that is what Christians do. They take people, in whatever hurting situations they find themselves in, and lift them up. They don't judge them. They lift them up.
And the same goes for how we should treat the LGBT community. My daughter follows the blog of a Catholic gay man. This man is trying to live out the Church's teaching, and so is abstaining from sexual activity. He seems to have chosen this for himself, freely. He doesn't seem to feel that it has been imposed on him. I will take him at his word. But, one thing that he expresses quite beautifully is how DIFFICULT this choice is for him to live out. It is painful. And I wonder, if I were a lesbian, if I would make the same choice, or if I would choose to be with somebody. Because I know myself. And I know that an intimate relationship has always been important to me, almost like life-blood. And I hope, that if I were a lesbian, and if I had a partner or a wife, that people would understand about that. I would hope that people would still accept me and love me and not judge me. And not fire me from my job. Or slash my tires. Because I know of at least one case where a married lesbian couple had their tires slashed by those who disapprove of them.
And if there is a Heaven, and if I somehow manage to get there, I guess I hope my company will be Dot-Marie Jones and the brave single mom, rather than the tire-slashers and the employers who are trying to keep their institutions "pure."
Is Dot-Marie Jones a "professed" Christian? I have no idea. But, what I do know is that she acts like one.
Here is a case in point.
She said to her Twitter followers: HEY! PLEASE DO NOT SEND HATEFUL TWEETS TO ANYONE THINKING YOU ARE DOING IT IN MY DEFENSE! THERE IS NO HATE HERE OR BULLYING! PLEASE!
To me, this is Christianity in action. She is doing as Jesus instructs us. She is doing to others what she would have them do to her. She is turning the other cheek. She is showing forgiveness. She is showing charity to those who persecute her.
In the face of nasty attitudes and comments, Dot-Marie Jones could be justifiably angry and hurt. And maybe she is. I would be. But, look at the example she sets for others. She is a peacemaker. And what does Jesus say about peacemakers???
I hope Dot-Marie Jones would not mind me making these comments. I don't mean to imply that I think she should become a Christian, if she is not a Christian. I hope I don't make her a target of more nastiness. I don't wish to turn her into some kind of symbol for the "culture war." It's just that I've seen a lot of terrible things said to and about LGTB individuals by Christians, even by those of my own faith, and it feels like a knife to my heart. I think it is scandalous.
In fact, I am seeing a lot of things being said and done by Catholic individuals and institutions lately that disturb me. The other day, for example, I read about a single woman who teaches at a Catholic school. She is pregnant. She got fired. Because -- horror of horrors -- she had SEX. WITHOUT BEING MARRIED. Hello. But, did I fall asleep and wake up in the Middle Ages!?!?
Yes. The Catholic Church teaches that sex is for marriage. But, you know, sex happens. It can happen more easily than you think. I mean, I don't know this lady's story. Is she engaged? Is she dating someone whom she loves? Is she lonely? Did she want to feel close to somebody, if even for a little while? Did she encounter a hot man and lose control of herself momentarily? Did she encounter a hot man and just decide, "I AM GOING TO HAVE THAT HOT MAN." I mean, that could have happened. Ovulation, you know. And she was obviously ovulating. Was she raped? But, you know, whatever happened, IT DOES NOT FREAKING MATTER, AND IT IS NONE OF OUR FREAKING BUSINESS, BECAUSE SHE IS NOT OURS TO JUDGE."
AND -- if a dude teacher from that same Catholic school went out to a bar on a Friday night and picked up a hot woman and had sex and got the hot woman pregnant, he could just keep it a secret and nobody would ever have to know and he could just keep his dandy reputation and his job and his health insurance and retirement benefits.
WHAT YEAR IS THIS, ANYWAY?!?! 1950?!?!
ALSO -- This woman could have had an abortion. Yes, she could have gotten fired for that, too. But, it would have been much less likely, because it would have been very easy to keep it a secret. A pregnancy, though? And a wee little new baby? Not so easy to hide, eh? And if she had a secret abortion, she could have kept her sterling reputation and her job and her health insurance and retirement benefits.
But, now?
The single pregnant mother-to-be has no job and no income. Perhaps she is keeping her health benefits, because of COBRA. But, COBRA is freaking expensive for a singe lady with no job. Perhaps, the care of Obama will help her out. Thank God for Mr. Obama. Maybe she has family and friends who will come to her aid. Maybe the daddy is around. But -- the thing is -- this Catholic institution, all pro-life and moral and stuff like that, took away her means of supporting herself at a time when she is most vulnerable. Fuck that. "Well," you may be thinking to yourself, "she can just get another job." But, HELLO, have you checked this economy lately? And a single pregnant lady is not exactly the most appealing candidate for a prospective employer. Personally? I hope she sues that Catholic school and wins an absolute PILE of cash.
And why did this school feel justified in firing this lady? Because, probably, in violating Church teaching, the Powers-That-Be decided that she had become a poor example to the kids. I ask you, though, who is being the poor example here? If my kids were in that school, I'd yank them out so fast that the principal's head would spin.
I look at this stuff, ya know? The stuff that is being said and done in the name of keeping the Church and her institutions "pure" or whatever? The stuff that is being done in order to "defend the 'truth'?" And I am just ashamed. I hear Jesus' words about the "scribes, pharisees, and hypocrites" echo in my mind.
I guess there's one piece of news I feel better about. At my son's college, they are building a special place for single moms to live while they undertake their studies. I tip my hat to that. Because that is what Christians do. They take people, in whatever hurting situations they find themselves in, and lift them up. They don't judge them. They lift them up.
And the same goes for how we should treat the LGBT community. My daughter follows the blog of a Catholic gay man. This man is trying to live out the Church's teaching, and so is abstaining from sexual activity. He seems to have chosen this for himself, freely. He doesn't seem to feel that it has been imposed on him. I will take him at his word. But, one thing that he expresses quite beautifully is how DIFFICULT this choice is for him to live out. It is painful. And I wonder, if I were a lesbian, if I would make the same choice, or if I would choose to be with somebody. Because I know myself. And I know that an intimate relationship has always been important to me, almost like life-blood. And I hope, that if I were a lesbian, and if I had a partner or a wife, that people would understand about that. I would hope that people would still accept me and love me and not judge me. And not fire me from my job. Or slash my tires. Because I know of at least one case where a married lesbian couple had their tires slashed by those who disapprove of them.
And if there is a Heaven, and if I somehow manage to get there, I guess I hope my company will be Dot-Marie Jones and the brave single mom, rather than the tire-slashers and the employers who are trying to keep their institutions "pure."
Tuesday, January 28, 2014
Dear Barb...
While many people were busy marching around for their causes, I happened to come across your story.
I heard that after your abortion, some "pro-life" people shouted in your face and followed you down the sidewalk, until you were forced to hide in a stoop.
This made me cry.
I wished I was there to put my arm around your shoulders and help you into my car. I wished I could have taken you home and tucked a clean, comfortable quilt around you. I wished I could have made you some broth and toast. I wished I could have brewed you a cup of tea and listened if you wanted to tell me your story. Or been a quiet presence if you did not. I wished I could have stayed with you to make sure your recovery went smoothly and so that you wouldn't have to feel alone.
I do not know you. I do not know anything about your life. But, I do know that what you went through at the hands of the "pro-life" people is something you should not have had to endure. And I am so very sorry.
Marla <3
I heard that after your abortion, some "pro-life" people shouted in your face and followed you down the sidewalk, until you were forced to hide in a stoop.
This made me cry.
I wished I was there to put my arm around your shoulders and help you into my car. I wished I could have taken you home and tucked a clean, comfortable quilt around you. I wished I could have made you some broth and toast. I wished I could have brewed you a cup of tea and listened if you wanted to tell me your story. Or been a quiet presence if you did not. I wished I could have stayed with you to make sure your recovery went smoothly and so that you wouldn't have to feel alone.
I do not know you. I do not know anything about your life. But, I do know that what you went through at the hands of the "pro-life" people is something you should not have had to endure. And I am so very sorry.
Marla <3
Wednesday, January 22, 2014
She...
...stood in the bathroom stall, staring at the toilet paper in her hand, at the water in the toilet. There should be blood. That monthly reminder of her blossoming womanhood, her femininity, her fertility. The promise of future babies to hold. But, there was no blood. There really should have been -- at least a couple of days ago, actually. And she wished for it and prayed for it -- for that blood. Because -- really -- now was no time for babies.
The job was new. She was young. And she had just endured soul-crushing loss, for which there hadn't been much comfort. So, she had sought comfort in arms around her which really had no business being around her. She had known it, too, at the time -- that his arms really had no business being around her, that there was no real love. But, bone-weary, gut-wrenching loneliness can sometimes cloud the judgement. And so she hadn't pushed those arms away. She had allowed herself to feel the closeness -- the only closeness to another person that had seemed available to her at that moment, at that time in her life.
The man was gone now. And she was glad. He was in no way someone she would choose to be the father of her child. Too late now, though, for wise decisions that should have been made on one lonely night. There were only the decisions that had been made.
And so she stood in that bathroom stall, panic flooding through her, barely able to stand, barely able to breathe, wishing for blood that was not there, that would not come. What would she do, if she were pregnant? She had always been "pro-life," a Christian. She never thought abortion was an answer -- never thought it to be an acceptable alternative. But, here she was, all alone. Yes, she had parents. The thought of telling them, though... She didn't know if she could. The sound of the crying and the shouting and the name-calling that she knew would come rang in her head, as real as though they were actually happening. Yes, there would be much shaming, many accusations, relentless judgments about her lack of judgment. And this horror, she knew, would not last for just a couple of days or even a couple of months, but would last all through a pregnancy -- and beyond. She did not know if she could face it. She didn't think she could bring herself to face it -- the red-faced anger of those who "loved" her. But, how could she have an abortion? But, how could she not? Because, even if she survived the horrible confrontations with those who "loved" her without becoming suicidal -- and becoming suicidal, she knew, was a distinct possibility -- how could she care for a baby? She barely made enough to support herself. And everyone would demand to know who the father was -- and she could never tell, would never tell, because she would never want him to know. Because she knew he was not a good person. She knew he could never be fit to be a father. And adoption? There was that. But, even if she could bring herself to do that, she knew she would forever face being shamed by those who "loved" her. Of that, she was quite sure. And that seemed just too much to bear, at that time, at that age, after already enduring soul-crushing loss.
So, she prayed. She prayed, "Please, PLEASE God, don't let me be pregnant. I can't be pregnant. Don't let me be. PLEASE." She also prayed, "If I am pregnant, let me have a miscarriage. I just want to have a miscarriage. I can't have a baby. Not now. PLEASE. NOT NOW. Not this way. PLEASE."
And she walked out of that bathroom stall and went back to work at her new job and smiled at her co-workers and prayed for the blood to come. Prayed for days.
And finally it did. And it didn't seem to be a miscarriage. Just a normal period. And she breathed freely for the first time in what seemed like a long time. And she wondered, for the rest of her life, what she would have done if she had really been pregnant. And she never really knew.
The job was new. She was young. And she had just endured soul-crushing loss, for which there hadn't been much comfort. So, she had sought comfort in arms around her which really had no business being around her. She had known it, too, at the time -- that his arms really had no business being around her, that there was no real love. But, bone-weary, gut-wrenching loneliness can sometimes cloud the judgement. And so she hadn't pushed those arms away. She had allowed herself to feel the closeness -- the only closeness to another person that had seemed available to her at that moment, at that time in her life.
The man was gone now. And she was glad. He was in no way someone she would choose to be the father of her child. Too late now, though, for wise decisions that should have been made on one lonely night. There were only the decisions that had been made.
And so she stood in that bathroom stall, panic flooding through her, barely able to stand, barely able to breathe, wishing for blood that was not there, that would not come. What would she do, if she were pregnant? She had always been "pro-life," a Christian. She never thought abortion was an answer -- never thought it to be an acceptable alternative. But, here she was, all alone. Yes, she had parents. The thought of telling them, though... She didn't know if she could. The sound of the crying and the shouting and the name-calling that she knew would come rang in her head, as real as though they were actually happening. Yes, there would be much shaming, many accusations, relentless judgments about her lack of judgment. And this horror, she knew, would not last for just a couple of days or even a couple of months, but would last all through a pregnancy -- and beyond. She did not know if she could face it. She didn't think she could bring herself to face it -- the red-faced anger of those who "loved" her. But, how could she have an abortion? But, how could she not? Because, even if she survived the horrible confrontations with those who "loved" her without becoming suicidal -- and becoming suicidal, she knew, was a distinct possibility -- how could she care for a baby? She barely made enough to support herself. And everyone would demand to know who the father was -- and she could never tell, would never tell, because she would never want him to know. Because she knew he was not a good person. She knew he could never be fit to be a father. And adoption? There was that. But, even if she could bring herself to do that, she knew she would forever face being shamed by those who "loved" her. Of that, she was quite sure. And that seemed just too much to bear, at that time, at that age, after already enduring soul-crushing loss.
So, she prayed. She prayed, "Please, PLEASE God, don't let me be pregnant. I can't be pregnant. Don't let me be. PLEASE." She also prayed, "If I am pregnant, let me have a miscarriage. I just want to have a miscarriage. I can't have a baby. Not now. PLEASE. NOT NOW. Not this way. PLEASE."
And she walked out of that bathroom stall and went back to work at her new job and smiled at her co-workers and prayed for the blood to come. Prayed for days.
And finally it did. And it didn't seem to be a miscarriage. Just a normal period. And she breathed freely for the first time in what seemed like a long time. And she wondered, for the rest of her life, what she would have done if she had really been pregnant. And she never really knew.
Monday, January 20, 2014
Sad Day...
Today is the birthday of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. It should be a happy day. But, as I peruse various media outlets, I am just getting sad.
Because it seems to me that there are still so many of the same problems in the world as there were on the day Dr. King died. So much misunderstanding, prejudice, hatred, strife, injustice, poverty. So much greed. So little cooperation. So little willingness to HEAR, to just close our mouths and LISTEN a little bit.
And I am not thinking here about just one issue, or just one side of any given issue. This is a problem with every issue of our day, and with every side of every issue. I'm not saying there aren't good people. Of course, there are. But, there is also a lot of angry noise out there, and a lot of disrespect.
Take for example, the issue of abortion. The two sides, whatever you want to call them -- the pro-lifers vs. the pro-choicers, the lifers vs. the choicers, the anti-choicers vs. the pro-aborts -- often seem to dig up and flash about for public consumption the very worst things about each other. For example, there are the stories from Lila Rose; and there are the stories of "pro-life" centers posing as places where women can get abortion referrals. There are accusations of misinformation being given out by both sides. In short, both sides can come up with plenty of tales of alleged misdeeds by the other side. And this, in my opinion, keeps both sides from actually having to deal with the sincere and real concerns of the other. It's kind of like the "straw-man" argument -- you keep the attention on the easy-to-criticize stuff and you never have to deal with the hard stuff, the stuff that's not so easy to face. And, again, I'm speaking about both sides here. I have spent most of my adult life in the company of those who would describe themselves as "pro-life." And I haven't heard many respectful things said about the pro-choice people. And I bet the pro-choice people don't have a lot of good things to say about the pro-life people.
Some of you may already know this, because I have mentioned it before. There was a woman I worked with -- years ago -- who had been a counselor in an abortion clinic. I could not have been described as "pro-choice," and she knew it. But -- wonder of wonders, miracle of miracles -- we got along well. I respected her greatly. She was a kind, soft-spoken, caring woman. She was the absolute opposite of how many pro-life people would have you think about a person who is employed as a counselor in an abortion clinic. So, when I hear the rhetoric of the "abortion wars," I think about this woman. I think about her concern for women who felt they had absolutely no other option.
Of course, things are somewhat different now. There are many more resources for people in "crisis pregnancies" than there were back then. And this is good. My point is, though, that we should not demonize the pro-choice people. Instead of that, let's work to build a culture where no woman feels like she has "no other option" than an abortion. This type of culture has to have not only pregnancy centers that provide baby supplies and financial assistance for medical care for the mothers. This type of culture must also have a true social safety net that can help these mothers (and fathers) actually raise these children to adulthood in a successful and dignified way. But, I think it also needs to be a culture where a woman who is seeking a legal abortion should not have to make her way past (or through) a crowd of people (sometimes angry people) with signs (sometimes ugly signs). That is not respectful of the woman. And I believe she deserves respect. Although, I know there are those who don't think she does.
As a case in point, I will tell this little tale:
A lovely young woman I know attended the Walk for Life in San Francisco one year. This young woman actually cares very much about other women who face unintended pregnancies. She does not judge women who have abortions. And as she told me of her experience, she said that there were "mean, old, white men" at the Walk. She said that she was appalled by their lack of compassion toward women who have abortions. She had never experienced this type of attitude before, and it upset her greatly. She also spoke of the pro-choice women who were standing along the route. She recounted that when the organizers of the Walk asked for the women to be in front (something which apparently annoyed some of the "old, white men"), the pro-choice women shouted, "Yes! Put the women in front! Let the women go in front!" And this delighted the "pro-life" woman who was appalled at the "mean, old, white men."
So, it just seems to me that there are people on both sides of this issue who might be willing to show some respect for each other. And I guess that gives me a little hope, on this MLK Day.
Because it seems to me that there are still so many of the same problems in the world as there were on the day Dr. King died. So much misunderstanding, prejudice, hatred, strife, injustice, poverty. So much greed. So little cooperation. So little willingness to HEAR, to just close our mouths and LISTEN a little bit.
And I am not thinking here about just one issue, or just one side of any given issue. This is a problem with every issue of our day, and with every side of every issue. I'm not saying there aren't good people. Of course, there are. But, there is also a lot of angry noise out there, and a lot of disrespect.
Take for example, the issue of abortion. The two sides, whatever you want to call them -- the pro-lifers vs. the pro-choicers, the lifers vs. the choicers, the anti-choicers vs. the pro-aborts -- often seem to dig up and flash about for public consumption the very worst things about each other. For example, there are the stories from Lila Rose; and there are the stories of "pro-life" centers posing as places where women can get abortion referrals. There are accusations of misinformation being given out by both sides. In short, both sides can come up with plenty of tales of alleged misdeeds by the other side. And this, in my opinion, keeps both sides from actually having to deal with the sincere and real concerns of the other. It's kind of like the "straw-man" argument -- you keep the attention on the easy-to-criticize stuff and you never have to deal with the hard stuff, the stuff that's not so easy to face. And, again, I'm speaking about both sides here. I have spent most of my adult life in the company of those who would describe themselves as "pro-life." And I haven't heard many respectful things said about the pro-choice people. And I bet the pro-choice people don't have a lot of good things to say about the pro-life people.
Some of you may already know this, because I have mentioned it before. There was a woman I worked with -- years ago -- who had been a counselor in an abortion clinic. I could not have been described as "pro-choice," and she knew it. But -- wonder of wonders, miracle of miracles -- we got along well. I respected her greatly. She was a kind, soft-spoken, caring woman. She was the absolute opposite of how many pro-life people would have you think about a person who is employed as a counselor in an abortion clinic. So, when I hear the rhetoric of the "abortion wars," I think about this woman. I think about her concern for women who felt they had absolutely no other option.
Of course, things are somewhat different now. There are many more resources for people in "crisis pregnancies" than there were back then. And this is good. My point is, though, that we should not demonize the pro-choice people. Instead of that, let's work to build a culture where no woman feels like she has "no other option" than an abortion. This type of culture has to have not only pregnancy centers that provide baby supplies and financial assistance for medical care for the mothers. This type of culture must also have a true social safety net that can help these mothers (and fathers) actually raise these children to adulthood in a successful and dignified way. But, I think it also needs to be a culture where a woman who is seeking a legal abortion should not have to make her way past (or through) a crowd of people (sometimes angry people) with signs (sometimes ugly signs). That is not respectful of the woman. And I believe she deserves respect. Although, I know there are those who don't think she does.
As a case in point, I will tell this little tale:
A lovely young woman I know attended the Walk for Life in San Francisco one year. This young woman actually cares very much about other women who face unintended pregnancies. She does not judge women who have abortions. And as she told me of her experience, she said that there were "mean, old, white men" at the Walk. She said that she was appalled by their lack of compassion toward women who have abortions. She had never experienced this type of attitude before, and it upset her greatly. She also spoke of the pro-choice women who were standing along the route. She recounted that when the organizers of the Walk asked for the women to be in front (something which apparently annoyed some of the "old, white men"), the pro-choice women shouted, "Yes! Put the women in front! Let the women go in front!" And this delighted the "pro-life" woman who was appalled at the "mean, old, white men."
So, it just seems to me that there are people on both sides of this issue who might be willing to show some respect for each other. And I guess that gives me a little hope, on this MLK Day.
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
Sex
Today, I am going to talk about sex. Not really in a theological or philosophical way. Just reflecting on things I have observed.
I hope I don't offend anyone. If you have different ideas, that's cool with me. I'm not claiming to be an authority figure here.
On the TV show "Angel" -- which is actually not extremely recent, but recent enough for my purposes -- the pretty lady is coming onto Angel (who is a vampire, played by David Boreanaz). She, though, doesn't know he is a vampire. He is rather taken aback, and asks her if she "wants to make love." She scoffs and asks what century he is from. This, of course, is meant as a comic moment, since he is hundreds of years old (being a vampire and all).
My daughter Andrea started me watching "Angel" and various other current TV shows and movies. She also got me doing more things on the Internet. This caused me to be more "in touch" with modern society, as I had been busy for many years homeschooling my kids. Andrea thought that since I was finished with homeschooling that I might enjoy connecting with the world once again. And it has been quite fun.
One of the things I started noticing is how people are looking at and talking about and having sex.
Now, I have never been naive about sex. I am not a prude. I grew up during the sexual revolution, after all. My education was provided at public institutions by many sexual revolutionaries. I do not mind talking about sex and thinking about sex. I have never shunned movies and TV shows with sexual content. I enjoy the good "dirty joke." But, with homeschooling and the lifestyle which that required, I had sort of been away from these things for a number of years. Just didn't really have the time for them.
So, when I started observing once again the world of modern sexual ideas and practices, there are some things I have noticed. I present them to you for your consideration.
And that brings me back to "Angel." When the young lady scoffs at the handsome vampire for referring to sex as "making love," she acts as though no one calls it that anymore. And guess what I have discovered since? Nobody really does. Not that everybody called it "making love" back in my youth, either. But, the term was much more common than it is now. Even the hippies wanted to "make love, not war."
I am not trying to sound all prudish and judgmental here. But, as I look at young people today and hear them referring to sex as anything but "making love," I find it a little sad. And the reason I find it sad is that it seems, on some level at least, to make them sad. I am not seeing a lot of happiness or joy in the "hook-up" culture. I am not seeing a lot of young people who feel valued and cared for in their sexual relationships. I see not a little bit of cynicism.
Please don't get me wrong. I am not what you would call an "ultra-conservative" in these matters. I would never be able to wait for my wedding day to have my first kiss with my new husband. I have always enjoyed physical affection, and I have a hard time doing without it. And I had a hard time doing without it when I was young, too. (Sorry if this is TMI.) So, I understand people's desires.
I hope, though, that people would really think about what is actually healthy for themselves. Yes, we hear a lot about "safe sex." We hear about how women need reliable birth control in order to have sex lives which are satisfying and free -- without worry about unplanned pregnancies. And I understand the reasoning behind these ideas.
But, maybe with all the talk about condoms and birth control pills and whether or not we should support the HHS mandate, we are forgetting that sexual health also includes healthy relationships. Relationships that include friendship and true affection. Relationships where people can actually trust and rely on one another. Relationships that include love...
So, yes, I admit I enjoy a good "off-color" joke. There are people who would probably disapprove mightily of some of the things I "favorite" on Twitter. And I understand that not everybody is Catholic or Christian. I understand that nobody wants to get forced into conforming to someone else's ideas of morality. We all have the freedom to choose what we will believe. That is part of the definition of human dignity.
Given that, though, I think most people want to feel valued by their sexual partner. Most people want to feel loved and cherished. Some people deny that these things are important to them. But, I don't quite believe it. I think the people who deny they want love are people who -- somehow, some way, for some (probably painful) reason -- have given up on finding it. And so I think, as a society, we should reflect on this. Condoms and birth control pills can prevent physical events, but they don't do anything for our psyche. And maybe the health of our hearts, minds, and souls is just as important as the health of our genitals.
In conclusion, I am going to mention -- once again -- the TV show "SouthLAnd." (You knew I'd find a way. Tee-hee.) In the current season of this epic series, we see Officer Ben Sherman -- young, handsome, star on the rise in the LAPD -- juggling two women. First, he starts dating a pretty schoolteacher. Things start to get a little serious (a.k.a. she likes him quite a bit). So, what does he do? He goes off and sleeps with this rather wild young lady -- who, in her own right, is lovely and interesting. Why does he do this? It seems that he is rather freaked out at the idea of commitment and, thus, is shooting himself in the foot. Now, Officer Ben has always had a rather wild sex life. This is nothing new. And I often wonder about the trail of antibiotic-resistant bacteria he is leaving in his wake. But, as the show progresses, we see that this footloose and fancy-free sex life does not actually make him happy. And I think this particular aspect of this particular show (as well as the above-mentioned scene in "Angel" and many other themes in current TV, movies, songs, books, etc.) reflects what I have spoken of in this post. There is a lot of sex going on. But, is it really making people happy?
We do have the freedom to choose. And we really always will, no matter what the state of the law. May we have the wisdom to choose that which will actually lead us to happiness.
I hope I don't offend anyone. If you have different ideas, that's cool with me. I'm not claiming to be an authority figure here.
On the TV show "Angel" -- which is actually not extremely recent, but recent enough for my purposes -- the pretty lady is coming onto Angel (who is a vampire, played by David Boreanaz). She, though, doesn't know he is a vampire. He is rather taken aback, and asks her if she "wants to make love." She scoffs and asks what century he is from. This, of course, is meant as a comic moment, since he is hundreds of years old (being a vampire and all).
My daughter Andrea started me watching "Angel" and various other current TV shows and movies. She also got me doing more things on the Internet. This caused me to be more "in touch" with modern society, as I had been busy for many years homeschooling my kids. Andrea thought that since I was finished with homeschooling that I might enjoy connecting with the world once again. And it has been quite fun.
One of the things I started noticing is how people are looking at and talking about and having sex.
Now, I have never been naive about sex. I am not a prude. I grew up during the sexual revolution, after all. My education was provided at public institutions by many sexual revolutionaries. I do not mind talking about sex and thinking about sex. I have never shunned movies and TV shows with sexual content. I enjoy the good "dirty joke." But, with homeschooling and the lifestyle which that required, I had sort of been away from these things for a number of years. Just didn't really have the time for them.
So, when I started observing once again the world of modern sexual ideas and practices, there are some things I have noticed. I present them to you for your consideration.
And that brings me back to "Angel." When the young lady scoffs at the handsome vampire for referring to sex as "making love," she acts as though no one calls it that anymore. And guess what I have discovered since? Nobody really does. Not that everybody called it "making love" back in my youth, either. But, the term was much more common than it is now. Even the hippies wanted to "make love, not war."
I am not trying to sound all prudish and judgmental here. But, as I look at young people today and hear them referring to sex as anything but "making love," I find it a little sad. And the reason I find it sad is that it seems, on some level at least, to make them sad. I am not seeing a lot of happiness or joy in the "hook-up" culture. I am not seeing a lot of young people who feel valued and cared for in their sexual relationships. I see not a little bit of cynicism.
Please don't get me wrong. I am not what you would call an "ultra-conservative" in these matters. I would never be able to wait for my wedding day to have my first kiss with my new husband. I have always enjoyed physical affection, and I have a hard time doing without it. And I had a hard time doing without it when I was young, too. (Sorry if this is TMI.) So, I understand people's desires.
I hope, though, that people would really think about what is actually healthy for themselves. Yes, we hear a lot about "safe sex." We hear about how women need reliable birth control in order to have sex lives which are satisfying and free -- without worry about unplanned pregnancies. And I understand the reasoning behind these ideas.
But, maybe with all the talk about condoms and birth control pills and whether or not we should support the HHS mandate, we are forgetting that sexual health also includes healthy relationships. Relationships that include friendship and true affection. Relationships where people can actually trust and rely on one another. Relationships that include love...
So, yes, I admit I enjoy a good "off-color" joke. There are people who would probably disapprove mightily of some of the things I "favorite" on Twitter. And I understand that not everybody is Catholic or Christian. I understand that nobody wants to get forced into conforming to someone else's ideas of morality. We all have the freedom to choose what we will believe. That is part of the definition of human dignity.
Given that, though, I think most people want to feel valued by their sexual partner. Most people want to feel loved and cherished. Some people deny that these things are important to them. But, I don't quite believe it. I think the people who deny they want love are people who -- somehow, some way, for some (probably painful) reason -- have given up on finding it. And so I think, as a society, we should reflect on this. Condoms and birth control pills can prevent physical events, but they don't do anything for our psyche. And maybe the health of our hearts, minds, and souls is just as important as the health of our genitals.
In conclusion, I am going to mention -- once again -- the TV show "SouthLAnd." (You knew I'd find a way. Tee-hee.) In the current season of this epic series, we see Officer Ben Sherman -- young, handsome, star on the rise in the LAPD -- juggling two women. First, he starts dating a pretty schoolteacher. Things start to get a little serious (a.k.a. she likes him quite a bit). So, what does he do? He goes off and sleeps with this rather wild young lady -- who, in her own right, is lovely and interesting. Why does he do this? It seems that he is rather freaked out at the idea of commitment and, thus, is shooting himself in the foot. Now, Officer Ben has always had a rather wild sex life. This is nothing new. And I often wonder about the trail of antibiotic-resistant bacteria he is leaving in his wake. But, as the show progresses, we see that this footloose and fancy-free sex life does not actually make him happy. And I think this particular aspect of this particular show (as well as the above-mentioned scene in "Angel" and many other themes in current TV, movies, songs, books, etc.) reflects what I have spoken of in this post. There is a lot of sex going on. But, is it really making people happy?
We do have the freedom to choose. And we really always will, no matter what the state of the law. May we have the wisdom to choose that which will actually lead us to happiness.
Friday, March 15, 2013
Dear Catholics. When we speak of abortion, gay rights...
...and all the other issues which elections tend to bring up, whether the elections be secular or papal, let us remember that there are actual people who are touched -- for good and for ill -- by our words and actions.
Let us remember that we must, first of all, LOVE. Let us remember that without love, we are just clanging cymbals. Let us remember that without love, we are just going to alienate and hurt people -- people Jesus loves.
Maybe we should start by standing in the shoes of The Other. By trying to see things their way.
For example, pro-choice people do not hate babies and mothers and families. I have personally had three friends who worked for Planned Parenthood -- two as volunteers and one as an employee. One of the women who was a volunteer helped to stock and staff a center where poor, unwed mothers could come and get needed supplies for their babies. This was an actual Planned Parenthood center. The other volunteer worked a phone line where people could call for information about sexually transmitted diseases and contraception. She was very excited to do this work, as she believed it helped people to stay healthy. She did not view her job as encouraging people to engage in irresponsible sex. She was very much in favor of people taking responsibility for their actions; and she viewed her position as assisting them in that endeavor. The third woman I knew worked as a counselor in an abortion clinic. She was a kind and unassuming young woman. She knew I was Catholic. She knew we did not agree about this issue. But, she accepted me as a friend, anyway. And I accepted her. And this friendship allowed me to talk to her about her ideas. She told me, basically, that she did not see abortion as an actual "good," but that the women who came to the clinic were in very difficult circumstances and felt that they had no alternative.
I did have these experiences many years ago. I know there are many more resources now for women with unplanned pregnancies. But, the whole need has not been filled. So, to me, instead of fretting about the law, I ponder how I can actually reach out to and help women in difficult circumstances. Without judging them. Loving them no matter what their final decision about their situation might be.
Pro-women's rights people are also (rightly) concerned about certain things they see in developing countries. They see women and children who suffer disproportionately because of ill health and poverty. And it cannot be denied that this ill health and poverty can, at least to some degree, be attributed to having many babies in impoverished circumstances in cultures where women are often viewed as property. So, the progressives believe it is important to empower women in societies where they have no voice. They see it as an issue of human dignity. And part (and only part) of the formula for this empowerment, in their minds, includes contraception and abortion.
So, even if we Catholics don't agree on this part of their solution, we should still admit that there is a problem. We should express some understanding for the pro-choice view of things, for it is understandable. And, with understanding, perhaps there can be some real dialogue.
Gay marriage is another hot-button issue of our day. Many Catholic people speak vociferously of how gay marriage threatens heterosexual marriage, children, society, religious freedom. What concerns me most about this is that we tend to forget that there are actual people we are touching with our words -- words that can, at times, be legitimately construed as unkind. We must remember that gay people do actually love each other and their children. They have the same desires as the rest of us for companionship and love and family. These are human desires. So, as we discuss these issues, let us contemplate how difficult and lonely it would be to go through life without a spouse or children. We need to have a real sensitivity to that. We need to have compassion and kindness. The gay people I know do not wish to "persecute" me for my religion. They are just fine with me practicing my religion as I wish -- and even speaking about it with them. They just don't want to be pushed around. And they feel that we religious people want to push them around. They feel that we want to "persecute" them.
Finally, let us remember the failings of our Church and the horrific suffering these failings have caused. Let us reflect on the priestly abuse crisis. Let us fall to our knees in sorrow and humility. And before we open our mouths, let us remember, "He who is without sin may cast the first stone."
Let us remember that we must, first of all, LOVE. Let us remember that without love, we are just clanging cymbals. Let us remember that without love, we are just going to alienate and hurt people -- people Jesus loves.
Maybe we should start by standing in the shoes of The Other. By trying to see things their way.
For example, pro-choice people do not hate babies and mothers and families. I have personally had three friends who worked for Planned Parenthood -- two as volunteers and one as an employee. One of the women who was a volunteer helped to stock and staff a center where poor, unwed mothers could come and get needed supplies for their babies. This was an actual Planned Parenthood center. The other volunteer worked a phone line where people could call for information about sexually transmitted diseases and contraception. She was very excited to do this work, as she believed it helped people to stay healthy. She did not view her job as encouraging people to engage in irresponsible sex. She was very much in favor of people taking responsibility for their actions; and she viewed her position as assisting them in that endeavor. The third woman I knew worked as a counselor in an abortion clinic. She was a kind and unassuming young woman. She knew I was Catholic. She knew we did not agree about this issue. But, she accepted me as a friend, anyway. And I accepted her. And this friendship allowed me to talk to her about her ideas. She told me, basically, that she did not see abortion as an actual "good," but that the women who came to the clinic were in very difficult circumstances and felt that they had no alternative.
I did have these experiences many years ago. I know there are many more resources now for women with unplanned pregnancies. But, the whole need has not been filled. So, to me, instead of fretting about the law, I ponder how I can actually reach out to and help women in difficult circumstances. Without judging them. Loving them no matter what their final decision about their situation might be.
Pro-women's rights people are also (rightly) concerned about certain things they see in developing countries. They see women and children who suffer disproportionately because of ill health and poverty. And it cannot be denied that this ill health and poverty can, at least to some degree, be attributed to having many babies in impoverished circumstances in cultures where women are often viewed as property. So, the progressives believe it is important to empower women in societies where they have no voice. They see it as an issue of human dignity. And part (and only part) of the formula for this empowerment, in their minds, includes contraception and abortion.
So, even if we Catholics don't agree on this part of their solution, we should still admit that there is a problem. We should express some understanding for the pro-choice view of things, for it is understandable. And, with understanding, perhaps there can be some real dialogue.
Gay marriage is another hot-button issue of our day. Many Catholic people speak vociferously of how gay marriage threatens heterosexual marriage, children, society, religious freedom. What concerns me most about this is that we tend to forget that there are actual people we are touching with our words -- words that can, at times, be legitimately construed as unkind. We must remember that gay people do actually love each other and their children. They have the same desires as the rest of us for companionship and love and family. These are human desires. So, as we discuss these issues, let us contemplate how difficult and lonely it would be to go through life without a spouse or children. We need to have a real sensitivity to that. We need to have compassion and kindness. The gay people I know do not wish to "persecute" me for my religion. They are just fine with me practicing my religion as I wish -- and even speaking about it with them. They just don't want to be pushed around. And they feel that we religious people want to push them around. They feel that we want to "persecute" them.
Finally, let us remember the failings of our Church and the horrific suffering these failings have caused. Let us reflect on the priestly abuse crisis. Let us fall to our knees in sorrow and humility. And before we open our mouths, let us remember, "He who is without sin may cast the first stone."
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