Friday, May 17, 2013
Ben Sherman -- Epilogue, Part 2
AFRICA, THREE YEARS LATER
It is already hot as the sun rises up over the valley in the middle of this ancient continent. This ancient continent where families and lives were once ripped apart by those who thought bartering in humans was a God-given right. This ancient continent full of a multiplicity of cultures. War-ravaged in some places, disease-ridden in others, but full of great beauty and majesty and life. Life wild and free, alongside life shackled and oppressed. Great poverty and great riches, sometimes in one place.
She lies next to me -- this woman, my woman -- breathing softly. Her skin soft and brown and warm. The dark curls of her hair gently brushing my shoulder. Her belly swollen with the child. Breasts full and ready to give milk to a new babe. Soon he will come. Or she. I don't know. The woman -- the lovely woman whom I love -- doesn't want to know, so the decision is made. We will be surprised. Isn't life just one long surprise, anyway? We plan, God laughs -- isn't that what they say?
Who knew, almost three years ago, that my life would come to this? Who knew that my life would come to anything? Fuck 'em all, I thought to myself back then. Sammy and Cooper, Brooke -- fuck 'em all.
They were rather awkward, those initial days after my confrontation with Sammy. I mean, we couldn't work together, anymore. Not one more day. Sammy pulled some strings, got us new partners. Not too many questions were asked. Hell, I thought. I'm taking the Detectives' Exam, anyway. I'll be out of this fuckin' squad car in a few months. And I should have been. I got the second highest score ever recorded in the department. But, the promotion got "held up." One fuckin' excuse after another. No one ever said it directly, but I know that fucker Sammy was responsible. It became clear to me that I was going to be riding in that patrol car forever -- or humpin' the pine. I had been blackballed -- by the guy who told me that "you always have your partner's back, especially when he's wrong." That fucker.
And then there was Cooper. Brought down by his own team, he lived through it all. But, after all that -- after his own psycho trip -- he still thought he was better than me. The guy pistol-whips his neighbor, disgraces himself after almost 25 years on the job, and he has the audacity to treat me with disdain when I go visit him. Maybe I stretched my authority a bit in going after a few bad guys, but they were the BAD GUYS. Not some Joe Lunch Bucket who couldn't pay his electric bill.
The one bright star amongst all this fucked-up crap? Elena. I really did love Elena. Not like I love the woman who lies next to me now, the woman large with my child. But, I did love her. She was the little bit of light in the middle of all my darkness -- as corny as that sounds. And Brooke knew it, too. I should have been more careful with Brooke. Should have taken her unstable behavior more seriously. I was a cop, after all. But, I wasn't willing to admit to myself what I knew deep down to be the full extent of her anger, of her hatred. Because if I admitted that to myself, I would have had to admit that maybe I was a little bit responsible for it. Yes, she was crazy. That wasn't my fault. But, in how I treated her -- in how I screwed around on her -- I probably did tip the scales a bit. Probably did uncage the beast that was inside of that tiny lady. And now one lives in an institution, unable to even feed herself. And one lives in prison. Elena didn't mean to cause that trauma to Brooke's brain. Brooke, after all, did start the fight. The fight that ended in a fall when Elena pushed Brooke away from her. And when a head meets concrete violently, the head doesn't stand much of a chance. I really didn't think Elena would face prison time. It seemed a simple matter of self-defense to me. Evidently, the D.A. saw things differently. He maintained that Elena used unnecessary force. And the D.A. prevailed.
So, that's how it was. That's where I was. Trapped in a life I had never anticipated. Looking for a way out. The usual escapes -- sex, alcohol -- they weren't doing it, anymore. And the other cops? They were polite, professional. But, they were no longer my comrades.
So, I made a decision. A decision that involved putting into practice one of the things I had learned from John Cooper -- skimming pills from perps I took into custody. (Of course, Cooper always denied that he did this. I never fuckin' believed him, though. No sane person would. The guy was a fuckin' addict. And addicts say whatever they need to say.) Nobody noticed a few pills missing here and there -- especially when I made sure I was the one to book the things into evidence. It only took a few months, and I had enough to do what I needed to do. Kill myself. You may wonder why I didn't just eat my gun. Basically, I was too polite for that. Didn't want anyone to have to clean up after me. And there were Olivia and Chloe to think about. And my mother. Chances were, it would have been one of them who found me. And I didn't want them to find a bloody mess. With the pills, it would have been far more peaceful -- for me and for all the rest of 'em. I go to sleep and they find me that way. A fuckin' Sleeping Beauty -- guy version. Except, no kiss could or would have magical powers in this rendition of that classic tale.
To be continued...
Thursday, May 16, 2013
Ben Sherman -- Epilogue, Part I
The recent series finale of "SouthLAnd" left our "hero" -- Officer Ben Sherman -- lying on the ground after being confronted by his partner, Officer Sammy Bryant, about his scum-bag ways. Many folks were left wondering what would have happened to Ben Sherman if the series had been given a sixth season. Would he have found redemption or would he have continued along his dark path? It seems dubious that he could once again become that lovely, though rather haunted, young man we remember from the earlier seasons. It would also be unrealistic for the show's writers to return him to that state. For, after all, human nature does not work that way. And the people who made "SouthLAnd" always remained true to what we flawed humans are actually like. We flawed humans cannot undo our actions, either the good or the evil ones. Our actions always impact our psyches, our characters, our personalities. Our actions become part of us. And our wrong-headed decisions never leave us entirely unscathed, entirely without scars. But, what we can do is choose where we go from where we are. So, what would the creators of "SouthLAnd," perhaps in collaboration with the actor who portrays Ben Sherman (Ben McKenzie), have chosen? I will map out what I see as one possibility.
I realize I have been rather silly at times in writing about "SouthLAnd" -- in my "spoilers" and "predictions." I have enjoyed doing that. Humor has helped me deal with the heartbreaking intensity of Season 5. It has been a coping mechanism, of sorts. But, in what I write now -- though it will probably contain humor -- I will try to remain true to the spirit of the show and to the work Ben McKenzie put into portraying Ben Sherman. And I am pretty sure Mr. McKenzie would not want Officer Sherman to have an easy out from his situation. Maybe he wouldn't even want to see the character ultimately redeemed. But, I do. So, I'm going to go with that and I hope Mr. McKenzie won't mind if he ever happens to come across this blog. I want Officer Sherman to have a "happy ending." Not fairy-tale happy, but I want him to come to a place of peace. Why? Because I am a Catholic, and I also don't give up too easily on people. I believe in grace. I believe most people want to choose the good. I believe that often, when people choose what is wrong, they do it believing they are choosing what is right. We see this demonstrated in the final scene between Ben and Sammy in the series finale of "SouthLAnd." Ben tries to justify himself to Sammy. He tells Sammy that he has done "what any sane person would do." Sammy, being actually sane, realizes what insanity this is and punches Ben. This is the wisest thing Sammy could have done. My dad would have said that Sammy was "knocking some sense" into Ben. That's something guys have to do for each other once in a while. Not that I condone violence, or anything. But, occasionally, a guy with a good head on his shoulders needs to punch a screwed-up guy in the nose. This is often the best way of getting the screwed-up guy back on the right path. As we watch Ben try to justify himself, though, I think he actually believes what he is saying. I think he has convinced himself of the rightness of his actions. He has chosen the bad believing it to be the good.
So, as Ben picks himself up off the pavement, his desire is to choose the good...
To be continued... ;-)
I realize I have been rather silly at times in writing about "SouthLAnd" -- in my "spoilers" and "predictions." I have enjoyed doing that. Humor has helped me deal with the heartbreaking intensity of Season 5. It has been a coping mechanism, of sorts. But, in what I write now -- though it will probably contain humor -- I will try to remain true to the spirit of the show and to the work Ben McKenzie put into portraying Ben Sherman. And I am pretty sure Mr. McKenzie would not want Officer Sherman to have an easy out from his situation. Maybe he wouldn't even want to see the character ultimately redeemed. But, I do. So, I'm going to go with that and I hope Mr. McKenzie won't mind if he ever happens to come across this blog. I want Officer Sherman to have a "happy ending." Not fairy-tale happy, but I want him to come to a place of peace. Why? Because I am a Catholic, and I also don't give up too easily on people. I believe in grace. I believe most people want to choose the good. I believe that often, when people choose what is wrong, they do it believing they are choosing what is right. We see this demonstrated in the final scene between Ben and Sammy in the series finale of "SouthLAnd." Ben tries to justify himself to Sammy. He tells Sammy that he has done "what any sane person would do." Sammy, being actually sane, realizes what insanity this is and punches Ben. This is the wisest thing Sammy could have done. My dad would have said that Sammy was "knocking some sense" into Ben. That's something guys have to do for each other once in a while. Not that I condone violence, or anything. But, occasionally, a guy with a good head on his shoulders needs to punch a screwed-up guy in the nose. This is often the best way of getting the screwed-up guy back on the right path. As we watch Ben try to justify himself, though, I think he actually believes what he is saying. I think he has convinced himself of the rightness of his actions. He has chosen the bad believing it to be the good.
So, as Ben picks himself up off the pavement, his desire is to choose the good...
To be continued... ;-)
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
Why I Love The "SouthLAnd" Houses
There are very few studio sets built for "SouthLAnd." Most of the show is shot in and around Los Angeles. Accordingly, actual houses and apartments are used in many scenes. And one of my favorite things to do when watching an episode for the second (or third) time is to pay close attention to these residences and how they are decorated for the show. Those responsible for scouting and choosing the locations and setting them up for the shoots are very talented folks. They are always perfect backdrops for the action and drama unfolding in the story.
Many of the homes used seem to be in working-class neighborhoods, for example. Often a crime has been committed within the home. A victim, a criminal, or the family of a victim or criminal might live in the house. Accordingly, the house has to be chosen and arranged in such a way as to reflect its history and the personalities and lifestyles of the characters who live there. A home chosen for "SouthLAnd" is often quite charming, though older and a bit run-down. The paint seems to have been selected, at some point in the past, with care. The outside walls and trim might be of lovely, though somewhat faded, colors. There might be a front porch, maybe a little weathered, but perhaps with a welcoming chair or two. A screen door might be mounted in front of the main doorway, hinting at a time in the past when little children peeked out of it in the evening, waiting for their daddy to arrive home. There is often a front lawn -- sparse, but trimmed. Curtains might be seen through the windows, maybe sewn by a new mom home with her baby twenty years ago. So, as we see Officer Bryant and Officer Sherman approach such a house, as we wonder what they will find within it, we are also made aware of the cultural backdrop and the socioeconomic situation of the individuals they are about to meet. We feel for joys had and joys lost in the lives of these people. We are attuned to the fact that there were better times in these places, and this touches our hearts.
As Sammy and Ben enter the home to search it or to make an arrest or even to comfort a victim, our hearts are further touched as we see the more intimate space of the people they encounter. Furniture often harkens back to the era of my own childhood, indicating the rich family history of the characters -- and, perhaps, their poverty. There are often built-in cabinets and shelves holding inexpensive, yet precious, knick-knacks -- trinkets carefully chosen on family vacations or given as gifts for special occasions. Family pictures grace the walls of the home -- walls painted in warm colors by somebody who loves or has loved the victim (or criminal) in the story that is unfolding before us. The house is usually clean and well-kept -- although, if a crime has been committed therein, it may be in disarray. But, we can still see the careful housekeeping this disarray masks. And this is a fitting reminder of the upheaval -- emotional and otherwise -- which crime inflicts upon innocent lives. We imagine a family eating dinner, watching television, or getting ready for bed in a home that is rather poor, yet carefully kept -- when violence enters into that space. And we can all feel in our guts what that would be like. We all know in our hearts that we are potential victims. And herein lies at least part of the power of "SouthLAnd" and the stories that it tells. In carefully crafting these scenes, in their brilliant use of a home and its decor, the people who bring us this show make the victims, and even the criminals and those who love those criminals, relatable.
If you are a "SouthLAnd" fan, you have probably noticed these things, as I have. But, if you haven't, I would encourage you to really take note of the work so meticulously done by the location scouts and set decorators of this courageous show.
Many of the homes used seem to be in working-class neighborhoods, for example. Often a crime has been committed within the home. A victim, a criminal, or the family of a victim or criminal might live in the house. Accordingly, the house has to be chosen and arranged in such a way as to reflect its history and the personalities and lifestyles of the characters who live there. A home chosen for "SouthLAnd" is often quite charming, though older and a bit run-down. The paint seems to have been selected, at some point in the past, with care. The outside walls and trim might be of lovely, though somewhat faded, colors. There might be a front porch, maybe a little weathered, but perhaps with a welcoming chair or two. A screen door might be mounted in front of the main doorway, hinting at a time in the past when little children peeked out of it in the evening, waiting for their daddy to arrive home. There is often a front lawn -- sparse, but trimmed. Curtains might be seen through the windows, maybe sewn by a new mom home with her baby twenty years ago. So, as we see Officer Bryant and Officer Sherman approach such a house, as we wonder what they will find within it, we are also made aware of the cultural backdrop and the socioeconomic situation of the individuals they are about to meet. We feel for joys had and joys lost in the lives of these people. We are attuned to the fact that there were better times in these places, and this touches our hearts.
As Sammy and Ben enter the home to search it or to make an arrest or even to comfort a victim, our hearts are further touched as we see the more intimate space of the people they encounter. Furniture often harkens back to the era of my own childhood, indicating the rich family history of the characters -- and, perhaps, their poverty. There are often built-in cabinets and shelves holding inexpensive, yet precious, knick-knacks -- trinkets carefully chosen on family vacations or given as gifts for special occasions. Family pictures grace the walls of the home -- walls painted in warm colors by somebody who loves or has loved the victim (or criminal) in the story that is unfolding before us. The house is usually clean and well-kept -- although, if a crime has been committed therein, it may be in disarray. But, we can still see the careful housekeeping this disarray masks. And this is a fitting reminder of the upheaval -- emotional and otherwise -- which crime inflicts upon innocent lives. We imagine a family eating dinner, watching television, or getting ready for bed in a home that is rather poor, yet carefully kept -- when violence enters into that space. And we can all feel in our guts what that would be like. We all know in our hearts that we are potential victims. And herein lies at least part of the power of "SouthLAnd" and the stories that it tells. In carefully crafting these scenes, in their brilliant use of a home and its decor, the people who bring us this show make the victims, and even the criminals and those who love those criminals, relatable.
If you are a "SouthLAnd" fan, you have probably noticed these things, as I have. But, if you haven't, I would encourage you to really take note of the work so meticulously done by the location scouts and set decorators of this courageous show.
Monday, May 6, 2013
#sammyandben4eva -- "SouthLAnd"
Or maybe it was #benandsammy4eva. Whateva.
My daughter Bridget came up with this hashtag, as part of her "SouthLAnd" fandom. As is no secret, Sammy Bryant and Ben Sherman are two of our favorite characters on this show. And we have greatly enjoyed their partnership during Seasons 4 and 5. That partnership does come to a rather painful end, but that end contains many lessons concerning the human soul, the human character, moral struggles, trust, and friendship. And upon witnessing Sammy and Ben's last scene together in the Season 5 finale, Bridget stated, "Well, I guess my hashtag is dead."
Is it dead? Maybe. Maybe not. If there is a Season 6, we may discover the answer to this question. If not, the answer will lie in our own imaginations.
I think it could go either way.
"SouthLAnd" has, over the course of 5 seasons, brought its characters through many ups and downs. Each character has been faced with moral dilemmas and life struggles -- and each character has had to respond to these dilemmas and struggles. They have made good decisions -- and poor ones. They have faced the consequences of their choices and actions. Most of the characters, after making wrong choices, have made attempts to atone for those choices. They have striven to become better people after their falls. We have witnessed characters be reconciled to each other, as in the case of Lydia and Russ. So, there is more than one possibility as we look to the future of Sammy and Ben's relationship.
Will they continue to be partners in a Season 6? Very unlikely.
Will they regain what could be called a "friendship?" It depends.
When we last saw Officer Ben in the Season 5 finale, he was laying on the ground after Sammy confronted him with the "error of his ways." Officer Ben was not ready to hear about his own shortcomings, and tried to blame Sammy for his own choices. Sammy, though -- in his detective wisdom -- was not taking any of that shit. So, as we see Ben on the ground after Sammy leaves him to himself, we wonder what is going through his mind. Does he honestly believe he has been in the right? Might he be having some regrets? He has things to repent of, but will his pride prove to be an obstacle to that repentance?
In my mind, the major factor that would prevent Officer Ben from clearly seeing where he has gone wrong, and from trying to make things right with Sammy, is his tendency to be unforgiving. And he does have that tendency. We see it in his relationship (or lack thereof) with his father. Yes, his father is a douche. But, I think his father has made an attempt -- as far as he is able to in his douche-dom -- to have at least a little bit of a positive relationship with his son. And Officer Ben has had none of it. He has not given his father even a teeny tiny bit of a chance for even a teeny tiny bit of a positive father-son relationship. Officer Ben has hardened his heart. And we have also seen him harden his heart in regard to the man who assaulted both his mother and him. Please don't get me wrong. I don't think Officer Ben needs to have a relationship with that guy. I don't think he has to like him at all. But, the way he goes after the man after he is released from prison is a bit extreme. The guy did the time for the crime. Officer Ben's mom is willing to put the whole incident to rest. But, not Officer Ben himself. He is unwilling to let go of his anger. And now his anger is directed at Sammy. Will he be able to let go of that anger? After all, Sammy is neither a douche-bag nor a criminal. But, Officer Ben feels that Sammy has betrayed him. He feels that Sammy has thrown his friendship "under the bus." He blames Sammy for his own wrong decisions. He feels that Sammy is ungrateful to him. So, we will have to see if Officer Ben has the ability to let go of his self-righteous, prideful anger. We will have to see if he can own up to his screw-ups. We will have to see if he is able to have a forgiving heart, after all.
As I watched the last episode of Season 5, though, I did see one bright, shining, little spot for Officer Ben -- one little crack in the almost closed door of his soul. During this episode, Sammy is up in a police chopper. That chopper takes gunfire and it starts to leak fuel. An emergency landing is required. Officer Ben hears all this on the radio of his squad car, and he races to the location where the emergency landing will take place. He is clearly alarmed. His genuine concern for Sammy is apparent. He has not, as yet, completely lost his heart, his humanity. There are still some avenues for grace left.
So, as we leave Officer Ben laying on the pavement in the last filmed episode of "SouthLAnd," there is more than one voice in his head. There is the "angel" and the "devil," if you will. There is temptation. But, there is grace. He still has a choice. And the choice that he makes will ultimately determine whether or not he and Sammy can be reconciled or have any type of friendship -- assuming, of course, that Sammy is willing to accept from Ben what would need to be a very sincere apology, made in a spirit of absolute contrition.
This, then, is one of the things I love about "SouthLAnd." What we see in the "dance" of Sammy and Ben is an illustration of what happens to all of us in our humanity. There are difficult situations. There are difficult choices. There are falls. There are confrontations with ugly truths about ourselves. There is our response to those confrontations. There are opportunities for grace. And we are reminded that "it ain't over 'til it's over." We are reminded that we need to persevere in our own struggles, with our own obstacles, in order to become the kind of people we know we really should be.
My daughter Bridget came up with this hashtag, as part of her "SouthLAnd" fandom. As is no secret, Sammy Bryant and Ben Sherman are two of our favorite characters on this show. And we have greatly enjoyed their partnership during Seasons 4 and 5. That partnership does come to a rather painful end, but that end contains many lessons concerning the human soul, the human character, moral struggles, trust, and friendship. And upon witnessing Sammy and Ben's last scene together in the Season 5 finale, Bridget stated, "Well, I guess my hashtag is dead."
Is it dead? Maybe. Maybe not. If there is a Season 6, we may discover the answer to this question. If not, the answer will lie in our own imaginations.
I think it could go either way.
"SouthLAnd" has, over the course of 5 seasons, brought its characters through many ups and downs. Each character has been faced with moral dilemmas and life struggles -- and each character has had to respond to these dilemmas and struggles. They have made good decisions -- and poor ones. They have faced the consequences of their choices and actions. Most of the characters, after making wrong choices, have made attempts to atone for those choices. They have striven to become better people after their falls. We have witnessed characters be reconciled to each other, as in the case of Lydia and Russ. So, there is more than one possibility as we look to the future of Sammy and Ben's relationship.
Will they continue to be partners in a Season 6? Very unlikely.
Will they regain what could be called a "friendship?" It depends.
When we last saw Officer Ben in the Season 5 finale, he was laying on the ground after Sammy confronted him with the "error of his ways." Officer Ben was not ready to hear about his own shortcomings, and tried to blame Sammy for his own choices. Sammy, though -- in his detective wisdom -- was not taking any of that shit. So, as we see Ben on the ground after Sammy leaves him to himself, we wonder what is going through his mind. Does he honestly believe he has been in the right? Might he be having some regrets? He has things to repent of, but will his pride prove to be an obstacle to that repentance?
In my mind, the major factor that would prevent Officer Ben from clearly seeing where he has gone wrong, and from trying to make things right with Sammy, is his tendency to be unforgiving. And he does have that tendency. We see it in his relationship (or lack thereof) with his father. Yes, his father is a douche. But, I think his father has made an attempt -- as far as he is able to in his douche-dom -- to have at least a little bit of a positive relationship with his son. And Officer Ben has had none of it. He has not given his father even a teeny tiny bit of a chance for even a teeny tiny bit of a positive father-son relationship. Officer Ben has hardened his heart. And we have also seen him harden his heart in regard to the man who assaulted both his mother and him. Please don't get me wrong. I don't think Officer Ben needs to have a relationship with that guy. I don't think he has to like him at all. But, the way he goes after the man after he is released from prison is a bit extreme. The guy did the time for the crime. Officer Ben's mom is willing to put the whole incident to rest. But, not Officer Ben himself. He is unwilling to let go of his anger. And now his anger is directed at Sammy. Will he be able to let go of that anger? After all, Sammy is neither a douche-bag nor a criminal. But, Officer Ben feels that Sammy has betrayed him. He feels that Sammy has thrown his friendship "under the bus." He blames Sammy for his own wrong decisions. He feels that Sammy is ungrateful to him. So, we will have to see if Officer Ben has the ability to let go of his self-righteous, prideful anger. We will have to see if he can own up to his screw-ups. We will have to see if he is able to have a forgiving heart, after all.
As I watched the last episode of Season 5, though, I did see one bright, shining, little spot for Officer Ben -- one little crack in the almost closed door of his soul. During this episode, Sammy is up in a police chopper. That chopper takes gunfire and it starts to leak fuel. An emergency landing is required. Officer Ben hears all this on the radio of his squad car, and he races to the location where the emergency landing will take place. He is clearly alarmed. His genuine concern for Sammy is apparent. He has not, as yet, completely lost his heart, his humanity. There are still some avenues for grace left.
So, as we leave Officer Ben laying on the pavement in the last filmed episode of "SouthLAnd," there is more than one voice in his head. There is the "angel" and the "devil," if you will. There is temptation. But, there is grace. He still has a choice. And the choice that he makes will ultimately determine whether or not he and Sammy can be reconciled or have any type of friendship -- assuming, of course, that Sammy is willing to accept from Ben what would need to be a very sincere apology, made in a spirit of absolute contrition.
This, then, is one of the things I love about "SouthLAnd." What we see in the "dance" of Sammy and Ben is an illustration of what happens to all of us in our humanity. There are difficult situations. There are difficult choices. There are falls. There are confrontations with ugly truths about ourselves. There is our response to those confrontations. There are opportunities for grace. And we are reminded that "it ain't over 'til it's over." We are reminded that we need to persevere in our own struggles, with our own obstacles, in order to become the kind of people we know we really should be.
Saturday, May 4, 2013
Sex -- Second Installment
I wrote a post a while ago about sex. I thought I'd write another one today.
These are just my thoughts. If you roll differently, that's cool. I'm nobody's judge and jury. Believe me, I know what it feels like to be judged. And it doesn't feel too good.
I am Catholic. Growing up Catholic, I was taught the Catholic ideas about sex. Many people misunderstand the Catholic ideas about sex. I have heard Catholicism referred to as an "anti-sex cult." That makes me giggle.
Anyway, amongst all the theological sex discussion that I grew up with, there is one statement which still stands out to me to this day. It was spoken to my by my Italian immigrant peasant-farmer-turned-candle-factory-worker Nana. Before I tell you what she said, though, let me tell you a little bit about her.
My Nana was cool. And she was no prude. In the family, it was known that she and my Grandpa were, as you might put it, "into each other." And she loved the handsome blonde guy on "The Lawrence Welk Show" and she loved her soap opera hotties. I tell you, if "The O.C." had been on when I was a young girl, my Nana would have been right there watching it with us. I think she would have dug Sandy Cohen and Jimmy Cooper (and, yes, even Ryan Atwood). Although, as we watched it together, she probably would have injected some of her Nana-wisdom into the whole situation. For example, she would have told us that the whole idea of Ryan in that poolhouse just wasn't good sense. She would have made him leave all the blinds open 24/7. And he would never have gotten away with taking off in the Range Rover in a fit of temper. My Nana was like 5'11" and 180 -- and Ryan just would not have gotten away with crap like that. Ryan would also never have been able to pull the wool over her eyes in his attempt to sneak across the border to finish off that Volchok character. My Nana would have seen that coming a mile away. And it just wouldn't have happened. She would have sent him outside to dig post holes or paint the house until he cooled off. That was her way of dealing with youthful passions. The digging of holes was high on her list of techniques for coping with teenagers and their ways. But, even with all that, she would have watched every single episode of "The O.C." and loved every minute of it.
When my Nana spoke, then, you listened. Because when she spoke, she always made sense. Because when she spoke, you felt like she understood you. And she always had a little gleam in her eye when she dispensed advice, as she did comprehend the hearts and minds of young people.
So, here I present to you the one piece of sex advice she ever gave me. I remember it clearly to this very day. We were in her "TV room" -- probably after watching one of the soaps that she loved. She was standing up, stretched out to her full 5'11'' height. And she said:
"Why should you have sex before you get married? If you have sex before you get married, then what will you have to look forward to?"
That was all she said. Nothing about sin or hell or the Theology Of The Body. Just, "What will you have to look forward to?" And, boy, in the midst of the Sexual Revolution, that did give me pause. Because when you are in the "middle of it" with a hot guy (or a hot girl, or whatever), it is hard to remember theological stuff, but it is not hard to remember a statement like that.
Again, this is not a judgement on anybody. Everybody is free to make their own decisions about sex. It's just something I present for your consideration. And it is a memory that brings a smile to my lips.
These are just my thoughts. If you roll differently, that's cool. I'm nobody's judge and jury. Believe me, I know what it feels like to be judged. And it doesn't feel too good.
I am Catholic. Growing up Catholic, I was taught the Catholic ideas about sex. Many people misunderstand the Catholic ideas about sex. I have heard Catholicism referred to as an "anti-sex cult." That makes me giggle.
Anyway, amongst all the theological sex discussion that I grew up with, there is one statement which still stands out to me to this day. It was spoken to my by my Italian immigrant peasant-farmer-turned-candle-factory-worker Nana. Before I tell you what she said, though, let me tell you a little bit about her.
My Nana was cool. And she was no prude. In the family, it was known that she and my Grandpa were, as you might put it, "into each other." And she loved the handsome blonde guy on "The Lawrence Welk Show" and she loved her soap opera hotties. I tell you, if "The O.C." had been on when I was a young girl, my Nana would have been right there watching it with us. I think she would have dug Sandy Cohen and Jimmy Cooper (and, yes, even Ryan Atwood). Although, as we watched it together, she probably would have injected some of her Nana-wisdom into the whole situation. For example, she would have told us that the whole idea of Ryan in that poolhouse just wasn't good sense. She would have made him leave all the blinds open 24/7. And he would never have gotten away with taking off in the Range Rover in a fit of temper. My Nana was like 5'11" and 180 -- and Ryan just would not have gotten away with crap like that. Ryan would also never have been able to pull the wool over her eyes in his attempt to sneak across the border to finish off that Volchok character. My Nana would have seen that coming a mile away. And it just wouldn't have happened. She would have sent him outside to dig post holes or paint the house until he cooled off. That was her way of dealing with youthful passions. The digging of holes was high on her list of techniques for coping with teenagers and their ways. But, even with all that, she would have watched every single episode of "The O.C." and loved every minute of it.
When my Nana spoke, then, you listened. Because when she spoke, she always made sense. Because when she spoke, you felt like she understood you. And she always had a little gleam in her eye when she dispensed advice, as she did comprehend the hearts and minds of young people.
So, here I present to you the one piece of sex advice she ever gave me. I remember it clearly to this very day. We were in her "TV room" -- probably after watching one of the soaps that she loved. She was standing up, stretched out to her full 5'11'' height. And she said:
"Why should you have sex before you get married? If you have sex before you get married, then what will you have to look forward to?"
That was all she said. Nothing about sin or hell or the Theology Of The Body. Just, "What will you have to look forward to?" And, boy, in the midst of the Sexual Revolution, that did give me pause. Because when you are in the "middle of it" with a hot guy (or a hot girl, or whatever), it is hard to remember theological stuff, but it is not hard to remember a statement like that.
Again, this is not a judgement on anybody. Everybody is free to make their own decisions about sex. It's just something I present for your consideration. And it is a memory that brings a smile to my lips.
Thursday, May 2, 2013
My Wildfire Prevention Filing Superstition
I am of Italian heritage -- well, mostly. There's a bit of Irish thrown in, too, for good measure. And as I was growing up, as a mostly Italian little girl, I spent a lot of time with my 100% Italian grandmother, who came here from that great land when she was about 19 years old. My Nana was raised in a little village in Italy. Her family were peasant farmers. As such, she was raised on a lot of superstitions, mixed in with her Catholic faith. Therefore, I was raised on a lot of superstitions, mixed in with my Catholic faith. For example, I was told that if you accidentally put an item of clothing on inside-out in the morning that you are required to leave it that way for the entire day, lest you bring bad luck upon yourself.
Anyway, as an adult who has a biology degree, I have pretty much freed myself from this superstitious mindset. Although, I admit, I have not entirely overcome it. And -- hence -- there is my "Wildfire Prevention Filing Superstition."
I bring this up today because it is EXTREMELY hot, windy, and dry here in SoCal. In fact, there is a big wildfire raging north of us. Many people are being evacuated. Please keep them in your prayers. And this post is NOT intended to make light of these fires and their victims. It is just my way of coping as I keep peeking out the windows for smoke.
You see, we have been threatened and have had to evacuate during two previous wildfires. Big, huge, out-of-control wildfires. One of the fires actually destroyed our backyard, singed our house, and cracked several of our windows. And it is out of these two fires that my "Wildfire Prevention Filing Superstition" was born.
In a drawer of my desk that is in my bedroom next to my bed, there is a box. In the box, I keep papers that need to be filed in my Official File Box. My Official File Box has within it Official Files with Official Labels -- such as "Utilities" and "Taxes." As such, the papers that need to be filed include utility bills and pay stubs. There are also such things as insurance forms, bank statements, and home repair receipts that are stored in my Official File Box. You may wonder why I don't just file these things in my Official File Box as I get them. My answer is, "I don't have a clue." So, every couple of weeks, I get the box out of my desk drawer and file the papers it contains into my Official File Box. Once in a while, though, I get lazy. And two of the times that I was most lazy were before the two major wildfires that we ended up fleeing.
"Why does this matter?" you may be wondering.
If you live in a place where there is a high danger of wildfires, you must always be prepared to flee. And when you flee, you are told to remember the three P's -- pets, pictures, and papers. PAPERS. And this is easy if all your papers are where they belong -- in your Official File Box. But, both times we had to flee a fire, many of my papers were not where they belonged. So, I spent between one and two hours -- both times -- organizing and filing important papers into my Official File Box in preparation to leave.
And this is where the superstition part comes in.
We have "fire weather" often. Usually, though, when this type of weather occurs, my filing is all up-to-date. On the days when it would be quite simple to pick up my Official File Box and put it in the car, without worrying about papers that have not been properly stored, we NEVER have a fire. Therefore, I have concluded:
*KEEPING MY FILING UP-TO-DATE PREVENTS WILDFIRES*
And so you have it: my "Wildfire Prevention Filing Superstition."
And if you did not realize before how silly I am, now you do. ;-)
Anyway, as an adult who has a biology degree, I have pretty much freed myself from this superstitious mindset. Although, I admit, I have not entirely overcome it. And -- hence -- there is my "Wildfire Prevention Filing Superstition."
I bring this up today because it is EXTREMELY hot, windy, and dry here in SoCal. In fact, there is a big wildfire raging north of us. Many people are being evacuated. Please keep them in your prayers. And this post is NOT intended to make light of these fires and their victims. It is just my way of coping as I keep peeking out the windows for smoke.
You see, we have been threatened and have had to evacuate during two previous wildfires. Big, huge, out-of-control wildfires. One of the fires actually destroyed our backyard, singed our house, and cracked several of our windows. And it is out of these two fires that my "Wildfire Prevention Filing Superstition" was born.
In a drawer of my desk that is in my bedroom next to my bed, there is a box. In the box, I keep papers that need to be filed in my Official File Box. My Official File Box has within it Official Files with Official Labels -- such as "Utilities" and "Taxes." As such, the papers that need to be filed include utility bills and pay stubs. There are also such things as insurance forms, bank statements, and home repair receipts that are stored in my Official File Box. You may wonder why I don't just file these things in my Official File Box as I get them. My answer is, "I don't have a clue." So, every couple of weeks, I get the box out of my desk drawer and file the papers it contains into my Official File Box. Once in a while, though, I get lazy. And two of the times that I was most lazy were before the two major wildfires that we ended up fleeing.
"Why does this matter?" you may be wondering.
If you live in a place where there is a high danger of wildfires, you must always be prepared to flee. And when you flee, you are told to remember the three P's -- pets, pictures, and papers. PAPERS. And this is easy if all your papers are where they belong -- in your Official File Box. But, both times we had to flee a fire, many of my papers were not where they belonged. So, I spent between one and two hours -- both times -- organizing and filing important papers into my Official File Box in preparation to leave.
And this is where the superstition part comes in.
We have "fire weather" often. Usually, though, when this type of weather occurs, my filing is all up-to-date. On the days when it would be quite simple to pick up my Official File Box and put it in the car, without worrying about papers that have not been properly stored, we NEVER have a fire. Therefore, I have concluded:
*KEEPING MY FILING UP-TO-DATE PREVENTS WILDFIRES*
And so you have it: my "Wildfire Prevention Filing Superstition."
And if you did not realize before how silly I am, now you do. ;-)
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
Mr. Shawn Hatosy And Life With Littles
Mr. Shawn Hatosy is an actor and a husband and a daddy. I first saw him in the TV show "Numb3rs," on which he played a character named Dwayne. Dwayne is guy with serious issues, who gets our hero -- Colby Granger -- into shitloads of trouble. Although, in the end, Dwayne does go out in an ultimately self-sacrificing Blaze Of Glory. And even when he is being kind of a douche, you've got to sort of love Dwayne. He's just that kind of a dude. The next place I encountered Mr. Hatosy was on "SouthLAnd," playing the good-hearted, faithful, and rather oppressed Officer Sammy Bryant. Since I started watching "SouthLAnd" mid-way through Season 4, it took me something like a month to realize that the guy playing Sammy was the same guy who had played Dwayne. It seemed as though Mr. Hatosy had embarked on a rather rigorous work-out schedule in between the two roles. (Not that he was ever out-of-shape. He had just become rather Mr. America-like since the days of "Numb3rs.") I then started following Mr. Hatosy on Twitter and found out how hilarious he is. I also discovered that he is a husband and a daddy with two young children; and he will make amusing, warm-hearted comments having to do with family life. And that got me to thinking about Life With Littles.
It is easy for me -- at the ripe old age of 50, with three twenty-something children -- to look back at my own days as a mommy of babies and toddlers through the proverbial rose-colored glasses. It is easy to remember the sweet times rocking in the rocking chair with my sweet babies, the daily walks in the fresh air and sunshine with my little ones in the stroller, pushing my toddlers in the swings at the park, having graham crackers and milk at the picnic table in the back yard. And those are all wonderful things, memories to be treasured. And if you are currently in the situation of having babies and little ones, I encourage you to treasure all those moments. Even though it may not seem like it now, they are fleeting -- as are all of life's moments.
But, Mr. Hatosy, through his amusing Tweets Of Wisdom -- concerning crying and poops and the licking of electrical outlets and dog crap on stroller wheels -- gives me a reality check. Now, please don't get me wrong. He is no d-bag. He very, very obviously loves and enjoys his children. But, he is in the midst of Life With Littles. And Life With Littles is not all serenity and Sesame Street and Raffi. It involves stress and boredom and worry and sickness and LOTS of messes. Sometimes many simultaneous messes. I remember having messes radiating out from me in all directions and I would have no idea where to begin. Little children are quite good at leaving a path of destruction in their wake. They also can seem hell-bent on the idea of endangering their own lives. And this is all very exhausting to mommies and daddies.
I remember one day when I had a 4-year-old, a 2-year-old, and an infant. Nobody was potty-trained yet. (I was not good at potty-training. I pretty much sucked at it. So, my kids were in diapers for longer than usual.) I had just changed probably the tenth dirty diaper of the day. After washing my hands in the bathroom, I went into the kitchen because it was time to fix everybody a snack. (It was constantly time to fix everybody a snack.) And what did I find there? Two-year-old Bridget had colored the bottoms of her little kid sneakers with blue marker and walked all over the white kitchen floor. Yes, the white kitchen floor was COVERED with blue footprints. I wish I could say that I took it well and with good humor. I wish I could say that I snapped an Instagram photo and put it on Twitter with a cute caption. The fact of the matter is this -- I did not take it well. I am ashamed of this, but it's the truth.
As I look at my grown-up kids, I am relieved to find that they all seem to like me. At least, most of the time. And this makes me very happy, because I know there were many times when I did not shine in my role as a mum of little ones. And there are -- of course -- many times when I don't shine in my role as a mum of young adults, either.
But, back to Mr. Hatosy. He reminds me not to be the kind of older woman who lords my motherly wisdom over the parents of babies and toddlers and young children. Because even though being a parent of little ones is lovely in so many ways, it is also hard at times. Damn hard. And what I want to be is the kind of older lady (and maybe, someday, a grandma) who is actually helpful to younger parents. Somebody who is encouraging. Somebody who is understanding. Somebody who is not a douche-bag. ;-)
It is easy for me -- at the ripe old age of 50, with three twenty-something children -- to look back at my own days as a mommy of babies and toddlers through the proverbial rose-colored glasses. It is easy to remember the sweet times rocking in the rocking chair with my sweet babies, the daily walks in the fresh air and sunshine with my little ones in the stroller, pushing my toddlers in the swings at the park, having graham crackers and milk at the picnic table in the back yard. And those are all wonderful things, memories to be treasured. And if you are currently in the situation of having babies and little ones, I encourage you to treasure all those moments. Even though it may not seem like it now, they are fleeting -- as are all of life's moments.
But, Mr. Hatosy, through his amusing Tweets Of Wisdom -- concerning crying and poops and the licking of electrical outlets and dog crap on stroller wheels -- gives me a reality check. Now, please don't get me wrong. He is no d-bag. He very, very obviously loves and enjoys his children. But, he is in the midst of Life With Littles. And Life With Littles is not all serenity and Sesame Street and Raffi. It involves stress and boredom and worry and sickness and LOTS of messes. Sometimes many simultaneous messes. I remember having messes radiating out from me in all directions and I would have no idea where to begin. Little children are quite good at leaving a path of destruction in their wake. They also can seem hell-bent on the idea of endangering their own lives. And this is all very exhausting to mommies and daddies.
I remember one day when I had a 4-year-old, a 2-year-old, and an infant. Nobody was potty-trained yet. (I was not good at potty-training. I pretty much sucked at it. So, my kids were in diapers for longer than usual.) I had just changed probably the tenth dirty diaper of the day. After washing my hands in the bathroom, I went into the kitchen because it was time to fix everybody a snack. (It was constantly time to fix everybody a snack.) And what did I find there? Two-year-old Bridget had colored the bottoms of her little kid sneakers with blue marker and walked all over the white kitchen floor. Yes, the white kitchen floor was COVERED with blue footprints. I wish I could say that I took it well and with good humor. I wish I could say that I snapped an Instagram photo and put it on Twitter with a cute caption. The fact of the matter is this -- I did not take it well. I am ashamed of this, but it's the truth.
As I look at my grown-up kids, I am relieved to find that they all seem to like me. At least, most of the time. And this makes me very happy, because I know there were many times when I did not shine in my role as a mum of little ones. And there are -- of course -- many times when I don't shine in my role as a mum of young adults, either.
But, back to Mr. Hatosy. He reminds me not to be the kind of older woman who lords my motherly wisdom over the parents of babies and toddlers and young children. Because even though being a parent of little ones is lovely in so many ways, it is also hard at times. Damn hard. And what I want to be is the kind of older lady (and maybe, someday, a grandma) who is actually helpful to younger parents. Somebody who is encouraging. Somebody who is understanding. Somebody who is not a douche-bag. ;-)
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